A voice in the back of Harry's mind was telling him he shouldn't do this. Strangely this voice sounded quite a bit like that of the girl he was kissing. He pulled away breathing heavily. Hermione looked up at him confused.
"Harry? What is it?"
He unwound his arms from around her and stepped back a few paces. He shook his head and looked at the girl in front of him.
"Hermione I… I can't. Not like this."
Hermione looked at him, shocked.
"What do you mean, "Not like this"? What's wrong with like this? It's me isn't it? You just don't want to do this with me."
She turned her back on him and walked to the window. Harry leaned against the doorframe and watched her. The idea that she thought he didn't want her truly surprised him. He'd done nothing but want her since somewhere in fourth- well third year actually. Watching her wear herself thin the way she had and worrying over her health. It was something he was all too used to. She worried about him, feared for him, and he worried about her. Just as he was now. He struggled to explain himself.
"Hermione, it isn't that I don't want this. I do. But I can't, not when I know the reasons behind it."
Hermione turned to him, looking slightly appalled.
"And what, pray tell, do you think my reasons are?"
Harry walked closer to her. As he stood in front of her he put his hand under her chin and made her look him in the eyes.
"Mione, I know this look. This lost, grieving look. I've had it for the better part of my life. At least when it comes time to close my eyes for sleep. When all the things I fight so hard against when I'm awake finally catch up to me and overwhelm me. Hermione, I would do anything for you, I would, but I can't be your excuse. I won't help you bury this inside of yourself."
Hermione pushed him from her angrily.
"How dare you think I would do that? You actually think I would use you like that? That I don't really want you, I'm just in it for a quick shag that can help me forget my problems for awhile."
As she spoke, she began pacing and throwing her hands about wildly.
"If that's what you think Harry then just get out. I don't want you here."
Harry tried to go to her but she held up a hand and he saw her tense.
"Just go."
Her tone was cold and he could tell she was fighting tears. As he got to the door he stopped and with his back to the room, spoke to her.
"I know you'd never hurt me on purpose. Just like I never meant to hurt you. You mean the world to me Hermione I mean it. You mean everything. That look I told you about,"
Here he turned and pinned her gaze with his. "The only time I know it isn't there is when my dreams aren't filled with visions of death, but when they're filled with you. That's the only time I find peace, when I'm with you, or when I think about you. So believe me when I say I don't "think you're only in it for a quick shag that can help you forget your problems for awhile." I know you're looking for that peace Hermione, but like I said, I won't help you bury it. You want to grieve? Fine, I'll be here. I'll hold you while you cry. And if you do have feelings for me like that, when you're ready I'd like to explore it and see where it leads because God knows I have feelings like that."
During his speech Hermione had drawn closer to him. She raised her hand and used it to trace the lines of his face. Her hand traveled to his scar and delicately traced its pattern.
"I never could stay mad at you. But I do need sleep and I think for a little while I need some time to myself. So I think you and Ron will probably be seeing less of me for a little while."
Hermione's voice was quiet and sad. Harry enveloped her in a hug. He buried his hands in her hair and held her close to him, just breathing her in.
"My Mione, my beautiful, brave, clever little Mione. What am I going to do with you?"
Hermione giggled slightly and pulled back.
"Love me?"
She said laughingly. Harry looked at her seriously.
"Unconditionally and Always."
He leaned in and gave her a chaste kiss and allowed his lips to rest on her forehead for a moment before pulling her into another embrace. He held her tightly and it was then that she felt the still present effect caused by their earlier encounter. She pulled away blushing and tried to apologize.
"Harry, about this whole thing I'm-."
He cut her off by placing a finger to her lips.
"Shhh Luv, it's all right. I meant what I said about us, I'd like to see what's there. Besides friendship I mean. But that's only when you are ready for it. Take as much time as you need Hermione. What matters right now is that you take care of yourself." One last kiss and he released her. 'Goodnight Hermione. If you need me, I'm just next door."
Hermione backed into her room as he walked to his.
"Goodnight Harry. And thank you."
As she closed her door she heard his reply of "Always." She walked to her bed and began to perform her nightly rituals. Finally she was ready for sleep. She crawled into bed and for once resented its size. It was too big for just one person. She held her pillow in her arms and imagined it was Harry she was holding and she fell into a restless sleep.
Several hours later Harry was awoken by the sounds of crying. He knew that sound well. It was Hermione, as it had been since the start of the school year. He knew she was asleep, for that was the only time Hermione allowed the grief over the death's of her parents to manifest itself. Harry lay there and listened to her soft sobs, his chest tightening with each wheezing, shuddering breath she took. As he lay there he promised himself that if it got any worse he would go in and wake her. Just as the thought crossed the synapses of his brain a sharp "Harry" coming from the room next door startled him. That was it, this had gotten decidedly worse. He got up and hurried out of his room and into hers not bothering to remember that all he slept in were a pair of Chuddley Cannons boxers. He found Hermione stark white, sitting up in the bed shaking uncontrollably. He went to the bed and sat down bringing her into his arms. As she leaned into him he began to rub her back and murmur soothing words to her. He brought his legs onto the bed and scooted closer to her. Her shivering didn't seem to want to stop. Harry was afraid he'd have to take her to Madame Pompfrey. Again his decision was made for him as Hermione began to hyperventilate severely. He began to pick her up and then realized his current state of undress and hastened back to his room. Once there he threw on a pair of sweat pants and a jumper. He ran back to Hermione and found her still hyperventilating and the shivering seemed to have worsened. He picked her up and carried her from her room, running through the portrait hole he hurried down the corridor to the staircase that lead to the Hospital Wing. Suddenly a voice stopped him.
"Well well, if it isn't Head Boy Harry Potter."
It was the Caretaker Argus Filtch.
"Out for a late night snog are we? Just wait 'til I get the Headmas- "
He stopped short at the sight of the girl in Harry's arms. Her skin had begun to turn blue from her lack of oxygen. Harry began to explain himself when the Potions Professor, Serverus Snape came up the corridor. Harry groaned sure that this would be an even longer delay. He had to get Hermione to Madame Pompfrey, and soon.
"Professor, I don't have time to explain, but I have to get Hermione to the Hospital. She can't breathe and the shaking just won't stop."
The normally cold Professor looked at Hermione with alarm. Her skin, though blue tinged, was so pale you could see the veins running through it. He gave a curt nod at the stairs, indicating that Harry should go. He followed closely behind. Harry tore up the stairs, silently praying that the school nurse could do something to help Hermione. The wheezing had gotten to the point where it sounded more like a rusted gate than a girl trying to breathe. Sweat poured off her soaking into Harry's shirt, though he ignored it as he continued to the Hospital Wing. Once there he crashed through the doors and began shouting for the Nurse. Poppy Pompfrey came out of her quarters ready to scold whomever it was that was causing such a ruckus at this late hour, she stopped as she took stock of the situation. Gesturing that Harry should put Hermione down on a bed she began to examine the girl.
"What happened?"
Harry tore his eyes away from Hermione, his face etched with worry.
"She was crying in her sleep, she's done that since she came back to school, anyway she was crying and then all of a sudden she screamed for me and I went into her. She was sitting on the bed just shaking and hyperventilating. She's been like this for at least ten minutes. It only seems to get worse."
Poppy looked at Hermione's eyes, they were glazed and unfocused.
"Was she dreaming?"
"I think so, like I said she's cried in her sleep every night since we got back."
The Nurse hurried to the medicine cabinet and flung open the door. Grabbing the bottle of Dreamless Sleep she poured some into a glass and began to administer it to Hermione.
"Poppy!"
The deep voice radiated through the Wing startling them all. Harry turned to see Headmaster Albus Dumbledore standing there with Snape next to him. The old wizard strode over to the bed and took the glass away from Madame Pompfrey. Harry was astonished.
"Professor!"
Harry protested but Dumbledore held up his hand. His eyes were sad as he looked at Harry.
"I'm sorry Harry, but we can not administer Dreamless Sleep to Hermione anymore."
"Anymore? What do you mean?"
Harry looked at Hermione his worry evident.
"Ms. Granger had, over the period between her parents death and her return to school and for several nights after that, given herself doses of Dreamless Sleep. It is like any other sleeping drug; a dependency upon it can develop. What you are witnessing are the withdrawal symptoms."
Harry sat in the chair next to Hermione's bed, her hand clasped tightly within his own. He turned pleading eyes to Dumbledore.
"Is there anything we can do?"
Dumbledore shook his head.
"At the moment, no. She must rest. This is only the beginning. The hyperventilating will cease soon, but next will be the fever and vomiting. She's going to need all the support she can get right now. And after as well. She needs to deal with her grief, but as yet she has not done so. As her friend I am quite certain we will not be able to move you from her side so I will allow you to stay with her. You have my permission to miss classes tomorrow and as the day after that is Saturday there should be no conflict. Ms. Granger should be up and about again by next Tuesday at the latest. But Harry, I caution you, do not let her take any more Dreamless Sleep or any other sleeping agent. As I'm sure you've noticed, her health has not been up to par and another battle against the withdrawal might not be so successful."
"I promise Professor, and thank you for letting me stay."
Harry felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Take care of her Harry, you need her as she needs you."
And then the rest of the world faded away as Harry focused his attention on Hermione. He'd do whatever it took to help her get well again.
TBC