Author's Note: Inspired by and dedicated to Old-Crow. During a review of "Missing; presumed... Missing", Old-Crow suggested that Ron be dropped in shit. So, I pondered... for about ten seconds. Then this came to me:
The plan seemed to be working. At least, that's what Ron Weasley thought as he watched Hermione run out of the common room after looking at him and Lavender engaged in some heavy petting on the couch. While he was enjoying the blonde's attention, he knew she wasn't the one he really wanted. Instead, he wanted to tap Hermione's virginity and take her as his own. While Lavender was hot, Hermione was cute and brainy, and would make sure he passed his NEWT exams next year.
As she stomped out of the common room, he smiled into Lavender's mouth as he carried on kissing her.
Harry watched as Hermione bolted out of the common room, and rolled his eyes. Once again, Ron was being an arse. He excused himself from speaking to Sloper and headed out after Hermione.
He found her in the first unlocked classroom he tried. She was sitting on the teacher's desk, alone except for a small ring of twittering yellow birds circling her head, which she had clearly just conjured out of midair. Harry could not help admiring her spell-work at a time like this.
"Oh, hello, Harry." she said in a brittle voice. "I was just practicing."
"Yeah... they're... er... really good..." said Harry.
He had no idea what to say to her. He was just wondering whether there was any chance that she had not noticed Ron, that she had merely left the room because the party was a little too rowdy, when she said, in an unnaturally high-pitched voice, "Ron seems to be enjoying the celebrations."
"Er... does he?" said Harry.
"Don't pretend you didn't see him." said Hermione. "He wasn't exactly hiding it, was he?"
Harry shook his head. "No... no, he wasn't. However, I have a question for you."
"Shoot."
"Why does this bother you so much?"
"You know the answer to that, Harry."
"Remind me."
"It's because... well, it's not fair on Lavender, for starters. Second, it's bloody pitiful."
"Language, Hermione."
"Don't start." She said, sending the birds back to the ether she'd created them from. "It just... it gets on my nerves when people play stupid games like this. When they're trying to do it to me..."
Harry stepped forward, wrapping her in a tight hug. "Hermione... ignore him. He's being an arse. You know he's being an arse, and I know he's being an arse. Lavender's a big girl. She'll figure it out soon enough."
Hermione huffed for a moment before relaxing into Harry's chest. "I just wish there was a way to straighten him out."
"Yeah..." Harry pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Let's just leave him be, Hermione. He's dropping himself into the shit each time he..." He trailed off as Hermione's head popped up, her eyes bright with an idea. "Okay... that look worries me, sweetie."
"Harry... you've just given me a marvellous idea."
"I know I'm gonna regret asking this... but what is this marvellous idea?"
"Oh... I'll let it be a surprise." She leaned up and pressed a chaste kiss on Harry's lips. "Quick question; when's the next Quidditch game?"
"Week on Saturday." Harry supplied automatically, before his eyes narrowed. "Why?"
"Trust me, Harry..." Hermione said, an evil smirk settling onto her face. "I have a plan. Come on." She took his hand and dragged him out of the classroom.
The day of the Quidditch match dawned bright and early. Thanks to Harry's captaincy, he'd had them training hard, but not nearly as manically as Oliver Wood had been training them. They were primed, ready and looking forward to a good, solid match.
Harry, however, was nervous. He had no idea what Hermione had planned to deal with Ron, and that scared him. Like Ron had said all the way back in first year: 'she's scary... brilliant, but scary'. As she'd grown up, she was even more brilliant, and correspondingly more scary. However, he still had a match to play and win, and that was what he focussed on.
Hermione, however, had spent all her time when not with Harry preparing for her revenge. It was relatively easy, from a logistics point of view, but there was still a lot to do. Dobby, after a suitable bribe (which was subtly put back in her moneybag when he found out what she wanted his help for), had been a god send, making all the preparations and preparing a series of flyers to be posted on every seat in the Quidditch stadium. All in all, everything was prepared. She only needed to wait until the match was over, and then it would be done.
As the students and staff began filing into the stadium, they each picked up the flyer from their chairs, quickly reading through, then looking round the stadium for Hermione. She made eye contact with a good number of them, especially the witches, who nodded at her. They'd help.
The Gryffindor team flew out of the tunnel, Captain Harry Potter leading them out. They flew a lap around the field before heading to the south end, Ron flying up to the hoops to begin guarding them. The chasers spread out, ready to begin their plays as soon as Hufflepuff took the field.
A moment later, clad in their yellow and black robes, the Hufflepuff team soared out, again taking a lap around the field as they moved into position.
Hermione watched with a detached air as the Gryffindors completely dominated the 'Puffs. Ever since Cedric had left the team three years ago, they'd been far less effective, and Harry's good work drilling the team had made sure they were more than a match. The score quickly racked up, a single shot conceded by Ron being the only goal Hufflepuff could gain, while Gryffindor were rapidly approaching the 200 mark.
She began cheering as she watched Harry begin an insanely fast dive, clearly seeing the snitch and pursuing. The Hufflepuff seeker, some nameless third year, didn't have a chance of catching up to Harry's Firebolt, and moments later, Gryffindor had won the game, a respectable 340-10.
Hermione daintily stood up, placed her wand against her throat and whispered 'Sonorous'. "Now, Dobby!"
On the field, the tiny house elf popped in, making sure of his aim towards the goal before he clicked his fingers once and popped out again.
Ron was about to fly down from the hoops when he noticed he was now in the shade. He glanced up and blanched. Bare inches above him was a cloud. A brown cloud. A brown, smelly cloud. He wasn't able to make any more deductions before the brown cloud dropped onto him, sending him and his broom tumbling to the ground.
Hermione pumped her fist into the air as Ron was buried, literally, under a ton of shit. When Dobby had popped away from the field, he'd instantly appeared at Hermione's side.
"Dobby?"
"Yes, Mistress?"
"I have but one question."
"Yes, Mistress?"
"Where the hell did you get it all?"
Dobby looked up at Hermione shyly. "Forbidden Forest, Mistress. Dobby and the other elves went through whole thing, collecting every pile wes found. Centaur, werewolf, Acromantula... every spot collected, Miss. Did Dobby do good?"
Hermione beamed at the little elf. "Outstanding, Dobby! Truly outstanding!" She knelt down, giving the little elf a kiss on his wrinkled forehead, making Dobby pass out, before standing up. She placed her wand back to her throat.
"Students and staff of Hogwarts! If you've read the flyers I had left on your chairs, you'll know what I'm asking. Make ready!"
Six hundred staff and students pulled out their wands, aiming at the stinky mass on the field, where a figure could be seen trying to pull themselves free of the disgusting mess.
"Fire!"
Six hundred wands fired Aguamenti charms, the freezing cold water blasting Ron back. Dobby, who was only now waking up, quickly banished the mass of excrement, sending it back into the forest.
Harry was watching this display from on high. He shook his head as Ron nearly drowned in poo, but flew down to his girlfriend. "Hermione?" He asked softly.
"Yes?" Hermione didn't realise that the sonorous charm was still in place.
"Is there a reason you just tried to drown Ron?"
"You know why, Harry. You were the one who overheard him bragging to Seamus and Dean about how he was using Lavender to make me jealous, and he'd dump her when I begged him."
Harry nodded. "You almost wrecked the Quidditch pitch."
"Sorry." Hermione Looked at the crowd, spotting that each and every one of them was staring at them. "Okay, ladies and gents, I think the show's over. Ron, come near me again and this'll seem like a walk in the park."
Another voice shouted out. "And we're finished!" Lavender was glaring at the field, making the staggering Ron step backwards in fright.
Harry took a chance and pulled Hermione onto his broom, putting the snitch into her hand as he flew her on a victory lap around the pitch.
As they flew past the teachers' stand, a voice stopped them. "Potter! Granger!"
Hermione managed to bury her scowl. "Professor Snape?"
The greasy potions master looked like the shit from the field had been dropped into his mouth as he spoke his next words. "Fifty points... to... Gryffindor."
"Thank you, sir!" Harry and Hermione exclaimed together, before they carried on with their victory lap.
Ron had managed to get back on his feet, rescuing his broom from the sodden field. He saw his... well, ex best friends, he supposed, flying away, Hermione perched awkwardly on Harry's broom as she clutched the snitch. Harry's arm around her waist was definitely a practised move, he noticed, and he knew that he'd lost. With a wince, he looked up at Lavender, seeing the blonde looking furiously at him. He'd lost there, too.
With a sigh, he began the long, lonely trudge towards a warm shower and the end of the best friendship he'd ever had.
Harry slowed the broom so Hermione could watch Ron trudge away in defeat. "You enjoyed that far too much." He said softly.
Hermione just snorted. "I detest the idea of being used, Harry, just as much as you do."
"Perhaps..." Harry admitted. "But, I don't think I'd have dropped a ton of shit on him, Hermione."
"Well... never annoy me, Harry."
"Noted."
"Now, I want to get my feet back on solid ground."
"In a few minutes, Hermione." Harry said, starting the broom up again. "We should take another lap. It's definitely a double victory; Gryffindor for Quidditch, and the definite end to the Granger-Weasley rivalry."
"Fine." Hermione groused good-naturedly. "Just don't go... Harry!"
Harry was diving towards the ground, enjoying the pleasurable squeal Hermione made as they got closer.
"Harry James Potter!" Hermione shouted.
Even though he wasn't the best student in the school, Harry wasn't an idiot, and knew he was in trouble. "Oh, shit..."
Oc-OC-Oc
The old scribe dismounted his steel horse, glancing around the decidedly-seedy area his contact had requested. It was only a shame that he wasn't allowed to carry weapons in this ficverse; some of the people looked more than a little dodgy.
"Crow?" A voice croaked from the darkened entryway of a building.
Bravely, Crow nodded as he took a step forward, leaving the security of his steel horse.
"Your report, sir." The voice near-growled. "It's been an honour and a privilege writing for you."
Taking the report, Crow glanced through, before looking up. The source of the voice had gone, leaving a small patch of seelvor fluid on the ground. There was a small note floating on top. Food for your steel horse. Godspeed and thank you for your long, hard work.