*Harry's Room*
"Stupid, stupid, stupid." Harry kept repeating those words to himself as he paced his room like a caged animal waiting for the chance to break free. However, instead of calming down like he wanted to, he just found himself getting angrier by the second and couldn't fully understand why. All he knew was that he's been feeling this way for a few weeks… ever since the new term began.
A small voice in the back of his head kept telling him: *Calm down and face reality for a second. See what's right in front of your face*. For some reason, Harry wouldn't listen though. He just wished that voice would explain the war of emotions attacking him lately.
He learned a long time ago, the hard way, how to control his emotions. He was only one when his parents died. For a long time, he thought it was his fault. His own family could barely look at him more than a few moments before yelling at him or having to leave the room. He knows differently now, of course. They hated him because he was from a world they couldn't comprehend, but back then he didn't understand and learned how to grieve in his own way. Sure he cried a lot, but never once did he burden his family or anyone else with his pain. Some days, the ache got so bad he felt like he would explode on the inside, but he refused to ever let it show. He still thanks God every day that Hagrid showed up on his eleventh birthday. He doesn't even want to think about what would have happened to him if he was still with the Dursley's.
Even now, he finds it hard to be truly open with people. He lost more than just his parents when he was younger. Something inside of him shut down during the time he spent with the Dursley's. Harry knows it's true, but he doesn't know how to turn it back on either. He's never experienced first hand what it's like to love or be loved completely, but he's learned how to deal with loss. A hard lesson to learn, but it's a lesson he's learned well, maybe too well. As a result, he's remained closed off to most people for the better part of his life, and he knows that he's missing out because of it. There have been times when he's wanted to let certain people know how much he cares, and he's made conscious efforts to do so. Yet, when the perfect moment comes, he backs down every time. Now, he's afraid of love because everything he's ever cared about has been ripped away violently and without warning.
`I guess that's why I've never taken any girl out more than once' he thought suddenly.
*Yeah keep trying to convince yourself that's the only reason why*, the voice in the back of his head taunted.
It's been over sixteen years since his parents were murdered and, in that time, he's become a master of disguising his true feelings. Lately, however, he's been unable to keep as strong a lock on his emotions, not to mention his temper, as usual. Things around him are changing and it's scaring him, although he would never admit that. Sure, he realizes that change is an inevitable part of life. As far as he can tell, he's always adapted to and accepted every curveball that's been thrown his way. Lord knows there's been more than one too. Living his life with no parents, being forced to stay with a family that despised him, being thrust into a world he knew nothing about, and being responsible for the lives of so many. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
It wasn't easy by any means, but he's managed to create a life that he loves, and he's become part of a family with the Weaslys and Hermione that, although completely unconventional, has given him so much. He's been forced into situations, ranging from horrifying to utterly hopeless more than once, and he's fought with people that have wanted to kill him or someone he loves. In the end however, his family sticks together, regardless of the circumstances. They do whatever's necessary and make any sacrifice for each other.
His lifestyle, he's begun to realize, doesn't exactly help his problem. If anything, it makes it worse. Being faced on a fairly consistent basis with losing someone you love isn't exactly conducive to opening your heart more. That would just make it hurt a hell of a lot more if something ever did happen to one of them, right?
`Why, after everything I've been through, am I having so much trouble keeping my emotions in check for Christ's sake?' he angrily thought. `That's something I've never had a problem with before. I especially can't understand why now. I mean no one is currently threatening the world or my family for once, at least not directly, and I probably just had the most amazing summer of my life,' his mind continued.
Since he was of legal age now, Dumbeldore couldn't make Harry stay with the Dursley's if he didn't want to. He left on his seventeenth birthday and never looked back. To celebrate his freedom and their final summer before graduating Hogwarts, Harry met up with Ron and Hermione in Europe, where they spent the remainder of the summer term hanging out and sight seeing. It was the best time he's ever had, and now, just a few weeks later, he's totally miserable
`WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!' he yelled inside his own head. Completely frustrated with his current train of thinking, Harry abruptly dropped down onto his bed and tried unsuccessfully to just shut his mind off for a minute.
*Oh come on. Just think about it for one second, that's all I'm asking. I know this is hard for you. Believe me, I know better than anyone, but there's no use fighting it…she's already in and has been for quite awhile. Just tell her how you…*
"SHUT UP" he finally screamed out loud, surprised by the sound of his own voice after listening to conflicting inner dialogue all night.
Suddenly a loud knock came to his dorm room door, which sent Harry upright on his bed hastily.
"What is it?" he answered, more harshly then he had intended.
"Are you alright, mate" Ron asked, as he tentatively entered their room. He normally wouldn't have knocked, but Harry's been in a weird mood lately.
"I'm fine Ron," Harry sighed and returned to his prone position on the bed.
"That's not what it sounded like to me just now," Ron replied "or earlier," he added cautiously.
"What are you talking about?" Harry asked sharply. Again, he raised his voice without meaning to do so. "I'm sorry, Ron," he immediately apologized. "I just… I don't know," and he let out a long breath between his lips.
*I think you do know*
"I think you do know," Ron echoed his inner thoughts.
Harry jumped off his bed unexpectedly in response to his friend's statement and began pacing the length of his room again, unconsciously running a hand through his messy hair.
"So, why were the two of you fighting this time?" Ron ventured. "I couldn't help but notice that you were louder than usual tonight."
Harry stopped pacing and without meeting Ron's eyes gave a lame answer. "What are you talking about? We bicker all the time about everything. Tonight…" he briefly hesitated, "well, it was no different."
*Yes it was*
"Yes it was," Ron echoed again.
`Jesus, can he read my mind now,' Harry thought, as he ran a hand over his face.
"And it has been different since the beginning of the term," Ron continued. "What's going on between you two? You never used to fight with her this much. That was my job. You know you can tell me."
Tired and frustrated, Harry's resolve crumbled right in front of his friend's eyes and he took a seat beside Ron on the bed.
"I'm not entirely sure how to explain it," he began.
"Go on," Ron insisted.
"The last couple of weeks have been a little crazy…maybe I just haven't adjusted to being back in school again. I mean, I've never been the biggest fan of schedules or authority, you know that." Ron couldn't help but nod and smirk at that comment. Neither of them were particularly good with that, but they always got by.
"Think about it, man. We just had such an awesome summer together. Who wouldn't have trouble adjusting?" Harry continued. "I mean we had complete freedom and beautiful places. Just me, you, …and Mione." He stopped and looked away suddenly after saying her name. Ron was about to encourage him to resume talking when he kept going on his own.
"I don't know… have you noticed things changing?" Harry asked silently.
"Besides the way you have been acting…" he replied cautiously, and decided to let that statement sink in.
"What about…. I mean with Mione and the way that she's been acting?" he asked hesitantly and hung his head slightly.
"Well…" Ron had to think about that for a second. "She hasn't really been around much lately."
He paused after saying this and realized that's probably the reason Harry's been so upset. `Harry knows it too,' Ron realized, as he looked at his friend's pained expression. `He knows that when she's not around he's just not as happy, and it scares the hell out of him that he cares that much. It's been a long time since he's let someone have that much control over the way he feels. She does have that control, but Harry won't face it. Admitting it to himself would make it real, which means the hurt would be real too. What if she rejected him? Or what if, God forbid, something ever happened to her? Could he survive that?'
Ron knows those same questions must have gone through his friend's head about a million times by now. He also knows how much Hermione means to Harry. He's probably known a lot longer than Harry has. It's almost ridiculous how perfect they are for each other. They fight all the time, but make up immediately. Their arguing is always playful. They've been known to get physical on more than one occasion, yet would never intentionally hurt each other. It's like they enjoy finding new ways to get reactions out of each other. It's all very strange, but with an undeniably intimate quality to it. The few times he's seen them get truly angry with one another, before recently that is, has always been because one risked their life to save or protect the other. This is something that both are willing to do, and have done, on numerous occasions, without a second thought. You'd think acts so unselfish would bring two people closer, but these two need to blow up at each other first. Ron knows they do this because they're both so afraid, not of dying, but of losing the other. They don't know how else to channel those fears, so they argue. In any case, he can see that every fight, big or small, brings them closer together some how. They fight so willingly and so passionately with each other, but they fight just as passionately for each other, no matter what the situation.
Ron has forever seen the way that Harry looks at Hermione, even if she doesn't, and vice versa. He just can't understand why two people with such a strong devotion to one another can't get it together already. He thought for sure they would figure it out over this past summer. The three of them spent weeks together and traveling. They had so much fun.
A sudden memory made Ron laugh out loud. No matter where they all were while on vacation, Harry and Hermione would always drift off by themselves at some point. Everyday they would find Ron somewhere alone and ask why he kept wandering off, like he was the one who had left them. They don't even realize that they do it. It's like they're magnetically attracted to the same things and each other all at once.
"What's so funny?" Harry asked, interrupting Ron's thoughts.
Harry was now over by his dresser fingering a picture that had been taken of the three of them in front of the Eiffel Tower about two months ago. A time when the three of them, or more specifically Harry and Hermione, had been inseparable. Truth be told, the two of them have been inseparable since the age of eleven. It's made Ron jealous at times, but for the most part he's been content to observe the dynamic of their relationship.
When they were all younger, she was the only one he would listen to sometimes. Harry used to have these days, where he would shut down and walk around the school like a robot. At times, he wouldn't even acknowledge when someone was talking to him. It could be really scary. He'd always let Hermione in eventually though, but only her. Even if it were only in the smallest way and with his total reluctance, she'd get through and bring him back to life some how. She never could stand to see him upset for too long, and wouldn't give up until she got him smiling again. Little by little she broke down his walls and became his safe place.
For so long, Harry's been able to avoid facing his feelings for Hermione because she's always been there, giving him love and support without asking him to make his heart even more vulnerable to her, at least not consciously. The closeness they share is incomparable, and has never been threatened. `At least not until recently,' Ron realized. `It all makes sense now. Why Harry's been so upset and unable to control his emotions, most notably his anger. His calming influence and safe place haven't been around so much lately.'
"Harry?"
"Yeah, Ron," Harry absently answered, clearly entertaining his own thoughts.
"Do you… miss Hermione?" Ron asked quietly
"What?" Harry asked incredulously. He was obviously caught off guard and made uncomfortable by the question. He quickly composed himself, however, to deny his friend's suggestion. "What are you talking about? How could I miss her? I see her every day," he finished with a nervous laugh that even he knew sounded unconvincing.
"That's true," Ron continued "but she's been spending a considerable amount of time with her new boyfriend and…"
"Boyfriend!" Harry passionately interrupted before Ron could finish the sentence. It was like someone had suddenly lit a fire beneath him. "I would hardly call Ernie MacMillan her boyfriend, Ron. She barely even knows the guy and he's such an asshole you wouldn't even believe it. He thinks because he's a seventh year and captain of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team that he's God's gift to women, and that he can do whatever he wants with them, or say whatever he wants about them. And Hermione is spending so much time with him and his friends. He's just gonna hurt her Ron, and then I'm gonna have to kill him." He paused out of breath and then finished in only a slightly calmer tone. "She deserves so much better. You and I both know that. I just can't understand why she's doing this."
Ron let his friend settle down more before speaking again. "She's a very special person, mate. Maybe Ernie sees that and…"
"Yeah she is special, Ron. She's perfect, she's…." Harry stopped before finishing that sentence, and then looked up with renewed anger in his eyes. "I can guarantee you that Ernie doesn't see any of that though. All he sees is another girl to conquer, a boost to his already enormous ego, and another notch to add to his bedpost. He said as much right to my face, and believe me when I tell you that he enjoyed rubbing my nose in it." After his tirade ended, Harry began pacing the room again like a madman.
"Did you tell Hermione any of this?" Ron questioned
"Of course I did," Harry nearly screamed. "I tried to tell her tonight, but she is so stubborn. Do you think she listened to me?" he exclaimed. He was breathing so heavily at this point that Ron was once again unsure of what to say next. Before he could think of anything though, Harry continued with a defeated tone in his voice and look in his eyes, something Ron never thought he would see coming from his best friend
"How could she not believe me, Ron? I would never lie to her, or purposely try to hurt her. She means too much to…" He suddenly stopped lowering his head and his voice. "I just wouldn't."
"I know that…and so does she." Ron confirmed.
"Oh yeah," Harry said taking a seat on the bed beside his friend again. "Then why is she out with him right now?"
Ron asked his next question very cautiously knowing that it could easily set him off again. "Harry, how did you…I mean how did you bring all of this up to her? You didn't mention it while you were fighting, did you?"
Harry only sighed, confirming what Ron already knew to be true.
"Harry," he continued, "why would you do that? You know how she gets when someone tries to tell her what to do."
"Yeah I know," he said.
"So why do it?" Ron asked
"I didn't intend to. I just got upset." Harry answered.
"Why?"
"Why, what?" Harry asked annoyed.
"Why were you so upset?"
"You know why Ron. I…I just don't want her hurt is all," he finished.
"Is that all?" Ron asked quietly
"Is that all?" Harry repeated with a sigh in his voice and then put his head in his hands. For the second time that night he heard that question and didn't know how to answer it.
*Two hours prior*
"YOU'RE NOT GOING!" Harry screamed. He had come into Hermione's room while she was getting ready for her `so called' date to have a civilized conversation. Unfortunately, it just wasn't going the way he had planned. Their discussion, like every other one they've been having recently, quickly escalated into a full-blown screaming match. When he told her not to go, she turned on him faster than lightning. He knew that he just stuck his foot in his mouth and was heading down the wrong path with her again.
"WHAT?" she screamed as loudly as he had. "You're trying to tell me what I can or cannot do again. Who do you think you are Potter? You can't just walk into my room and try to control my life. Do you think your God now?"
"No, that would be your asshole date, Hermione."
"Shut up, Harry! You don't even know him."
"Oh, and you know him so well?" he demanded.
"I know him better than you."
"Yeah, well did you know that the only reason he's going out with you is to get you into bed!" he yelled completely frustrated.
The look she got in her eyes as soon as he said that made him want to take it back more than anything else in this world. He hurt her, and he knew it. He'd just done what he was trying to prevent someone else from doing. Harry thought for sure she was going to slap him, but instead she turned her back so that he could no longer see her face.
What he didn't know was that he had just voiced everything that Hermione had known to be true long before Ernie even asked her out. The only reason she was going out with this guy was to try and move on. Harry obviously wasn't interested, and she wasn't going to sit around while he fell in love with one of those girls that were constantly throwing themselves at him. She wasn't going to watch like a little puppy dog, and she certainly wasn't going to settle for being second best. It just wasn't her style, or the way she wanted to live her life.
Still, there had been so many times when she thought he cared for her more. She couldn't be sure though. He shows how much he cares through actions and not words. She knows that better than anyone, but she would need to hear him say it, if it were true. This summer, she thought he was going to under the stars in Italy and then again at the Eiffel Tower, but he never did.
`I can't keep doing this to myself,' she thought angrily. She builds herself up only to be let down every time. And here she was letting him do it to her again by catching a glimmer in his eye or a tone in his voice and then grasping onto it. The hope and anticipation would make her heart beat so fast and loud that she couldn't hear the voice telling her to just stop.
When Hermione didn't turn around, Harry put his hand on her shoulder. She knew she should shrug it off, but couldn't because she loved his touch and the safe way it always made her feel. Like nobody else's could.
He gently squeezed her shoulder. Then she heard him take a breath and knew that meant he was trying to figure out how to say something.
"Please don't go," he said barely above a whisper.
Something in his voice made her let go and release the unshed tears in her eyes. She still refused to turn around and let him see how vulnerable he made her, however. It seemed to take all of her energy to respond without letting her voice crack or her resolve slip away.
"Why don't you want me to go?" she asked, hoping he would say what she's been waiting to hear.
"Because…" he hesitated, taking his hand off her shoulder and backing away slightly, "…because I don't him to hurt you is all."
She didn't say anything for what seemed like forever to Harry and he was about to give up and leave when she stopped him with that question.
"Is that all?" she asked in a strained voice.
What Harry heard in that question confused him. He wasn't entirely sure what she wanted him to say. All he knew was that he didn't want her to go and he wanted to tell her that, and about every amazing feeling that she has ever made him feel since she came into his life. He didn't think she wanted to hear that though, and he didn't want to upset her further so he simply answered, "Of course, that's all."
Harry never saw the tears on her face, or the hurt look in her eyes as she stormed right past him. All he heard were the words, "You don't need to worry about me anymore," and the door slam behind her. Those words were like a knife through his heart, and in that moment he thought the question: "Is that all?" would haunt him for the rest of his life. Once again, he didn't let himself tell her how he felt. Every fiber of his being wanted to, but he just couldn't get the words to come out of his mouth. All he could do at that point was get angry at himself.
*Present*
"Well?" Ron insisted, bringing Harry back from the memory of their argument earlier this evening.
"Is that all?" Ron asked again. "Is that the only reason this is upsetting you so much, because you don't want her hurt? Or is it because there is something more?"
The last part of what Ron said wasn't really a question and Harry knew it. There had always been something more between them. His mind and his heart just couldn't agree on how to handle it, and now it was too late. That realization yielded the first real broken heart of his life. It didn't really seem fair to him either. He didn't even get the chance to love her the way he knew he could, the way that she deserved.
"It's not too late you know." Ron said
"You gotta stop reading my mind like that Ron, it's starting to freak me out," Harry said with a grin.
Ron didn't know what he was talking about, but was glad to see him smiling for the first time in a while.
"So," Ron ventured, "now that you've finally admitted to yourself how you feel, please tell me you plan to do something about it."
"What should I do?" Harry asked seriously
"Only you can know that, mate," Ron said as he got off the bed to leave. Before he left, however, he turned around to leave his friend with one last piece of advice. "I would strongly suggest talking, and I mean really talking, to her soon. Hermione has many virtues, but, like you, patience isn't always one of them.
"Hey," Harry replied, but they both laughed knowing it was so true.
"I only speak the truth man," Ron said with a smile.
"I know" Harry answered calmly. "Thanks for everything Ron. I owe you one."
"No need. It is what friends are for," Ron responded as he closed the door behind him confident that things would work out.
*Harry's Room*
For the first time in weeks, Harry was smiling and feeling like himself again. `Why did I wait so long?' he suddenly thought. However, just as quickly as that thought came he dismissed it and decided to move on. Hermione has been the light of his life and the only girl he's ever wanted to spend time with or devote energy to since he's met her. If he didn't give it a try for fear of losing her, than he would eventually lose her anyway to someone else. He could see that clearly now. He didn't realize it before because she's always been there and seemed more than happy to devote the same type of energy to him. `I only hope that Ron's right and it's not too late,' he thought. `If she gives me the chance, I'll never take her for granted again.'
Once again, he was walking the length of his room. Only this time, it was not done in anger, but to help clear his head. Finally, he started talking to himself aloud to try and figure out what to do next.
"Ok, all I have to do is talk to her and explain how I feel. She'll understand, just like she always has. I've always been able to be open to her about everything, except for this of course. She reads me like a book without even trying. She can explain me to myself and to others." He stopped for a while to think about every thing he was saying. Then, decided to continue.
"I can put on a show for people to hide my real emotions and fool everyone without even blinking, but she can walk right into the room, take one look into my eyes, and see what's going on inside me. Then I know she'll find some way to take me aside and talk everything through until I feel better. I've tried on more than one occasion to fool her or to avoid her when I'm depressed or upset about something. No matter what though, she sees right through me and makes me feel better even when I try to resist it."
He stopped again as something suddenly occurred to him. `So how can someone that knows me better than I know myself, not see the way I feel…have always felt,' he thought. `Maybe she has noticed, but has chosen to ignore it. Maybe she hopes that it will go away because she doesn't feel the same. Maybe she's waiting for me to make the first move. Maybe it's ridiculous for me to think that she could recognize feelings that I hadn't even recognized. Or maybe all of this conjecture is completely stupid and useless.'
*Stop driving yourself crazy with what ifs and go find out the truth.*
For the first time, he decided to listen to what that little voice was telling him. "I just need to talk to Mione and straighten this all out," he voiced.
`Much easier said than done,' he thought as he left his room determined to talk to her as soon as she got back to her room. He's glad that she's Head Girl. `This is not gonna be simple, but she's without a doubt worth it and I've never backed away from something I wanted just because it'd be challenging. I'm not about to start now,' he decided.
-->