Low
It's cool you didn't want me,
Sometimes you can't go back,
Why'd you have to go and make a mess like that? -Kelly Clarkson
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The night of the return, James lied in his bed, thinking, like he had done in the past few months. He hadn't been able to sleep much. His guiltiness and regret hadn't let him.
The room was dark; the moon was new, so no light passed through the castle's windows. The rest of the marauders had been sleeping for a while, not knowing their friend was incredibly jealous of them. He could hear Sirius snoring quietly, like every other night. This fact had lulled James to sleep many times before, but it didn't seem to have the same effect any more. Peter was whimpering, probably having one of his nightmares. When his friends asked, he would say he didn't remember, but James suspected that he did. James was convinced that his friend had horribly dark images passing through his subconscious every night, but that he was too afraid to admit them. Remus, on the other side, just breathed loudly and slowly. However, the nights before the full moon, he would cry in his sleep. It seemed as he dreamt about the fearful night when he was bit. Sirius and James didn't dare to ask, and Peter just didn't notice.
His thoughts had been trying to avoid the path where they were being lead to unwillingly: Lily Evans, and that last train ride before the summer. James frowned at the thought, and put his hands to his eyes, attempting to fight himself to sleep. But it was useless. He punched the pillow, and no sound came from it. He turned to face the ceiling, which showed his pride for his team. It had a photo, which had been enlarged magically of the last year's final game, where Griffindor had won the cup. It showed the whole team excited. They were all dancing, hugging each other, and looking to the middle of the photo, where James stood, holding the cup with pride, and frowning when Sirius tried to snatch it from him. James smiled at this sight.
He was really thankful for having the Marauders. He new they would all stick together for better or for worse, event though that sounded more like marriage than friendship.
James stretched in his bed, touching with the tip of his toes the end of the bed. He had grown exceptionally over the past two years, which made jokes from his parents about this constant. He had been quite short when he was a child. That had been part of the reason why he had started to fly: it gave him courage. He felt more imposing, less like a jumble of bones, and more like a confident teenager. Quidditch had helped him get taller, and now, even though Sirius still towered above him, he wasn't very far behind.
He wasn't oblivious to the fact that girls seemed to love this in boys. More than one had told him it made them feel protected, safe. He understood perfectly that most girls craved for him. However he wasn't so proud of it anymore. It hadn't led him to anything good, after all.
He was lying there, with only his boxers on, as it was still September and the weather was still quite warm. He thought about what Lily had said earlier, about how she didn't love him, anymore. He smirked, wondering what she would do if she saw him like that. He had been hurt when she admitted this fact, but, after hours of thinking, he had come to the conclusion that it was better for both. He would try to be friendly however, as he wasn't up for any fights about their work as Heads. His smile vanished as he thought, for the millionth time that night, of what had happened.
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James was looking for a certain redhead through the compartments of the train. Ten minutes ago, his friend Sirius had had a wonderful idea to end his sixth year at school. True, Remus hadn't seemed very approving, and sure, neither Sirius nor him had really thought about it for too long. But it seemed like a good idea at the moment, and he wasn't going to let his head ruin it.
He found her in the prefect's compartment, all alone, finishing some annotations. He couldn't have planned it better himself. He smirked at this thought, and stopped to look at her. She was still wearing her uniform, but she had taken her robes off. She was leaning against the table, her back against him. This position made it easier for James to catch a glimpse of her thighs, rosy and silky.
Through his eyes, Lily had always been a geek, since the first day of school, when her hand had rose up the first in all the questions and she had answered all of them with an immense delight. Of course, this had nothing to do with the fact that he had done the same but had only been picked up to answer one question, and on top of that, he'd answered it wrongly. He knew he couldn't judge her by his first impression, but he couldn't help it when the rest of impressions he got where the same.
No one really liked her, apart from her group of friends, who always stuck together and were nearly never seen apart. But that morning, thanks to Sirius' comment, he looked at her with a different perception.
He slowly approached her, being careful so she wouldn't notice. When he was just some centimetres away from her, he slowly circled her waist with his arms, and he grinned when she gasped. She didn't move, obviously noticing who he was. His mouth slowly approached her ear, and he whispered what he wanted to do to her. Lily could only blush deeply.
He started kissing her neck lightly. He was completely aware of what he was doing to her. Her breath became louder and quicker. He was working his work through her. His plan was working.
However, suddenly, she turned herself, and pushed him violently. Her expression had changed completely. Her face showed anger, amazement and tears. James scowled at the girl in front of him and grabbed her arm when he saw her trying to slap him again:
"What do you think you're doing?!" he demanded.
"No, the question really is what do you think you are doing, Potter!" she exclaimed. He realised this was the first time she had called him by his surname. He had always been James for her.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." He replied, trying to keep his cool.
"Please Potter," she spat. "Give me some credit. You were trying to shag me. And don't you dare deny it, cause you said so yourself!"
"Why would I deny it?" he asked surprised. "You seemed pretty eager about it just a few seconds ago.
"How dare you!" James could see she now was extremely furious. Her face was flushed, but this time, it was from anger. "I know you were just trying to use me! You were using the fact that I like you to manipulate him. I knew you were scum, but this is a whole new level. How could you?" she glared at him with disgust. She had already let the fact sink in, and was calming down, feeling instead repulsed and let down.
He suddenly realised what she was implying. He felt ashamed of himself. It really was dirty of him to have done such a thing:
"Look Evans, I'm sorry, I didn't think." He excused himself.
"Well, that is quite obvious." She cleared, quite shocked by his response. " But being sorry is never enough is it? I'm sorry that I love you, but I still do." She looked at his face, which was covered in surprise and disbelief. She smiled. "You didn't know that, did you? Well, I do, but sometimes, I think I must be a masochist, because you never smile my way, or send me a compliment, or just talk with me in a civilized manner. No, you just treat me like dirt. Well, I must be, if I let you treat me that way." He opened his eyes in surprise and shaked his head. But she ignored this, and continued with her little monologue, letting everything that had been going through her mind the last year and a half. "Because, you know, sometimes you make it hard to love you. You really do."
Silence fell in the small room, while Lily tried to catch her breath and James tried to catch his thoughts. Eventually, he opened his mouth:
"You love me?" he asked, still in shock.
"You are such a jerk." She said simply, not believing that after her talk, that was the only detail he had mastered to listen. She headed for the door. She opened it, and when she was about to leave, he told her to stop.
"Why?" she questioned, willing for him to confess his undying love for her, but knowing he never would, and feeling bitter about it.
"Well, do you?" he asked again impatiently.
"I can't believe your nerve" she answered shocked. " Didn't I just tell you I did?"
"Well, yes. But I don't really think it's true."
"You are unbelievable. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't have passed the humiliation of telling you. I have my pride, you know? I'm sorry if me loving you makes you feel guilty about what you've done, but regret should have butted in a long time ago. You are just another guy. Okay, you have the looks, the popularity and the brains. But, if you take that away, what are you left with? You are so shallow. And you laugh at me because I like knowing things. Obviously, the ignorant laughs at what he doesn't know. Because you don't know me. You think you do, but I'm not as shallow as you are. I have layers. Hundreds of them! But it would be too much effort for you to try to uncover them. That's why people don't bother to get to know me. It's too much work. But I can assure you, that when you get to know me, it's worth it. It really is, because I can be funny, I can be bold, I can be serious... I can be whatever you want, if you would just let me." She stopped talking abruptly, as the train got to a stop. She hadn't moved from her position, so the door was still very close. She looked at him once more, and left.
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Okay, so here is a bit more of an explanation of Lily's and James' history. I will be doing more flashbacks, but not in the next chapter. Please review so I can know what you think.
Thanks!
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