A.N. So this is where all the chapters I have written end, meaning if this continues, I have to start writing again. Fuck, I know. However, I would seriously like to try and re-start this, so hopefully there will be some new material soon! Thanks for reading!
Oh, and HP ain't mine. Mer.
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***********Cronulla, Sydney, Australia - Granger/Wilkins Cottage***********
Wednesday, June 3rd, 1998
Ever since their near-kiss (yet again) encounter on Saturday night, Harry and Hermione once again became distant with one another. Since it was just the two of them and Mr. and Mrs. Granger in the cottage, the two were forced to spend a lot of time around each other. However, when the two were in the company of the Granger's, Harry and Hermione kept to a routine of simple small-talk, keeping conversations as simple as possible, avoiding eye contact, etc. If the two hormonal teens ever found themselves together without the company of Emily or Roger Granger, they only had conversations of silence.
Naturally, Harry and Hermione's chilly relationship would be noticed eventually. However, it wasn't Harry or Hermione who decided to confront one another about their changing relationship and attempt to fix the problem, but Mrs. Emily Granger. With Mr. Granger at work and Harry off engaging in one of his new hobbies, running on the beach and exercising, Mrs. Granger decided she had had enough of observing the tense relationship between her daughter and her best friend.
It did not take Emily long to find her daughter, as when she walked down the stairs into the living room, there Hermione was, lounging back against an arm of the couch, entranced in a novel. As one would expect with Hermione Granger, she was so into reading the book that she did not even notice her mother walk down the stairs, stare at her, and then approach her. It was only when her mother sat on the couch next to, and partially on, Hermione's feet that she looked up at her mother, folding the novel in her lap against her chest.
"Hello dear," Emily said to her daughter softly. "What are you reading?"
Hermione smiled at her mom as she sat up against the arm of the chair. "Oh, it's this novel called Message in a Bottle; it's written by an American, Nicholas Sparks. It's been published for a few months now, but I haven't been able to sit down and read a new book in forever because of the war. I just wanted to have an old part of my life back."
Emily patted her hand onto an empty space on the couch near Hermione's feet. Taking the hint, Hermione repositioned herself and shuffled along the couch so she was next to her mother. "Look Hermione, there is something I think we need to talk about it," Mrs. Granger started out, only to be interrupted by her daughter.
"What, Mum?" Hermione asked as she turned her head to look at her. "Did I so something I shouldn't have?"
Emily chuckled, knowing her daughter was afraid she was in trouble. After all these years, whenever Hermione needed a lecture from one of her parents, she was still afraid she had misbehaved or forgotten to do a chore. "Oh no, my dear, nothing of the sort; actually, I wanted to talk to you about Harry."
"Harry?" Hermione asked, raising her eyebrows. "Oh, he went out for a run on the beach this morning; he should be gone for quite some time I'd imagine."
"Yes," Emily stated simply, "I know that. However, that is not what I meant, Hermione dear. I meant, I wanted to talk about you and Harry."
Again, Hermione raised her eyebrows at her mother, looking confused. This time, it was all a ploy. Hermione was smart enough to know that her mother was just like her when it came to intelligence and logic: Emily figured out her and Harry were acting odd around each other. "You and I both know that you two have been distant with one another ever since you two started staying here in the cottage with your father and I. You always said Harry is the one you never had problems with, so why all of a sudden is that not the case?"
Hermione lowered her gaze to her lap, not wanting to answer her mother's question. Sensing Hermione's discomfort, Emily wrapped her right arm around Hermione's shoulder. "Hermione, whatever it is, you can talk to me," she said softly. "You've always been able to come to me with your problems, dear; I'm sure I can help you once again.
When Hermione raised her head back up to look at her mother, her eyes were on the verge of tears. "Oh Mum," she sighed, "I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Things with Harry and I are such a wreck.
Emily nodded her head to show she was listening, and while she knew her daughter was stating the obvious, she was still lost as to how they got there. "Alright dear," she cooed. "Why don't you start from the beginning, and just vent the whole story. Maybe that will help you feel better, and most of all, get some understanding."
Hermione wiped her eyes with her hands, and nodded her head at her mother. "Well, if we're going to start from the beginning, I guess we're going to have to go really far back. What I'm about to tell you, I haven't told anyone, except for Harry, and telling him is what started this all anyways. Even so, I haven't told him all of this either."
"When Harry, Ron, and I started out at Hogwarts in our first year, it was Harry I had the schoolgirl crush on. He was Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, the one who saved the entire wizarding world from Lord Voldemort. Harry was famous, but kind and down to earth. On Halloween that year, it was him - with help from Ron, of course - who saved me from a troll. Harry was my knight in shining armor, my prince.
"Of course, I knew then what I was. I was the ugly bookworm. Even back then boys didn't like me. I was the bossy know-it-all; that never changed. But over the years, I still maintained that silly crush on him even when I shouldn't have. During our third year when we helped saved his godfather, Sirius Black, I grew to care about him even more, both as a person and as someone I fancied. In our fourth year, I used every resource I had available to me to help him in that Triwizard Tournament."
Despite not wanting to interrupt her daughter from her tell-all monologue, she couldn't resist the urge to interrupt her. She held her tongue about the troll incident - a tale she already knew, like everything monumental that happened to her daughter at Hogwarts - and didn't ask for more details about her part in Sirius' escape - she always loved hearing that story - she could not resist once Hermione started talking about fourth year, the year that everything changed for Hermione. "Oh," she almost squeaked, "this is when you went to the Yule Ball with Viktor Krum. He was that star Romanian sports player I remember you drooled about."
Hermione swatted her mother in the arm and tried to glare at her, but couldn't resist a laugh. "He was from Bulgaria," she laughed, "and yes, I did fancy Viktor. He was a gentleman, and he of all people, a world famous Seeker, sought out bookworm Hermione. Oh Mum, it was so wonderful to be on the receiving end of that kind of attention. I mean, yes, I wanted Harry to ask me to the Yule Ball, but he was so infatuated with Cho Chang that I knew I didn't stand a chance to be his date. But Viktor, he treated me with respect, he was a kind gentleman, and well, he was famous. That night at the Yule Ball, girls from Hogwarts - and Beauxbatons and Durmstrang - looked at me in envy. It was wonderful; I felt powerful and beautiful."
"But at the end of the year, Viktor had to return to Bulgaria, and everything changed. Voldemort had returned, and the wizarding world was at war, whether they knew it or not. Fifth year, that was when everything just became chaos. Harry had to deal with the loss of Cedric Diggory and his confusing relationship with Cho. Cho was dating Cedric when he was murdered, you see. Harry was just as confused as Cho was, but right around Christmas time, the two kissed in the Room of Requirement. I had always been jealous of Cho; she was the pretty girl that had caught Harry's eye, of course I'd be jealous. But when he told me what happened that night, I had never been more jealous of anyone in my life. It hurt to hear that, but I had to cover it up. I had to remember what my role was in our "golden trio"; I was the best friend of Harry Potter, the sister. I had no reason to be jealous, so I could not let my jealously show. And then, at the end of the year… everything just became rubbish. At the Department of Mysteries, all of our lives changed. I got wounded by a curse from Antonin Dolohov, and Sirius was killed by Bellatrix Lestrange. I know I was never able to tell you much about them, but those were two of Voldemort's most feared Death Eaters. I couldn't even begin to describe the kinds of horror they inflicted over the years."
Hermione stopped, not wanting to speak more of Dolohov. Out of instinct, her right hand lightly brushed her ribcage and rubbed along the right side of her chest and torso, the spot where Dolohov struck her with his curse two years ago. Emily held back tears from her daughter's story, remembering the pain Hermione was in when she came home that summer, remembering the anguish she felt when she first heard the story of Hermione's attack and the battle. Unsure if Hermione was finished, Emily stayed silent, choosing to place her right hand on top of Hermione's left, squeezing and stroke the top of her hand.
Hermione smiled sadly at her mother, and then continued. "After that moment, everything changed. I blamed Harry for my accident, for my near-death experience. Harry was our leader; it was Harry who took us to the Ministry. I know now that my injury was not his fault, but that didn't matter then. I was hurt, both physically and emotionally. I pushed myself away, and at first, Ron was there. Ron and I always fought growing up, but around fourth year, I started to spend more time with him alone. With him and Harry fighting at times, and I still friends with both, I spent quality time alone with each for the first time. I discovered more about the kind of person Ron was, and I have to admit, I grew to fancy him a bit. I knew he fancied me; he was so upset when I showed up to the Yule Ball with Viktor. But in sixth year when I pushed Harry away, that meant I tried to pull Ron closer to me. I convinced myself that Ron and I should be together, and I was so annoyed and childish when he started dating a classmate of mine. I acted so immature, and the whole time, I distanced myself even more from Harry and became more irritable with him as well. But as time grew on, Harry started dating Ginny, and Ron and Lavender broke up. When Dumbledore died at the end of the school year, Ron finally came out and told me how he felt, and just like with Viktor, I felt so relieved to know that someone actually fancied me. I mean, I always knew Ron fancied me, but to hear him say it, it made me feel like more than the bookworm that boys didn't ever want to date. I felt like the beautiful woman that men wanted. "
Mrs. Granger squeezed Hermione's hand again, and looked her in the eye. "Hermione, you are beautiful," she told her. "You may be bossy, and you may be a brainiac, but that doesn't change the fact that you are the most beautiful woman I know. In fact, those two qualities only make you even more beautiful," Emily finished with a smile.
Hermione smiled back at her mother, flattered. "Thanks, Mum," she said as she leaned into her mom's ensuing embrace. After they released their hug, Hermione continued with her story. "I know you won't be shocked to hear this, but there's more. I ramble when I tell stories," Hermione said sheepishly.
"You're telling an excellent story, Hermione," her mother responded with a grin.
Again, Hermione replied with a, "Thanks, Mum." She sat up a little bit straighter, and then carried on. "This past year, I thought that Ron and I would make our relationship official, or at least something close to it, but it never happened. With us on the run so much, there was no time. The few moments we actually had alone together out camping, there was never enough time for us to have a serious talk about where we were heading, or one of us was too angry to have that talk. Ron and I only had minimal stolen kisses and hand holding as we fell asleep on rare occasions. It wasn't until the final battle at Hogwarts when I threw myself at him did he really, truly kiss me. I didn't even think about it, Mum. I just knew that it could've been the last night I'd be alive, and I had to do it. Ron had made a comment that touched my heart, and it was now or never at that point. And since Harry defeated Voldemort and we won the war, that one kiss Ron and I shared, it opened up our relationship. I thought I'd be happy."
"But I wasn't," Hermione sighed sadly."With the war over and time for everything to try and return to normal, things only became more confusing and rubbish. I thought that my relationship with Ron would blossom, but it hasn't. We're out of sync. When we kiss, Mum, it just doesn't have any spark to it. In that one moment at Hogwarts, that now or never, do it because you might be dead, of course there's passion in that! But now, now that I know I'm alive and I will be alive, it's just not there. And Harry, oh Harry. Like I said, I'm alive, and I know it. I can't blame Harry for the pain I received during the war, especially when I know now that it doesn't even come close to the misery and suffering forced on him. I can't push Harry away, not anymore. There's nothing to create a barrier between us for me to push on. All of my old feelings, it's like they are starting to return. But why now, Mum? Why do all of these old feelings for Harry return now, when I'm trying to start a relationship with Ron!? I know I said Ron and I are out of sync, but don't you think that my feelings for Harry influence that?"
Hermione let out a deep breath of nothing but agitation and frustration. She closed her eyes and flopped back against the couch, flailing her arms while she did so. Emily examined her daughter's actions, studied the emotions on her face, and tried to think carefully of what to say next. "Hermione, I want you to look at me," she said sternly as she lovingly grasped her daughter's hand.
As Hermione took her hand with her mother's, she sat back up and looked her mother in the eyes once again. "The dilemma you are going through right now, believe it or not, is natural," Emily said wisely. "Harry and Ron are the two people you spent your teenage years growing up with. It would only be unnatural if you didn't have feelings for both of them. When you know two men as deeply as you know Harry and Ron, it's impossible to not be attracted to qualities that they have."
"I know Mum, but still," she groaned, "I hate the fact that this is happening to me. I hate that I can't control this. Before, I was able to push Harry away and fixate myself on Ron, but now, I'm flooded. There is nothing I can do. I'm mad at myself because I can't change the way I feel, not about Ron, nor Harry. No matter what I do, even when I try and distance myself from Harry like I have been these past few days."
Emily closed her eyes for a few seconds, thinking of how to word what she was about to say. Failing to be careful about it, she said, "Damn it, Hermione, that's your problem."
Hermione stared at her mother, taken aback by her swearing and brash statement. When she remained speechless, her mother continued, this time speaking in a much softer tone of voice. "Hermione, I love you more than anything, but dear, you are too controlling. You're obsessed with having everything in your life in order, and darling, life does not function that way. You cannot control everything about your life, especially your feelings. Pushing Harry away like you did after your injury at the Ministry, that wasn't healthy. You should've confronted him and told him of your feelings, of your anger!" Emily stared at her daughter, happy to know she was listening intently and taking in everything she was saying.
After a few moments pause, Emily looked at her daughter, taking both of her hands in hers once again. "I know I have given you exponential advice about life throughout the years, but what I am about to say to you, I want you to remember above all else right now. Sometimes, it is best to let life lead the way for you, not the other way around. You can't force yourself to fancy one lad and not the other, and you can't forcibly change your thoughts about a person. Alright?"
Hermione simply nodded her head, and hugged her mother tightly. Mrs. Granger hugged her daughter back, and then kissed her on the cheek as she released their embrace. "Hermione, I know this is a difficult situation for you, knowing that one part of you fancies Ron, and another part still has feelings for Harry. I'm not going to tell you who you should choose because I don't think a simple choice can be made, and no one can say when a choice like that could be made. All I want you to do is follow your heart. Let your heart be your guide, find happiness, and don't make any rash decision that you'd end up regretting. If you find happiness with Ron and have a big happy family with him, then I support it. If you find yourself with Harry and you're happy, then I support it. If you find love with someone you haven't even ever met yet and you're happy, then I support it. I just want you to be happy, dear. And remember, you are young. No one is saying that whoever you fancy and date now will be your husband. You're only 18 years old, Hermione. You may be a witch, but that doesn't mean you find true love with the wave of a wand, or that you'll be magically bonded to someone for the rest of your life. You're young, and you have all the time in the world to find out who you are, what makes you happy, and who makes you happy. For all we know, Harry could be a person who makes you happy, and you've been pushing him away," Emily finished with a nod.
The two sat in silence for several long moments before Hermione hugged her mom again, and as she cradled her face into her mother's shoulder she said, "Thanks Mum, for everything. I love you."
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When Harry came back from his run along the beach an hour later, Hermione did not approach him or try to talk to him. Instead, she waited, and waited some more. She kept waiting until after her father had come home, and the four went out to a local restaurant for dinner. While at dinner, Hermione continued her routine of the past couple of days, keeping her conversations with Harry at nothing more than small talk. Mrs. Granger kept glancing over at her daughter every time Hermione kept employing the tactic, but Hermione eventually silenced her with a look that told Mrs. Granger what she wanted to hear: she'd talk with Harry later.
After the four returned to their cottage on the outskirts of Cronulla, Hermione finally approached Harry as the Granger's went downstairs to fold their laundry. Harry had gone upstairs to his guest bedroom moments prior, and Hermione followed him upstairs as soon as Mrs. Granger descended the stairs to the basement. Harry had left his door opened, so Hermione simply walked into the doorway, knocking on its frame.
Looking over his shoulder, Harry noticed Hermione and gave her a skeptical look. It was clear Harry was confused as to why Hermione would all of a sudden want to approach Harry, in his bedroom, alone. "Uh, what's up, Hermione?" Harry asked cautiously, trying to act normal and remove the tension between the two.
Hermione smiled sheepishly at Harry. "Oh, not much, Harry," she half-stuttered. "Look, um, I was wondering… would you come for a walk with me? I think it's time we had a talk." Hermione looked up at Harry hopefully, her insides begging Harry to come with her.
"Of course," Harry said with a smile, "just lead the way." The two shared a smile, and Hermione turned on her heels, walking down the steps, through the living room, and out the front door, Harry in tow.
The two walked side by side in silence for quite some time. Harry was a bit confused if he was supposed to say something as they walked past the development and headed in the direction towards the ocean. However, he kept his mouth shut, and let Hermione lead the way. Finally, after over ten minutes of just walking in silence, Hermione finally spoke. "I'm so sorry, Harry," she said just above a whisper.
Hermione stopped walking, and Harry stepped in front of her so they were face to face. Hermione lowered her face as Harry did so, but he cupped her chin with his right hand, raising it so they could look one another in the eye. She was crying. "Hermione," he sighed, "please don't. Don't apologize; don't cry."
Hermione didn't listen, instead breaking herself away from Harry and walking past him, continuing to walk towards the beach. Harry turned on his heel and followed, so they were walking side by side again. "Hermione, if you're going to insistently apologize, will you at least tell me why?" Harry asked, even though he knew the answer.
"For everything, Harry," she sobbed, "for being so cold to you these past couple of days, distancing myself from you, for letting you down… for caring about you."
The two kept walking, and within a minute the concrete they had been walking on turned to sand as they found themselves on a beach. The two stayed silent for another few minutes, as Harry wasn't sure how to respond to what Hermione said. As the two walked along the beach for a while, Hermione finally sat down on the beach, frustrated and upset that Harry hadn't said anything in return. "Damn it, Harry," she bellowed, "please say something!"
Harry looked at Hermione in shock; he didn't know how to respond to Hermione right now. However, he knew he had to, and sat down next to Hermione in the sand as soon as she snapped at him. As soon as he did, Hermione turned her face to the right, so they were looking face to face again. "Hermione, right now," he began tentatively, "I'm not sure how to respond to that. So instead, I'm just going to ask questions; let my mind process." The two shared a look, and Hermione just nodded at him, giving him permission to ask away. "Do you really have feelings for me, Hermione?"
Hermione looked him directly in the eyes, and simply nodded her head at him, a tear slowly escaping from her left eye. Harry swallowed hard, shocked that Hermione just admitted to fancying him in some way. "Is that why you've been trying to push me away since Saturday, because some part of you fancies me and we almost kissed?"
The question was answered with another nod, but this time, Hermione looked away as she did so. Harry couldn't help but smile though, knowing that Hermione had feelings for him. As Harry smiled, Hermione started to talk again, still looking away from Harry. "You know I always had that schoolgirl crush on you growing up, Harry, but these past few years, ever since Voldemort returned, especially after the Department of Mysteries, I never knew what laid ahead. When you told me about the prophecy, we knew it was either you or Voldemort. I didn't know if you'd make it out of this war alive. I hate to admit this to you, but it affected my feelings. Just like getting wounded at the Ministry, and just like knowing Ron fancied me, it helped affect my emotions and feelings for you. But now, now that the war is over and I know you're alive, it changes everything. Knowing that you have a future, it's so horrible to admit, but it changes my emotions. I can have feelings for you and know there's a chance for a future with you. I didn't have that before. Oh, Harry, I know you must find me horribly shallow to think like that," she finished with a sigh.
Harry gently wrapped his left arm around Hermione's shoulder, and she immediately cradled her face into his chest. "There's no way I could think of you as shallow, Hermione," he said truthfully. "Honestly, that logic makes perfect sense. I always expected Ginny to have that conversation with me; I even tried to talk to her about the chances I'd die at the hands of Voldemort. She always brushed it off, like it wasn't a threat or a possibility. If the roles were reversed, Hermione, I know it would have affected my emotions. If you were in a life-or-death situation, I would doubt your future. I wouldn't want to, but part of me would. It's natural, Hermione."
Hermione raised herself up from Harry's chest, looking him in the eyes and smiling sadly. Harry smiled a sad smile back, but reached out and wiped Hermione's tears off her face with his thumb. When he was done, Hermione rested her head on his shoulder. Harry lowered his head, and kissed Hermione on the side of her head. "Hermione, you're not alone, you know," he whispered. "I've grown up with you these past 7 years; you know me better than anyone else does, and I'd like to think I'm one of the few people who knows you the best too. You're beautiful, and I've spent both the best and worst years of my life with you. It's impossible to not have some kind of feelings for you."
The two sat there in the sand in silence for several minutes. Hermione eventually cozied her way back into Harry's chest, and Harry kept cradling her closer to him with his left arm while absentmindedly running his right hand up and down Hermione's right arm.
Finally, Harry broke the silence. He asked, "What happens now?" Hermione closed her eyes, although that was lost on Harry, as he couldn't see her face. Hermione didn't answer the question, instead staying silent. Harry didn't want to push Hermione, letting her stay silent for over a minute before finally speaking again. "Please answer me," he pleaded as he angled his head against hers.
Hermione stayed silent for a few moments longer before she reopened her eyes and answered Harry's question, looking out at the ocean and the night sky. "Harry, it's not that simple," she somehow stated matter-of-factly. "Yes, you and I both have some sort of feelings for each other, but that doesn't mean anything right now. I am still dating Ron, and you and Ginny are still in your… whatever. I still fancy Ron, Harry."
Harry raised his head off of hers, and looked out to his right along the sandy beach. He shifted his arm from cradling her shoulder into him to her upper back, but Hermione still cradled her head into his chest. In fact, she snuggled against him even tighter. Seeing this, Harry smiled and placed his arm back around her shoulder. The two sat there in silence for a while again, before Harry blurted out, "What if I end my… "whatever" with Ginny?"
"It's still not that simple, Harry," Hermione responded. "No matter what, Harry, our relationship will be complicated now. We've been best friends for seven years, and our other best friend fancies me, maybe even loves me - who knows with Ron. Even if I didn't have feelings for Ron, it'd still be complicated. Even if you didn't have feelings for Ginny, it would still be complicated." Hermione meant to say more, but cut herself off, agitated with the situation.
Harry closed his eyes, concealing the sadness in his eyes as the two continued to sit in silence. Almost five minutes passed before Hermione finally spoke again. Breaking herself away from Harry's embrace, she looked him in the eyes and said, "Harry, no matter what, we will be complicated. But right now, all I want to do is enjoy Australia… enjoy your company," she stammered with a shy smile. Harry smiled back and caressed the side of her face with his hand. Hermione rubbed her face deeper into his hand. "I just want to forget everything about this past year, all the horrors we faced. I don't want to think or worry about anything while we're here. I just want to be happy; I just want to be with you and not have to worry about things getting complicated."
Harry caressed the side of her face again, and kissed her on the crown of her head. Hermione smiled and snuggled herself against Harry's chest once again. Hermione smiled as Harry wrapped his arm around her shoulder again, and the two teens spent the rest of the night just sitting in the sand, watching the waves crash to the shore, enjoying one another's presence.