A/N - thank you once again for your reviews, I'm glad people are liking this! You'll like this chapter even more - it is one of my favourites. So, sit back, read and enjoy!
Chapter 4
Everything was fine. With Ginny. They were fine. Nothing to worry about. At all.
Liar, Harry thought to himself as he stared at the ceiling above his bed. He had just finished dinner and came up with some feeble excuse to leave Ginny in the common room and retreat to his dorm where he lay on his bed, debating with himself.
It was now mid November and things at Hogwarts hadn't been too bad. Though it was strange to be there without Professor Dumbledore, Harry was enjoying just being a seventh year student without a possibility of a death defying situation breaking into his studies.
And for the first time ever, he was enjoying his school work. Without Ron there to muck around with, he found himself concentrating in classes and keeping up with his homework with ease, even though Ginny did her best to distract him.
Ginny.
His girlfriend didn't seem too concerned about her studies and constantly tried to get him to slacken off to spend more time with her. Naturally bright, she didn't have much trouble keeping up with her own work load even with her quest to help him 'relax'.
But for some reason Harry wanted to do well in his studies this year, which meant working hard. He didn't really know why though he kept telling Ginny that he needed the good grades to become an Auror.
It's so Hermione will be proud of you.
Harry closed his eyes with a weary recognition that this thought was true. He and Hermione often worked side by side when everyone else, including Ginny, had gone to bed, studying into the early hours of the morning. She helped him when he didn't understand things but more often now, they actually discussed the things they were studying into sometimes a serious debate.
He enjoyed those evenings with Hermione. In fact, he enjoyed them more than his evenings with Ginny.
But Ginny is your girlfriend. Ginny is perfect for you.
Harry sighed, once more gazing at the nothingness of his ceiling. He liked Ginny, he really did. She was smart and funny and beautiful and she said she loved him. Sure, sometimes he wondered whether she loved Harry Potter the Hero or just him, Harry. And sure, sometimes it seemed she didn't understand him at all what with the whole Auror push. But she had waited for him and cared about him and they looked so good together (supposedly - everyone thought so, according to Ginny). She was perfect.
Then why don't you want to take things further with her?
Because she wasn't perfect, not by a long shot. And the more time he spent with her, the more it seemed she wasn't what he wanted in a girlfriend. He really couldn't put a finger on why as nothing had changed since they dated back in his sixth year.
Except for the horcrux hunt. And the war. And Hermione saying that she loved him.
Hermione.
This time he let out a groan.
He didn't feel different but logic told him he was. He wanted to be frivolous and not worry about anything other than things others his age worried about - but he couldn't. He still had nightmares and the memories of what he saw during the last year haunted him. He was older than his years and that was affecting his relationship with Ginny.
It also brought him closer to Hermione in ways that Ginny could never compete with. And lately Harry realised that it was Hermione that knew him the best, who understood what he had gone through and why it had changed him.
Ginny didn't understand that and wasn't trying to understand. She felt she had given him enough space during the summer, enough time to clear his head and return to how he was before the war. But Harry didn't think he ever could.
So he found himself spending more and more time with Hermione, innocently doing their homework and sometimes talking about the war and the past but really it was an excuse to be with her and not Ginny. He started to see his friend in a different light, a light that was scary for him. A light that was getting more and more attractive.
Which is why he kissed her two nights ago and messed everything up.
Letting out another groan, he grabbed his pillow from under his head and smothered his face with it, trying to blot out the memory of last Monday - but it didn't work.
The image of her bent over her books, her familiar frown of concentration furrowing her brow, made him smile, even now. She had looked so cute - no, so beautiful - with the firelight dancing off her curls, highlighting the gold and copper that were hidden amongst the brown. He had been fascinated by the amount of different colours in her hair, something he had never noticed before.
She had looked up at him and smiled when she caught him staring, the urge to kiss her was so strong that he did everything he could to stop himself and it worked. For a bit. She had gone back to her notes and he pretended to go back to his but before long he found himself looking at her once more. He wanted to know what it was like to kiss her, how it would feel, how she would taste. He needed to know what it would be like. All thoughts of Ginny had disappeared and all there was was him, Hermione and the need to kiss her.
He had called her name, making her look up at him, puzzled. And then he did it - he leant over the small table and kissed her. At first she didn't respond, but then she did, returning his kiss with equal abandon - for a brief, brilliant moment.
Before everything went pear shaped.
'What the bloody hell do you think you're doing!'
She had shouted at him, her face screwed up in anger as she stood up and backed away from where he was still sitting. He had stumbled on his words, trying to tell her what he was feeling, but it didn't work.
'How dare you, Harry Potter! How dare you use me! You have a girlfriend, a girlfriend who already thinks we're fooling around behind her back! What kind of girl do you think I am!'
He had stood then, trying to placate her, trying to get her to understand that he didn't mean to upset her. In truth, he hadn't thought of Ginny at all but now realised that he had in fact cheated on his girlfriend. That thought, however, didn't upset him as much as he knew it should've.
'How could you do this to me? Did you even think of what kissing you would do to me? Did you even consider what it would be like for me? To do something I've...I don't believe you!'
Harry groaned once more as the memory tore at his heart. She had stormed off then, telling him she was so angry with him that she couldn't even look at him and hadn't looked at him since.
The knowledge that his careless action had caused Hermione pain was devastating him. The truth was, he hadn't even thought about what it would be like for her and the realisation of just how thoughtless he was made him feel a guilt like never before.
He knew she had feelings for him - how could he not know, it was always in the back of his mind - yet he did it anyway and perhaps ending his friendship with the one person that had always been with him, through thick and thin.
Taking the pillow of his face, he rolled over and now stared at the floor. He had no idea what to do or how to fix the mess he'd made with Hermione. Worse than that, he was no longer sure about what he felt for Hermione. Did he like her, romantically?
You wanted to kiss her, you idiot - I think that means a big, fat yes!
Yet another groan escaped from him as he realised what that thought meant.
Everything had changed.
With a new sense of urgency, Harry sat up. He needed to talk to someone about all this and he needed to talk to someone now. That someone had to be Ron. A small protest made him pause; the thought that he will be talking to his friend about his sister and Hermione making him think it wasn't such a good idea, but then Harry knew he had no-one else. Remus was consumed with wedding activities and he couldn't very well talk to Hermione…
With purposeful strides, he made his way to the fireplace which was his own personal floo - one of the many perks of being 'The Boy Who Conquered'. Grabbing a handful of floo powder, he made his way into the green flames and stepped out at The Burrow, surprising a humming Mrs Weasley who was merrily doing some dishes at the sink. She directed Harry to Ron's room where his friend was holed up reading some Quidditch magazine.
"Harry!" he exclaimed in surprise, "what're you doi…"
"I need to talk to you," Harry interrupted, shutting the door behind him and casting a few privacy spells.
"Sure, mate. What's wro…"
"I kissed Hermione!"
"What?"
"I kissed Hermione," Harry repeated as he paced around Ron's small room, "and now she won't talk to me and I don't know what to do!"
"You kissed Hermione?"
"Yes. But she is really angry at me…"
"Why?"
"Well, I'm still officially with Ginny…"
"You kissed Hermione while still dating Ginny?"
"Yes!"
"That's just asking for trouble, Harry…"
"I know!"
The two looked at each other for a moment as Harry willed Ron to understand.
"Does Ginny know about this?" the redhead asked eventually.
"No, not really," Harry sighed, "but I think she knows something's wrong. Actually, everyone knows something's wrong. It seems we're watched quite a bit…"
"Surprise, surprise…" mumbled Ron to an oblivious Harry.
"…Ginny wondered what was going on between Hermione and me and I lied…"
"Blimey Harry."
"…I said we just had a row but I don't think she believed me. I mean, everyone knows that Hermione and I always sort things out…"
"Bloody hell…"
"…but I couldn't tell her the truth, she'd kill me! And Hermione already hates me…"
"She doesn't hate you, Harry."
"…and I don't know what to do! What should I do, Ron?"
Harry stopped mid pace to look at his friend, who was watching him with mild amusement but Harry didn't care. He wanted answers and was prepared to wait until he got them.
"You need to break up with Ginny," Ron said after a moment.
"You want me to break up with Ginny?"
"I've wanted you to break up with Ginny for ages."
"But she's your sister!"
"So?" Ron humphed, "she's also a selfish little cow who is only going out with you because you're famous."
"What?"
"Look, you're my best mate," Ron started as Harry sat dejectedly down on the desk chair, "and I understand why you're going out with her. But she parades you around like some sort of prize, she wants you to spend your life doing a job you don't want to do and she already planning a wedding that is the size of the Quidditch World Cup. She's not right for you, she never was."
Harry deflated as his friend's words hit home. Part of him wanted to argue, to defend Ginny, to tell Ron that he was wrong - but he couldn't. Ron really just confirmed what Harry already knew way back in the recesses of his mind, something that he wasn't ready to admit to until now.
"She says she loves me," he muttered, unconvincingly.
"You know something, I think she does," Ron shrugged, then looked at Harry with a very un-Ron like intensity, "do you love her?"
"No," Harry replied without hesitation.
"Do you think you ever would?"
"I…I don't know," Harry stammered, "how do you know?"
"You just know."
"Do you love Luna?"
Ron thought about it for a moment, then a goofy grin covered his face as he said, "yeah."
"Why?" Harry asked immediately, so caught up in his own misery that he didn't blink an eyelid at Ron's confession.
"She knows me, understands me, I guess," Ron told him, thinking hard, "and when we're together, it's like I feel…I don't know, complete. Whole."
"Whole?"
"Yeah," Ron continued, trying to put his thoughts into words, "all the time I fancied Hermione, it was like I was competing with her, trying to be better than her because I thought that's what she wanted. I really had no clue. With Luna, I don't have to try. I'm just me and that's enough. We're just us and that seems to work."
"Ginny is always wanting more from me," Harry sighed, slumping even further in his chair.
"And she always will," Ron humphed, "once you're an Auror, she'd want you to be head Auror, then head of Magical Law and then bloody Minister of Magic! She'd always want more."
"But that's not such a bad thing, is it?" Harry asked, aware of the sound of pleading in his tone, "always trying to be something better?
"No, not if that's what you want," Ron sniped, "is that what you want?"
"No."
"Then you need to break up with Ginny."
"You're right," Harry agreed reluctantly, already feeling guilty, "but how? I…I don't want to hurt her…"
"Look, she's gonna get hurt," Ron informed him knowledgeably, "girls always take break-ups really hard, it's just how they are. You just need to lay down the law, tell her the truth and then run like hell."
"Right," Harry looked at his friend with a sarcastic smile, "so you're saying that I should tell Ginny that we should break up because I don't think I could ever love her, that she expects more of me than I've actually got and that I think I, in fact, fancy Hermione - who she hates. Yeah, that will work."
"Okay, perhaps not the truth then," Ron conceded, shrugging, "just tell her that it's not working and you want to break up."
"Is that what you said to Lavender?" Harry asked, not yet convinced.
"Pretty much," Ron shrugged again, "the thing is, whatever you say - she'll cry. Then again, it is Ginny so she'll probably scream and throw things at you. Or curse you. Either way, she'll be upset so you have to stay strong. You need to do this, Harry."
"Curse me? You think she'll curse me?" Harry repeated with more than a slither of fear.
"Bloody hell, man - are you a Gryffindor or what?" Ron growled, "you defeated You-Know-Who, I think you can defend yourself from Ginny bloody Weasley!"
"I guess," Harry sighed, ignoring his friend's wrath, "what about Hermione? What should I do about her?"
"Give her time, mate," Ron suggested sympathetically, no longer angry, "give her time."
Harry just nodded absently as he tried to think about what he was going to say. Ginny wasn't going to be happy and he really didn't want to hurt her. After a few more moments of thought, he thanked Ron for his help and dejectedly flooed back to his room.
Realising he needed to do the break-up now before he lost his nerve, he stood facing his door, breathing deeply as he went over in his head what he should say. When he was satisfied, he took another deep breath and headed down the stairs.
Ginny was sitting where he left her, though one of her friends had joined her and they were chatting. He made his way to her and stood by uncomfortably until she glanced up at him - initially grinning until she saw the determined look on his face.
"Hey Gin," he began, "can I have a word?"
"Sure," she replied, puzzled, "but I thought you weren't feeling well."
"Um, yeah," he mumbled, "do you want to go for a walk?"
"Walk?" she repeated, her confusion increasing, "it's nearly curfew…"
"Er," he bumbled along, "I just…I need to talk to you in private. We should be back before curfew…"
"Not that it matters," she jumped in, standing and grabbing his hands, smiling once more, "you're head boy! What would you do, put yourself on detention?"
Her friend laughed and Harry smiled a small, half smile. Without answering her, he led her out of the common room and towards the familiar make-out spot - the astronomy tower.
"So, what do you want to talk to me about, Harry?" she asked as they walked along, "is everything alright?"
"Um, no," he answered, "not really. Look," he paused, saw an empty classroom to his right, dragged her into it, then started to pace before continuing to speak, "I've been thinking, a lot, about everything lately and…and…" he paused again.
"What is it, Harry?" Ginny questioned sharply, and Harry could already hear fear in her voice, "what's wrong?"
"I can't do this any more," he replied finally, not looking at her.
"Can't do what?"
"Us," he clarified, "you and me. I…I can't do it any more. I think we should break up."
Ginny didn't say anything and Harry chanced a look at her. She was scowling, staring at the floor as she digested what he had told her, colour marking her cheeks with two red, angry blotches.
He waited.
"No," she said finally and firmly, crossing her arms defiantly across her chest and glaring at him.
"What?" he stammered, uncertain with how he should proceed.
"No," she repeated, "I'm not going to break up with you. You and I are meant to be together and what ever problems there are, we'll work through them."
"I don't think we can…"
"Yes, of course we can," she barked, "anything can be worked out! I'm not letting you walk away from me, Harry Potter! I've waited too long for you!"
"Ginny, please," he pleaded, approaching her but stopping when she took a step back, "I…I don't want to…"
"Is there someone else?" she cut in, now hands on hips and eyes blazing, "it's because of her isn't it! You fancy her, don't you?"
"No," he lied, knowing Ginny was meaning Hermione.
"Don't lie to me," she spat, "you've been lying to me enough already! I don't believe this! I put up with all your moods, waited for you to come back! I accepted your friendship with her and now you're dumping me for someone like Hermione?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Oh, come off it, Harry," Ginny growled viciously, "Hermione's no beauty by any stretch of the imagination! You and me, we look amazing together, everyone says so! Just like your mum and dad…"
"We're nothing like mum and dad," he shot back at her, angry that how they looked seemed to be Ginny's major concern, "and you think I'm with you because you're good looking?"
"Of course not!" she scowled, "I actually thought you were with me because you loved me! It seems I was wrong!"
"Yes, you were," he agreed with a frown of his own, "which is why we should end this…"
"I'm not letting you break up with me!" she yelled at him.
"You want to continue this even though you know I don't want to?" he yelled back, "even though you know I don't love you and don't think I ever could?"
"You don't love me?" she repeated, all fire gone and replaced with tears.
"No," he told her more gently, "I'm sorry."
"Do you love her?"
"I…I don't know," he answered truthfully, "but I know how she's important is to me."
"I…I thought," she stammered, her tears starting to fall in more earnest, "I thought you loved me. I thought I was special to you."
"You are special to me, Ginny," Harry told her, this time coming closer to her and taking her shaking hands in his, "but I…I don't love you and…and things have changed - I've changed. I can't give you what you want, what you deserve. I'm sorry."
Ginny just nodded, no longer able to speak. She took her hands away from Harry's, wiping away her tears. Harry wasn't sure what he should do now. He wanted to help her, to stop her from crying but logic told him that it was him that was making her cry - he would only make it worse. So he waited in silence.
"I…I better get back," she whispered, not looking at him, "before curfew. I…I don't want to get into trouble."
I'll walk you back…" Harry started but was quickly cut off.
"No," she said sharply, backing away from him, "no. I can go on my own."
"Ginny…"
"No!" she snapped, "leave me alone, Harry!"
With that, she ran out of the room leaving Harry standing there feeling so very guilty. He didn't move for a while, his mind going over what had happened. When he thought he had given Ginny enough time to get back to the common room and to her dorm, he left his hide-a-way and dejectedly began his journey back to his room.
He had nearly made it when he heard his name being called. Turning towards the voice, he took a deep breath when he saw Hermione hurrying towards him.
"Harry," she called out to him, stopping when she reached his side, "are you okay?"
"Yeah," he lied, "sure. Why shouldn't I be?"
"I…I bumped into Ginny," Hermione admitted, looking worriedly at him, "she had a bit of a go at me. Told me that you had broken up with her. Have…have you really broken up…"
"Yeah," he replied shortly, his eyes firmly fixed on a spot on the floor.
"Oh, Harry," she cried softly, "I'm so sorry!"
Are you? Are you really? His thoughts fired through his brain in angry succession. It's your fault - it's your fault I made Ginny cry. It's your fault I'm so screwed up! Are you really sorry?
But he didn't say anything, or even look at her. Instead, he jammed his hands deep in his pockets and continued to the common room, leaving her standing in the corridor. He was aware of accusing eyes following him to his room, but he didn't care. He'd had worse.
After changing into his pyjama's, he lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling, knowing that sleep was a long way away. Sighing deeply, he wondered what would happen next. He had hurt Ginny and she's not one that takes that sort of thing lightly.
It was going to be a rough few weeks.