Disclaimers: Please see Chapter 1
A/N: Thanks again for all the support, guys. It's been a fab ride. I still haven't figured out my format problem. If you want me to email you a copy in my formats, please email me at angel.of.isis@gmail.com. Special thanks again to The_Scribbler for the excellent beta work. I've also uploaded the Epilogue, hope you guys enjoyed my little fic!
Chapter 5 - Ever the Same
"We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding me
Like someone broken
And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now
Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down
Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you, forever in me
Ever the same
We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken
Hey, look at us, man
This doesn't need to be the end
Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down
Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you, forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same
You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden, I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
And I can only give you love
Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you, forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same"
- Ever the Same, Rob Thomas
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24th December, 2005
Harry watched the full moon shining down brightly that Christmas Eve. The silver moonlight touched everything gently, making the snow glisten with an ethereal glow.
It was already quiet at the Tonks' residence. His godson, Teddy Lupin, had been put to bed hours before. Andromeda had excused herself not too long after, leaving him to enjoy the warmth of the fire on the living room. Feeling restless, he went outside to contemplate the silence of the night.
After Remus died, Harry had taken to spending Christmas Eve with his godson and Andromeda. Ginny and Mrs. Weasley had been a bit miffed at the tradition he started at first, but he was adamant that he do everything in his power to make his godson's Christmases special. It had been one of the points of contention between him and Ginny.
Ginny. Three months into their break-up, thinking about her still produced a dull ache that he suspected would not ever go away. Ginny had been his escape at a time when everything was such a burden for him. He let her feisty nature distract him from the responsibilities he had faced at such a young age. She was the promise of a reward after almost a lifetime of difficulties. And he had done his best to preserve that escape. He refused to taint her with any of the horrendous realities he had discovered after Sirius died. And he had strived even more to keep her away from the fighting, thanking the Gods for Mrs. Weasley's determination to send her to school despite Ron leaving with him for the Horcrux hunt.
When Voldemort was finally defeated, he expected to feel an indescribable feeling of release. What he didn't expect was the feeling of loss and regret. Sacrifices, great sacrifices had been made to achieve victory. Parents, friends, brothers, sons and daughters had been lost in the fight; people who would only be mourned and talked about from then on.
People everywhere had been celebrating the end of war. In each of the parties they went to, Harry had inadvertently felt removed from the happiness that was palpable from everyone. He couldn't figure out why. It was his celebration, if he thought about it. Voldemort was defeated and his life was his to live again. And yet, all he felt was loss. He had no idea what to do now, or where to go. Confronted with the possibility of choices in his life, Harry was stumped at the realization that he did not know what he truly wanted to do. Decisions, it seemed, was easier to accomplish when in the face of life and death situations.
Forced to a standstill, wounds unseen and ignored had bled anew. Emotional wounds he had disregarded before had festered and spread without his knowledge. Not knowing what to do, he had grasped at anything he could that resembled a normal life. He went back to Ginny and had thrown himself at Hermione's improvised classes then. He worked hard to be an Auror, and together with Ron and Hermione, vowed to change the Ministry bit by bit to ensure that the sacrifices of war would never be forgotten.
In striving to be normal, he had boxed his relationship with Ginny, he realized now. He had unconsciously limited what she could know about him and what he could share with her. The things he had seen, the nightmares, anything that he had associated with his life before Voldemort died was never to taint the rose-colored life he had with her.
He had heard it said once that Ginny never did lose her adoration of him as the Boy-Who-Lived and thus their relationship was doomed from the start because of her. What not many people realized was that he never did see her as anything besides the girl who held the promise of a normal life. She just represented what he so wanted that he never did really see who she was. Harry knew what kind of life he wanted with her but he had never asked his supposed ideal girl what she had wanted. He had dominated their relationship too much, controlled it too tight in fear of what would happen lest he become less vigilant. And she had let him. Harry shook his head. Though it hurt him when she asked him to let her go, Harry had seen how she had lost herself in their relationship. And despite being unhappy and discontent in their relationship, Harry knew that he would never have asked for the break-up first. He just didn't have the heart to hurt her so deliberately. He had really loved Ginny when they were together; and yet, he can't help but wonder how he could truly love someone he never knew. He concluded that both he and Ginny had done what she could to make the relationship work but it had been become unhealthy for either of them for quite a long time already. It was right that they had ended their relationship at a point where they still had an idea of who they are and not when they had totally lost each other completely. Hermione was right; you never really know when these things happen.
Now, Hermione was a different issue altogether. Harry sighed. How he longed for times when he never thought of Hermione as an issue. But she was one now, and he wouldn't have it any other way.
Harry wasn't stupid; he knew something was happening between them. Since splitting up with Ginny, he spent almost every weekend in Paris with her; Sometimes, popping up even during the week to have the odd lunch or dinner with her. Hermione had Sirius' communication mirrors fixed and had given it to him on his birthday together with a snapshot of them with Dobby in the Room of Requirement. He promptly gave the other mirror to her when she moved, telling her sternly to call anytime she needed someone to talk to, assuring her that he'll do the same. Any time, apparently, meant almost every night with them. Somehow, it had become a habit they couldn't break. Sometimes, Harry would see an interesting book and would call her on the mirror just to ask if she wanted him to buy it for her. He really didn't know where they were headed for now, but each meeting between them had held a note of promise growing bigger and bigger. Each touch, each call, each look was suddenly so special between them even though they both realized that they had actually been doing it half their lives to each other.
However, he also knew that Hermione carried her own scars. He could only imagine her nightmares since Bellatrix had tortured her at Malfoy Manor. Her screams then were still a presence in his dreams. Harry sighed again; how he had wanted her to spend Christmas Eve with him. But he knew, her father and her still needed each other to get through this holiday.
Harry looked up at the full moon again. Thinking about Hermione always calmed him down, a quietly happy feeling so unfamiliar before had become a constant companion to his thoughts of her. He stared at the moon, trying to reach out to her. He stilled. His brow furrowed for some reason, and he knew that he had to go to her.
************************
Harry went to Hermione's house and finding she had left, he knew, without a doubt, where she had gone.
He found her standing in front of her mother's tombstone, arms wrapped around herself. She looked so frail and vulnerable; his arms ached to hold her.
He stopped about three feet from her, not wanting to disturb her yet knowing she knew he was there. "Hermione." He called her softly.
She raised her head to look at him and his throat constricted from the pain he saw in them.
"Why won't they stop, Harry? Why can't I escape the memories?" She asked him despairingly.
Harry couldn't move. A wave of guilt suffused him. He knew, part of her suffering was a result of who he was.
"I don't know." He said.
"I'm just so tired of pretending I can handle this. I haven't been able to sleep straight since it happened."
Harry slowly walked towards her. He raised her chin so he can look her in the eyes. He caressed her cheek. "You don't always have to be so strong, you know."
"But I have to be." She replied, her eyes misting. "I've always been the one with the answers. I've always been the one with the plan. How could it have happened? Why didn't I know they weren't safe yet?"
He just stared at her. "You can't be prepared for everything. As much as you try to protect everyone you love, they can still get hurt. I know, I've tried." He gave her a wry smile.
She dropped her eyes to the marble marker. "Every night I see her. I hear her screams as they crucio'd her."
"I always hear yours." He half-whispered.
Hermione raised her eyes to his again. Harry leaned over and brushed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "You, who have always been so strong", he said tenderly. His lips traveled over her eyes, placing a butterfly kiss on each. "You, who've always taken care of me." He moved his head to the left side of her face and brushed his lips on the apple of her cheek. "You, who've always been at my side."
Harry pulled back and looked deeply into her infinite eyes. "Trust me, now, to be here for you."
His lips finally met hers. Softly, tenderly; the kiss promising to the other that they always be there for each other. Harry opened his mouth slightly, moving over hers, coaxing her in slowly.
A hundred different memories flashed behind his closed lids. When they first met; when their eyes first spoke silently to each other that time she lied for them after they had saved her from the troll; the feel of his first hug coming from her; her annoyance every time he had slacked off; her arms around him as they rode Buckbeak to save Sirius; the belief in her eyes when he told her he didn't put his name in the goblet; how she looked at the Yule Ball; him and her running from the centaurs after tricking Umbridge; how she had stayed with him in the woods as their best friend left them to the unknown; how she had stood at Dobby's funeral despite her injuries.
Each image of Hermione in his memories coalesced into the amazing young woman in front of him as he caressed her lips with his.
He felt the first drop of her tears on his cheek. Pulling back, he saw them running down silently. He put his arms fully around her, placing her face against his chest, and she finally gave in to the tears and cried.
Crying women had always been a problem for him. Crying women made him break out in a sweat; they made him nervous and feel inadequate.
But this was Hermione. She wasn't just any woman. She had been by his side through everything. They've fought evil and each other. They've shared horrors no nineteen and twenty year olds should have known.
He thought he needed to escape for him to feel peace. But there surrounded by tombstones commemorating lives lost and remembered; he held the person who had always been there through everything. And he felt he had finally come home.
Hermione's sobs racked her petite frame. More than a year's worth of doubts and remorse were released in the presence of the one person who had always accepted her for who she was. She finally let herself feel the pain and the helplessness as she had watched while errant Death Eaters broke into her home and tortured her mother to death while they bound her. Her confidence in her abilities and magic shaken by the memory of what she had been unable to protect. She let Harry's presence be her companion as she faced her fears.
Her cries echoed across the cemetery. Harry caught her as her strength failed to support her weight; both of them falling to their knees on the soft, green grass. Harry cooed incomprehensible words of comfort that touched her soul as no one else's could.
Harry's tears soon followed her own. Tears for lost opportunities and for the premature loss of their childhood and innocence coursed through their cheeks mingling together as they had faced countless obstacles in their young lives.
***********************
Harry took Hermione back to his flat as soon as she managed to calm down. He laid her down softly on his bed, taking great care to take off her shoes and her coat. He pulled the covers, placing her under the warmth of his winter blanket.
Taking off his own coat and shoes, he joined her and enveloped her in his arms. She hasn't said a word since leaving the cemetery. Her arms tightened on his waist and he kissed the top of her head.
"Harry," Her voice was scratchy from crying. Her eyes were puffy from her collapse earlier.
He replied, "Yes, Love?"
She raised her head to look at him. A thousand words were exchanged from that single look they exchanged. "How did you know how to find me?" She asked softly. She made a try for levity. "Did you get a Finder for yourself?"
Harry didn't smile back. He took one of her hands and placed it above his heart. "I always know where you are." He whispered. He gave her a small half-smile. "We're a sad lot, you and I. It had to take us several tragedies to realize what we needed was right in front of us. It was you all along, Hermione."
Her eyes held an unspeakable sadness. "Do you really think this is right, after all these years?"
Harry's eyes were solemn as he tried to convey the sincerity of his words. "I looked for normal. I looked everywhere for what will define me besides the destiny I had been born with. I thought I found it in Ginny, I thought I had found an escape from who I was and what I had been through."
He tucked a stray strand of her behind her ear, tenderness stealing over his face. "What I've realized is that you can't really run from who you are. The horrors, along with the good times, make us who we are now. How can I really regret the mistakes and bad memories if they had been the ones that have shaped me who I am today? How can I regret the very things that had thrust me into a path where I met someone who not only had been there with me through everything, but who had already accepted me - bad temper and all - before I had even accepted myself?"
Tears fell down her face again. "Don't cry, Hermione. Everything that had happened, I think, was necessary for us to go through. It wasn't our time yet then. We were too young, and we weren't ready to accept certain truths."
"I thought I was supposed to be the smart one between the two of us. I had always been the one explaining all these to you, supporting you." Her face curved into a wry smile.
"You have been there, and you had been my support. I needed you to be that for me then. But you need me now. I can be strong for you too, the same way you had been for me. It's because of your strength that I can catch you now when you need it most."
Hermione dipped her head and touched her lips with his. Harry slipped his tongue to touch hers and she opened her mouth without hesitation. Her tongue reached out to touch his.
Souls thrust too early into reality met and slowly repaired the scars of duties and expectations with each swipe and caress. Harry gently snaked her hand to cradle her nape, pulling her ever so softly closer.
This was not a result of ideals or blind hope. This was an acceptance between two people who had seen each other through the worst and who had supported both to reach greatness that had saved and touched countless others.
Harry removed his mouth from hers, eliciting a small whimper of protest from Hermione. He moved over her face, placing soft kisses and memorizing each curve, each dip. Hermione closed her eyes from his intense study.
He glided his hand down her side, pausing subtly on the side of her breast. Hermione breathed in sharply and unconsciously leaned her body closer to his, her hand moving up to place gentle pressure on his chest.
Clothes were slowly removed as they bared themselves to each other. No pretenses, no masks - just a man and a woman seeing each other in the most natural way with the bright moonlight chasing away the shadows that had covered imperfections they had hidden from everyone else.
Harry shifted her beneath him, his lips traversing the silken path from her cheek down her neck, caressing the curvature of her collarbone. He swiped his tongue at her pulse point, earning a gasp of pleasure. Each touch was sending a jolt of electricity all through his body.
He pulled back a little as he moved down and raised his hand to cover her left breast. He met her stare, watching him through half-lidded eyes as he kneaded her flesh. Not breaking eye contact, he lowered his mouth and tasted her. Her back arched, her hand coming up to grasp his head, pushing herself closer. Harry laved her breast lovingly, sucking gently, circling his tongue around the hardened peak. He repeated his actions to her other breast, his other hand coming up to replace his ministrations.
His free hand travelled soothingly down, down to her point of passion. He groaned when his fingers met her wet heat, her moan increasing in volume as he spread her juices around her folds.
"Harry."
He inserted a finger inside her and mentally repressed the urge for release as her inner muscles clamped on him. His thumb stroked her nub as he added another digit, moving faster as her hips moved against his hand. Her breaths were coming in faster. Harry raised his head to watch her reach her peak, a glorious moan escaping her lips as her body bowed to the pleasure.
Her eyes opened to meet his. "Please." Her right hand grabbed his head down to kiss him hungrily. Her left moved to his waist and urged him to move in between her legs.
Hermione opened herself to feel him positioned at her entrance. She grabbed his buttocks as she goaded him forward. Their eyes met as he slowly pushed into her, each letting out a small groan as he finally filled her fully.
Harry moved and Hermione met him thrust for thrust; their eyes never leaving each other. Neither made any loud sounds; save for small moans of ecstasy at the feeling of finally coming home to each other. It was almost silent, as deep and personal as the looks they had exchanged over the years of their childhood.
As they both felt the end coming near, they broke their stare for their mouths to meet. Their tongues tangling as their bodies reached a culmination borne from years of shared history. Neither was aware of anything beyond the feel of the other's body sharing their own.
Collapsing together, Hermione snuggled on Harry's chest, his arms enveloping her as if to protect her from the outside world that had demanded too much too soon.
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It was with the sun peeking on the horizon that Harry was awakened by a small whimper. Waking up with all his senses alert, he looked down on Hermione's face to find it scrunched in an expression of remembered pain.
"Mum, no, please, it's not her fault. Flint, no!" Her shoulder twitched as if her hands were still bound behind her.
Harry quickly gathered her in his arms, shaking her gently awake. "Hermione," He whispered as he stroked her hair. "Hermione, wake up, it's just a dream, Love."
She jerked away from his arms, snapping into consciousness but he maintained his hold on her. Her glazed eyes cleared as she woke fully from her nightmare. Once she registered that it was Harry holding her, she grabbed him and buried her head in his chest.
She let out an angry sob. "Why isn't it going away? You're here with me. I'm so sorry, Harry. I've become such an emotional wreck!" She ranted, disgusted by her weakness.
"It's not going to go away just like that, Love. We all need time to heal." He said soothingly into her hair, inhaling her unique scent. "What matters is that I'm here to be with you as you go through this."
She fell silent. "I feel so lost, Harry. I can't believe I didn't know, or even suspected. I can't imagine how it must have been for you to live through this over and over again." She looked gently at him. She raised her hand lovingly, to brush his hair from his forehead. "You've been so strong. I can't imagine how you do it."
Harry cradled her cheek. "I didn't do it alone. Whether I realized it or not, I had always come to you. You and Ron, you both were my strength. But you, only with you was I allowed to be weak. You allowed me to have fears, you allowed me to have dreams. You allowed me to be me."
She looked at him with saddened eyes. "I'm not this mythical girl you're talking about, Harry. I'm just me."
"I know." He kissed her softly and gave her a gentle half-smile. "You're bossy. A terrible nag, sometimes. You need to be right almost all the time, you demand perfection from everyone and you've been known to be impatient with people who do not see things the same way as you do."
He lifted up her hands to his lips. "But you're the most loyal person I've ever known. You have a lot of fears and yet you've faced each and everyone with me because you believed what we were doing was right. That is true bravery for me." His lips showered her face again with gentle kisses. "You're the most brilliant person I know, you could do anything you want. And yet you choose to use your intelligence to crusade for beings that are treated unfairly and cannot fight for themselves. You're eyes light up when you learn something new, but they sparkle even more when you see a person you love happy. You've worked so hard to make the world a better place and yet all you ask for in return is to create a life with someone who would accept you for you."
Her eyes softened as she listened to his words. "When did you become so wonderfully eloquent?"
He gave a soft laugh. "Only with you, Love. I'm still the same bumbling Harry you met at the Express." He smiled at her. "But you, you make me feel like I'm so free. I can say what I want and won't be judged and analyzed for each syllable I say."
He gathered her in his arms. "Besides, you need to hear the words you usually can just see in my eyes." He placed a soft kiss on her head. "And I can be that for you; with you. Though maybe not all the time" He looked down at her and gave her a wink. "I do have my moments."
Hermione reached up and touch her lips caressingly on his own. "I love you." She said softly.
"And I love you."
Unable to go back to sleep, they watched silently as the sun rise. Hermione's head was cradled in the nook of Harry's neck, one hand on his chest, the other wrapped around his waist. Harry just held her, just letting his presence soothe her tired soul as they greet a new day together.