Disclaimer: If you still don't know who Harry Potter and the Potterverse belong to, I've got to ask - where have you been these last several years?
CHAPTER TWELVE:
The former professor and the Auror traded glances, but waited quietly for Hermione to continue.
"What's funny is that it was R-ron who noticed." The girl stammered on the boy's name, but grew steadier as she went on. "Harry broke through your binding spells. Last night he was in my dreams. He was actually there, talking to me. We were never taught how to do that."
Lupin stirred. "They weren't MY binding spells, Hermione. They were Tonks'. Auror-class bindings," he stressed. "As for your dreams, I have heard of a way, similar to Legilemens, but it's difficult magic and access to training is usually restricted to Healers. Harry has been doing very advanced magic ... without using spells and without his wand. We took it away from him the night we got here."
"And you didn't think to mention this to me?" The young witch was torn between anger and hurt. She had trusted them with everything since the night they had rescued her from Harry. Why couldn't they do the same?
Tonks saw the look on her face. "We weren't really hiding this from you," she explained gently. "If you remember, we did mention Harry slipping his bindings once or twice. It's just that we've known very little ourselves." Not to mention, we didn't want to scare you any more than you already were. How frightened Hermione would've been if she'd known how little they could control Harry?
Lupin moved from his position by the door. "It was only after Moody talked to Faveure that we got some clarity." He sat near the girl. How to explain this? "Tonks, let's tell her about the cases."
The Auror nodded. "As soon as I could, I went back to the Ministry. The records were a bit spotty, but eventually there was some mention of wizards who'd taken the Solvamus after it was outlawed. I made copies, and Lupin and I went through them while we were guarding Harry. We began to notice a pattern. Or more accurately, the old Aurors who were assigned to apprehend those wizards did."
In spite of herself, Hermione's curiosity was piqued. "What was it?"
"These wizards were displaying feats of magic no one had thought them capable of before. One wizard who'd barely passed his NEWTs was suddenly doing non-verbal magic. Another who'd never displayed the talent was doing Legilemens as naturally as if he'd been doing it all his life."
"So when Harry slipped his bindings, we weren't surprised," Lupin said, "because we thought it was a side effect of the Solvamus. But Faveure, or at least Faveure's teacher, thought differently. He believed that the Solvamus was created precisely to allow a person to connect to his talent for magic directly, without needing to channel magic through spells or through a wand. The loss of control is incidental. Simply put, it was supposed to be a shortcut. Take it, and you can do advanced magic without mastering the spells."
"But that's impossible!" Hermione protested. "No potion can grant or increase a person's ability to use magic."
"No, of course not," Lupin agreed. "But we're not talking about giving magic to someone who doesn't have it. This is about access to one's," he searched for the right word, "innate talent, if you will. The Solvamus isn't creating anything. After all, we already have the ability within ourselves, with or without wands, potions or spells. But most of the time it's as if our magic is behind a door, and we need wands and charms to unlock it. Think of the Solvamus as another key."
He saw that Hermione was about to argue, and held up his hand. "I don't say I agree with the theory, but magic is in a great part instinctive. Take Harry and yourself. You were both raised by muggles. No one taught you magic - I can't imagine the Dursleys even mentioning the word to Harry - but at a certain point you simply did it."
Reluctantly, she had to admit that. "That's how they discovered me. But what does all this have to do with the Solvamus?"
"As we grow up, we're taught to control ourselves, to erect walls between what we want and what we're expected or allowed to do," the former professor explained. "By the time our magical abilities manifest, that control is so tightly in place that we have to resort to rituals to draw that talent out. The theory behind the Solvamus is, if you can bring those walls down, you can access that power at will. You wouldn't need to a charm or a wand then. The magic would respond to your wishes."
"Remember when Harry, er, blew up his uncle's sister?" Tonks asked, when she saw how doubtful Hermione was. "We think this is like that. He had no spells and no wand then, just anger because the daft woman had insulted his mother."
"The Solvamus was supposed to break down the barrier that prevents wizards from intuitively controlling their magic," Lupin continued. "What better way to unleash instinctive magic than to unleash your instincts?"
"Unfortunately," he grimaced, "the potion doesn't distinguish between magical and emotional controls. It brings everything crashing down. So the Solvamus reduces a person to a creature of instinct, driven by his deepest desire until he achieves it ... or until he can't stand it anymore."
For a moment, Hermione was silent as she tried to absorb everything revealed by the adults. In the end there was only one question that mattered. "What does this mean for Harry?"
"We're not sure," Tonks replied in all honesty. "If Faveure's potion works, Harry will be the first person on record to have survived the Solvamus. But at least he'll be back to normal."
"Oh, not quite normal, I think," Lupin disagreed. "Magic responds to Harry, doesn't it? He's got a feel for it. That's increased because of the Solvamus. I have a feeling that if Harry makes it through this, he won't lose what he's gained in terms of magic."
"You mean ...?"
"If he survives," he said soberly, "I believe Harry can become something none of us have seen in our lifetime - a powerful natural wizard."
=========
By the time the pair left, Hermione felt so drained that she simply sank back into her bed. But she wasn't too tired to think. In fact, her mind was racing.
Something was still ... amiss. She went over what Lupin and Tonks had told her again. It doesn't make sense. If all Harry felt was a crush that he never acted on, why did the Solvamus affect him so forcefully?
Her eyes flew open. Lupin said the person would be `driven by his deepest desire.' But surely I can't be Harry's - !
It was impossible, unthinkable! No matter what Harry had told her in the last few days, she had seen him fall for other girls. He had moped, fretted and sulked like every other teenager in Hogwarts. She just couldn't believe it.
There's only one way to find out.
She took a deep breath. If I'm brave enough.
Hermione closed her eyes, and allowed her consciousness to slip away. It wasn't hard to do. After all, it was close to dawn and after everything that had happened tonight, she was physically and emotionally exhausted.
When she "opened" them again, Hermione found herself standing on a crooked wooden bridge, her arms resting on a thick beam railing. The view was both breathtaking and habitually familiar. Hogwarts.
She looked down at herself. She was in her Hogwarts uniform, sans robes. Okay, I'm here. Now what? "Harry," she called nervously.
She glanced about her. She recognized a few Gryffindors and a cluster of Hufflepuffs from her year walking by.
"Harry, I need to talk to you." Even if this was a dream, she couldn't bring herself to shout. As it was a couple of passing first-years threw her a curious look. Oh it was one of the three, the girl. Wonder what they're up to now?
She studiously ignored them. She tried again, this time calling his name in her mind as well. "Come on, Potter." Oh this is just plain ridiculous -
"Hermione?"
She took a steadying breath, and turned around.
Harry was standing a couple of feet away. Like her, he was dressed for his classes in vest and tie. She could tell he was nervous because he was doing that little jig he sometimes did, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. She bet he wasn't even aware of it.
"You, er, called?"
"Is that really you, Harry?" Stupid question, but for some reason she needed the confirmation.
He nodded.
She began, "About what I said -"
He knew her well enough that he could guess what was going to follow. "Don't, Hermione." His voice grew hard. "I deserved it. Besides, it's safer for you, really, if you don't trust me."
"I thought you said you were free of the Solvamus in here."
"The Solvamus doesn't change the way I feel," he said grimly.
It was the perfect opening. "And what is that exactly, Harry?"
"Huh?"
"How do you really feel ... about me?" she asked carefully.
The boy's expression grew guarded. "It doesn't matter anymore."
"That is complete and utter shite." If the circumstances were different, Hermione would've laughed at Harry's shocked expression.
She turned back towards the railing. She'd almost forgotten how beautiful Hogwarts was. Somehow it was easier to do this while looking at all that before her - the expanse of the lake, the mountains in the distance.
She felt Harry slowly approach until he was leaning on the bridge, too, standing next to her like he had dozens of times. Only now he was careful to maintain his distance.
"I've been thinking about last year, all the disagreements we had," Hermione began. "It felt as if the three of us were growing apart, like we were each going our own way. And there was a ... distance between two of us that I'd never felt before. I didn't imagine that, did I?"
The boy didn't answer, but he didn't deny it either.
"I know I had my part in it, but it wasn't that simple, was it?" Hermione continued slowly. "You knew I couldn't stand the way you were putting so much faith in the 'Prince's' book, not after what we'd been through with Riddle's diary, much less how you were using it to cheat. Because that's what you were doing, Harry - cheating - and you knew it would be a hard thing for me to stand, even in a friend. But you kept playing it up."
"I suppose that you getting better marks than me in Potions would've been ... aggravating," she admitted, "but I honestly think I would've been happy for you if you'd done it yourself. But doing it through Snape's book! Harry, you know me. I've worked hard to get to this point. None of this -" she stretched her hand out to indicate the expanse of Hogwarts before them, "comes naturally to me. I don't have your instincts, the legacy of your parents or Ron's background. It rankled to see you just glibly taking the easy way out."
"Hermione, it wasn't like that," Harry protested. "It's not like I planned it. I didn't do it to spite you. It's just, I enjoyed it, you know? I was getting good marks in Potions for the first time." He frowned. "Maybe it was cheating, but at the time ..."
"You didn't care?" She rolled her eyes. "The point is ... last year wasn't just about me drawing back, was it? You were pushing me away, too. Why?"
He looked away. "I don't know what you're talking about," he denied gruffly.
"Are you going to make me say it?" she asked sadly. "Alright I will. That n-night, Harry -"
"Hermione!" He whirled around and stepped towards her in alarm.
"- you said you loved me -"
"Stop!" He was so close now they were barely inches apart.
She wouldn't be deterred, even if she was starting to shake. "- I didn't believe you, I thought it was the potion -"
His hands rose and grasped her arms. "Enough! Dear Merlin, it's hurting you! Please don't talk about it anymore," he begged. "I'm sorry, Hermione, I'm so sorry. I hurt you so badly that night ..."
She looked at him, and raised a hand to touch a tear spilling down his cheek. Pain at my pain? "It is you, isn't it, Harry?" she asked, a note of wonder in her voice.
"Of course it's me!" he answered shakily. Suddenly conscious of their situation, he released her. "If ... I know this is impossible ... but if there's anything I can do to -"
"You can answer me." Her demand was couched in the softest of tones.
Harry's shoulders slumped. "Alright," he mumbled. Although she was perilously close to his secret, he still couldn't bring himself to tell her. Not after that night and the hell he had put her through. He was ... no longer worthy.
A deprecating grin hovered around Hermione's mouth. "I'm going to sound terribly presumptuous and full of myself."
He heard the doubt in her voice and looked at her in disbelief. How could she still not know? No, wait, of course she knew, he'd told her already. But she didn't believe it, he realized. How can that be? "You won't," he assured her. "Not if it's true."
Now it was her turn to look nervous. "Professor Lupin said that the Solvamus goes after the most difficult barriers first. It's taken this long for it to sink in, what that means."
Hermione took a deep breath and plunged in. "This can't be something as simple as a crush or you stopping yourself from falling in love with me. If that were the case, surely there are other things you feel about more strongly? Giving the Dursleys a good beating, for instance, or maybe Malfoy, or losing all sense and going after Snape. How can this be stronger than all of that?"
"Unless," she paused, searching his face, "you loved me already. Is that it? Or is that still too simple? Tell me, Harry, when did you decide that you would stop loving me?"
It was a wild guess and for a second she thought he would deny it. Then he whispered, "When you nearly died." He didn't need to explain; they both knew what he was referring to.
"You were by my side." His voice grew hoarse. "You were fierce, brave and wonderful, and you saved my life. Then suddenly that purple bolt shot from Dolohov's wand, and right in the middle of saying my name you fell. I think I loved you long before then, Hermione, but I only completely understood what I felt that night. Then Sirius died, and I was in the hospital wing waiting for you to wake, and I realized it could never be. For your sake AND mine."
Hermione stared at him. "You don't want to be in love me."
"No," he admitted. "You'd be twice the target you already are if I did. Voldemort and his bloody Death Eaters would go after you to destroy me. They'd be right, too."
"It's been hard, these past months without Dumbledore, but somehow I managed to go on. But if I lost you, I don't think I could ... When I thought you were dead, I lost it. I couldn't even move until Neville said you were breathing. It was the worst moment of my life." Harry stepped closer, and slowly, so she could step back if she wanted to, he raised his hand and laid it on the spot where the purple flame had passed just above her breasts. "It's still there, isn't it, Hermione?"
There was nothing faintly sexual about the way he was touching her, even if the heel of his palm was grazing the curve where one breast began. No, this was something deeper, more fundamental than that. And she had never seen Harry's eyes that deep a forest green before.
When Hermione moved to cover his hand with hers, it felt like it was the most natural thing to do. "Harry, it wasn't -"
"It WAS!" he insisted. "It was my idea to go to the Department of Mysteries that night, wasn't it? When you fell, that was all I could think of. 'Don't let her die, because if she does then it's my fault!' I'm the reason someone's dead again! Only this time it was you, and I couldn't live with that. Because then I would've killed the one girl who mattered to me most ..."
He was trembling, she could feel it through his hand, hear it in his voice. "I would give anything for you not to be in that kind of danger again, Hermione. Do you understand? Even if it meant losing any chance to be with you, I couldn't risk it - and I couldn't risk feeling that way again -"
Hermione couldn't stand any more. "Enough!" She'd always known that Harry carried some guilt about what had happened to her that night, but she'd never guessed the extent of it. He was reliving it before her, and the stark, bare bones of his pain was more than anyone their age should have to bear. "Harry, look at me. It's over! I'm alive, we made it. Please stop, oh Merlin I can't stand to see you cry ..." They were barely inches apart, and suddenly it was the easiest thing for Hermione to tip her face up to meet his.
Harry didn't dare move. This was unthinkable, impossible - but it was happening anyway. With her free hand, Hermione was tugging his head down so she could brush a kiss, like a benediction, on his forehead, then quickly, across the salty grain of each cheek.
She stopped only when she became conscious that he was frozen in place. She drew away minutely, just enough so she could stare into the blurred, disbelieving emeralds of his eyes.
She saw only Harry.
"I've loved you for ages," he whispered, but his voice was still broken, bereft of hope. He tucked a finger against her cheek because somewhere along the way, she had started crying too. "But what was true then is the same now, if not worse. You're not safe around me. I've hurt you. All my life I swore I'd protect you, but look at what I've done!"
"It was the potion and the augmenter, not you." Now, finally, she was saying it with her whole heart. She believed it completely, because this boy standing in front of her would never hurt her. He'd throw himself into a thousand fires for her sake. She knew, because she would do same for him.
What was it, this thing between them? Hermione had never stopped to define it. They had called it friendship all their lives, and yet Harry and she were undeniably connected in ways she doubted Ron would understand. She remembered Harry's question from her last dream. If Harry had come to her before Ron did, would she have given him a chance?
Yes. She realized belatedly that she was still holding Harry's hand against her chest. I'm not frightened of him. I could never be, not of the real Harry. But what happens when we wake? She drew his hand away. Why did this have to happen now, this way? Why couldn't we have time - oh Merlin, how much time did they have left, four, five days?
She looked at her friend, the boy with his tousled hair and weary eyes. Harry's saved my life and I've saved his. What kind of bond does that make?
It's time to find out.
"Harry ... what if I said I ... wanted to give this a chance?"
It was literally the last thing he expected. "Wh-what?"
"Think about it. I know you decided that it shouldn't be, that you wouldn't even tell me, but it's all out now. I guess that throws the ball my way, unless you still think it's a completely horrible idea?" She smiled at him. It was a small one, but genuine.
Harry was still stunned. "But you and R-ron," he sputtered.
The smile evaporated. "We ... broke up tonight."
"What?!" Harry winced at his clever response. He didn't know how many more shocks his system could take tonight. "But you left together and you were talking," he said in bewilderment.
"Yes, well, we had words." Hermione's tone was frosty. Then she sighed and relented. "You know how we are. We argued. Ron's leaving for Ireland later today. I don't know when he'll be back."
Harry watched her for a second. He touched her shoulder briefly. "Are you alright?"
His earnest concern was almost her undoing. She clutched the railing tightly, blinking back tears. "I - he said some things, things I never thought I'd hear from Ron."
Harry's eyes narrowed. "What things? What did he say?"
"That's between me and Ron, Harry," she said reprovingly.
"But Hermione -"
"He was angry." She tried to stay objective. "He had every right to be. I think that maybe he didn't mean it, not really."
"You argued about me, didn't you?" Harry guessed. "I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"You keep saying that," he said bitterly, "but people keep dying and getting hurt around me. How many times does that have to happen before it becomes my fault?"
"Hey, this isn't about anyone dying," she reminded him gently. "This is about you and me, and something you should've told me about a long time ago." She hesitated. "I don't know if this will work. Whatever I said before, I do trust you, here and now. But once we leave this dream the person you become under the Solvamus frightens me," she admitted with brutal honesty.
"So I guess there are two things I need to hear from you, Harry. The first is do you want to try?"
He was torn. "I -"
"Don't answer now," she said, "think about it. You had your reasons for making that decision. Tell me tomorrow."
Relief flitted across Harry's face. "The second?"
"Will I be safe with you even outside these dreams?" The answer to this was more important than Harry could know. If what Lupin and Tonks had told her was true, soon there would be very little they could do to control the youth. "I can't go through that again," she told him tightly.
"I don't want to risk that, either ... which is why I'm going to take the potion if they clear it, Hermione," he said seriously. "Don't try to stop me."
"I won't. So long as it doesn't get you killed," she quipped.
He actually smiled at that. "Nothing has so far," he returned, with just a trace of cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow, then?"
"Tomorrow, and this time don't give me such a hard time calling you," she said in mock annoyance.
"Hey, I'll probably be here before you."
Her brows knitted. "Is that even possible? It's my dream after all."
Harry pursed his lips. "You know, I have no idea. I could try, I suppose."
She glared at him. "Don't you dare!"
He raised his hands placatingly. "Alright, alright. Merlin, anybody tell you that sometimes you can be scary?"
"Believe it," she said sweetly. "Good night, Harry."
He nodded, turned to leave, and stopped. "Hermione."
"Thank you."
And then he was gone.
The moment she was alone, Hermione let herself sag against the banister. That's it then. The decision was now in Harry's hands. If he refused, she would abide by it. She would not seduce (funny to think I could actually seduce someone! take that, you Lavenders and Pansies) him while he was under the influence of the Solvamus. It would be the same as taking advantage, because under the potion Harry wouldn't have the ability to say no.
Now, finally, she could sleep. And dream other dreams.
A/N: I have no excuse. Well, actually I've got several, but to make a long story short, I don't think I'd have the energy to go through that kind of month again. It started with me getting sick and then snowballed from there. My apologies for the long wait, and thanks for your patience. To those who were worried, let me say flat out that I'm not giving up on this story. Lastly, I never expected to get so many reviews, and such involved ones at that! Thank you, and I hope I hear from you on this chapter, too. :)