A/N - I can't possibly tell you all how touched I was at the response to the first chapter of this fic. It just started out as something goofy and silly and (soon to be) smutty and I am SO glad that everyone likes it as much as I do! So here it is, chapter two! Thanks for the love, and don't forget to review.
Love and snuggles,
~~ ** Lady Tuesday ** ~~
Chapter Two - Addressing the Issue
Hermione paced the corridor nervously, her head ringing with frantic thoughts.
Please, I need a room where we can discuss this … I need somewhere classy, understated … something tasteful so this won't get ridiculous …
With a small pop, a doorknob appeared on the wall next to her and Hermione grabbed at it, practically vibrating with nervous energy as she heaved the door open and walked into the Room of Requirement. She was pleasantly surprised as she strode over the doorsill, feeling her knees go weak with relief. She didn't know what she had expected - in her most horrible nightmare, it had been some hideous, sado-masochistic version of the Potions dungeon - but this was definitely perfect. The room had modeled itself to feel quite like the Gryffindor common room: there was a semi-circle of nine large, plush armchairs with a fireplace off to one side. At the center of the semi-circle and facing the other chairs was a tenth armchair, but this one had an easel and a bookstand set next to it with several different colored fat-nibbed quills. Along the sides of the room, and very tastefully set into the tapestry-covered walls, were shelves stuffed with books of all different shapes and sizes, each in a discreetly labeled section according to subject.
She recognized a few of the books that were by Muggle authors: Changing Bodies, Changing Lives; Sex and Sensibility, and a variety of other manuals on puberty and sexuality geared at teenagers. She didn't recognize the ones written by wizards, but felt that the titles made them similar in intent. But she nearly had a heart attack at the collection tucked into a shelving unit underneath the window seat at the bay windows in the back of the room.
Hermione became more and more enthralled as she read the titles, shaking her head in disbelief. "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star," she mumbled, "The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio … good grief, the wizarding ones are even worse …"
She plunked onto the window seat and picked up a few that were stacked on the cushion next to the panes of glass. "Well, this isn't surprising; I suppose I should have expected the Kama Sutra. At least it's reputable; and shelved at the back. The Wenchy Witch's Guide to Perfect Wand Handling … oh, for God's sake."
"Hey, wand-handling is an important issue, I'm sure."
Hermione screamed as she looked up and found another pair of eyes watching her. Even though she felt perfectly foolish for it, she couldn't help the instinct to stash the `wand-handling' manual behind her back to shield it from view.
"Don't worry, Hermione," Harry said with a smirk, "I won't tell Ginny that you've been reading the ones with the less scholarly bents to them." He grinned at her as she blushed, hopped down from the window seat and quickly drew the curtain around it.
"I wasn't reading it. I mean, I was just … looking at … the pictures," she stammered, trying to cover up the fact that she had actually been considering reading the book when he had showed up.
"The pictures, eh?"
Hermione followed Harry's gaze to the floor, where The Wenchy Witch's Guide was lying open, a host of animated wizarding pictures showing step-by-step instructions on some rather illicit activities.
"I … erm … well, of course I didn't mean those pictures … I just meant that … that is to say," Hermione babbled. When she could think of nothing better to say under the growing amusement on Harry's face, she merely finished with, "Oh, bloody hell, I give up. I'm Flooing home this instant."
Harry chuckled but Hermione could see that his cheeks were redder than usual, one hand was jammed in a tight fist into his pants pocket and the other was tugging at his tie. In an effort to take off the pressure, Hermione did what she always did in these situations. Talk.
"What are you doing here so early?" Hermione moved quickly back across the room to where she had plunked her bag down on the front armchair. She began unpacking the books, handouts, and charts that she had prepared for the evening's meeting.
Harry shrugged and dropped into the armchair nearest hers in the loop. "I didn't have anything better to do after dinner and I figured you might need some conversation to loosen you up."
"Loosen me up?" Hermione parroted, damning the slight hiccup in her voice. "Why would I need loosening up?"
"I figured you might be a tad nervous."
"Oh, that's silly; what would make you think I'd be nervous?"
"Well, for one thing," Harry said, "you're crumpling the hell out of that chart in your hand."
Hermione quickly dropped into a chair, laid the chart out on the bookstand nearby and commenced smoothing it out. Hermione turned to face Harry and assure him she most certainly was not nervous, but she couldn't force the words out of her mouth. Instead, she enlarged the now smooth chart and hooked it up on the easel next to her. She busied herself in a similar fashion for several minutes before she realized that Harry had simply been sitting there watching her putter around the front of the room. She eventually sat down to await the arrival of the rest of the group.
"Hermione," Harry said quietly, "are you sure this is a good idea?"
Hermione smiled weakly. "Nope. In fact, I think it might just be one of the stupidest ideas Ginny has ever had, if not the very dumbest."
Harry grinned in return but he was blushing and avoiding her eyes. "How are you going to get through it then? I don't know if I could."
"By reminding myself that I'm the only one qualified to teach you dunderheads not to put things in the wrong places."
They both laughed a bit too loudly before retreating into an uneasy silence. Both were visibly relieved when a short time later, Ginny ambled through the door, followed closely by Neville, who was determinedly looking at his shoelaces. A few minutes later, and humming to herself, Luna wandered in, followed by Lavender and Parvati, who dissolved into giggles the instant they saw Hermione's chart. Just before the appointed meeting time of 8 pm, Dean, Seamus, and Ron meandered through the door, obviously trying to appear as if they weren't at all unsettled or embarrassed by the topic they had come to discuss.
"So," Hermione began unsteadily, "uh … welcome."
Everyone shifted a bit in their chairs and smiled somewhat awkwardly.
"Well, we all know what we're here for, so perhaps we should just get right to it." Hermione fought back a small smile as she noticed the panic in many of the pairs of eyes at her chosen wording. However, getting back towards a more scholarly ground, Hermione found herself much more at ease. She rose from her chair and handed out some pieces of parchment she had made that contained a smaller version of the charts she had set up next to her chair.
"Now, we really can't talk about sex without first discussing anatomy," she said, more confidently than she felt. "So if you'll all just take a look at the handouts I made up, we'll start out with -ahem- the female genitalia."
Hermione could have heard a cotton ball drop onto plush carpet in the second or two between the echo of her voice
off the walls and the rustle of parchment as nine people tried to pretend that they were looking at anything other than
a diagram of female sex organs. She charged on anyway. "Now, starting between the ages of 10 and 14, most females
will begin experiencing changes to certain body parts and bodily functions-"
*****
She was losing them, she could tell. The attention that they had been giving her went from nervous but rapt at the outset to a broken down state of complete discomfort, as they were now. Frankly, Hermione was astonished that they had paid attention for this long. At just after 10 pm, she was quite impressed that she had managed to cram a reasonably thorough lesson on the biology and anatomy of sex into their heads, and she was satisfied that stopping at this juncture would lead nicely into her next lesson for later.
"So, I think that'll be all," Hermione said, stretching a bit and closing her book. "When would you like to meet next?"
Everyone looked at various spots on the wall and floor and stammered all at once. Hermione thought she heard snatches of conversation that suggested next week … next month …. She couldn't understand; had she done that badly? And then it her hit; she giggled. No one wanted to seem too eager for fear that they'd be laughed at for wanting to meet right away.
"How about on Saturday?" she offered. "Would anyone object terribly to missing the beginning of the first Hogsmeade day?"
It was clear to her that Ron, Dean and Seamus very much objected, but they seemed a bit keener on missing when Harry said, "It would give us plenty of time to discuss delicate subjects."
It was generally agreed that they would all meet on Saturday, just after breakfast. "And bring some questions for discussion!" Hermione chirped happily as they all set out.
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