Closing his Eyes and Ending his Life
Harry made his way down to the kitchen, the smell of the food his mother had prepared floating through his mind, growing more intense with every step he took. Kate had already left, and now Harry was interested in finding out just what was wrong with his mother.
Pushing the kitchen door open he saw that his mother was already sitting at the table, and that the food was already on the table. As she noticed his appearance she looked up in shock which quickly changed to a smile. Harry couldn't tell if the smile was genuine or not, but something felt very wrong about the situation.
"Why didn't you call me" he said giving her a kiss on top of her head before helping himself to a chair.
"Got lost in my thoughts for a moment, so how was your day?" she asked giving him a genuine smile.
"You know…" he said shrugging. He was eager to find out what was wrong with her, but he was also keen on being able to tell her his secret, about his trial. Kate had made him promise he would tell her tonight, and he wasn't brave enough to break a promise he made her.
"What's wrong, Harry?" she asked eyeing him suspiciously.
"Nothing" Harry lied, giving her a fake smile.
"I know you too well to fall for that! I can always tell when something is on your mind" she said looking closely at him.
"I could say them exact words to you" Harry said back. Both of them looked at each other for a moment in silence, before both broke into laughter.
"We make quite the odd couple, don't we" she said smiling.
"Odd, but great" Harry said with a nod.
"Of course we are!" she said taking a bite from her burger "So how was pier diving?" she added sternly
"Diving was fantastic" Harry said swallowing some chips "The water part was the problem"
"You know I can't understand why you hate swimming quite so much!" she said laughing.
"I think it's the fact that your completely covered" Harry started, he had in fact spent quite a bit of time thinking over this "It's kind of like a prison for the body, water on all four sides with nowhere to turn. While on land you usually only have one surface under your feet, or another if you lean up against something. So when I was diving and didn't even have the floor against me, then it was like my body was finally free. Falling through the air was brilliant, pure freedom"
"Except that you have to fall down!" she said seriously.
"No way around that one" Harry said sighing, but noticed that his mother watched him closely.
"There are…" she said softly earning a confused look before explaining "you've been on a broom, there's always that"
"Could you imagine me flying one around Bournemouth Centre! The old people would just love that!" Harry said laughing, but stopped as he realized his mother wasn't joining him "What is it?" he asked.
"Well, you could fly it… somewhere else…" she said, avoiding her eyes from Harry.
"Mum, your not making any sense?" he said in confusion which made her eyes come back to his. He watched as she took her time drinking her cup of orange juice before carrying on.
"You know when you turned Eleven I decided that it was better for you to reject Hogwarts and stay in Muggle school…" she started.
"Since when was Poole High called Muggle school?" Harry interrupted.
"I'm sorry" she said simply "Well, anyway, you know how we worked at home for your OWLS. Well, your NEWTS should be next year, and it'll be very hard to do it for them as well…" she finished, once again avoiding Harry's gaze.
"So?" Harry said realizing that his voice was filled with both dread and anger.
"Well, I've been thinking about how you could do next year at Hogwarts to get your…" but Harry cut her off.
"No way!" he practically shouted.
"So you could get your NEWTS" she carried on like he hadn't said anything "and I got in touch with some people to discuss it. Anyway , while I was talking I got offered a teaching post… and I accepted…"
"Oh!" Harry said breathing a sigh of relief at this news "That's great mum! Really good news, I'm really proud of you!"
"Harry" she said, and something in her voice made his insides freeze "I don't think you understand… I accepted for both of us… we'll both be going to Hogwarts"
Harry sat for a moment dumbstruck at this news, momentarily unable to believe that he had just heard these words said "What did you say?"
"Next week we'll both be moving to Hogwarts, me as a Professor, you as a student" she said simply, eyes straight on his. Harry paused in shock, a million thoughts crazing through his brain, unable to comprehend this, how this was even possible, he searched for answers to how this could happen to him, searching for the millions objections that existed.
"I'm not going to Hogwarts" Harry said simply, still having difficulty understanding what was happening, like this was a dream that defied reason.
"I'm sorry Harry, but you have to" she said, sorrow crowding her eyes and threatening tears, however the sight of this only managed to bring anger out in Harry
"I'm not going to some boarding school, like some rich arrogant son of a bitch!" he bellowed at her.
"Well, then I'll buy a house in Hogsmeade for us, that's probably for the best anyway" she said simply, like it was a negotiation and they were making terms.
"From what Moonys said that's not allowed!" Harry stuttered out in reply to her words.
"I'm sure they'll be prepared to do us a favour" she said so confidently and sincerely Harry had to believe that it was the truth, so his mind shot to the real issue.
"What about Kate?" Harry said, saying her name was painful and he felt a sting in his eyes.
"If it's meant to be, it'll still be meant to be in after Hogwarts" Lily said, eyes watering as she made herself say the words she must.
"Why can't she come?" Harry said almost begging.
"Because of the Decree of Secrecy. She's a 16 year old Muggle girl with no real ties to any wizard. I've looked into her family for you" she said, pleading in her voice for Harry to not feel pain.
"Then I'll marry her" Harry said confidently, but not really felling it.
"You're too young" she said plainly.
"I love her" Harry said, the first tears of what he guessed would be many falling onto his cheeks.
"Yeah, but her mother will never let her. She's 16, Harry, and she needs permission" she said consolingly.
"Screw the decree then!" he said hitting the table with his fist in anger.
"They'll just wipe her memory and you may even end up in Azkabam" she said moving her hand onto his clenched fist and holding it.
"They wouldn't do that!" He said quietly.
"I promise you they would, maybe not you being sent to Azkabam, but they'll wipe her memory" she said rubbing Harry's hand to ease his anger. Harry sat in silence for what felt like hours as he thought of Kate, the girl he loved.
"What am I suppose to do?" he said in a whisper, not even feeling the hundreds of tears streaming down his face.
"Tell her you love her, and you'll be back soon" she said softly and honestly making Harry snort in disbelief.
"You know she wont be happy about that!" he said laughing at the many ways he could see her killing him if he told her that.
"But she loves you, she'll have to understand… you'll have to make her" she said now holding both of his hands in hers.
"This is ridiculous, why the hell should I?" Harry said laughing and shaking his head.
"Because I'm your mother, and I said so" she said, temper rising slightly.
"Do you know that I have a trial for Reading next week, I could just stay and support myself" he said eyeing her in new found anger. He could see that this news had shocked her, and that new tears were forming in her eyes rapidly.
"Listen, I love you, you know that?" she said leaning closer to him.
"Of course" he answered honestly, he knew there'd never be any doubt of their love for each other, no matter what happened.
"Please believe me when I tell you that this is for you, and you will thank me one day, I promise" she said genuinely, her eyes pleading with Harry to believe her.
"But why does it have to be this way?" Harry said with tears, no longer pleading with his mother but with God.
"Because the easy choice is rarely the best" she said with a sad smile "You know that. Like I do. Like your father did" Harry knew the words she spoke were true, but this didn't lighten his heart. Like the truth usually did his heart was heavier, carrying the truth was harder than illusion.
"But why exactly?" He asked as he started to give up on arguing with fate.
"There are things you need to learn" she said simply.
"You and Remus got me threw my OWLS, didn't you?" he asked trying one last attempt to get out of this "Why won't it work for the NEWTS?"
"There are things that we can't teach you" she said, raising Harry's curiosity for a moment.
"Like what?" He asked almost interested in the answer, but his mind, as well as his heart belonged to Kate. He noticed as she shifted in her seat at this question, but he didn't care, he couldn't care.
"Just…things" she said. She watched him closely as he was silent for a moment.
"This is so unfair!" Harry said, his head falling into his hands on the table.
"I know, I know. But you and Kate will be fine. Nine months isn't that long, and then you'll be back for the summer…" she said as confidently as she could muster, and Harry almost believed her.
"She's going to kill me" he said sighing at the prospect of that conversation.
"Probably" She said with a sad smile making Harry laugh despite himself "but she'll understand" and Harry could hear the hope in her voice etched as deeply as the hope he felt in his heart.
*
Harry was sat on the edge of his bed, a strange position for him to be in his room, but then again leaving your girlfriend who you love for a school of witchcraft and wizardry and having to make up a reason to tell her wasn't exactly normal. Either way this strange position somehow comforted Harry, somehow like he was doing as many new things from his life before he gave it up as he could. He knew what he had to do, had rehearsed the script a million times over in his mind, had thought about all the ways it could go and was technically prepared for this conversation. However, the lurching in his heart like he was taking off on a plane told him he was going to find it hard going, and to expect the unexpected.
The sharp tap on the door told him Kate had arrived and the sight of her bounding into the room was both a joy and the most heartbreaking moment of his life.
"Lily is acting weird!" she said hoping down next to him after giving him a quick kiss, which she didn't notice wasn't brilliantly returned by Harry "Well, Lily's always weird, but even more so today! Great shoes though!" she said but stopping when she realized Harry hadn't yet reacted, "what's wrong handsome?"
"Just thinking about things… life, and stuff" he said truthfully, he was already having to do too much bad today to allow himself to lie when it wasn't necessary.
"I know!" she said a little giddy "it's well exciting! I was on the internet yesterday, checking out Reading, and it's awesome! They have a GAP, Mac Cosmetics, Sassoon, all the things a girl could want! Oh, and good colleges" she added the last part like an after thought, making Harry smile.
"I wasn't really thinking about it like that though" he said, yet again truthfully "more like how real everything will be this year. We're both of an age where the next year could make or break us…I mean your life could become everything you wanted or just fade away"
"True, I could meet my future husband" she said teasing "maybe he'll be a handsome professional footballer?"
"That's the thing, neither of us knows what will happen" he said looking at the happiness in her eyes and feeling his heart break even more.
"I'm sure I'll get the footballer part, but I don't think I'd call you handsome!" she said giving him a little hug before adding "What's gotten into you today?"
"You ever…" Harry started and paused, knowing where he had to take this "You ever have a really big decision to make, and you know what you've got to do, but it's the harder option?"
"Like moving your whole life away from your home so you can reach your dreams?" she said softly giving Harry a smile "Yeah, I know something about that". Harry closed his eyes and held them tight as he literally felt the daggers stabbing at his heart at her words, and pleaded with God that the world could change, that life could be clean and simple, where love could beat any and all obstacles. But he knew the reply, just because he had his eyes closed didn't mean reality faded away. And as he opened his eyes he prepared to close his life.
"I don't think that you should move to Reading with me" he said controlling his face so he didn't show the sorrow that was stabbing at his insides, Harry was surprised though when all she did was smile at this comment.
"I knew you were going to do this" she said gently smiling.
"Oh…um…" Harry muttered confused, but decided to try and get the point home before he was sick in front of her with the pain he was feeling "leaving your whole life behind for me isn't right"
"And that doesn't matter to me, not one little bit" she said gently taking his hand "There's my drunk Catholic Mother, the Dad I hardly know, no brothers or sisters. The only real friend I have is you. So really there's nothing…only you"
"You can't move to Reading" Harry said looking away from her and snatching his hand out of her grip, his stomach lurching, his heart pounding, his eyes stinging with the beginning of tears, tears he had to banish.
"But I've already told you I'll move with you" she said confused.
"I just don't think that's a good idea" Harry said, having stopped the tears from coming he brought his eyes back to hers.
"I promise that I don't care about living here" she said, voice rising slightly and becoming higher pitched "my home is where you are!"
"But it's just not a good idea" Harry said, having to make his voice flat to avoid tears, he knew he must be sounding heartless.
"Give me one reason!" she snapped at him, standing up, with eyes blazing fury.
"It's a big thing for me, moving there and all. And I need to concentrate on my football" Harry explained, aware of how detached his voice sounded, but he knew it was better than letting the tears that he knew would come otherwise. He watched as the fury seeped out of her eyes as shock filled her face.
"You think I'm a distraction?" she said hurt, eyes filling instantly with tears, and by the end of that simple line they were already falling down her cheeks.
"Of course not…" Harry said weakly, looking up at the tears falling down her chin onto her top. He knew if he stopped those tears from falling he would just have to do it again, so he made himself watch helplessly as they fell free.
"You said it! Or am I just not good enough for you all of a sudden?" she said, pain and hurt etched in every word.
"Its none of that, I just need to work hard if I want to succeed" Harry tried to promise her, he couldn't bear the pain she was feeling, or how he had to make more come.
"And you think being with me would stop you? That's calling me a distraction!" she snapped nastily, tears mingled with anger.
"Whatever it is, I need to do this" Harry said quietly, pathetically.
"I can't believe you think I'd ruin your chances! I love you!" she said, her eyes searching him for some proof that he wasn't saying this.
"And I love you" Harry said earnestly, feeling the stinging sensation of tears that he had recently become use to.
"So why can't we do this together?" she said in a high pitch voice, begging Harry to reconsider. Harry paused, trying desperately to think so words that didn't exist, words to comfort and convince with lies. In the split second where his eyes were closed as he blinked to stop tears from forming, Kate had dropped down onto him, her open palms pushing softly against his cheeks as she tried to hold onto him, to let him know by her touch that she was here to stay.
"Please…" Harry muttered softly as she peppered his face, eyes and mouth with chaste kisses, kisses to show real love. As opposed to a want of any physical nature that kisses usually brought with them, her kisses showed a need for his soul, for the person she loved. Harry could feel the dams of his eyelids holding back the tears, anger mixed with the salt and sorrow, and with this he pushed her of him, watching as she looked down at him in shock.
"It's just something that needs to happen" Harry said painfully, feeling the first tear hit his cheek he scrunched up his eyes to make them stop "one season…it'll be over in may, nine months…and then I'll be back for the whole summer…". Harry's eyes were reopened by the sting of the slap she gave him, and as he looked at her he saw fierce fighting anger in her eyes, a look of hatred in her eyes, not for him but for life.
"And why wouldn't I ruin your life in nine months" she spat angrily at him.
"Please don't say that" Harry pleaded, the pain in his heart making the pain in his cheek from the slap non excitant.
"Well it's true, isn't it?" she said and paused, Harry could tell a part of her hoped he would say none of it was true, that they would move together after all "What would be different in nine months?"
"Everything!" Harry said honestly, wishing to God once again that she would believe this.
"So I'll be good enough for you in nine months? You'll let me be with you when you decide?" she said, but the anger had temporarily faded, pain replacing it and Harry could tell that she temporarily was asking the question truthfully, not sarcastically. Before Harry could pinpoint this look though, anger had replaced it as she shouted "Don't do me any favours!"
"Please, Kate…" he said weakly.
"No. It's your choice. And you have to decide now. Am I good enough for you?" she asked seriously. Her face was filled with the stain of tears, her eyes pleading that he would take all of this away from her. Harry couldn't answer, he couldn't find the words to make her understand. After long moments of silence she spoke again, pain as well as acceptance colouring her voice "well, I guess that's your answer…have a nice life Harry Potter…" and with these words she left the room, and Harry knew right then that she'd never be back.
As he sat in silence, only the dull pain of loss for company he listened for the slam of her departure to echo as the final door on her way out would shut. And with that final slam the tears finally came, came as fully and entirely as they were meant to, tears that not only came from the eyes but seemingly from his chest, blocking his wind pipe as he had to fight for breathes.
"Harry…" he heard his mother whisper softly to him. He hadn't realized but she was next to him, her arms around him. He had to wonder how long he had already been crying, for the shock had taken away all grasp of time.
"What have I done?" he gasped as he burrowed his face into his mothers' fiery hair, now soaked and matted with his tears "Why did it have to happen like this?", he felt as she just sat silent, knowing his words weren't questions but words that had to be posed to the universe. As he rocked her back and forth he noticed that evening was approaching, the dark of night was coming to spirit away this day. This day of pain and endings.
And as he closed his eyes, and his life, he was grateful that tomorrow would bring the light back.
*
So that's chapter 3, what did you think? Anyway, poor Harry. He has to go to Hogwarts for the Sixth year where he knows no one! And he also has a broken heart! I hope certain people are nice to him, don't you? Please review and let me know what you think. Hogwarts next.
Jms Granger…
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