Disclaimer: JKR owns all, still. (Unfortunately…)
Author's Note: The sequel to my angst-fic, "Loved I Not Honor More"- which you should probably read before you read this as otherwise it won't make much sense, although it's not strictly necessary.
I borrowed a few lines from Lori's ever-so-wonderful, "Crossing the Line" and also drew some inspiration from her AU angst-fic, "Gettysburg".
For Goldy, oh_honestleigh, and avidbeader.
What Once Was Lost
There was a knock on his door.
For anyone else, it wouldn't be such a momentous event but not for Harry Potter, living alone in his cabin up in the mountains. He hadn't particularly tried to get to know any of his neighbors (it didn't help that his nearest neighbors were about a 10 minute hike away) and he'd never been particularly sociable in his occasional visits into the nearest town for groceries and other necessities. He lived a solitary life-and while he wouldn't say he was happy, he rather preferred a solitary life to the everyday questions about his past and where he was from (and how it was he could afford to live alone with no job) which would naturally come from getting to know the Muggles around him.
He started up out of his chair, tensing automatically. He knew that whoever was outside didn't intend any harm, thanks to the wards he had set up (more from the force of habit than from suspecting any threat.) But who could possibly be here?
He opened his door and then stared, for a moment convinced he was hallucinating, that his (all too frequent) imaginings of her had made her materialize out of his fantasies, as it were. He stopped breathing, was convinced the world and time simply stopped too.
It couldn't be…
And then she spoke. "Can I come in?" she asked, with a twitch of her lips that tried to become a smile but never quite made it.
He moved back out of the doorway to let her in silently, still not quite convinced that she was real and here and he wasn't having some very odd dream.
She stepped in, closing the door behind her and for the first time, he realized she had a suitcase with her.
His heart was beginning to pound until he was nearly dizzy as he continued to stare at her.
He saw her glance around quickly, curiously, as if she wanted to see how he lived-saw her gaze pause, as her eyes widened slightly, on the one personal picture he had on display-taken during their 6th year of him in between Ron and her, all of them grinning happily.
She was there; she was there; she was really there, standing just a few feet away from him… She was there-looking much as he remembered her. She hadn't changed, he thought with an odd feeling of surprise, looked the same. She was still the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.
Marriage hadn't changed her-the word twisted in his mind and cut through his shock.
He had so many things to say, so many questions to ask, questions tumbling over each other in his mind in confused eagerness to know. But what he finally said was the most inane question of all.
"How did you find me?"
It was a silly question, he thought, valid though it was-but somehow, it managed to break the spell of awkwardness and unreality of the situation.
She smiled, slightly. "Did you honestly think I couldn't find you if I really wanted to?"
He blinked and then answered with a small, self-deprecating smile, "No, I guess not. You weren't the cleverest witch of our year for nothing." In some part of him, he was amazed at how very-normal-his voice and his words sounded.
"It wasn't that hard. I guessed that you'd have told Remus where you were; I knew you would have told him, kept in contact with him, just in case, even when you didn't tell anyone else. So I went to him and he told me."
"Oh."
It was surreal how-normal-their words had sounded. They might almost have been talking casually, as if it hadn't been more than five years since he'd seen her, more than five years since they had really talked… As if he hadn't bared his heart and soul to her the last time he'd really talked to her-as if he hadn't missed her like he would miss a part of himself, hadn't longed for her every day of the past five, nearly six, years since he'd left her…
His eyes met hers as their smiles faded and he saw the same love, the same emotion, in her eyes and took an involuntary step forward before he remembered and stopped himself mid-stride.
His throat seemed to have closed up from the tension inside him. "Ron?" was all he could ask, his voice sounding almost strangled.
In answer, she held up her left hand without a word. There was no ring on it.
Oh my God… He sucked in his breath sharply, his eyes growing wide in his suddenly pale face. But there was one more thing he needed to ask.
"Is- is he okay?" he rasped. He knew he didn't have to say Ron's name, knew he didn't have to explain what he meant in asking. He needed to know that Ron wasn't hurt-wasn't going to be harmed in some way.
"Yes," was all she said simply.
There was so much more to be explained, so much more he wanted to know-everything of what had happened after he left and why she had come here, now-but they would wait.
For now, all he needed to see was the truth in her eyes, the- the freedom in them-and he knew that, no matter how it had happened, no law of man, no duty, no rule of friendship or honor, stood between them now.
He closed the distance between them in two long strides, pulling her into his arms as they closed around her with stunning force, a sound like a strangled groan escaping him. His hands roamed greedily from her shoulders and down over her back, as if trying to assure himself that she was real and she wouldn't suddenly disappear. He buried his face in her hair, breathing in deeply of the scent of her-lavender and the hint of old books-which he still remembered so well.
His hands slid into her hair as he moved his head back to brush his lips across her face in quick, fleeting kisses, on her forehead, the tip of her eyebrows, her eyelids, her nose, the little hollow on her cheek right before her ear, the corners of her lips, learning her face with his lips… "Hermione, Hermione," he murmured against her skin, "tell me you're really here."
She smiled softly and said, "I'm here-and I'm yours."
And as if the sound of those words had finally broken through his incredulity, his hands cupped her face and his lips finally found hers.
She'd rather been expecting that this first kiss would be a passionate one but it wasn't. His lips were soft, undemanding, as they moved over hers. There was still some uncertainty as if he couldn't quite believe that she was real, his tongue exploring her mouth, savoring the never-forgotten and long-remembered taste of her…
When the kiss ended, he rested his forehead against hers, his eyes closed. "I missed you so much," he finally said, quietly.
"I missed you too." She tightened her arms around him in another hug, holding on to him.
He kissed her forehead and they both moved to sit next to each other on the couch, Hermione fitting herself snugly in beside him and within the circle of his arms, her head resting on his shoulder.
"What happened?" Harry asked softly, after a few minutes of silence. He didn't need to specify that what he meant was what had happened between Ron and Hermione, what had happened to bring her here.
She sighed. "Nothing-everything. We just-grew apart, I think. We were happy at first. He was so sweet and he cared so much and I did love him. We were happy…" She paused and then continued, thoughtfully. "I think it started when Arthur Weasley became Minister of Magic. You know I'd been planning to get legislation passed to increase rights for house elves, werewolves, centaurs and other magical creatures. With Mr. Weasley as Minister and sympathetic to the cause, my chance had come. I worked every spare minute I had with Remus, with Dobby, with Mr. Weasley and a few other people to get the Magical Creatures Equality Act passed."
She paused again and he spoke up. "I heard about it when it happened. Remus mentioned it. I was so proud of you then, love. I knew if anyone could do it, you could."
She smiled slightly and kissed him quickly. "But the thing was that I was so busy during those months. I had the legislation to push through along with my usual work and research for St. Mungo's. I hardly saw Ron at all. I hoped things would go back to normal once the bill passed but then it was right before the Quidditch season began and Ron was away for practice every day. So again we hardly saw each other. Then there was an epidemic of dragons-fever so I wasn't home. Eventually it just got to be like we were living separate lives, seeing each other just a few times a week at dinner. It- it was no one's fault and it wasn't anything dramatic. It just happened and we started acting more like-well, best friends than husband and wife."
A humorless, rather ironic smile crossed her face fleetingly. "The odd thing is, the main sign that told me our relationship had changed so much and gotten to be more like room-mates and friends is that we started bickering again. You know we'd stopped that for the most part after we started dating-but now it started again, somehow. When we were together, we found we didn't have much to talk about and when we did talk it usually was either very stilted and awkward or it became more like the way we used to bicker over everything. And we both hated it but weren't sure how to stop it. So we spent even less time together than we could have, to avoid the awkwardness."
Harry sighed and brushed his lips against her hair but didn't say anything.
She continued on, more quietly. "I don't know if anything would have happened but then Ron met Luna again at some Cannons event that I couldn't go to."
"Luna? As in Lovegood?"
"Yes. She's taken over at the Quibbler you know and she took it into her head that it was a curse from a Glumbumble-don't ask what that is-which had kept the Cannons from winning for so long and wrote a story about it. Anyway, Ron saw her and somehow they kept on running into each other by accident and then at nearly every Cannons match because Luna went to most of them. They started talking often and, well, Ron fell in love with her."
Harry stiffened. "He cheated on you?"
"No!" she answered quickly and emphatically. "No, he didn't," she repeated more quietly. "He told me he didn't, that he kissed her once-by accident, really-but she stopped him and refused to see him after that. He told me everything that happened and I trust him. He- he felt so terrible about it. He was nearly crying when he said he thought we should get a divorce…"
Her voice trailed off and she was silent for a long moment. "I think it's one of the first times when I've failed at something I really wanted to succeed at." Her voice was quiet, a small thread of hurt in it.
He sighed and for a moment, could almost wish that Ron and Hermione were still happy together, if only to banish the pain in Hermione's voice. He brushed a kiss against her forehead but didn't say anything. After all, what could he say? He was-happy-to have Hermione with him, but he hated the idea of what Ron and Hermione had had to go through to get to this point.
"He came to see me a couple months ago just after the divorce went through. We talked-and then just before he left he said, asked really, 'You're still my best friend. Right?' And I told him, 'We'll always be best friends.'"
We'll always be best friends. The words struck at Harry's heart as he thought about Ron, thought about Hermione, thought about what he had given up for Ron's sake. "I miss him, you know," he said quietly. And he had missed Ron. For all his occasional bouts of jealousy when he'd felt he could almost hate Ron for being the one to have Hermione, to get to see her every day, he had missed Ron too. He had missed the teasing, the laughter-the friendship. There had been so many times he had just missed the Trio and the simple, perfect friendship that had always existed between the three of them-enough that he had sometimes thought of returning to England after all, if only so he could still have the friendship.
"I know," she said quietly and then tucked her head in under his chin as she shifted closer to him.
He tightened his arms around her, reflecting that somehow, those two words seemed to summarize his and Hermione's relationship in some ways. She did know-somehow; she always had…
They sat there like that, snuggled together, for hours, not talking. There was no need for words between them; the important explanations had been said and everything else, they both simply knew.
They didn't talk then and they didn't talk when, finally, they got up and slowly walked, hand-in-hand, towards his bedroom.
He hesitated at the door and broke the silence between them for the first time. "Uh- I- that is- I can sleep on the couch if- if-"
She cut him off with her lips, kissing him deeply, letting her tongue explore his mouth, rub sensuously against his tongue. When she pulled back, he blinked, his lips still parted, staring as if he'd quite forgotten what he'd been about to say, which was in fact the case.
She smiled slightly. "If you think I came all the way out here to sleep alone, you must be mental."
"Well, Ron always did say…" he began half-teasingly, before trailing off, as he kissed her again-and they both promptly lost any interest at all in whatever it was Ron had always said.
His arms went around her, roaming hungrily over her shoulders and back and down to her hips, as they stumbled backwards into his room.
They kissed with all the passion and need and desperation with which they hadn't kissed before, their hands, lips, tongues greedy, touching each other as if to reassure themselves of the reality of it.
They finally broke apart to gasp for breath, both of them flushed. He lifted one hand to touch her cheek lightly, thinking that the sight of Hermione's face when she was aroused was worth the entire universe and more.
"I- I want to see you," he said quietly.
She smiled, slowly, into his eyes, and then deliberately began to unbutton her blouse and then step out of her trousers.
He pulled his jumper off, beginning to take off his trousers when he stopped, his hand still on the button of his trousers, to take in the sight of her in only her bra and knickers.
Holy Merlin…
She was-she was-beyond beautiful. Definitely the sexiest thing he had ever seen or ever hoped to see… She was-everything he had ever wanted…
Hermione smiled, feeling herself blush in spite of herself, at having Harry stare at her, the heat of his gaze sending a jolt of heat and arousal through her body and straight down to her knickers. He looked at her the way every woman dreamed of being looked at one day, looked at her as if she were a goddess, as desirable as Aphrodite.
She unfastened the clasp of her bra, stepping out her knickers-until she was completely bared to his fascinated and aroused gaze.
He still hadn't moved, looked as if he'd momentarily lost the capacity of movement, so she stepped closer to him, until her breasts pressed against his bare chest.
She kissed him, her tongue delving into his mouth to rub in a deliberately titillating manner against his tongue as her hands went down to his trousers, opening them and pushing them and his boxers down as she wrapped her hand around him.
He let out a guttural groan, his hips thrusting forward automatically as his head fell back.
At first she kept her touch light, almost playful, as she traced the hot, hard length of him with her fingers and then she wrapped her hand around him, stroking him slowly.
Harry wondered if it was possible to go insane from pleasure as he felt her hands on him. God, she was driving him crazy, touching him like this…
She stopped, her hand no longer touching him, and he opened his eyes, a small sound of protest escaping his lips that turned into a groan as she went down on her knees and took him into her mouth.
Hermione had never initiated oral sex before, had always needed to be asked or begged-but not now, not with Harry. With him, somehow, she felt confident, comfortable, enough to give him this pleasure-she wanted to give him this pleasure. Wanted to experience everything with him.
Oh God.
It must be possible to go insane from sheer arousal, he decided, and he was more than half-way there.
Her mouth-dear God, her mouth on him, around him, the hot, wet warmth of her… It was torture; it was heaven; it was agony; it was ecstasy…
He could feel himself on the edge of exploding and managed to summon up the coherence to gasp, "wait," with a Herculean effort.
She stopped, releasing his length from her mouth, smiling up at him with a glint in her eye he'd never seen before-and he realized with a jolt that it was the smile, the look, of a woman, a woman who knew she was desired and knew her own power. She had changed, matured; this wasn't the Hermione he knew so well. She was a siren, a temptress… This was a side of her he had never seen.
And she was his.
He hastily kicked off his trousers, sending his boxers with them, and this time, it was his turn to kiss her, to touch her.
His tongue explored her mouth leisurely and then more forcefully as his hands wandered at will over her naked back and down to her butt, her thighs and up again.
Vaguely he was aware of pushing her backwards until they both toppled onto his bed with him landing on top of her, his legs tangled with hers, still kissing.
Her hands slid into his hair, her fingers tangling themselves in his hair, tugging him closer.
He finally released her mouth to trace her jaw-line down to her neck with his lips, pausing to flick his tongue at the hollow of her throat and smiling to himself at her gasp.
He wanted to give her everything, wanted to drive her as mad with arousal and lust and love as she had made him. He wanted to imprint himself on her until she forgot she'd ever been with anyone else. He wanted to lose himself in her. He wanted to touch, kiss, explore every inch of her skin. And as she gasped at his touch, he set out to do just that…
He nuzzled her, kissed her, caressed her with his lips and teeth and tongue until she moaned his name, her hands clutching at his shoulders.
Meanwhile his hands slid up her sides in a slow caress until finally they reached her breasts, cupping them, squeezing them gently, his thumbs flicking over her hardened nipples.
She arched her back, her head falling back, and he smiled against her skin. Yes, this was what making love should be, when her pleasure was his and knowing she was aroused fueled his own lust.
Hermione moaned when his lips finally closed over her nipple, sucking, nipping gently, before moving on to pay equal attention to her other breast and then further down.
My God…
Her hands wandered aimlessly over his shoulders and down to clutch at the sheets in mindless reaction to the pleasure he was evoking in her.
His lips were making their slow, leisurely way down her body, stopping to drop a kiss here, lick there, nip yet another spot, sending jolts of arousal straight down her body to the place between her legs. She'd never known her body had so many erogenous places-but Harry's lips and tongue were finding every one until she thought she might lose her mind from the sensory overload. Every nerve in her body was on fire…
And then his lips were on her, closed over the center of her, and she cried out, her hands fisting in the sheets. His lips and his tongue moved over her wet flesh, licking, sucking, his tongue moving in circles and swirls.
She was close, he could tell. He could sense how close to the edge she was, her breath coming in quick, short gasps as her hips rolled on the bed-and he stopped his ministrations. When he made her come for the first time, he wanted to be inside her, wanted to see her…
He moved back up the bed in one quick, fluid motion and before she had time to catch her breath or wonder at his stopping, he slid inside her in one smooth thrust, kissing her again.
He was home.
She gasped at the feeling of him fully buried inside her, breaking the kiss to stare at him. His eyes met hers and she saw the same emotion she was feeling in his eyes.
He was inside her; they were joined, together, so close she couldn't tell where she ended and he began. He filled her, completed her as if she had been made for this, for him, as if they were half of the same whole… Finally… After so many years, after so much hurt, after thinking they would never, could never, have this…
And all the emotion she felt was expressed in a single word, a single breath. "Harry."
"Hermione," he answered, his tone equally soft, as he lifted one hand to touch her cheek so lightly she could almost think she'd imagined it.
Then he kissed her again, slowly, deeply, and as his tongue thrust in her mouth, he began to move, his hips imitating the action of his tongue.
She met his every thrust, arching into him, her legs wrapping around his of their own volition, welcoming him, her hands on his arse, encouraging him deeper, to move faster.
"Hermione," he said again, her name coming out halfway between a gasp and a groan. The sound was half-swallowed by her mouth as he kissed her again and again and again…
Until he felt her muscles clench around him, her fingers digging into his skin as she came with a cry, her eyes opening at the last moment to meet his gaze.
And in another second, he slid over the edge, exploding inside her, driven to it by sight and sound and feeling of her. He cried out, he gasped, he died, he went straight to heaven…
He collapsed on top of her and Hermione wrapped her arms around him, dropping a kiss on his hair, as she felt her crazily beating heart gradually slow down, felt his heart do the same.
Finally, after several minutes had gone by, he let out a breath that was more like a sigh and with what seemed to take an inordinate amount of effort, lifted his head to look down at her.
He didn't say anything; neither did she. There were no words to be said after the intensity of what they'd just experienced, a bonding that both knew had gone beyond the physical.
She blinked back sudden tears and realized with shock that there were tears in his eyes too, before he brushed his lips against hers.
"I thought we'd never have this," she whispered against his lips.
"I know," he breathed. "Hermione…" And her name was an endearment and a caress and a prayer all at once.
He kissed her again, gently, as he slid out of her, and she felt a fleeting pang of loss which was immediately lessened as he drew her close to him as he rolled over onto his side.
She snuggled close to him, her head resting against his shoulder and her hand holding his.
They lay there in silence, as their breathing slowed down to normal and the sheen of sweat dried off their skin, no words necessary between them, occasionally brushing kisses against the other's skin and hair.
He lifted his free hand to brush her hair away from her face, smiling slightly at how thick and bushy it still was, though less so than it had been when she'd been a girl.
Hermione drifted off to sleep first.
He stayed awake, oddly alert now that the lethargy of fulfillment had left him, slowly moving to prop himself up on one arm and keeping the other arm around her as he simply looked at her.
Drank in the sight of her, lying next to him, naked and satisfied. The sight of her sleeping peacefully, which he had thought he'd never get to see.
Some small corner of his heart was still incredulous and disbelieving, that Hermione could be here, with him. Part of him still couldn't quite believe it; he had resigned himself to never having this, never being able to be with Hermione like this, never see her like this…
And yet here she was.
He knew she couldn't stay long. He guessed that she must have asked for a leave of absence from her work and didn't know how long it was for but he knew it couldn't be long.
They would only have a few days, probably, to stay here, away from the rest of the world, before she would need to return to England and her life there.
Before he would need to return to England and the life, the identity and the fame he had left behind.
He had gotten so used to being a nonentity away out here where no one knew him and no one paid much attention to him, left him alone. Thinking of returning to England and all the inevitable "The Hero Returns" fanfare-to say nothing of Ron's, and everyone else's, reaction and questions when they found out about him and Hermione-was almost enough to make him cringe.
But not for a moment did he consider doing anything else.
Hermione's life was in England-and his life was wherever Hermione was.
He had lived without her for years, had tried-and failed-to stop loving her. He had watched Hermione marry Ron and felt as if someone were reaching inside and ripping out his insides, and then he had walked away, feeling as if he were walking away from part of his soul.
And he knew he could never do it again.
Saying goodbye to her that one time had nearly killed him. Now, when they were finally together, he was going to hold on to her, hold on to their love, with both hands, no matter what else happened.
From this day forward…
He looked down at Hermione's sleeping form and, very lightly so as not to wake her, brushed his lips against her hair.
And then he settled down beside her, closing his eyes, and said, very softly, the words barely more than a breath of sound, "I love you."
~*~*~*~
A/N 2: I hope I managed to convey what I meant to in the way Hermione talked about her divorce. It wasn't that
she didn't love Ron and they did not divorce because of Harry or because of Luna or even because R/Hr just
can't work or anything. It was circumstances- with some measure of fate- all coming together. And I wanted it to be
a blameless divorce where neither of them is at fault. I hope I succeeded.
There is a very short Epilogue to come.