Disclaimer: If I were JKR, this really would have happened in DH (minus the smutty part). But I'm not JKR because I'm not stupid and I don't think romance consists of blazing looks and chest monsters.
Author's Note: This is fluff with no real plot whatsoever. Inspired by a comment madderbrad made on my fic journal that it really is ridiculous that Harry would never even consider Hermione as a romantic possibility, never wonder if she could be more than just his best friend.
Well, in my world, Harry is smarter than JKR makes him out to be. A chapter in which absolutely nothing is said, given it takes place mostly in Harry's mind-and in certain other parts of his body (but I promise there's no chest monster.)
AU, obviously. Enjoy!
Everything to Him
Part 1: Noticing
He could never tell when it started.
It wasn't like with Cho or, even, with Ginny. There was no moment he could pinpoint, no reason for it, no specific thing about her he noticed.
She was just always there, his best friend-his best girl friend-and somehow, some way, he started to notice.
Maybe it was natural-inevitable, even-that after spending so much time together, so much time together in small places, so much time together, working together, talking together, even laughing together-maybe it was natural that he would start to notice her like that.
He was a teenage boy and she was a girl and maybe it was inevitable that he would start to notice. He'd always known she was a girl, always known she was, in her own way, quite pretty-but it had been sort of a peripheral knowledge, not something he ever thought about. She was only Hermione, his best friend, had always only been Hermione, his best friend-and one simply didn't think about best friends like that. Even less so when said best friend was also the girl his other best friend fancied.
He couldn't-he shouldn't-he didn't know why he was-but he couldn't help it.
He'd always known she was a girl-but now he noticed it.
He couldn't tell what he first noticed or when or even why; it wasn't as if she started acting differently or doing anything different. Nothing changed about her to make him start noticing-he just did.
He noticed the slim lines of her figure, the curve of her hips and-and, well, her upper body.
He noticed her skin-had it always looked so smooth and… soft?
He noticed her mouth-noticed the pinkness of her lips, noticed the shape of them, noticed that her lower lip was just infinitesimally fuller than her upper lip and it made her lips look… look… kissable was the only word that darted into his mind-and that terrified him.
He could not-he should not-be thinking about Hermione's lips like that-should not be wondering what it might be like to kiss her… He shouldn't be thinking about Hermione like that at all.
He shouldn't-but he was.
And he couldn't seem to stop noticing her.
He noticed every time she smiled at him, noticed what seeing her smile did to his insides, making them feel… odd…
He just noticed her.
He tried to tell himself it was only physical-only one of those natural things from his being a boy and her being a girl and it didn't matter, wasn't important. It wasn't like he really fancied her like that; he couldn't. He couldn't really fancy her; there was Ginny and Ginny was the girl he fancied and cared about in that way, he knew that.
She had to be-he remembered how he'd felt when he kissed her for the first time in the Common Room, remembered what seeing that "blazing" look of hers had done to his insides, remembered what it had felt like to kiss her and touch her… It had to be Ginny whom he fancied like that.
Only Ginny wasn't there; he and Ron and Hermione were alone, searching for the horcruxes and Ginny wasn't there.
Ginny wasn't there-but Hermione was.
That was really it, he told himself. It had to be. That was the reason he'd suddenly started noticing Hermione like that. It was because he missed Ginny, wanted to be with Ginny-but Ginny wasn't there and Hermione was and so of course he'd start to notice Hermione as the only girl around…
It made perfect sense. It should make perfect sense.
He wanted to be with Ginny, wanted to have a girl to kiss and touch and… and just notice like that.
And it didn't help that Ron did have a girl to kiss and touch.
He wasn't sure exactly when or how it happened; he'd always been sort of expecting it to happen, but now it had happened and Ron and Hermione were… together. Ron could-and he did-touch Hermione in a more-than-friendly way (nothing very obvious because Hermione wouldn't let him, not when Harry was around, but enough that Harry noticed; it wasn't as if Ron had ever touched Hermione before even in a platonic way. It was just in the way his hand lingered on her shoulder or how he sometimes touched her hair lightly in passing or how he occasionally put his hand on her knee). Ron could-and he did-kiss Hermione, generally on the cheek but sometimes, Harry walked in on them snogging-and then they'd leap apart, Hermione blushing hotly and not quite able to meet his gaze for a while afterwards.
Maybe that was it. Maybe that was why he suddenly started to notice Hermione like that. Because he couldn't not notice Hermione's skin when her cheeks were flushed like that, couldn't not notice how soft her hair looked when Ron's hand touched it occasionally, couldn't not notice her lips when he saw Ron kiss them or when he saw them slightly swollen from Ron's kiss.
And he missed Ginny.
Maybe that was it, why he'd suddenly started to notice Hermione like that, because he missed Ginny and Ron and Hermione were together and-and he had no one.
It made perfect sense.
Only-it didn't.
Because he didn't really miss Ginny all that much. It would have been nice, sure, to have her there if only because it would mean he didn't need to feel so much like a third wheel when Ron and Hermione wanted to be alone-but he didn't really miss her. He missed having a girl to kiss and touch and cuddle with-but that really was only physical. That had nothing to do with Ginny specifically. But he didn't miss talking to Ginny-had he ever really talked to Ginny? He didn't miss spending time with Ginny-all he could really remember doing in the little time they had spent together was snog, for some reason, even though at the time, it had felt like more…
He didn't understand it, didn't like himself for feeling it-but he didn't miss Ginny, not really.
And that made him wonder-how could Ginny be the girl he really fancied, cared about, if he didn't even miss her that much?
He had fancied her for her hair and her eyes and her prettiness-but even when he'd fancied her, he'd never really talked to her about anything important, never really shared much with her. He'd never needed to; he had Ron and Hermione to talk to, to share things with, and that was fine because they were his best friends and who else would he talk to?
But now-now he noticed Hermione like that.
Now, he started to feel his stomach twist, an odd, disagreeable feeling rather like he was going to be sick, when he saw Ron touch Hermione-and the twisting sensation was only stronger when he saw Ron kiss Hermione.
He wanted to know if Hermione's skin really felt as soft and smooth as it looked, wanted to know what it would feel like to touch her hair, wanted to know what it would be like to kiss her…
He'd known, vaguely, that she was pretty-but now he noticed it. Noticed… everything… Noticed the way she smiled at him, noticed the way she sometimes put a hand on his arm or on his shoulder in passing, tiny, little gestures of friendship which she'd been doing for years but he'd never really noticed them before and now he did; now he felt them all…
She had always been there, just Hermione, just his best friend-but now she was also that girl. That girl who haunted his daydreams and his dreams at night too, that girl who distracted him just by her presence…
He shouldn't-he knew he shouldn't-he couldn't-she was his best friend, she was his other best friend's girlfriend-but he couldn't help it. He just… noticed her now and he couldn't help but wonder… what would it be like to kiss her, touch her hair and her skin?
Bu what terrified him most of all was not that he noticed her now-he'd noticed Cho in that way, noticed Ginny in that way, and it hadn't terrified him. But that had been physical-and they hadn't been his best friends so there hadn't been as much to lose.
Even with Ginny, he realized now, it had been physical; it had been about her hair and her eyes and her figure; it had been about the way she looked but it hadn't been about her.
He hadn't wanted to talk to Ginny about things, hadn't wanted to ask her things or turn to her when he was in trouble; he'd wanted her to make him feel like a normal boy, one who could just snog a girl he fancied and have fun and not worry about things like Death Eaters and Voldemort and danger.
But he'd known, even as he wanted it, that he couldn't be that normal boy. He couldn't be that normal boy-but when he'd been with Ginny, he'd let himself forget it, let himself pretend.
But now-now he couldn't forget, now he couldn't pretend or hide or deny it. Now this was a war and with Dumbledore gone, it was up to him. And he didn't need Ginny for that, didn't even want Ginny to be involved with it; she never had been before; she couldn't and she didn't really understand…
But Hermione did-Hermione had always been there with him, had been his best friend and the one he trusted and turned to when he was in trouble or when he was worried or anything… She was the one he just talked to about… well, everything-the one he could talk to, the one he could laugh with…
She had always been his best friend-but now she was also that girl…
It wasn't only about noticing her now; it was more than that. She was more than that.
She was-she could be-everything to him, not just the girl he fancied, the girl he wanted to kiss and touch, but also the one he talked to, the one he trusted more than anyone else.
She had always been Hermione, his best friend-but now he wanted her to be more than that. He wanted her to be… everything…
But she was with Ron now. She was with Ron and she didn't fancy him in that way.
He wanted her to be everything-but she could only be his best friend. Only his best friend, just as she'd always been-but for the first time, that wasn't enough. It wasn't enough…
Harry felt his heart twist painfully inside his chest.
God, he wished he'd never started noticing Hermione like that, wished he'd never started thinking of her like that.
But he had-and now it was too late…
~To be continued…