Soooo sorry for having been MIA! See bottom for author's note. :)
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What Has Become of the World?
Chapter 3: Confusion
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The wind was blistering, and every once in a while the water would splash, drenching her and freezing her to the bone. There was nothing she could do; she had on the clothes that she'd worn to prison a year previous and the boat was rigged to go straight from Azkaban, to the land across the water.
Free land.
When she'd imagined what Azkaban would be like when she'd been sentenced, it paled in comparison to how it really was. She'd become so thin because she could barely muster up the energy to eat. Her clothes that had once clung to her nicely were now, all but falling off her shoulders and hips. She hadn't been able to eat, because every blissful emotion of Harry was sucked away from her the moment it had formulated in her mind.
The first month she'd cried constantly, knowing she'd never make it. Her soul wasn't fit for Azkaban; she'd be much too weak by the time she was allowed to leave…if she made it out alive. Thinking about never seeing Harry again only made her sorrow worse.
After the first month, she'd tried to do what Sirius had done: think about how she shouldn't be in there. Of course, she was guilty of her crime-if one should call her selfless act a crime at all-and she knew it was lawfully fit that she should be here amongst the foulest wizards and witches of her time.
How did she truly fit with them? She didn't. She'd freed house elves as an act on her campaign. For once, Hermione hadn't read the fine print, and she was jealous of Harry for getting off so easily with Dobby.
A rule that had been made hundreds of years prior, and hadn't been changed stated that the act of freeing someone else's house elf out of trickery would land them in Azkaban for the number of days in accordance to how many house elves they'd released. Hermione had freed 384 of them.
The only reassurance she had was that 384 house elves were living free lives, and the world was beginning to change. Her happiness was short-lived, however, as it was sucked out of her upon reaching Azkaban, replaced with the grief that she'd be apart from Harry for so long…
Oh, Harry. She worried about him constantly. His drinking problem, she feared, would kill him before she got out. For all she knew, he could already be dead. She supposed the fact that Luna never mentioned Harry was a good sign.
Hermione pushed a tear off her cheek, trying to remember when he'd told her he loved her. She'd been with Ron at the time, crawling her way through a most awkward relationship. Ron had been so happy that she'd agreed to go out with him, though, and it pained her to leave him. When he'd finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, she couldn't say no. It was impossible for her to tell him that she'd fallen out of love with him and in love with Harry, so to make him happy, she'd agreed to try things out.
When she had told Ron she would, he'd seemed a little disappointed at first, but then drew her into a tight embrace, petting her hair and whispering to her how long he'd wanted to tell her. She'd hugged him back, but kept thinking of how badly she wanted Harry to be the one holding her tight and petting her hair. She'd pulled back, kissed his cheek, and told him she'd see him the next day, disapparating into her own flat and breaking down on her sofa.
After Ron had announced their relationship to Harry, Harry's drinking had seemed to worsen. She'd felt terrible for Ginny, whom she knew was taking the worst of it. Sooner than later, Ginny broke up with Harry over his drinking and Hermione had found Harry in her flat, rummaging drunkly through her liquor cabinet.
"You've gotta have s'more, Hermione," Harry mumbled as he threw an empty wine bottle behind him. It crashed into the wall and fell to the floor in pieces. "Don' you drink wine at least?"
Hermione had shaken her head. "Even if I had some right now, Harry, I'd still cut you off. Soberius."
Harry stopped his motions, turning an angry face towards Hermione who still had her wand pointed at him after muttering a sobering charm. "What the bloody fuck'd you do that for?"
"You're ruining your liver, Harry."
"I don't give a fuck."
"You've grown a foul mouth, too."
"So's Ron and Ginny, and I don't hear you bitching about them."
"Harry, come here; sit down." She'd taken his hand and led him to her sofa. "Harry, you've got to stop this. I know breaking up is hard, but this is unhealthy."
"I'm not upset about Ginny if that's what you're wondering."
Hermione had cocked an eyebrow. "Then why exactly are you drinking yourself stupid?"
His face had gone pale, and now, after the situation, she knew he'd been nervous as hell. "I-it's hard to explain-Hermione. I-I can't really tell you."
Hermione had frowned. "Well why not? I'm your best friend, right?"
"Well, yes…"
"Would you rather talk to Ron…?"
"No!" he'd shouted. "I-I mean, I don't think that'd be a good idea."
"Harry, what's wrong?" She'd put her hand over his, and from her spot next to him on the sofa she could feel him shiver. The moment he'd flinched, she'd known. She'd been elated, ecstatic, beside herself, but all she could get out was a pathetic, "Oh."
"Look, I know you're with Ron and all, and I just broke up with Ginny, and I really don't know how to tell you otherwise, and it's…"
"Harry, stop." She'd giggled slightly. He'd been rambling, something she was usually prone to doing. "I understand."
He'd looked down at his hands clasped in his lap. "Right, got it. Well I'd better be…"
"No, stop." He'd stood up, but she wouldn't let go of his hand.
"Hermione, please…"
"I said, stop, Harry."
"No, I shouldn't have come over, I-I don't want to…"
"Harry I know this is crazy; we shouldn't be doing this, but I love you too much to let you walk into that fireplace and leave me here tonight."
He'd only stared at her, and for the longest time. Initially, she'd been afraid that she'd read him wrong and had completely spat out words that would scare him away. Perhaps he'd meant something else when he'd been rambling about her and Ron and Ginny and him and how he'd…
…kissed her…
Harry had pulled her flush against his body and attacked her lips with his own. She'd tangled her hands in his hair, pulling his head closer. Fleetingly, she'd felt terrible: she'd never gone this far with Ron, and here she was cheating on him with his best mate, their best friend. She couldn't stop herself, though; she'd wanted Harry for too long.
Harry pulled back from her for a moment. "Hermione, we should stop."
"Oh, Harry."
"This isn't right. You're going out with Ron."
"I don't care."
"You should, and I do care." He pulled himself further back from her, she figured so he wouldn't be tempted to kiss her again. "He's my best mate, and your boyfriend."
Her boyfriend…
"Oh, damn!" Hermione cursed. "Why did I ever say yes to him?"
Harry kissed her forehead quickly. "You go back to Ron, Hermione. I know you'll be happy with him, I just-" she could see the pain in his eyes and he clenched his fists at his side. "I just needed to tell you how I felt."
"You never did."
Harry smiled at her smart remark and kissed her chastely. "I love you, Hermione Granger."
He'd disappeared into the fireplace and no sooner did she follow him, her destination quite different.
"Hermione," Ron had moved towards her with purpose, happy to see her. "Hermione, I thought you had to work late tonight…"
She had winced at her previous lie. "Well, yes. I just got off. We need to talk, though, Ron."
His face had paled, much the same as Harry's had earlier, but for a much different reason. She'd tried to push Harry out of her mind for the moment while she explained to Ron a complete lie as to why she was breaking things off with him. "Ron, I've been so busy this past year. And it's not that I haven't enjoyed my time with you this past month, I just…there's too much work to be done, and I can't keep up with it all. I think it's time that we slow this down and perhaps see other people."
She'd looked at her feet for an uncomfortable amount of time. After five minutes had passed, she'd looked up; expected him to be shocked, or even tearing at the eyes, but his lips had drawn themselves into a thin line and his eyes were so livid that it frightened her. "You slag."
"Ron, what are you…"
"Slow this down? That's bullshit, Hermione. You fucked Harry, didn't you."
It wasn't a question, and it took Hermione back. "No, Ron! Why would you…"
"You're lying!" Tears were beginning to form in his eyes. "I know you are."
"Ronald Bilius Weasley! I have not shagged Harry!"
"But you're planning on it, aren't you?"
"Ron!"
"Hermione! How could you do this to me? I-I thought at some point you'd…"
"Ron, I do love you."
"NOT LIKE I LOVE YOU!" Ron had screamed. Hermione had settled herself into one of his comfortable chairs, tears pouring out of her eyes. "FUCK, HERMIONE! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW BLOODY MUCH I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU?"
"I know." Her voice had been small and unsettled. "I know, Ron. I know how much you love me, but I'm so busy with this campaign…"
"Fuck the campaign, Hermione! There's some other bloke in your life and I want to know who it is if it's not Harry!"
"There's no one else!"
"It's Harry, then! You're in love with him!"
"No…" she had cried.
"LIAR!" He'd shouted, his face inches from hers. He'd made his way over to her and perched a hand on either side of her, pushing her against the wall. "YOU'RE LYING TO MY FACE! YOU'RE A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A GRYFFINDOR!"
"Ron…"
"It makes me sick, you know!" He'd stood back from her and she'd let out a long breath she'd been holding in. "It makes me so sick that you're in love with him, that I want to toss up all over him. I WANT TO TOSS UP ALL OVER HIS DEAD PARENTS' GRAVES, HERMIONE! THAT'S HOW MUCH HE'S HURT ME."
"He's never hurt you, Ron!" She'd stood up and faced him with all the courage in her. "You have this silly jealousy in you! I suppose all the Weasleys have it because Ginny's said a thing or two that hurt me over the years! If you're going to be so childish about this, then I'm leaving! We're through! And don't ever ask me out again! Ever!"
"How do you know he loves you, Hermione!?" Ron had shouted at her as she passed him on her way to his fireplace. "For all you know, he could be shagging stray women who like alcoholics at the pub down the street! He could be completely diseased!"
Hermione had stopped before she threw the floo powder into the fireplace. She hadn't been crying anymore, though her previous tears had stained her cheeks with mascara. "Ron, when you've finally matured a little, let me know and we can talk. Until then, stay the fuck away from me."
Hermione had almost felt Ron flinch before she threw the powder in the fireplace, and she'd surprised herself with the language she'd used. She never cursed, but Ron had made her so upset that she couldn't contain it any longer.
Instead of stepping out of the fireplace gracefully, she tumbled out into her drawing room floor. She gasped from the floor when she saw Harry sitting on her sofa.
"Hermione," he'd breathed as she collected herself. He'd crossed the room to help her up and she'd smiled at him weakly.
"Thanks, Harry."
He'd wiped her cheeks free of tears "Where'd you go, Hermione? I came back five minutes after I'd left and you were gone. What's wrong?"
She'd sniffled and looked down at her feet. "I broke it off with Ron."
When she'd looked up she'd expected him to be happy for some reason. Instead, a frown was etched across his face. "What?"
"I broke up with Ron. I-I couldn't keep going on with him knowing that you shared my feelings."
Harry had actually looked upset. "Hermione, you shouldn't…"
"Well not you too!" She'd shouted at him, hysterical from her row with Ron. "I did this for us, Harry!"
"Oh, fuck, Hermione! He's going to hate me!"
"He was already jealous of you, Harry!" That had seemed to take him back. "I told him that I'd been tied up at work and the first thing he'd asked me was if we'd shagged!"
"Oh, Hermione…" Harry whispered, taking her into his arms.
"I mean I'd always known he was a bit jealous of you, but this is ridiculous!"
"You don't know how much he loves you, though," Harry said softly, as though the truth would send her back to Ron. "He's loved you for a long time now."
"I used to, you know." Harry pulled back from their embrace. "I used to love him; I used to even love the stupid things he did to get my attention and make me jealous. I'd even play along and get him more jealous, but he took too long, and I was too afraid to ask him. And then…and then…"
"What, Hermione?" Harry had leaned his forehead against hers. Their noses were barely touching and she'd felt his breath mingle with hers.
"I fell in love with you." Her lips had touched his, and that had been it. He'd pulled her to him with a maddening force, running his tongue along her bottom lip and slipping it into his mouth. She'd gasped, he'd groaned, and she'd asked him if he could possibly love her as much as Ron did.
"Merlin, Hermione. You have no idea how much I love you."
"If it's unbearable, then I think I do know."
"Hermione, we shouldn't…"
She'd taken her hands from around his waist, silencing her hands from ripping his shirt off. "Oh, Harry…"
"I want to-bloody hell, I can't tell you how much I want to-but we can't…not until this settles down a bit."
"You're right," she'd said. "Merlin, I'm a mess."
He'd kissed her soundly on the lips. "We should get you washed up."
"How can you be so calm?"
He'd laughed. "I don't know. I suppose it's because I want to do this properly, you know? Court you, woo you…"
"Woo me?" She'd laughed as he'd lead her to the loo. "We're not in Shakespeare, Harry."
He'd smiled crookedly. "I know. I just…I guess I just love you too much to mess this up."
"I love you too, Harry."
He'd kissed her then, and for the first time in 384 days, that memory wasn't sucked from her mind.
As the boat Hermione was in neared the shore, her withered hair began to grow again in volume, its pathetic curls growing bouncy once again. Her pale face grew tingly as it took in the warm rays of the sun, and she took her first deep breath of fresh air for the first time in 384 days.
The boat hitched itself to the dock as she climbed onto the wooden panels feebly. Her face turned towards the sun and she smiled.
Harry, she had to see Harry.
She was frightened, though. They'd been apart for more than a year and she wasn't sure what their first meeting would bring. He'd been strong to keep them from going too far at first with their relationship, but after this, she wasn't sure if either of them had enough control left to stop themselves from falling together. Hermione wasn't sure if she was ready for it.
She'd been ready for it a year ago; she wasn't sure why she doubted herself now.
With every last morsel of energy left, she collected herself and apparated to Harry's flat, knowing if he hadn't had anti-apparation wards around his flat before, he sure as hell wouldn't have them now.
She knew she was right when she tumbled unceremoniously onto Harry's sofa, making the figure next to her almost jump through the ceiling after a moment's delay.
"Bloody `ell, Hermione," Harry slurred, a tumbler filled with a brownish liquid in his hand. His eyes were bloodshot and his clothes and hair were more tousled than ever. He was wasted.
"Oh, Harry," Hermione sighed before falling into his embrace, being crushed by the force of his hug.
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I'm soooooooooooooo sorry for having been sort of MIA for the last few weeks, but I've started working again so I don't have much time on my hands anymore, lol.
Thanks to the wonderful Riley for betaing this for me! I couldn't do it without her!
Thanks for all your wonderful reviews! I shall be updating "Without You" and "Missing Harry" as soon as I can find the time! :)
Harrynhermione4eva
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