Title: The Hogwarts Alumni Book Club
Author: Miranda Aurelia (Blue Lady)
Summary: When Hermione gives Harry, Draco, Ginny and Ron a copy of Deathly Hallows, none of them are pleased with
the epilogue. [A HP characters read Book 7 and over-react type of story.]
Thanks to everyone that reviewed Chapter 1! I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one that wanted an
alternative to DH. I'm looking forward to seeing the Book 7 re-writes that people are planning. :)
Btw, [inserts shameless self-advertisement] if you enjoyed Book Club, you should check out my Azkaban Hot Tub Tales
series - it's humor along similiar lines...only way more weird. =)
In Chapter 2, our favorite characters comment on other parts of the book.
Chapter 2: Conspiracy Theories
"Ron?" The redhead in question looked up the game of wizard chess he was playing with his nephew. Luna and Ginny were now conversing quietly amongst themselves as the latter slowly ran her fingers through Draco's silky blond hair.
Meanwhile, Draco was thumbing through the book again and offering a snide comment every so often.
"What is it?"
Hermione looked strangely amused, "Do you own a book called Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches?"
Ron thought about it for a second before he shook his head. "Don't reckon so. Don't really think I'd need one either - not with Bill, Charlie and the Twins for siblings. Why did you ask?"
"Apparently we only got together after you read the book in question."
A snicker broke out from Draco's direction.
Ron threw his brother-in-law a dirty look.
"Mom, all the other stuff that happened in this book is correct, isn't it?" asked Ben from his spot on the floor, where he was reading another copy of Deathly Hallows.
"Mostly," Hermione flipped through her copy, "Although I have noted some inaccuracies every now and then."
"You know what?" remarked Harry conversationally, "I'd never thought I'd say that, but Voldemort wasn't all that bad."
Draco blinked before turning to Hermione, "Are his delusions contagious?" he asked seriously.
"Bugger off, you." Harry threw a chocolate frog at Draco, which the latter snapped out of the air with a quick flick of his waist.
"It didn't really occur to me at the time-"
"Well, yes, I'm imagine getting tortured by an evil wizard and being on the verge of meeting one's maker must have mixed up your priorities," Hermione looked at Harry with a hint of exasperated amusement.
"-but reading through what happened again, I really think Voldemort thought that we'd get together as well!"
Hermione raised an eyebrow, "Harry, are you trying to say that we should have invited Voldemort to the wedding?"
"Well, I wouldn't go that far…." he trailed off.
"Just making sure."
A few minutes later…
"I think she must have gotten the wrong version of what happened during the final battle," noted Nina.
"I think so," Harry sighed, "If it had been as simple as giving Voldemort a malfunctioning wand to off him-"
"-We would have finished him off ages ago," finished Hermione.
"A malfunctioning wand! Of all the-" Draco snorted, "It would probably have been more poetic to have him run over by a muggle bus!"
"Perhaps," Hermione said non-committedly. "But there's something really bothering me about the casualties in this version."
"Why is that?" asked Ron.
"Most of the people that died in this version were present at our wedding," Hermione frowned, "Do you think she's trying to imply something?"
"No way!" Ron's eyes widened, "Even Mad-Eye bit it?"
"Yes. He bit it, as you put so eloquently, on page seventy-eight. Voldemort kills him and then Umbridge somehow gets ahold of his magical eye."
"I bet Mad-Eye'll get a kick out of that if he ever reads this version of our seventh year."
"He'll probably kick her into the Forbidden Forest," muttered Hermione - she had never really gotten over her dislike of the former High Inquisitor. "I don't really get why she decided to kill Hedwig though."
"She killed Hedwig?" Harry looked a bit shocked, "What for?"
"Maybe it's symbolic," suggested Luna.
"I don't get it."
"Neither do I," Harry added, "What do you think, Mione?"
Hermione seemed to be deep in thought although her eyes twinkled as she looked at Harry, "If she was going for symbolism, she would probably have been better off killing off someone more important, like Draco. At least that would have been sufficiently anvil-sized enough."
"Thanks." Draco looked a bit smug but then the rest of Hermione's words registered, "Wait a minute…."
Sometime later.
"Hey Ginny! Mom kills Bellatrix in this version!"
"Go Mom!" The two Weasley siblings grinned at each other.
"Yeah, about that part," Harry looked at Hermione, "Don't you think Molly sounds that woman in that movie we watched the other day?"
"Oh, you mean Ripley in Alien when she says 'Get away from her, you bitch?' "
"Well, I suppose JK had to get her inspiration from somewhere…"
"I wonder if she used something from Star Wars as well?" mused Hermione.
"Uh, I really can't imagine Voldemort speaking like Yoda..."
"I can," cut in Draco and he intoned in a booming voice, "Potter, dead you will be. Smite you with this utterly puny, defective wand I will," he paused before continuing, "Vodie I am. Have a bad fashion sense I do. Fire beautican and fashion consultant I will."
The two Potters looked at him in amazement before meeting each others eyes and breaking out into laughter.
Ron looked a bit confused by this.
Draco just shrugged.
************************************
"Blimey Hermione!" Ron was looked up with an unidentified expression on his face as Shawn pointed out a few selected sentences to him.
"What is it this time?"
"Underpants, wash…" Here Ron trailed off and started turning red.
Luna looked concerned as she leaned over and started slapping Ron's back. "Are you alright?"
"Weasley, I don't know if your parents ever taught you this, but breathing is considered to be a good thing," called out Draco as he strolled into the room and retook his seat. "Remember that!"
At this, Ron took in a large gulp of air and his face started to regain its normal color.
"I quote," Shawn suddenly announced in a highly serious voice, " 'Hermione said brightly, taking Harry's presents out of his arms as the three of them headed back upstairs. "I'm nearly done, I'm just waiting for the rest of your underpants to come out of the wash, Ron-" Ron's splutter was interrupted by the opening of a door on the first-floor landing.' "
After hearing this, a red tinge appeared on Hermione's face as her mouth opened wordlessly.
"I thought I was supposed to wash your underpants, Ron," remarked Luna.
"You are!"
"As long as we're clear on that." With that Luna turned back and resumed her conversation with Ginny.
Ron looked slightly nervously at Harry. Luckily the other was busy pondering a much deeper mystery of life - "Where does she get this stuff from?" exclaimed Harry, "Is there anything in that book that's accurate?"
"Well," Hermione said, tapping her chin with a finger, "You have to admit that she did the number of kids right…even if she did mess up who their parents were."
"She did?" Luna asked.
"In her version, Harry and Ginny had three kids, Ronald and I were gifted," sarcasm tinged the word, "with two and Draco…it only mentions his son, but he probably has a few more tucked away."
"Where? In the pocket of my cloak?"
Hermione ignored him, "So if you count the fact that Draco and Ginny currently have three kids and we have two, she was pretty spot on. She only forgot to account for the four you have with Luna."
Ron didn't look too pleased by this observation.
"Maybe they were out on an expedition to find the crumple-horned snorkack," Luna said.
Her husband gave her a smile and dropped a kiss on the top of her head, "That's probably it."
"I don't think I would have inflicted the name Albus Severus on any poor kid," Harry pretended to shudder, "Especially my own. Can you imagine trying to live up to those names? Not to mention it's still difficult not to think of Snape as a slimy git." He said the last part under his breathe.
"Of course, naming your kids Lily and James also reeks of originality," drawled Draco.
"Which is why none of my kids are named after my parents," said Harry crossly, "Well, except for Ben, but James is his middle name."
"At least nobody else got renamed," Hermione broke into the discussion, "What were they thinking? Hermione Jean? Everyone knows that my middle name is Jane!"
Draco raised his hand lazily, "I didn't know that."
"That's because you never pay attention," and with that, Hermione turned back to her book once more.
"Did I mention that Potter dies in this book and is magically resurrected?" Draco tossed out of nowhere.
"I do?"
"Wicked!" Ron grinned at Harry.
"She must have misinterpreted the part of the battle where Harry had been knocked out," Hermione said shortly, "Honestly, Harry's powerful, but he's not…" She tried to find the right word.
"A vampire?" offered Nina absentmindedly. When her mother raised an eyebrow at her, she realized what she had just said, "Just kidding."
"Someone's been watching too many Buffy episodes," thought Shawn.
"I was thinking more of 'invincible'," Hermione finished.
"Aw, Hermione," whined Harry good-naturedly.
"You're pretty close to it though," she said, giving him a quick peck on the check.
"Oh and congratulations Weasley," Draco added.
"Why?" Ron gave the blond a suspicious look.
"You managed to increase your emotional range from that of a teaspoon into a 50 mL measuring cup over the space of, hmm, fifty pages?"
"Oh, sod off."
Some time later...
"What the-"
"Ron, when the hell did you become a parselmouth?!"
"I did?"
"You did…that or you should consider a career in snake-charming."
Ron looked suitably impressed, "Well, bugger me."
"Hell no."
"Malfoy. You have a really dirty mind."
"Well, your sister likes it."
Ron gave Ginny a questioning look.
"Sorry Ron," Ginny shrugged her shoulders and gave Draco an indulgent smile, "It's all part of Drake's charm."
"Love you, Gin."
"Nutters, both of you," muttered Ron under his breathe.
*********************************************
Thanks for reading!