A/N: This is an excerpt from a longer story I had attempted to write but never got around to finishing. I was going to start working on it again after HBP, but no longer have the desire. What you need to know to "get" it is that Hermione's parents were killed during the summer between 6th and 7th year - in a brutal way which she was forced to witness. Also, it's not a "complete" story. It may seem choppy because of that, especially at the beginning and end. Sorry about that.
This is most likely my last post here at Portkey. I wanted to say thank you to everyone for making it all so much fun. I appreciate your feedback and support more than you'll ever know.
This is for the Hermione Granger that I love…may she rest in peace. J
Harry looked around the room and sighed. The Room of Requirement was filled to bursting with the students who had swelled the DA's ranks by his seventh year, the Order members who signed up to give them extra training in the art of defence, and two very tired best friends. He knew they had to do this - they had to proceed as if there was hope. They had to work harder than ever in order to toughen up and face this war head on. Even if he didn't have a chance of surviving, he wanted to make a difference. He wanted his friends - his generation - to survive and fight and never be forced to give in to hatred.
For the past hour, he, Ron, and Hermione had been working on deflecting spells. The rest of the students had finished up their work on shields and sat around talking - decompressing, really - while watching the trio continue to pound away at a solution to the inevitable Voldemort problem.
Ron and Hermione would combine to defend Harry, while he tried to turn the energy used in the deflection of magic to increase the power of his own attack. The work was exhausting. They would take attack spells from Remus or Tonks, not knowing what was being sent their way. They had absorbed so much over the weeks and this extensive workout was draining them. The strain was showing on all their faces; their tempers were running high as well.
"Get up, Ron! Now!"
"Bloody hell, Hermione! Sod off! I'm completely knackered. I'm bruised and battered - so are you. I can see you limping and you're wheezing like a hippogriff in heat. Harry can barely keep his eyes open and I saw him wiping blood off his arms at least twice. We're all dead tired and we need some sleep, not to mention a few healing charms for good measure. Give it a rest, already! I'm off to bed and if you've any sense left in that thick skull of yours, I'd suggest you do the same! You've gone completely, barking mad, you have!"
Ron sat on the floor not moving a muscle, seemingly in protest. His arms were crossed and his breathing was slowing to a steady strum, though his nostrils were still flaring.
Harry couldn't help but be grateful for Ron's rant. He, too, was feeling incapable of going on, but he never wanted to be the one to suggest stopping. Hermione had become a witch possessed.
"Get up, Ron, and get ready for another go." Her voice was dangerous - lower than usual, strikingly quiet and yet clearly understood by everyone in the room. Even the adults looked apprehensive. Her arms were crossed and she stood squarely on the strength remaining in both of her legs. Her feet were hip-width apart. Her head angled downward and her eyes looked up at Ron in a way that made the hairs on the back of Harry's neck stand up. Her mouth was barely a slit in the middle of her face. In the chairs by the wall, some of the onlookers shifted uneasily.
"Hermione…," Ron began but would never have a chance to finish his sentence. She moved so quickly that there were gasps heard throughout the room. In an instant, she was in front of his face, violently grabbing his shirt as she pulled him to his feet.
She was breathing fire.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN, RON? DO YOU THINK VOLDEMORT WILL WAIT UNTIL WE'RE READY? DO YOU THINK HE'LL SEND US A GODDAMNED INVITE? YOU'LL BLINK YOUR EYE ONE DAY AND HE'LL BE GONE."
She pointed to Harry with emphasis without even turning her head to look at him.
"THAT BOY, RIGHT OVER THERE. THE ONE YOU SAY IS YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOUR BROTHER. THE ONE YOU SAY YOU'LL DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT. THE ONE YOU SAY YOU'LL DIE FOR. WELL IT'S TIME TO ANTE UP, RON! NO MORE PRETTY WORDS AND CLICHES. NO MORE WISHING IT WEREN'T SO.
"I WILL NOT LET YOU FAIL, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? I WILL NOT LET HIM DIE! I DON'T CARE IF IT KILLS ME. AND I'M NOT FUSSED IF IT KILLS YOU. I WILL NOT LET HIM DIE! I WILL NOT LET THAT SNAKE-WORSHIPPING, SLIME-INFESTED, MUGGLE-HATING, TWISTED, SICK SON-OF-A-BITCH GET HIS HANDS ON HARRY ONE MORE TIME! HE'S WORTH MORE THAN THE REST OF US IN THIS ROOM PUT TOGETHER. HE DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS. HE DESERVES A LIFE, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. HE. WILL. NOT. DIE. DO YOU HEAR ME, WEASLEY? NOT AS LONG AS I HAVE LIFE LEFT IN ME. DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU BLOODY WELL UNDERSTAND, YOU GREAT PRAT? NOW GET YOUR ARSE IN GEAR AND RAISE YOUR FUCKING WAND!"
She let go of Ron's shirt and let out a breath. Her face had turned red, then purple. Her eyes had gotten so wide that she looked a bit like Trelawney. She hadn't bothered to take more than enough breath to speak her peace. Everyone in the room was completely still. Eyes were wide, tears ran down faces, but no one moved.
"Remus," she whispered. "Send us another curse." Ron straightened up a bit and raised his wand, his mouth still hanging open in shock. Remus took a deep breath and let it go without comment. He hesitantly raised his wand.
"NO!" Harry stood in front of Ron and Hermione. He looked at Remus. "No more. We've done enough for tonight." Looking around the room, Harry was shaken by the fear Hermione's rant had instilled in all of them. "Everyone get some rest. Ron, you should go see Madam Pomfrey before you head back to the common room."
Ron barely nodded, glanced warily at Hermione, who was looking fit to burst again, and turned to pick up his robes. Before Hermione could launch into another tirade, Harry had silenced her with a look. She simply huffed loudly and walked to the side of the room where she had left her robes. Colin Creevey jumped out of her way as if he was evading an oncoming train. Harry heard her gasp in surprise when he grabbed her by the back of her shirt and dragged her out of the room.
* * *
He dragged her out of the castle. They hadn't exchanged a single word since Hermione's explosion in the
Room of Requirement. He practically pulled her along behind him, not caring that her stride was shorter than his. She tripped several times, but he wouldn't be waylaid. He walked down past Hagrid's hut and continued to the lake beyond, making sure they were well and truly out of the sight of prying eyes before virtually throwing her to the ground.
"Honestly, Harry, what is wrong with you?!"
"Me?! ME?! You are mad. You know that. Ron's right. You're completely mental! What has gotten into you, Granger? Just who the fuck do you think you are?"
"Ron's right?! Ron is right? Now that's a sentence you don't hear often. He's perfectly willing to pull the same old ickle Ronnie routine and you're going to let him get away with it! 'I'm tiiired, I'm hurt. I don't
want to do any more than what's required of me.' Boo-fucking-hoo. That won't do this time, and you very well know it." She narrowed her eyes. "What's wrong, Harry? Do you want to die? Do you have a death wish? Are you looking for a way out, too-?"
She choked on that last word. She obviously hadn't meant for it to escape. She stepped away from him and averted her gaze.
But the silence was deafening. And Harry replayed the words in his mind.
Are you looking for a way out, too?
He noticed she was shaking. But then, there wasn't much about Hermione Granger that Harry Potter didn't
notice. Not anymore.
"Merlin, Hermione." His voice was a whisper. "Can you hear yourself? Can you see what you've become? You're a machine, and you're driving yourself to destruction. I had thought it was unintentional. Now I'm not so sure." The mere thought of what she was suggesting was heartbreaking. He couldn't fathom the unfathomable. He couldn't.He pushed further. "So you're saying it's not all right for me to want to die, but it's perfectly acceptable for you. Can't you see what that would do to me? Don't you get it?"She stood staring at the ground, arms crossed as if protecting herself. He was a good five feet away from her, his eyes never leaving her shattered form. He was pleading in his own inimitable way. He wouldn't bridge the distance. He couldn't. His upbringing had left him completely deprived of the skills needed to express what was now filling his heart. And his fear and insecurities where she was concerned wouldn't allow him to open himself up to injury that way. Her rejection, which he was so certain would come, would be a wound he would never recover from.No. She would have to do it.She raised her eyes to look at him. One look and her stony face crumpled. The tears filled her eyes and dropped quickly down over her cheekbones. "What's going to happen to us, Harry? If we die, we willhave failed them. Their deaths will have meant nothing. If we live, if we survive this confrontation…"Her voice trailed off. A choked sob escaped her throat.He felt tears sting his eyes so he squeezed them shut.I will not cry. I will not cry.He plopped down on the ground where he stood, no longer able to hold his weary body up. He sat with hisfeet flat on the ground, his legs bent and his arms propped up casually on his knees. His head was bent in sorrow.This didn't have to happen. She wasn't in the prophecy. She didn't deserve this. I never should have dragged her into this mess - into my life, my nightmare."I know what you're thinking," she said, a renewed sense of purpose in her voice. "You're such a dolt, Harry. Monumentally stupid, you are. You sit there mired in your martyrdom, letting the guilt suck you in. Too right, really. It's all your fault, isn't it? Hermione is an orphan. Hermione is losing her marbles. Hermione hasn't studied for N.E.W.T.s and her world is falling apart. Hermione is barking mad, and it's all the fault of the stupid Boy-Who-Never-Saw-a-Problem-He-Couldn't-Claim-for-His-Very-Own!"She almost seemed out of breath. He was sure she was building up another head of steam, but if it meant she didn't suffer in silence, crying her eyes out, then he'd let her berate him all she wanted.
But she didn't go there. She turned away from him and her shoulders sagged. She seemed to consider her next words very carefully."It's a gift, Harry. You think it's a burden - a curse, even. But your life is a gift to the rest of us. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars that you are in my life. And I don't mean because of your bloody destiny, either! Just you - you're so beautifu1." He felt the tears rolling down his cheeks but he was helpless to stop them. She continued in a tone so soft and quiet, it could have lulled him to sleep if the words weren't so almighty powerfu1."I came to this school with nothing but my books for company. It took me all of a day to alienate and enrage people…Ron, Malfoy, Snape, even you. I was alone again and ready to bury myself in the library for seven years, living off traded owls and care packages from my parents. I sunk so low, I even imagined that they were glad to be rid of me. And then the troll." The memory brought a smile to each of their faces. "You and Ron saved my life in more ways than one that day. After that, my mission in life was clear. I would get you two through school with respectable marks and I would do everything in my power to keep you alive and make your life easier. Well, maybe not always easier, but definitely better than the Dursleys, right?" He could see her half-hearted smile. Then she looked up at him and their eyes met and in one strange instant, they could feel the power of their stare. Some sort of tangible electrical current sparked in the air. Neither knew if it was real or imagined, but they both felt it. It was happening more and more lately. They'd come to accept it, and so had Ron. She continued."For seven years, Harry, I've watched you. I've studied you. I've dissected you. I've taught you. I've learnt from you. I've helped and hindered you. I've held you and pushed you away. I've cheered for you and yelled at you. I've listened and I've talked - Merlin knows I've talked. I've broken you down, Harry, and I've built you back up. I've cherished you. Cherished you above all else. And I've had to ask myself why."After Mum and Dad died…after all that hell last summer, I began to examine my feelings for you and for Ron. I needed to know where I stood in this world and who stood with me. The people who brought me into this world were gone and I began to understand how you've felt all these lonely years. Floating without a compass. Existing in a sort of vacuum." She shook her head clear of that train of thought and continued."I looked at our friendship and I realised two things. One, Ron is my brother. My irritating, over-protective, immature, exasperating…wonderful, loyal, lovely brother. If it wasn't clear after the fiasco known as 'Our One Date' last year, then it certainly was after my parents' deaths. I wanted to see him so he could make me laugh, or so I could concentrate on whatever it is that I need to nag him about. I thought long and hard about it. I love him and I treasure his friendship.""Two," and here she whispered. "I cannot live without you in this world. Plain and simple."She gathered herself and began with renewed strength. "This revelation hit me like a tonne of bricks, Harry, make no mistake. It may be obvious to other people; it may not. Some may say they saw it coming all along, but I can tell you for certain that I didn't. I didn't look to love you in this way. I didn't want to lose myself to you, or to anyone for that matter. But it happened just the same. Thinking back, I wondered what had caused this rift in my soul. The rift that said I had given control of so much of it over to someone else."I thought of our adventures over the years. I thought of the fact that you were the first person in the world to ever befriend me of your own accord. I wondered if I was so desperate for acceptance that I gave up myown self-respect to do your homework and solve your problems just so I could hang on to you. Then we got older and you…well, you blossomed, and I wondered if it was because you became popular with the girls and I was jealous. I even wondered if I was just another fan girl who wanted a piece of the famous Harry Potter.
"It's none of that, Harry. Do you know how I figured it out?" The question was rhetorical. She didn't even glance at him for an answer. "I imagined the unimaginable. After all, my own parents' deaths made it so clear to me…how I valued them, what they meant to me, what my life was because of them and what it would become without them. So I imagined that Voldemort killed you that night as well. How would my life be different?"Well, obviously, I'd be without one of my two very best friends, so I'd be sad. But I'm sad without my parents anyway. I'd no longer be working my arse off to defeat Voldemort, as I imagined that you, being you, would have taken the smarmy bastard with you, and that was a plus. Thanks, by the way. I'd be at Hogwarts revising for N.E.W.T.s, much the same as I am now."She turned to look at him and he was struck dumb by the look in her eyes. They were so full of…life. He could feel the energy pulsing off of her. While he thought her almost suicidal a few moments earlier, he found the look in her eyes comforting. His Hermione would never give up. She would never leave him - not willingly. He felt more and more certain of that as she continued to lay herself bare for him. "But in all this imagining, Harry, I was watching myself as a body, a shell of my former self, moving around my boring life like an automaton. There was nothing of me left…because you took it all with you. My heart and soul. You have them both, completely tied up in your sweetness and your courage and your kindness and your daftness and your handsome face and your boyish grin and your blasted hero complex and your countless insecurities. And in that great big heart of yours and in that troubled mind." She took a deep breath."And in exchange for my heart and soul, you've given me colour, you've given me meaning. You've shown me what we learn things for. You've given me companionship and camaraderie where I had none before. You've given me hope and compassion and a reason to spend even more time in the hallowed halls of the library. For all my learning, Harry, you've taught me how to live. How to love. You've given me a reason, Harry…for everything. Quite a gift."I cherish Ron's friendship; I cherish you. Fears and risks and possibilities and probabilities be damned. It just wouldn't mean anything without you."She was whispering now. "It's my choice and mine alone. Where else would I be? Where else could I go? This is where I belong." And then, barely audible, "With you."He blinked and another tear dropped over his lower lid. His heart swelled, even with the weight of his guilt burdening his conscience. That anyone could find him worthy, let alone Hermione, was a dream he thought impossible. Years of abuse pressing down on him. Years of being told he was a freak, worthless and insignificant, and yet she'd managed in one night to make him feel more than worthy. He felt loved. And as he looked in her eyes, he thought to himself, There is no greater feeling in the world than to be loved by Hermione Granger.This is it.This was the moment he'd wondered about for the past year or…how long had he been wondering about it? He wasn't altogether certain. And he wasn't sure what he wanted to happen. Should he stop her or should he beg her to come to him? It was a war being fought between his conscience and his heart. His head and his gut.Please come to me. Please let us have this before we die. Just a few moments of happiness. I won't ask for anything more.As sure as if he had spoken out loud, she'd read this thoughts. Their communication had long left the realm of the explicable. That was what had spooked Ron the most. He might have fought. Ron had confided in Harry that he might have tried again with Hermione, but for the looks. The unspoken understanding. The bizarre connection between these two people who defined Ron's world. Harry had shrugged off Ron's assertion that there was something going on between Hermione and him, even if neither one of them admitted to it. Secretly, though, he was not at all unhappy that Ron had given up on her. That had been his first clue as to the depth of his feelings for Hermione.She moved toward him in a slow and deliberate manner. It seemed to him forever before she knelt before him. She took his hands in hers and stared at him with an intensity that caused his heart to beat faster. "Harry. All I've ever wanted, since our first grand adventure together when we were children, is your happiness. I didn't think you'd want me to…I didn't think you could ever want…I mean, you're so beautiful, inside and out. I'm not…beautiful. I'm not…refined, in that way. I'm loud and arrogant and obnoxious. I'm not good enough…I don't want you to feel…"
For the first time, she looked lost for words and a bit helpless. The tears, which had subsided, returned in full force. The frustration got the better of her. She shook her head and breathed out, "Oh! This is so hard!" She dropped her gaze to the ground in defeat.He squeezed her hands gently and she lifted her head to meet his gaze. "You don't have to say the words, Hermione. You said them inside - shouted them, really, much to Ron's chagrin." He smiled weakly. "The thing is, if I was as eloquent as you…" He smirked. "If I was as strong as you, then you'd hear the samespeech on your behalf. I mean, for you to think you're not good enough…well, you've got that one backwards." He blushed a bit and lowered his eyes, waiting for her to save his life.Please, God, let her save my life, one more time.She smiled back at him, a meek but meaningful attempt.Then she did it. She leapt off the cliff without a parachute."I love you. I love you, Harry Potter, more than life itself. And I will cease to exist if you leave me."His heart soared. He could not suppress his smile this time. He took a deep breath and opened his arms toher. She barreled him over and they burst out laughing. Rolling around in twigs and leaves and dirt, they held on to each other for dear life, laughing like the regular seventeen year-olds they were supposed to be. Finally, he pulled back. He was leaning on his left elbow, half of his body resting against hers. Her smile at this moment was the greatest gift anyone had ever given him. His expression became serious as he studied every inch of her face. Not that he needed to. He was sure he knew every nook and cranny, every adorable flaw, every beautiful detail of her loving, devoted, angelic face. Her expression became serious, as well, under his scrutiny. He pushed several stray hairs out of her eyes with his fingers, then traced her jaw line and rested his fingers ever so gently on her lips.
He swallowed audibly and licked his lips. Hermione did the same. Their hearts were beating wildly and loudly and their whole lives were this moment. Nothing else mattered. Nothing. If he could have this moment, he'd die a happy man.He leaned in slowly, closed his eyes just as hers fluttered shut, and very tentatively pushed his lips against her soft mouth. Thank you, God. He pulled back to gauge her reaction. She slowly opened her eyes and gently framed his face with her hands. She moved first this time, lifting her head to encourage him. They met in the middle and their mouths very quickly opened up to each other. Just a bit. Then more and more until what they were doing was more akin to tasting than kissing. She took his upper lip between hers and kissed it. His tongue reached out to taste her lower lip. When he got his chance, he took her lower lip between his and suckled it a bit. Small touches. Gentle kisses. Quiet caresses.This intense snogging session was all about discovery. The new frontier. He lay down on his side and pulled her to face him, his mouth never letting go of hers. He had imagined this so many times, but the reality far exceeded his expectations. She was here, with him - soft and strong, loving and forgiving. And all the pain and fear faded away in her embrace.
"I love you, too, Hermione." She smiled while more tears filled her eyes.
"We're a mess," she laughed.
"Yeah. In a lot of ways…but I don't care. Do you?"
"No. Not as long as we can be a mess together."
Harry smiled and leaned in again to kiss her.