4. Mixed Feelings
Nothing Ron said to Hermione made her feel any better. Her self-esteem was lower than ever before. Every time she'd see Harry walking along the corridors hand in hand with Angie, she felt like she was standing in quick sand, sinking deeper and deeper.
She was slowly falling into a state of depression that was beginning to show in her studies as well as her mood. She was not able to concentrate in her classes; especially in those Harry also attended since she'd spend most of the time staring at him (When he wasn't looking, of course). She now had a big pile of work to do, almost as big as Ron's would usually get. That made her feel even worse.
A week passed and it only made matters worse for Hermione, since almost every teacher assigned them more work to do. It was Monday morning and Hermione was looking absentmindedly at her plate of eggs and bacon, which she had barely touched, trying to figure out how she was going to be able to catch up on her work.
She had been so distracted she almost didn't notice Ron calling her.
"C'mon Hermione, you don't want to be late for class, do you?"
She quickly grabbed her book bag and run after them.
Harry had noticed that something was different about her, but had no idea what it was. As they were running to their class, he tried to talk to her.
"Are you okay Hermione?" he asked with concern in his voice. Since she didn't even look at him, he added, "You don't look good."
"Just what I need" she thought. "Harry telling me that I don't look good. As if I wasn't aware of that."
"I have a lot of work to do, that's all," she managed to say. After that, she didn't say a word at all during class.
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After the morning classes were over, Ron and Harry were getting ready to go to lunch. Hermione, however, told them she first needed to find Professor Flitwick and that she'd meet them at the Great Hall. About fifteen minutes after the guys had sat down at the Gryffindor table, Hermione arrived.
"Just wanted to let you know I won't be going to Charms." Hermione said as she grabbed an apple from the table.
"Why not?" asked Harry. This certainly was out of character. Hermione wasn't the kind of person who would skive off lessons.
"I talked to Professor Flitwick. He said today's class is basically going to be a review to get us ready for the exam we'll have next week. Since I can review on my own, I asked him if I could skip his class so that I can do some of the work I have piled."
Ron and Harry looked at each other in amusement. For Hermione every single class was important, even when the professors were only reviewing for a test. As a matter of fact, she thought those reviews were very important since she could ask any questions she could have about the upcoming exam. But now, she was going to miss it. It really was odd.
"Are you really that behind in your work?" asked Harry. He just could not understand how Hermione had fallen back. She always had a set schedule, and she'd follow it to the minute.
Hermione looked at her wristwatch and after giving a big bite to her big green apple, quickly added while standing up preparing to leave.
"Yes. I must go now, gotta make use of every possible minute."
"Aren't you gonna eat?" asked Ron. To him nothing was more important than the three sacred meals (Breakfast, lunch and dinner) and skipping them to study was definitely not something he'd do. "How can you study on an empty stomach?"
But Hermione didn't respond to Ron. She probably didn't even hear him since she was almost halfway out of the Hall by the time Ron's words had completely come out of his mouth, and before either one of them realized, she was gone.
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That night at the common room, Hermione felt that at least she had one less thing to worry about. Skiving off Charms, as well as lunch, had given her enough time to catch up on her work. Since she had begun to panic about the big pile she had of homework, some of those assignments were due the next day, she had promised to herself she'd stay focused and get it done.
Now she was taking a well-deserved break in her favourite chair by the fire. Dean Thomas was sitting next to her. The two of them had been talking animatedly about their growing up in the muggle world. They were sharing funny stories of moments when without realizing it, they'd made things "happen" and how muggle kids would react to that.
Dean had just told Hermione about one time when he had been chased by a ferocious dog and had suddenly found himself inside his neighbor's car without doing a thing, and then having to explain to his neighbor how he had managed to get in since the car had been locked, when Harry and Ron entered the common room.
They had been out for quidditch practice. Their faces were pink due to the cold wind that had been hitting their faces as they rode their brooms. As soon as they walked in, Harry heard Hermione's distinct laughter echoing through the room.
A feeling Harry had never experienced before started to fill him up. There she was laughing her head off with this not-so-bad looking young wizard, who was looking at her in a way that didn't make Harry feel any better. A sudden rage took him over and before he had time to analyze his reaction, he was standing right in front of them, his fists clenched.
"Aren't you supposed to be working?" he said in a very harsh tone.
Both Dean and Hermione's laugh ended. They look curiously into the face of the angry man they had in front.
"Uh… I already finished," said Hermione. She felt awkward. Most everybody in the room were paying close attention to the situation after hearing Harry's angry voice. Dean, who could not understand what was the problem, stood up trying to interfere, but that only made Harry feel more irritated.
"Hey man, we're just talking," Dean tried to calm Harry down.
"Stay out of this!" Harry yelled back at him. Then looking at Hermione, he continued interrogating her in the same aggressive way. "Are you sure you finished? You sure made it sound like you had a lot to do."
"Yes, I'm sure," responded Hermione in a stronger way. She was beginning to feel upset about Harry's attitude.
"Really? 'Cause if not the only ones suffering are going to be Ron and I since we're the ones who have to deal with you."
The entire room fell silent by now. Even though almost no one knew how the whole thing had started, they were now paying close attention to Harry and Hermione's argument.
Hermione was feeling angrier by the minute. She had never expected Harry to see her as a problem he had to deal with, but most importantly she never thought he was going to tell her that having all Gryffindor house as witness.
"Don't worry Harry, you won't have to deal with me anymore." Right after she said that, Hermione stormed out through the portrait hole.
All she wanted was to be alone. She knew perfectly well that it was late and she should not be out of Gryffindor Tower, but she didn't care. Plus being Head Girl allowed her to walk around the corridors at night since she was supposed to keep an eye on the rest of the students.
Without caring about not making too much noise, she run nonstop until she found herself in the Astronomy Tower. She usually would come here to take a break, enjoy the view, or simply find a moment of peace and tranquility. At that time, she just wanted to get away.
So many things were twirling inside her head as the incident in the Common Room replayed in her mind. Why was Harry that angry with her? What had she done to make him this upset?
Maybe something happened at quidditch practice, but if that was the case, it wasn't her fault. He shouldn't have exploded with her like that. The fact that she was his friend did not give him the right to vent his angry feelings in her, especially not with all the Gryffindor student body looking.
Then, Hermione remembered Harry's last words. Talking about her as if she was a pest, something annoying he had to deal with. What made Hermione feel even worse were not the words themselves, but the way Harry had said them. With such anger.
Was she a burden for him? Was that the way he had always felt?
If Hermione had been feeling bad the previous days, this made her feel even worse. How could she not notice that Harry felt this way? And perhaps, what troubled her the most was that the possibility of Harry having feelings for her was farther away than before.
If he only saw her as a problem, now that she was supposed to be his friend, for sure, he was not likely to ever see her as anything more.
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The Common Room was almost deserted by now. After the episode, Harry had sunk in the floor by the fire and had not moved since. Not wanting to turn Harry on again, Ron went to his room without saying a word to him.
Harry could not believe what had just happened, or better said, he could not understand it. "What the hell was that?" he kept asking himself over and over for almost an hour. He could not explain what had taken over him.
He had had a good day, practice had gone well, he had even had some free time to spend with Angie. All day long, things had been fine. He had been fine, until the moment he saw Hermione talking to Dean. "But why did that bother me so?" he thought.
The fact of Hermione talking to another guy had not exactly been the problem. He'd seen her do that every single day. What really bothered him was to see how much she seemed to enjoy it. She was laughing in a way Harry had rarely see her, especially lately that she had been so weird, so serious, so absentminded.
But most of all, what tormented Harry were the cruel words he had said to her. He hadn't mean them at all. He wasn't even sure why he had said that. He was so angry with himself, he felt like banging his head on the wall, Dobby style.
Harry knew that no matter how hard he could punish himself, he'd never feel as bad as Hermione for sure had felt. Even though her words had been cold and distant before she left, he knew she was hurt. Harry saw it in her eyes. He had hurt one of the persons he cared most about, and that alone made him feel like the smallest, filthiest, most disgusting scum there was.
Suddenly, the Fat Lady's portrait flew open and Hermione walked in. It was past midnight. She stayed that late at the Astronomy Tower hoping that by now everyone would be in their dormitories. She had not expected Harry to still be there.
As soon as Hermione realized Harry was there, she tried to go upstairs as quickly as she could. Harry, who sensed her presence more than heard her come in, moved faster than her. He got up in one jump as if he had been sitting on a spring and in two quick steps he was standing next to her.
To keep her from running away, Harry grabbed one of her arms.
"I need to talk to you," he said urgently.
Hermione looked up at him, and then at his hand holding firmly her arm. Harry, however, was not willing to let go of her until she'd agree to hear what he had to say.
"Please," he implored.
Hermione let out a sigh of resignation and once again looked at his eyes. Seeing that she was willing to listen, he loosened his grip on her just a little while gently pulling her to make her sit at the red couch.
"Hermione," he said after they both had sat down. He didn't even know where to begin. "I'm so sorry. I know you're mad at me… and I know you're right." Feeling like he couldn't find the right words to make her see how sorry he was, he stood up and started pacing in front of the chimney.
"I don't know what the hell was wrong with me. I don't know why I got so mad, but I do know that I had no right to treat you like that." He kneeled in front on her and took one of her hands into his. "Hermione, I know I hurt you."
Hermione looked away. She didn't want him to look into her eyes and see just how much his words had hurt her, how bad she felt about it.
"I didn't mean it, Hermione, any of it. You know how much you matter to me. I didn't want to hurt you, I…" He was again having difficulty to find the right words. She meant so much to him and to put it into words was not an easy thing to do. There weren't enough words to describe all she represented to him.
Frustrated with himself for doing such a lousy job at apologizing, Harry leaned his face and rested his forehead on her knees. Hermione didn't know what to think. She was no longer mad at him, she could never stay mad at him, but she felt hurt, sad.
Still, a part of her also felt sorry for him, seeing him like that. Making an effort to give her voice a normal tone, she finally spoke.
"It's okay Harry, don't worry about it."
Harry raised his head and saw her brown eyes looking lovely at him, but before he could even say a word, she stood up.
"I'm going to bed now. Night Harry."
He stood up and saw her climb the stairs. Even after hearing her say that it was okay, he didn't feel any different. He was still mad at himself, but now he was also wondering what it was he had seen in Hermione's eyes.