A/N - okay, well, this chapter happened a bit sooner than anticipated, but it felt right and I've had a hell of a week and needed this. And yay for being early!! An operation and spending a week at home recuperating has its silver lining!! Thank you once again for your reviews, they're brill. Enjoy.
Chapter 15 - Power and the Powerful
For what seemed like the millionth time, Harry lay wide awake in the early hours of the morning. Ron obviously wasn't having the same trouble sleeping as the steady rumble of snores continued to be omitted from the other bed. Harry, however, knew sleep was a long way away for him and with a heavy sigh, he got out of bed, grabbed his robe and made his way down to the common area.
March had arguably been one of the worse months of Harry's life as he dealt with the aftermath the deaths of Hermione's parents and the acquisition of the final Horcrux.
Voldemort had been incensed when he had realised what had been taken from Malfoy Manor - the Grangers being the first to feel his fury. He had then checked his other Horcruxes and realised that they too, had been taken. Many died and suffered as Voldemort released his anger - but they were just names in the Daily Prophet to Harry. He knew Mr and Mrs Granger, he had liked them but more importantly, they were the parents of his best friend.
Hermione hadn't been allowed to go the funerals as it was felt too dangerous - which turned out to be a fair assumption as there had been a further attack where some of the mourners died as they were paying their respects. This news seemed to cause Hermione to retreat even more into herself as the once confident girl that Harry knew was now only a shadow.
For Harry the bone-chilling message on the wall made his skin clammy by just thinking of it. The end was coming. In one way or another, that was the truth. They had the Horcruxes now with destroying them being the last barrier. Once they were gone, the battle for his life will begin. Harry was scared, more scared than he would ever admit to anyone. He had been learning all he could from the teachers at Hogwarts, testing his skills out time and time again - and they still seemed to fall short. He really had no idea how he was going to beat Voldemort.
And then there was Hermione. It had been three months now since he finally admitted to himself that he fancied her, and two months since he had told her that she was only just a friend. But as he watched her struggle with her loss on her own, shutting both him and Ron out of her life, he knew that he couldn't keep up the lie for much longer. She was more to him now - so much more that it scared him, and he wanted to be there for her so badly. The trouble was, he didn't know how to do it, how to take back the lie he told so she would let him in and help her live again.
Ron was hurting from her exclusion of him in her struggle as she instead turned to Luna for comfort and made the Ravenclaw swear to secrecy. So Ron relented in his attitude to Harry and together they discussed how they could help their friend. But it was all just talk as everything they tried to help Hermione didn't work. Ron had Luna to talk to, to help him feel better - Harry had no-one.
And so he didn't sleep.
Thinking about his potions essay that was waiting for him on the table, Harry didn't notice Hermione until he was nearly all the way down the stairs. His footsteps must had startled her as she stood up with a fright and faced him, giving Harry a bit of a fright as well.
"Harry!" she exclaimed, "what're you doing up?"
"Couldn't sleep," he replied, "which I'm guessing you couldn't do either."
"No. No I couldn't sleep." Harry continued to walk to her, thinking that this may be his chance, she might finally let him talk to her. But as he got closer, he saw she had been crying which was confirmed when she wiped a stray tear from her face.
"Do…do you want to be alone Hermione," he ventured, stopping in his tracks, "I can go back upstairs…"
"No, please stay," she insisted somewhat nervously, "I…I don't want to be alone." She sat back down in her favourite spot on the couch while Harry made his way to his chair opposite her. Crookshanks was curled up next to her and eyed Harry suspiciously before readjusting himself into a tighter ball and going back to sleep. He looked at Hermione and frowned - she had large bags under her blood-shot eyes while her face was definitely more hollow and pale. She hadn't been joining them for meals but Luna and Ginny were making sure she ate something, which obviously was not enough.
"Hermione, you look terrible," Harry observed outloud without really thinking then blushed furiously when he realised what he had just said.
"Thanks Harry," she replied with a wry smile, "you don't look that great either."
"It…it's been a bad month."
"Tell me about it." Silence.
"This really smart girl I know," Harry began tentatively, "well, whenever anything bad happened to me, she would try and get me to talk about it. She seemed to think it would help."
"Did you ever listen to her?" Hermione asked, still smiling.
"No, not really," Harry admitted, "but I should have." He paused as he watched her think it over. Of course he was talking about her and all the times she had tried to get him to talk about Dumbledore, Sirius, or Cedric or even just the Dursleys. The smile died on her face and was replaced by tears, though she was fighting hard not to let them fall. Harry waited.
"What ever happened in my life," she began, her voice barely above a whisper, "what ever choices I made, I always knew there were at least two people in this world that loved me. And now there isn't. Now I'm alone - I have no-one."
"Hermione, you're not alone," Harry stated earnestly as he made his way to where she was sitting, perching himself on the coffee table in front of her, "you have us, Ron and I…"
"Right," she said almost sadly, not looking Harry in the eye, "I have you and Ron."
"You make that sound like our friendship isn't enough." Hermione's head shot up at his words before getting off the couch and turning away from him, "Hermione?" he questioned.
"That's because it isn't enough Harry," she proclaimed quietly, "I want more. I need more from you." Her words hung in the air as Harry tried to get himself together but Hermione took his silence badly, "but it's okay," she continued on, looking back at him with tears in her eyes, "I know you don't feel the same way, that you can only be friends with me, I understand that. And I don't want to loose you or make you feel uncomfortable or anything. It's just that…"
"I lied."
"What?"
"I lied," Harry repeated, standing up and going to where she was, "at Dowrgi, when I said I couldn't be more than just friends with you I was lying…"
"Lying?" she said, a flicker of anger replacing her tears, "you lied to me?"
"Hermione, I thought it was for the best, I really did," Harry tried to explain feeling very, very flustered, "you deserve more than what I have to give you. You deserve someone with a future…"
"How dare you decide what I deserve, what's right for me!" she spat, advancing on him, "these last few months have hell for me Harry! I've gone over and over in my head why you wouldn't want me, what was wrong with me! I thought we had got over the 'I'm putting you in danger' rubbish…"
"But I am!" Harry shouted back at her, "if it wasn't for me, your parents…"
"You didn't kill my parents Harry!" she retorted, her face inches from his, "and although it has taken me a while to realise it but I didn't kill them either - Voldemort did!"
"Because of me!" he shot back, turning his back on her, deflating somewhat, "because you know me, you're close to me. He used them to get to me…"
"I don't blame you…"
"You should." Silence.
"Harry," Hermione's voice was quiet once more, "why did you tell me you lied? Why now?"
"Because I want to help you get through this," Harry whispered, bowing his head, "I wanted you to know that you weren't alone."
"Not because you feel guilty?"
Harry didn't reply, just hung his head lower. Part of him did feel guilty - that was obvious - and the whole confession thing hadn't gone quite how he thought it would (there was a lot more shouting than he had imagined). But he also meant what he said, he had wanted to help her.
"Harry, look at me," she said softly, taking his hand in hers and pulling him around so they were face to face. He took a deep breath and then looked into her eyes.
"Your…your father told me you liked me," he began, shyly, "at New Years. I told him I had nothing positive to give to you, and he said you wouldn't care. Then Ron tried to make me admit that I liked you - but I wouldn't. Trouble was, even though I didn't want to admit it to anyone, even myself, I did like you Hermione, I liked you a lot. We fit, you and me…I…I can't imagine my life without you in it…"
Harry paused as two large tears ran down Hermione's face, though her gaze never wavered from his own. Gently, he used his thumb and wiped away the wetness, causing a little smile to cross her face.
"The trouble is," he continued, "I didn't want to hurt you, even more than what I had done, because when this is all over, I probably won't be here for you. Plus, I was being selfish - just being with you now, I forget. It's like with Ginny but twenty times more. Everything with you is so…normal, so relaxed. I…I knew that if I let myself take that to the next level, let myself be happy with you, I'd forget what I am meant to do."
"So you were prepared to give up your happiness…"
"Hermione, until this is over, until Voldemort is finally gone for good, I can't afford to be happy…"
"Now, that's just silly," Hermione admonished, "because you can do both Harry."
"No, I can't," Harry tried to explain, moving away from her slightly, "I can't because every time I let someone in, think that they can make my life better they die! I can't, I won't let that happen to you!"
"Do you think pushing me away is making me love you less?" she asked, closing the gap between them once more.
"L…love?"
"Oh Harry," Hermione sighed, "you are the most important person in my life, of course I love you."
"You can't," he whispered, "you can't. Everyone who loves me dies…"
"I can't stop loving you now."
Harry was torn - part of him wanted to run into the Great Hall in the middle of dinner and shout from the rafters that Hermione Granger loves him, that there was someone in this world that loved him! But another, larger part was telling him she didn't mean what she said, that he wasn't worthy of her love, of anyone's love, that it was a mistake. Even Ginny, who had been pinning after him for years, never mentioned anything about love during their time together. But Hermione wasn't Ginny and what he had with Hermione was a lot deeper than anything he had with Ginny.
Hermione loved him. People that loved him died.
"You can't love me Hermione," he finally said, stepping away from her once more, "you have it wrong. You deserve someone better than me, someone with a future…"
"You can turn your back on me," she replied quietly, "you can push me away, do things that you think will turn me away from you but it won't work. I know, I've tried doing it myself. I tried pretending that I could have feelings for someone else, that I didn't need you - after the Ministry of Magic, I was so scared that I was going to loose you that I decided to try and make things work with Ron. What a disaster that was.
"And I supported your relationship with Ginny, I gave her advice and listened to her carry on about how wonderful you was, and how great you kissed trying desperately to ignore the pain in my heart.
"But this year, since the summer at the Dursleys, something changed. You changed. You seemed to look at me as a girl and not just your friend. That's why I thought I'd ask - everyone said I should, that you'd say you'd like me back. When you didn't, it hurt, it really did. The silly thing was, it didn't matter. I can't turn my back on you just like I can't stop breathing.
"I can't stop loving you Harry, and now I know you like me. Whatever decision you make now, here in front of me, I'll accept because it won't change anything. I will still love you and be there for you, fighting by your side. And I believe that you will win. My parents are dead because of an evil that you are destined to face and I will not let him take away another person that I love."
Harry looked at her and saw the stubborn clench in her jaw that told him she would not change her mind. She still looked way too thin, but there was a healthy flush in her cheeks now and a spark that set her eyes alight. She was beautiful in her defiance.
But he had to make a choice - ignore the longing he had to be close to her, turn her away although their true feelings for each other has been exposed. Or let himself enjoy the few months of happiness he knew this relationship, if he let happen, would give him.
He had made his decision. With his heart beating so fast he was sure it would explode, he took the few steps it took to be close to her and without a word, he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently on the lips.
Harry could sense she was taken by surprise, but soon her hands were on his waist, drawing her body closer to his, but not quite touching. Meanwhile, their kiss had grown more heated and the need to feel her - all of her - was over-riding every other thought in Harry's brain. His hands were suddenly tangled in her hair as he helped her move backwards, towards the wall, where she stopped and let her self be flattened by him as she began to caress his back.
How her hands had managed to find their way to the bare skin up his spine, Harry didn't know and didn't particularly care. He was feeling sensations he had never felt before - and they were great. It took him a few moments to notice her hands were now on his chest and that instead of caressing him, they were pushing him away. When she broke the kiss, he looked at her in surprise.
"Wow," she breathed, her voice soft and husky.
"Yeah, wow," he replied, aware of her hands on his chest and his hands now resting on her shoulders while their foreheads touched ever so gently.
"That…was…er…amazing," she continued, blushing. Harry brushed a stray hair from her face and helped it behind her ear.
"Like nothing I've ever experienced before," he added, feeling a blush of his own touching his cheeks. Awkwardly, he stepped back from her, removing her hands from his chest and holding them.
"It definitely wasn't like kissing my uncle," Hermione commented with a smile.
"No," was all Harry could think of saying. Slowly, thought returned to his brain and he realised what had just taken place. He had just kissed Hermione and it was amazing, better than all the snogging sessions he had with Ginny, better a million fold than the kiss with Cho. He had just kissed Hermione. Harry took another step away.
"Harry? Are you alright?"
He tried to think - was he alright? He had just kissed his best friend, who had confessed she loved him, and it had felt incredible! But that meant everything had changed, everything was different now. Hermione was no longer just his best friend.
"I don't know what I can give you Hermione," Harry said finally, his voice thick with emotion, "I don't know what I can promise you. If this, you and me, is going to happen, you have to keep me on track because if you keep kissing me like that, I'm going to forget all about Voldemort…"
"I don't want anything from you," Hermione replied, slipping her hands around his waist, "other than just you. And I don't think I'll have any problem keeping you on track."
"Doesn't this feel weird to you at all?" Harry asked as he pulled her closer, "I mean, we've been friends for so long - doesn't it feel strange to suddenly be this close?"
"No, why? Does it feel weird to you?"
"No," Harry said with a smile, kissing her once more to accentuate the point, "and that's the weird thing. This feels the most natural thing in the world to be doing."
"I…I'm glad," she tried to smile, but it died on her face.
"Hermione, what is it?" Harry asked, suddenly worried.
"It feels wrong," she began, her eyes welling with tears, "to be this happy when…when I should still be feeling…"
"Your parents?" Harry finished for her - she nodded, "do you want to talk about it?"
"I'd like that," she said sadly.
So that's what they did - they talked, about everything and anything. Harry didn't know what time it was when they both finally fell asleep but they had been talking for hours. He had thought he knew Hermione so well that they'd have nothing really to say to each other any more, he now realised he was wrong. And he was enjoying learning more about her.
Like how her parents bought her a witches fancy dress costume after she got her acceptance letter to Hogwarts. Or like how she had no friends at her school because they all thought she was weird, enjoying books rather than talking about boys. Or how every year for her birthday, before she came to Hogwarts anyway, her mum and dad took her to Royal Botanical Gardens Kew Library and Archive as that was her favourite place in the world.
He could tell it was therapeutic to talk about the good times she had had with her parents and although there had been tears, they had been a release for her and seemed to make the darkness she had been carrying around with her since their death lighter.
So it had been with a smile that Harry had fallen asleep with Hermione curled up in his arms. When he woke, it was daylight and the crink in his neck told him his head had been uncomfortably turned to the side, resting on Hermione's head. His smile grew as he saw the still sleeping Hermione with her head resting on his chest, her arms casually on his stomach while his arm lay around her shoulders. Besides the stiffness in his neck, it was a fantastic way to wake up.
"Hem, hem."
In an instant, Harry was wide awake only to sit upright and see a very amused Ron sitting opposite them, grinning broadly.
"Ron," Harry growled, "I really wish you wouldn't do that."
"Why not?" Ron laughed, "it's so much fun! Good morning you two."
Hermione, awoken by Harry's sudden movement, untangled herself and then stretched luxuriously as if waking up curled on Harry's chest was nothing extra-ordinary.
"Morning Ron," she said calmly, continuing her stretch.
"Morning Hermione," Ron grinned back, "is there something you'd like to share?"
"Not really," she replied before looking at a very surprised Harry, "hey Harry," she carried on, somewhat shyly.
"Morning Hermione…" Harry began, a blush touching his face before Hermione let out a small shriek and stood up abruptly.
"Oh no," she cried, grabbing Harry's arm and looking at his watch, "what time is it?"
"Just past nine," Ron answered, still smirking, "you guys really slept in…"
"Past nine!" Hermione shrieked, dashing for the stairs, "I said I'd meet Luna at nine, and I'm late!"
Harry watched with a dazed expression as Hermione ran up the stairs and into her dorm, not turning back to Ron until he heard her door close. Ron was watching him intently, his smirk still covering his face.
"What?" Harry questioned, hoping his friend was going to let things go - knowing, however, that that really wasn't going to happen.
"Hermione seems to be in a very good mood this morning," Ron stated, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms, "much better than she has been for quite a while. Would her improved condition have anything to do with her sleeping arrangements last night?"
"Maybe," Harry replied cagily, "we had a long talk last night…"
"Talk?"
"Yes, talk Ron," Harry stressed, frowning, "we talked about a lot of things, including her parents. I think its helped…"
"So all you two did was talk," Ron tried to confirm, "nothing else?" Harry felt himself squirm, not sure whether he should lie or not.
"Well, we did kiss once or twice…" he ventured uncertainly.
"I knew it," Ron replied confidently, stretching his long legs out under the table and putting his hands behind his head, "and you told her the truth about how you felt?"
"Yes."
"Did she tell you how she felt about you?"
"Y…yes."
"Excellent," Ron grinned, "about bloody time. You two were making me mental with your little 'I like her but I'm not going to tell her' game."
"This comes from a bloke who liked her for years and never said a thing," Harry bit back sarcastically.
"That was different," Ron proclaimed before sitting forward with a gleam in his eye, "so, what was it like? Kissing Hermione? It must be better than when I kissed her - she didn't want to sleep with me…"
"We only talked!" Harry exclaimed profusely, a definite blush tinting his face. But Harry didn't get a chance to enhance his declaration of innocence as Hermione bustled down the stairs newly showered and changed. Harry stood awkwardly up, feeling guilty even though he knew they did no more than kiss.
"You boys have fun with Mad Eye at training," she said briskly as she passed them, "Luna and I are very close with finishing the translation. Oh, she is going to be mad at me! I had such a go at her last time when she was late!"
Hermione made it to the door before stopping and turning back to where Harry and Ron were - Harry standing feeling very embarrassed while Ron remained lounging in his chair with his contented smirk still covering his face. Harry watched in a daze as Hermione walked back over to where he was, put her hands on his shoulders to balance herself as she stood tippy-toe, and kissed him lightly on the mouth.
"Thank you for an amazing night Harry," she breathed before turning on her heel and leaving the room.
Harry stared blankly at the place she was, unconsciously feeling the spot on his lips where hers just was with the tips of his fingers, only Ron's hysterical laughter breaking him out of his reverie.
"Oh mate," Ron spluttered out as he stood and slapped a friendly hand on Harry's shoulder, "you are in so much trouble."
Which proved to be the case as Harry wasn't able to concentrate throughout the training session he had with Mad Eye Moody, much to the old Auror's displeasure. Ron, however, was excelling in everything fired his way. By lunchtime Moody's constant reminders of Harry's faults were starting to grate and when Hermione didn't show for lunch, Harry went back into training with a lot more aggression and focus.
The lack of sleep from the night before (and the many sleepless nights since the Granger's deaths) began to take its toll and Harry started to welt. When Remus interrupted them in the late afternoon, Harry was more than a little relieved.
Remus walked briskly to McGonagall's office and didn't speak - his face lined with concentration and worry. Harry and Ron jogged slightly to keep up, exchanging concerned looks.
The headmistress's office was full as Hermione, Luna and Professor McGonagall herself were already there. Harry looked immediately to Hermione who smiled back. He couldn't help but think how pretty she looked.
"We all seem to be here Miss Granger," McGonagall started, "you and Miss Lovegood have something to tell us?"
"Yes," Hermione answered excitedly, putting a pile of parchment down on the headmistress's desk, "we've finished the translation…"
"Isn't this a bit early?" Ron questioned, "I thought you said it wouldn't be done until Easter."
"I know," Hermione carried on, her face flushed with accomplishment, "but, well, I had to keep my mind off things lately and Luna didn't mind spending extra time with me doing this. We finished it this afternoon. We know how to destroy the Horcruxes."
The room was silent as they all remembered the reason Hermione had wanted to keep busy and Harry found himself once more thinking about Mr and Mrs Granger. He looked over at her and she was steadfastly staring at the parchments, not wanting to catch anyone's eye. Harry wanted to go over to her, to give her support and realised he should! Leaving his place by Ron's side, he walked over to where she was standing and put his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it slightly in comfort. She looked up at him and he could see the gratitude in her eyes.
"So, what does the guide say, Miss Granger?" The question came from an interested Albus Dumbledore, his portrait standing and looking out at them expectantly.
"They have to be destroyed by someone pure of heart…" Hermione paused as Ron let out a hearty snigger.
"Something the problem, Mr Weasley?" McGonagall asked, not sounding a bit amused.
"Nothing Professor," Ron answered quickly, trying desperately not to smile as Harry threw him a furious glare, "it's just that, when Harry destroyed the diary, he was twelve and extremely pure. And, well, you won't find many seventeen year old boys who are 'pure of heart' any more. It was just a thought."
"I supposed it depends on the definition of 'pure of heart'," Albus mused, "it explains why the ring deadened my arm - after a long life, it was very difficult to remain innocent!"
"Albus, really," McGonagall admonished with a flush, "there are children present!"
"Minerva, as Mr Weasley has just pointed out to us, the three young people here are no longer children," Dumbledore said fondly, "I must say though, I had devoted myself to teaching and this school, leaving very little time for the pleasantries of life, especially when it came to the fairer sex - the destruction of my hand may have been the price for the impurities I had had to administer to achieve the larger goal…"
"Like lying and keeping things from me, you mean," Harry interrupted harshly.
"Yes, like lying and keeping things from you Harry," Dumbledore confirmed sadly.
"So you're telling me," Harry continued, leaving Hermione and making his way to the picture, "that you have been preaching love is the answer to everything, to beating Voldemort and you've never even had a girlfriend? Ever?"
"Just because I hadn't courted a young lady for many a year Harry," Dumbledore continued, the familiar twinkle in his eye, "doesn't mean I haven't experienced the power of love. I have loved, been loved and been in love. Admittedly, the young lady in question was only fourteen when I confessed my undying admiration for her - I being the mature age of fifteen - but I still experienced the joy of knowing there was someone who made my heart shine."
Without thinking, Harry glanced at Hermione who gave him a shy smile.
"Is there a reason we should look for someone else to destroy the Horcruxes Harry," Remus asked with a grin.
"What? Why? What do you mean?" Harry spluttered, looking over at his old professor who, along with Ron, was grinning back at him.
"Well, how can I put this," Remus continued, "um, has your 'status' changed?"
"Status?" Harry repeated, really confused.
"Have you ever had…"
"Remus Lupin, you stop right there!" Professor McGonagall interrupted sharply, standing and glowering over at the smirking Remus and Ron, "I will not have this kind of discussion in this forum! Poor Mr Potter and Miss Granger have been humiliated enough thank you. Let's get this conversation back on track. Now, Miss Granger - continue."
As the headmistress settled back down in her chair and regained her composure, Harry finally realised what Remus and Ron had been getting at - and with a furious glare, he made his way back to where a very red Hermione was standing stock still. The two other men in the room had the courtesy to look abashed as Dumbledore spoke once more from his place on the wall.
"Perhaps it's time for the talk that all young men get from their fathers, or in this case, their father's best friend…"
"That's enough Albus," McGonagall snapped before turning her attention back to Hermione, "please, Miss Granger, if you could continue."
"Um, well, as well as stating the destroyer has to be pure of heart," Hermione said, finally looking back up at the others in the room, "it states there has to be a connection with the soul inside the Horcrux - either a relative, teacher, colleague or…"
"…someone like Harry," Ron finished, "you can't get more connected than you the dark one."
"Right, Harry fits the criteria," Hermione agreed.
"Plus, Harry is the only one powerful enough to do the release spell," Luna added.
"Powerful?" Harry questioned, "the counter-spell requires power? But I haven't got power! I'm barely of age!"
"Harry does have a point," McGonagall said thoughtfully.
"Harry has more power than anyone else in this room Minerva," Dumbledore corrected, "you know that."
"I agree." Harry looked at Hermione in surprise as she uttered those two words.
"Hermione, I have…"
"You could do a full Patronus when you were thirteen, have fought Voldemort too many times to mention, you've saved lives, side Apparated Professor Dumbledore before even passing your test," she took his hands in hers and stared him directly, "you are the most powerful wizard in this room, Harry. There is a spell that splits the soul from the object where the soul is vulnerable to destruction. You can do this."
"What are the dangers?" he asked finally, taking a deep breath.
"That the soul escapes before it's destroyed," Luna answered for Hermione, "that it possesses a body, though it can't enter the person doing the counter charm."
"So I need to do it alone," Harry thought out loud, his eyes never leaving Hermione.
"You will never be alone Harry," she whispered so quietly that only he could hear her and ignoring the fact that he was in a room of people that he wouldn't usually show emotion in front of, he drew Hermione into a hug and clung to her like he'd never let her go.