Disclaimers: Please see chapter 1
A/N: Hello there, again. Here's the latest chapter, in Harry's POV. Special thanks to The_Scribbler, as always, for his excellent beta work. My apologies for the readers of An In-Between Summer. The next update would be next week, I had to go away for work and I just didn't have the time. But I promise, it will be next week. Still haven't figured out my formatting problem, so please bear with me. If you know how to help, email me please. Thanks, guys.
A/N: I borrowed (with permission) the idea of the Finder from DeliverMeFromEve's "Forever Knight." It was in the chapter entitled "Rain." If you haven't read that story, please take the time to do it. It is an amazing piece of fiction.
Chapter 4 - Let Me Go
"In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, let me go
I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing?
And I know what I'm going through
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go, let me go"
- "Let Me Go", 3 Doors Down
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19th September, 2005
Harry Potter knocked soundly on the door of apartment 6B.
From inside the flat, he could hear the shuffling of feet. The door opened to reveal Hermione Granger, hair all askew, pillow marks still on her cheeks.
Harry grinned. Hermione just stood there holding the door, hand on her hip, glaring at him.
"Would you mind telling me what you're doing pounding at my door at," She broke off to glance at the clock in her living room wall, "seven bloody o'clock in the morning?"
"I took a personal day."
"Which still does not answer my question why you're here at my door, in Paris, no less , at an unholy hour on a Saturday."
Harry's grin grew wider if possible. "Happy Birthday, Hermione. Aren't you going to let me in?"
Hermione gave a long-suffering sigh, then stepped back from the door, indicating he can come inside.
"This better be good," She muttered as he passed by her.
He smirked at her. "Of course it is. And you're late." He looked at his watch, "It's already 8am in England. The shops should be opening soon."
Hermione gaped at him. "You have to be kidding me."
Harry bounced on the balls of his feet. "Nope. C'mon, 'Mione, get ready. I promise the surprise is worth it."
"We'll see." She grumbled under her breath as he half-dragged, half-pushed her back to her bedroom to urge her start preparing.
"You know, I distinctly remember you being a lot cheerier in the mornings when we were at Hogwarts."
"That was already after two cups of coffee, Harry."
"Then coffee is coming up. Go on, have your shower, I'll fix us a quick bite and take care of everything."
Hermione narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him and he tried his best to give her his most innocent smile. She said nothing as she took the towel he offered and went inside the bath.
Harry suppressed a cry of triumph as he watched her enter the bath before he turned to go to the kitchen to make the promised breakfast.
*************************
"Can you please tell me what I'm doing in the loo of the London terminal, changing into my Hogwarts uniform?"
Harry sighed. After the quick breakfast at Hermione's flat, he directed her to the International Portkey terminal to catch the 8:30 schedule back to London. Once arriving, he pulled out their old Hogwarts uniforms out of the duffel bag he was carrying and demanded that they both change into it. Harry refused to tell her why and so she was still badgering him as she changed inside the loo.
"C'mon on, Hermione. I know you're done."
She came out and Harry gulped. The uniforms were from three years ago and so the difference in fit was astoundingly obvious. The skirt was shorter on her than he remembered, displaying long, amazingly smooth, lightly tanned legs. The white oxford shirt and gray jumper hugged her upper body, displaying a figure that had sadly been hidden beneath the shapeless black robes.
Hermione looked down at herself self-consciously. "Can you pass me the robes? I look ridiculous."
"What do you mean? You look great."
"Harry, it's too small. These were from our sixth year; I've changed considerably since then."
"I won't wear the robes if you won't."
Hermione looked at him then. The uniforms were indeed from their sixth year and so were terribly fitting on both of them. He knew that the pants were at least three inches above his heel, the shirt and jumper's hem reached just a couple of inches below his belt. The sleeves were obviously too short and he had to keep three buttons at the top open just to be able to breathe comfortably.
Hermione snorted a laugh. "Hey, I don't think I look that ridiculous, do you?" He gave himself a quick glance but he was grinning madly when he looked back at her. Harry slung the duffel again on his shoulder and then offered his arm to her.
"I think you know where we're going. Shall we?"
Hermione gave him a big smile and they disapparated.
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"I can't believe it looks exactly the same." She sighed.
"You don't think it looks less scary?" Harry asked beside her, looking studiously at the Shrieking Shack.
"I think that might be because we know it's really not haunted."
"Could be."
They heard their names being shouted and they turned to see Ron walking towards them. As soon as he was near enough for them to see him properly, Harry and Hermione looked at each other and promptly lost themselves in laughter.
"Bloody Hell, Harry, did you have to spell them to be resistant to adjustment charms?" Ron complained loudly as he reached them. Harry couldn't answer him as he was still doubled up in laughter.
"Har bloody har, har. And what did you do to my robes? Mum couldn't find a single Hogwarts robe anywhere at home. Seven kids, and not a single robe!" He glared murderously at him.
Ron wasn't finished ranting though. "Of all the bloody hare brained ideas, Potter, this takes the cake." He put his hands indignantly on his waist and looked at Hermione. "Did you know he also charmed them so that I couldn't take them off once I've seen how they fit?"
Hermione was gasping for breath, clutching him as they looked at Ron. Of the three of them, he was the one who had grown the most. His pants were showing about an inch of leg above his ankle socks. His shirt and jumper ended just right above the belt, showing white skin underneath whenever he twisted his torso. The sleeve was about four inches short from the wrist. Like Harry, he opened the first few buttons of his shirt just to be able to be more comfortable. All in all, Ron looked like he was wearing uniforms that he swiped from a much younger brother or cousin.
Ron glared at both of them again. "It's really not funny, you know."
"Come on, Ron. We all look the same."
Ron only glared at him but then Harry saw him glance at Hermione and take in her appearance. Harry could almost read the thoughts running through his best mate's brain. He stiffened and blocked Ron's view of Hermione's body with his own and glowered at Ron.
"Oy, no ogling the birthday celebrant."
Ron flushed, but he just shrugged at him, grinning broadly. Hermione peeked from behind his shoulder, blushing. "How charming, Harry. I can't believe you actually defended my honor." She teased him.
Harry felt his face warm up. He didn't know what happened or why he reacted that way. The only thing he was sure of was that this was Hermione's special day. She was going through a difficult time and he took measures to ensure to make this birthday extra special. He didn't want anything to ruin it, and he'll be damned before he let anyone else make her feel embarrassed or uncomfortable today.
"It's nothing." He said, still blushing. "Shall we go to the bookstore? I know they're already open, I checked."
Hermione quirked an eyebrow at him and he blushed deeper still. His eyes dropped to the ground. "I just want everything to go as planned." He murmured.
She took his hand and gave it a squeeze. Harry raised his eyes to her and she gave him the sweetest smile. He could see the life sparkling again in those cinnamon pools and he felt wonderfully elated. He tugged her towards the bookstore.
Ron followed them silently. Once they reached the bookstore, Harry opened the door for Hermione. He moved to follow her but Ron grabbed his arm. Harry nodded at Hermione to go on without them. She made a circling motion with her hand, indicating she'll be browsing.
He turned to Ron, who was looking at him with a relieved expression.
"Thanks, mate."
He frowned. "What for?"
Ron motioned Hermione with a nudge of his head. Harry peeked inside to see her happily engrossed reading title after title. He looked back at Ron. "She needed this."
Ron silently nodded his assent and they went inside to join Hermione, both men intent on making her birthday the best day they could possibly give her.
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Harry sighed. It was the most peaceful he had ever felt in a long while.
He was lying on the grass, facing the lake, under their tree at Hogwarts.
His head was pillowed on Hermione's lap, her fingers soothingly running through his wild locks. She was sitting comfortably against the boulder while Ron was stretched out against the tree trunk. Around them were chocolate frog wrappers, half-eaten sugar quills, Bertie Bott's boxes, and a few more evidence of their stroll through memory lane.
It was a Hogsmeade weekend and so they blended, albeit a bit weirdly, through the throngs of Hogwarts students around the wizarding town. They went through all their old haunts, relieving days when they were a lot younger, when life was simpler, and they psyches were a lot less scarred. Eventually, they found themselves in Hogwarts, resting under the tree they had long considered their own.
"We should do this more often." He heard Hermione say softly.
"Dress terribly in public and embarrass ourselves horribly?" Ron quipped.
Hermione didn't take the bait. "No, spend more times like this."
Harry opened his half-closed eyes and turned his head to look at her. She looked calm, and content as she watched the squid's tentacles lazily cutting through the lake. She looked radiant.
"You look beautiful." He blurted out.
Hermione started. She blushed and turned her eyes away. "Thank you, Harry. It's nice of you to say so on my birthday."
"I'm serious. You look beautiful like this." He didn't know what he meant but as soon as she met his eyes, he knew she understood what he wanted to say. A smile played across her lips and she dipped her head down to brush her silken lips against the faded skin of his scar. "Thank you for today, Harry."
He just smiled back at her.
*********************
After dropping Hermione off at her parent's house for her dinner with her father, Harry happily apparated to his flat.
He found Ginny in his bedroom, tracing the picture of his graduation day that was resting by his bed. "Ginny, what a nice surprise."
She gave him a forced smile. "Did you have a nice time? I saw Ron this morning. He looked hilarious."
Harry's face broke into a grin. "Oh yeah, I should have taken a picture. I had a great time."
Ginny faced him squarely and he sobered at the traces of dried tears on her cheeks. "Ginny," He started. She shook her head at him. He came to her and wrapped her in his arms. "What's wrong?"
Ginny leaned back and looked him in the eyes. "Please let me go, Harry."
Harry immediately released her, thinking she was hurt. "Do you need me to take you to St. Mungo's? What happened, Gin?"
Ginny shook her head forcibly, a frantic expression marring her face. She stood up and paced in front of him. "I'm not hurt."
"What's wrong, Gin? Tell me, you're scaring me here." He pleaded with her.
Ginny looked at him again, searching his eyes for something. "I…I need you to let me go, Harry."
"I don't understand."
Tears started to fall on her cheeks. Harry panicked. He stood up and moved to go to her but Ginny's hand raised up as she took a step back from him. Harry stopped, confused.
She took a deep breath. "I can't do this anymore." She indicated with her hand that she meant the two of them.
Harry felt the air sucked out of him. To say that this was unexpected was a major understatement. He couldn't move as he stared at her, mouth agape.
"Why, Ginny? I…I don't understand. Did… Did I do something wrong?" Harry asked totally gobsmacked.
Ginny just looked at him, tears coursing down her cheeks. "No, you didn't. I…" She bowed her head. "I just think I deserve better." She whispered.
Harry's temper rose. "Better?! What are you saying, Ginny? Explain yourself! I think I deserve that at least. I think I've been a good boyfriend, haven't I? I always send you flowers; we go on dates regularly; I've never missed an occasion. I always owl you, I'm goddamned always being strong for you. I've always been there for you to run to. What more, Ginny?" His voice rose in volume with every statement as he was swept by anger and hurt.
Ginny's breath caught in a sob. "Harry, please."
"What, Ginny? Please what?!"
Ginny faced him then. "I don't want a boyfriend who only shares half his life with me. I..I'd like to think I deserve better, Harry."
Harry was stunned. He felt the bed meet his arse as strength left his legs. "I don't understand."
"You've always kept your distance with me." Ginny raised her hand to stop him as his mouth opened to deny what she said. "I don't think you even know it, Harry. But you've always guarded too much of yourself from me. It's kept us apart. It always has!"
"But…"
"I'm not finished. Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to be reminded again and again that the person you love, the one you would do anything for, says he loves you but never needs you?"
Harry shook his head. "What..."
Ginny looked at him, eyes flashing with her temper. "Do you know, Harry, that you never even told me about the prophecy?"
"That was a long time ago, Gin! It was something I didn't want to be reminded of. I can't believe this."
"That's not the point. How can you leave out something as important as that? Or what happened during the Horcrux hunt? You told me of how you missed me, yes, but have you even considered sharing what happened? I had to learn all of this from Ron and Hermione!"
"I did that to protect you!" He yelled.
"You did that because you couldn't share it with me!" She yelled back. "This is supposed to be a relationship, Harry. We're supposed to share all aspects of our lives, not edited portions of it!"
Ginny took a deep breath. "I gave you everything, Harry. I told you everything that happened from the time you left after Bill's wedding till we saw each other again at the Room of Requirement. You shared my life even if you weren't there. I trusted you enough to show you who I am. I gave it all, what more do you need for you to trust me?"
Harry felt like his head was going to explode. "I…" He looked at her and his gaze softened. "I do trust you, Ginny."
Tears were running down her cheeks again. "But not enough to let me in."
"It was another time, Ginny. They weren't particularly happy times, and I was a different person back then."
"But you can tell Hermione about it." She said bitterly.
Harry looked at her with betrayed hurt in his eyes. That sort of comment was something he expected from someone else; certainly, not from Ginny. She seemed to realize what she said though and looked instantly apologetic. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for."
"She's your friend, too, Ginny." He said accusingly.
"I'm really sorry, Harry."
Harry turned his head away from her. Everything was happening so fast, he had no idea how to catch up. He had been so happy that morning, only to have this dropped on him suddenly. "Ginny."
"I can't even apparate directly to your flat with you adjusting the wards first." She whispered.
Harry flushed. He didn't know what to say to that.
"Do you think I don't know you're having trouble sleeping? Do you really think I don't know about the nightmares? There's a dreamless sleep potion right beside your bed, Harry. There's always been a vial of that potion by your bed ever since we got together."
"I didn't want you to see the nightmares, Gin. It's not pretty." He said pleadingly.
Ginny laughed bitterly. "Do you really think that, Harry? Why, do you think they'll make me think less of you, worship you less?"
"If you had really wanted to know about it, Ginny, you would have insisted more. You seem to know a lot about the nightmares, why didn't you let me know before? Or are you too afraid of what you might see when you finally see me thrashing in the middle of the night, whimpering like a scared little child?" Harry snarled at her.
Ginny reddened and averted her eyes. "I don't like who I am anymore, Harry. I'm becoming this obsessed, weak, pathetic creature whose only desire in life is to please you. I can't even choose a job yet, I'm too busy trying to be your girlfriend to look through my job offers."
Harry was stricken by what she said. His heart felt like it was painfully squeezed by the knowledge that he was hurting the person he strived hardest to protect. His head fell into his hands, stilling the tears that were threatening to fall.
"Harry," Ginny's voice held a note of desperation. "Please. Let me go."
Harry fought against the tears. He refused to let them fall, knowing they'll only serve to hurt her more. Inwardly struggling for control, he raised his head to look at her.
"I…I don't have the strength to leave you. I'm sorry, Harry. Please." Her eyes were begging him. "Save me, one last time." She whispered almost inaudibly.
Harry swallowed his hurt and wretchedly pushed the tears back down. He prayed to whatever Gods were listening for strength.
"It's over, Gin." He said softly to her.
**************************
Harry walked faster. He couldn't get away from the image of Ginny lying on the floor crying despondently from out of his head.
He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to go to Hermione; he knew she was still having dinner with her father. And he didn't really want to ruin her day. Not after he'd seen how happy she was after their Hogsmeade outing. He ended up on one of the park benches, hiding out under the cover of the new moon.
The words he and Ginny exchanged played over and over in his head. He felt so hurt and angry, mostly at himself. He couldn't imagine how he had managed to do the very thing he had sworn to protect Ginny against. Now, in the cover of darkness, he had to face the fact that in trying too hard to protect her, he had inadvertently managed to hurt her even more. He grabbed his hair, as if to tear his pain out.
He stood up and apparated to the Leaky Cauldron.
"Tom, can I use your floo please?"
"Of course, Harry. It's out back." The friendly bartender smiled at him.
Harry threw the green powder into the fireplace. "The Burrow!" Harry waited a moment, and then stuck his head into the green flames. "Ron!"
Ron scrambled into view, clothes askew. "Harry! What's the matter?"
"Can you meet me at the Three Broomsticks in ten minutes?"
"Are you ok? What's wrong?"
Harry's voice cracked. "Please, Ron."
"Of course, mate. I'll see you there."
**********************************
"I broke up with Ginny." Harry said softly.
"What? Why'd you do that?" Ron was stunned.
They've been at the Three Broomsticks, sipping glasses of Firewhiskey for about three hours. Apparently imbibing enough alcohol, Harry finally plucked the courage to tell Ron why he asked him so abruptly to meet him.
"I…I think I wasn't good enough for her anymore."
Ron turned red. "You bloody wanker! What did you do to my kid sister?"
"I have no idea, Ron. I did everything I could to keep her safe and happy." He commiserated.
Ron didn't say anything. He took another sip of the whiskey. "She asked you to break up with her didn't she?"
Harry looked at Ron suspiciously. "How did you know that? Did she tell you?"
Ron scowled. "No. I know you, Harry, and I know my sister."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Ron rolled his eyes. "Well, obviously it wasn't your idea since you don't know why you split. And you said it was you who broke up with her."
"You can understand this even after three glasses of Firewhiskey?" Harry peered at him. "Who are you and what have you done to my best friend?"
"What the hell am I here, the bloody comic relief?" Ron sputtered. "You and Hermione are a pair of arses, you know that? She said exactly the same thing and all I was doing was trying to help her too."
"Yeah, Hermione and I are the saddest pair of arses I know. Cheers to that, mate."
"Sod off, Harry." Ron said though he did clink his glass with Harry's own, taking a huge gulp.
"I don't think I'll ever understand how women's minds work." Ron said.
"Cheers to that, mate." He replied, raising his glass.
*****************************
Harry had no idea how they managed to drink almost a third of that bottle of Firewhiskey. He also had no idea what he was doing skulking around in Hermione's parents' house. He found himself underneath her window, trying to get a glimpse of conscious life from inside the room.
Rummaging in the dark, he grasped a small pebble. Aiming haphazardly, he threw the pebble to her window. Not having complete control, he threw it too strong and heard the pane crack.
"Ooops." He giggled.
"What in the world? Harry?" Hermione's head stuck out the window, trying to see him in the dark.
"Hi, Hermione." He waved at her.
"Harry, what are you doing here? Do you have any idea what time it is?" She whispered furiously in the dark.
"Can I come up?"
"Oh, for heaven's sake." He heard her exclaim. "Go on to the front door, I'll come get you."
Harry staggered towards the front door. A minute later, the door opened. Hermione took one look at him. "You're drunk."
"Just a bit."
She sighed. Then she took one of his arms and guided him up the stairs to her room. Once there, she took off his jacket and motioned him sit on the bed. She took off his shoes then turned the covers over. Harry moved to lie on the right side, as he knew she favored the left side of the bed. He turned over to face her on his side, only to find that she had slipped under the blanket and was already facing him.
"So?" She whispered.
"I broke up with Ginny." He said flatly.
Hermione gasped. She took one of his hands and held it in the middle of the bed, hers covering his.
"I didn't even see it coming. She just surprised me with it."
"Don't lie to yourself, Harry." She said softly.
He fell silent. He sighed.
"Okay, so I knew things weren't terribly right for a long time now. But I thought we could talk about it. Like normal people."
"Oh, Harry."
"I think, that was it. We never really talked, Ginny and I. We were always doing something; snogging, Quidditch, or participating in the middle of a Weasley family occasion. We've never really sat down one quiet afternoon and just talked."
"What did she say to you, Harry?"
He dropped his eyes. "She…she told me she doesn't want half a boyfriend. I don't even know what that means. She said I don't tell her things, that I'm keeping her at arm's length. She said she doesn't like that her whole life revolves around me."
"Listen to me." Hermione's voice was laced with steel. Harry raised his eyes at her.
"I know you, Harry. You didn't hurt her." Harry averted his eyes again. "Don't berate yourself for something that she chose. I can't believe it; she made you break up with her didn't she?"
"How did you know?" He asked quietly.
"I know you. And I know Ginny. She won't break up with you, she can't. But if she wasn't happy, she can ask you do it for her. Now, she's the damsel in distress dumped by her fairytale prince. She can happily move on now, feeling completely justified because you broke up with her." Hermione said vehemently.
"This isn't just your fault, Harry. Don't let her make you believe that. Things like these," She broke off.
She continued in a fevered whisper, almost as if she was talking to herself. "It happens, Harry. You don't know when it started. But you start doing things you know deep down is wrong because you want them to be happy with you. And you keep on doing it until you forget it was wrong in the first place. And now, when it's all fallen apart, you're left with nothing but doubts and a shadow of who you thought you were."
Harry's throat constricted with tears. Hermione just stared at him, her hand covering hers. And finally, they fell down his cheeks silently.
He didn't make a sound. He just let everything flow out of his eyes and onto her pillow. After a few moments, none were left.
Harry felt cleansed.
He moved his hand to caress her cheek. "Hermione," He said softly. He brought his hand down in the middle of the bed again, this time, his hand covering hers.
They talked of nothing and everything, just facing each other on her bed. In time, the alcohol and fatigue got to Harry and his voice became sluggish and his words a bit slurred.
"You have to go to sleep, Harry." Hermione admonished him gently.
"Wait, I haven't given your present yet."
"The Hogsmeade visit was enough for me, Harry. It meant more than I can say."
"But that's not a gift. Hold on." Harry took out a small velvet box from his pocket and gave it to her. Hermione accepted it silently but didn't open it. She looked at him again.
"Go on, open it." He urged. Hermione opened the velvet box and found what looked like a compass on a chain. The chain had a clip on the end, with teeth, so it could be attached to anything. The compass itself was set in a simple elegant design of gleaming silver, but its face was a fairy tale dream of cows jumping over the moon, blackbirds in a pie, Georgie Porgie kissing girls and Jack jumping over the candlestick. There were more images that moved about, the scenery changing at every turn.
"Oh, Harry, it's a Finder! I love it! However did you get one? I heard these are extremely rare."
Harry grinned stupidly at the childlike enthusiasm on Hermione's face. She was examining it more closely, the needle turning continuously with the symbols for North, South, East, and West also moving.
"So you know how it works?"
"Of course. It's supposed to be able to find whatever you're looking for. It still has its limits like distance and magical protection, of course, or things you haven't seen before. But there are always ways around that, you just have to find ways to outsmart the Finder and make it work for you. Oh, you shouldn't have gotten me this, Harry. It must be terribly expensive."
"I wanted you to have one." Harry stifled a yawn.
"But why? It's handy, I know, but it's still too expensive a gift to give me."
"Hermione, I bought that for you. I even signed an autograph and gave that snitch from the first time we won the Quidditch cup to a guy from the Unspeakables to charm the thing to work in a radius of roughly the size of England."
Harry briefly caressed her cheek. He could feel an alcohol induced sleep starting to claim him.
He covered her hand again with his. "You're only been to Paris for a month but I've missed you terribly. And I'm always so worried about you living so far away. I gave you the Finder to make extra sure you can always find me." He said sluggishly, his eyes starting to droop.
"I don't want you to ever lose me." He managed to murmur as sleep finally overtook his tired brain.
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