Come Undone
Chapter Four
Note: Maybe still more questions than answers - but they're coming soon, I promise. Daily updates will continue. Thanks so much for the reviews I really appreciate them all.
*
H
I wonder about you all day you know. What you're doing, who you're with. What it must be like to be around people who don't really know you like we do. It makes me sad.
How are you? Really.
My internship is hilarious. I've been in Accidents and we get all sorts in - extra toes grown, one woman changed herself into a wardrobe the other day. Quite impressive if it wasn't so dire. You have to keep a sense of humour. I can't wait to tell you more.
The Big Ginger Cat misses you. He finds every day you're not here too long.
Love,
H x
*
H,
Don't be sad for me. I'm okay. I still have you.
But I am tired.
I want to hear all those stories. I can just imagine. It will be a while till I can though. Maybe months.
I miss the BGC too. I only really sleep properly when I'm with him.
H
*
Ginny finally talks to me. Though, I kinda wish now that she hadn't.
"Have you heard from Harry?"
It's so unexpected I don't have time not to react, my face flushes and my breath sticks in my throat. She's watching me very closely, appraising.
"No."
She stares a bit longer and nods.
"I thought he might try and contact you."
The 'you' is stressed, and unmistakably bitter.
"Why do you think that?"
At that she breaks her stare and looks away. "Just a hunch."
I know there's something more, but that she won't tell me.
"If you've got something to say Ginny, I wish you'd just say it."
She glares openly at me. Then she turns and walks out of the room without another word. Another mystery in my life - just what I need.
I feel guilty for lying, to her and to everyone. But what do I say? Yes I've seen Harry, but that doesn't mean I really have anything to tell them. I know nothing about him. Only that I crave him more every day.
*
H,
That took much too long. Reply faster.
Nothing much new to tell. L(Moon) discovered a new species of plant in South Africa, it's amazing and she's getting quite famous for it. I'll tell you all about it when you turn up.
How's Angie?
I hope she's looking after you.
The BGC doesn't sleep well without you either.
Love,
H
*
H,
I won't even ask how you know about Angie. I've learnt better than to question your intelligence.
She is a lost soul that one. She doesn't look after me, but she tries. I look after her.
I'm so happy for L. She deserves that.
I think of the BGC when I'm drifting off to sleep. It helps.
H.
*
H,
Sorry about the Angie question. It's none of my business.
Please tell me when you're coming back.
The BGC needs to know how much longer he has to make it through.
Love,
H
*
H,
In a few weeks I think. Best I can do sorry. Will let you know closer to time.
Don't be sorry about questions. I'm the one who's sorry I can't answer them properly.
And I hope the BGC knows I don't keep him waiting on purpose. I'll come as soon as I can, I promise.
Love,
H.
*
We're all out after work, having drinks one night when Ron gets all emotional about Harry.
"I just...I don't understand 'Mione. I thought we were friends."
This is the first time we've spoken about Harry in ages and I'm instantly guarded, scared I'm going to say the wrong thing. I feel unbearably guilty, looking at Ron gazing sorrowfully into his glass. I try and shake the fog the wine has put on me and answer.
"We still are friends Ron. He'll come back one day."
"How do you know?"
"I just do. We both still think of him as our best friend. I'm sure he still thinks of us in the same way, no matter what. Wherever he is."
Ron drapes an arm around my shoulders. His latest girlfriend, Laura, casts a sideways glance at us. Ron doesn't notice.
"You've always been like that 'Mione."
"Like what?"
"You just ...trust him. You know him better than anyone I think." His words are stabbing me through the heart and he has no idea. He squeezes me to him and kisses the top of my head. Laura looks fit to burst. He carries on.
"I sometimes think we got it all wrong."
"What do you mean?"
"Maybe it should've been the two of you - y'know? He told me once he thought of you as a sister. But I don't know. I wonder if you two wouldn't have been better suited than us." He smiles sadly.
My mouth has gone dry. I'm torn between quizzing him further and getting the hell away from this torture. Catching Laura's glare again, I disentangle myself.
"I don't think so Ron. Harry and Ginny - you know, it was..." I'm truly lost for words. "He loved her."
He looks at me considering.
"Yeah. But not enough not to leave her."
My mouth falls open a little and I wonder at Ron, how he still manages to surprise me with these moments of insight - when he shows he's not as clueless as he appears to be at times. Then he shrugs, breaks into a grin and grabs a handful of crisps from the table, shoving them into his mouth before talking again.
"But who knows. I just hope the daft prick turns up again one day."
I stare at the table, sobriety settling over me.
"So do I."
*
H
I'm worried about you. I dreamt that you were hurt and bleeding and I couldn't get to you. When are you coming back.
Mr W is getting antsy again. Says we should've heard something more by now about you. I think he wants to start an investigation. I'm almost tempted to tell him to go ahead! It's been 2 months since I saw you last.
R also misses you, he admitted that the other night. He got into the Arrows you'll be pleased to hear - the training squad anyway.
The BGC is suffering. Not eating. Didn't realise he'd miss you that much.
H x
*
H,
I was going to start with 'don't worry' again, but I know you will. Just know that I'm fine, really. I'm sorry to put all this on you. I should've stayed away.
I'll take care of Mr W -thanks for the heads up. That's good about R - no Confundus needed huh?
By the way, I've been thinking it's kinda risky me just turning up, not to mention rude. You might have someone there. I just shouldn't presume I can just waltz in when I like.
Tell the BGC to look after himself, please. I'm not far away.
Love,
H
*
H,
You can turn up when you like. No one will be here.
I'm waiting for you
I sit back and stare at the parchment on the table in front of me - at what I've just written.
I'm waiting for you.
The black ink seems to bounce off the page at me. I study it a while longer before ripping it off and screwing it up. Crookshanks looks up in anticipation; he's surrounded by screwed up paper balls- my many discarded drafts- that he's been batting cheerfully around the kitchen and dining area.
It takes me so long to write a letter to Harry now.
I just... I end up saying too much. I know I'm aching to see him again, I've admitted that at least, to myself. I just don't want it to come out on paper. The only allowance is when we write about Crookshanks. I'm almost sure he knows we're talking about me now.
I frown and shake my head, smoothing out a new piece of parchment. I need to get this written. The faster I get it sent, the faster he can reply.
Then I hear a knock at the door.
I glance at the clock. Midnight? Maybe Ron. I trudge to the door, then I see Crookshanks.
He's beaten me to it, pacing and purring in the front entranceway, the opposite of what he does when Ron arrives.
My breath hitches in my throat and my stomach lurches. I try and calm myself as I head to the door but my feet betray me, and get me there too quickly. I wrench it open.
He doesn't wait on the threshold; he comes straight for me this time.
I don't get a chance to see his expression before he's wrapping his arms around me, holding me as tightly around the shoulders as I'm instantly gripping him around his waist.
"Harry." The relief in my voice is made more pronounced by the air he pushes out of my lungs with his tight hold.
I close my eyes and press my ear against his chest, trying to calm my stomach flips. His heart is thudding quite quickly, he must've been running. I listen as it starts to calm, and feel his cheek rest on the top of my head. I think he might've murmured something but I can't be sure.
Still standing in each other's firm embrace, we're swaying just a little now. Crookshanks circles both of our legs like he's lashing us together at the ankles with an invisible rope. Harry laughs slightly and he finally lets me go as we both look down at the cat.
"You weren't kidding" he says. He bends to pat him and Crookshanks goes up on his hind legs for more, his purring ridiculously loud now.
I smile but actually I'm fighting the butterflies in my stomach; so frenetic they're starting to make me a little nauseous. I place my hand on my stomach to try and quell them.
He looks up at me then. "You okay?"
I nod and smile. "I didn't realise....I didn't know.."
He straightens up fully and goes to reach for me I think, but then lets his arm swing down to his side. "It was...unexpected. I didn't have time to owl you."
That reminds me of my discarded drafts littering the floor around me and I turn and scramble to pick them up. I really wish I could use magic right now - it would make this job much quicker...and less embarrassing.
"I was just ..studying actually.."
To make it worse, Crookshanks thinks I've decided to play with him and starts batting them around again. I try and gather them but I'm too slow for the cat who taps one straight over to Harry's boot. Harry stoops to pick it up, and to my mortification, starts to unravel the crumpled parchment.
"No!" I clamp my hands over his with the paper in it. He glances at me surprised. "It's...personal".
He looks at me for a second then nods, handing the wad of parchment slowly over. "I'm sorry. And also... you know what I wrote you - about you having company, I really shouldn't... I never want to ...interrupt.
My eyebrows shoot up.
"You don't need to worry about that." He stares at me, curious, for a moment. I get the feeling he wants to ask something but he doesn't. I shake my head emphatically. "Don't ever not come here because of that. I'll kick whoever it is out before I'd turn you away."
He's still staring but a slow, brilliant smile cracks over his face.
"I'm sure that'd go down well." His face turns suddenly serious again. "I don't deserve you...you know that right?"
I don't know exactly what he's trying to say then, and I decide I don't want to. His eyes flicker to the fridge and I smile.
"Well, maybe not, but then who would eat all the food in my cupboards?"
That brings his smile back and I breathe out in relief. He pulls his jacket off as I watch, enjoying the movement of his arms too much.
"So, the Appleby Arrows?"
I grin and relax into talking about Ron, then Luna, warmly happy that the subject is no longer taboo between us. I still carefully avoid any mention of Ginny, although I'm not really sure if that is for his or my sake.
He looks good. Healthy, tanned - his eyes are bright green. It makes me wonder if that's due to Angie or not. I shake off the thought.
"Arthur said Kreacher showed him your latest note."
Harry nods, his expression a bit glum. "Yeah. Thought that was the best thing to do."
Last week Kreacher had reported another brief note left on the table at Grimmauld Place in Harry's handwriting. I don't know if Capella brought it or if Harry had actually been there - work had been keeping me too busy to call in much.
It had caused much the same reaction as last time, though slightly more muted.
Hope everyone is well.
I'm happy where I am. I don't know when or if I'll be back. It's really much better if I stay away.
Take care. Harry.
Ron had shown it to me. I tried to pretend it hurt, but I was really happy just to see anything that proved he still...existed. That he was alive and well and the possibility he might turn up any day was real.
Now as I watch him eat, looking so comfortable at my dining room table, I realise I feel restless and upset, instead of the joy I was expecting. Now he's here, it just means I'm now on edge waiting for him to let me know when he's going to leave again. I decide to rip the plaster off so to speak.
"When?"
He looks up and his face falls a little.
"First thing in the morning."
I smile a smile that I can feel doesn't touch my eyes. He pushes his plate away.
"I shouldn't have come."
"What?"
"I shouldn't be doing this."
He pushes up abruptly and my throat closes over as he slides his jacket back on. I want to tell him no, stop but my voice isn't working yet. So I put my hand out and catch his arm. He stills, just looking at me. I finally choke out what I want to say.
"Stay. Don't be silly." I clear my throat. "Don't be silly Harry" I say again, a little stronger now.
He's staring down at me, his expression guarded. When he speaks, it's soft and low.
"You're not hearing me. I'm not good for you."
I want to scream at him that the only thing that's good for me is him. That this is the only thing I know, truly know, lately. Instead I do something equally ludicrous.
"Come on." I grasp his hand and lead him into the kitchen. I can tell he's still itching to leave but I feel a strange calm settle over me. I reach up to the cupboard over the fridge and pull out a new, unopened bottle of premium tequila. I don't look at him until after I grab a lemon and cut it into wedges, and retrieve the salt from the shelf over the oven.
When I finally look at him, he's watching me with a half amused, half doubtful look on his face. I grab his wrist.
"Lick."
"You're not serious."
"Why on earth wouldn't I be serious? Really Harry, I thought you'd be harder to shock than this." I glance pointedly at the tattoos covering the arm I'm holding.
He laughs - a warm sound, then reclaims his arm to pull it out of his jacket, which he chucks on a dining room chair. He holds the arm out again, after licking the inside of his wrist.
I grin and shake some salt on the spot he's just dampened. I do the same to myself then hand him one of the shot glasses and a wedge of lemon.
"What happened to a nice quiet glass of wine." He says it like he's speaking to himself.
"Well - if we weren't so pressed for time..."
He rolls his eyes but he's smiling. I sigh.
"I just want to ...really spend time with you. Not just the whole quick supper, shower, sleep - I just want some real time together."
He stares for a bit, and then raises his glass. "To 'real' time together then."
I clink mine with his and we both lick the salt off our wrists before we chuck the tequila down our throats simultaneously. I watch him through squinted eyes as we suck on the lemons and he grimaces but nods. "Good tequila."
I grab the bottle and salt and head over to the couch, sitting cross legged on the floor once I see he's bringing over the lemons.
I switch the tv to a music channel and take my jumper off, it's warm and I have a thin strapped singlet on underneath. I start filling the shot glasses again.
"So what can you tell me about what you've been up to."
He smiles at that, and then sits on the floor too - his back against the couch and his legs stretched out in front. He bends to his ankle and dismantles his gun as he talks.
"Uh... well I've been building."
"Building?"
"You know - houses. Doing a few hours while the weather's good."
I nod. Well that explains the tan maybe. "Do you like it?"
He smiles, a genuine one. "I love it."
"That's good."
We sit, drinking, talking, dancing around the edge of the things he doesn't want to disclose. And it's perfect, it's everything I wanted. Just a moment outside of all the cloak and dagger - to just pretend for a few hours that we have no secrets, no worries. And that's exactly what happens. I don't know if we've ever been like this, ever.
He looks relaxed, telling me a story about one of his builder friends who always fails to pull girls, but not for lack of trying. I'm in hysterics and he's animated, using his hands as he talks and laughing; I don't get so caught up in his story that I don't notice the lively light in his eyes. He looks genuinely happy - for the first time since...forever.
He delivers his punch line and I fall on the ground laughing. He's laughing too as he pours us two new glasses. He places the bottle on the coffee table and then reaches over his head to drag his t shirt up and off, he has a black singlet underneath. It's distracting, and my laugh falters a bit but I pull myself up and sit next to him, my back against the couch too.
"Oh god, he seems like he'd make Neville look like a regular Lothario." I laugh as he carefully passes my glass.
"To Neville." He looks very serious for a moment. It makes me laugh.
"To Neville...Looongbottom."
He tries to keep the serious face but he can't. I start to giggle.
He grabs hold of my wrist. "Longbottom. Who came up with that name?"
I laugh shaking my head. I've got a serious attack of the giggles now and would fall over again if he wasn't holding my wrist. He reaches across us to grab the salt.
"Hold still!"
I try to stop laughing so I can lick my wrist. But instead he does it for me.
I stop laughing immediately, though my smile is still frozen wide on my face. The cool air crosses the inside of my wrist where his warm tongue has just been and I try to ignore the waves of heat it sends through me in that instant.
He carries on oblivious, shaking salt on the spot. I concentrate on the wedge of lemon he's handing me now.
"To Neville Loooongbottom" I attempt, pleased to hear my voice coming out steady.
"To every Longbottom, I think."
We drink and I realise distantly that it doesn't sear my throat as much as earlier. The lemon is still sour though and I spend a few seconds screwing my face up against it. While my eyes are closed, I pick up on the song on tv.
"Ooh - I love this! I turn around and search through slightly bleary eyes for the volume buttons. "Do do do do..." I know I must be a bit drunk if I'm actually singing now. Harry doesn't seem to care, he sits back watching me and smiling, tapping the coffee table with his fingers.
"Who's this again?"
"The Kooks."
Say whatever you want
Oh, I could never judge you
Say whatever comes into your head
Yup I'm surely drunk because I might even be dancing a bit. Crookshanks stares at me in disgust and I go to pick him up to dance with him, but he bolts away. It doesn't stop me.
'Cause I'm always where I need to be
Yeah, and I always thought I would end up
with you, eventually
I suspect I should be embarrassed - and enough rational thought breaks through to make me sit down again, flopping myself down beside him.
He's just smiling though, and even sings along with the 'Do do do's'.
I laugh again, throwing my head back onto the couch behind. When I sit back up he's staring at me.
"Did you ever think we'd end up together? I mean, did it ever..."
He stops, and I can see he immediately regrets saying that out loud. Through the haze I think I recognise that he might've just broken one of his own rules. He's never bought up 'me and him' before. I know it makes him uncomfortable. I put my hand on his shoulder, trying to tell him it's okay, that he doesn't need to worry about me. I notice his skin is really warm.
"No."
His mortification eases a bit at that, but it changes to something else, something I don't recognise. I carry on.
"I knew you weren't...you didn't ever think of me like that." I laugh self depreciatingly.
He's watching me, and I notice his face is quite close. I can't seem to stop talking now.
"I mean yeah, there was all that stuff with Rita and Viktor but I always knew I was never...I mean I was never your type." I laugh again but it sounds hollow and weird and his scrutiny is getting to me. "I'm no Cho Chang!!"
He looks serious now and I lean across to pour another drink just for something to do. "I was never very pretty."
I cringe inwardly; I can't believe I actually just said that.
"Hermione!" He grabs my wrist but this time it's not for the salt. He pulls me to look in his face which is still too close. "You don't really think that."
"No, you're right - sorry, that was stupid" I mumble, trying to avoid eye contact again.
"You're beautiful. You always have been but now you...you're this...this gorgeous woman."
He stops, but he looks all bothered and urgent, frowning. "And if I or anyone else didn't recognise that then we're the idiots. You're not the stupid one." He trails off.
I catch his eyes now and he's looking so troubled that I rest a hand on his face.
"It's alright; you don't have to say that."
His eyes wander down to my lips and a warmth floods through me as I start to imagine he might even...
Crookshanks barrels right into us, jumping square on my lap, so hard he nearly knocks me back.
"Crookshanks!!" He glares up at me, and I stare back at him confused, then glance back at Harry who's looking away now, grabbing the glasses.
"One more, for the road."
"You're not staying?"
"It's three in the morning."
"You can't go anywhere like that. Sleep, just a few hours."
He nods and we take the last drink though it's like we're both somehow more sober than before.
I go about getting ready for bed, trying to figure out what just happened but I'm too foggy from the drink. I have enough presence of mind to arrange my clothes for easy access in the morning. I drink some water and take some Anti Hangover potion - I need my wits about me.
He takes a shower while I set up on the armchair with a blanket, watching but not seeing anything on tv. I must fall asleep because next thing I know Harry's hand is on my head. I keep my eyes closed and then I feel his breath on my temple as he moves to place a kiss on my forehead. His fingers move in my hair for a second, beforeI feel him cross to the sofa. He turns off the tv and lies down.
"Harry" I say into the stillness.
"Yeah"
"Wake me up"
"Before I go go?"
I snort a laugh. "Yes. Please."
"Alright. Hey."
I peer over my blankets at him then, and he's half sitting up, looking over at me.
"Thanks. I had fun tonight. Haven't for a while."
I smile, controlling the urge to go over to him. "You're welcome. I had fun too. Sorry, though."
"What about?"
"The shit singing."
He laughs and lies back. "It wasn't that bad. Well, okay it was bad..."
I throw a cushion without seeing if it hits its mark.
"Good night."
"Night."
*
"Hermione."
He shakes me gently awake though I've been on the fringes of waking for a while now. I heard him get up, heard the click and rip of the gun being put back together and strapped on to his ankle again as he gets ready to leave. That particular sound makes me more determined not to fail this time.
"I gotta go."
I rub my eyes. He crouches down beside my chair, leaning his face on his arm.
"Should I bother to ask when you'll be back?"
"No."
I reach out and brush his cheek with my finger.
"Write me then, okay? Crookshanks will be beside himself."
He smiles and bites his lip. He looks like he's going to say something but he doesn't - just squeezes my arm and stands up.
"Look after yourself."
"You too."
He strides to the door and lifts a hand to wave.
I wave back. "See you soon."
He stops at the door for a moment and looks back at me. Then he pulls it open and is gone.
*
It's quite cold on the street this morning. The clouds look undecided; a bluish grey colour, like they could go either way.
I gather the cloak around my body; making sure it's covering me. I wonder absently how the three of us ever did fit under this together.
I see his back disappear around the corner and I pick up my pace to a jog to keep up. I'm quicker with my plan this morning, calmer. I left the house not long after him.
*
Lyrics credit: Always Where I Need to Be by The Kooks.