HELLO, again!
So as I've been promising to do, for much too long now, I've rewritten this entire story and almost have it complete (about time, I know). This is just a forewarning, though, that you may want to reread the story as many things have changed, and some are still the same.
Thank you and, again, I apologize for this pathetically extended delay,
Cosmo xx
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Disclaimer: nope, don't own anything Harry Potter related, not even copies of the books, and wouldn't really care to, not after that seventh book…
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Like a Romantic Comedy
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Summary: it's pathetic, and rather disheartening really, how even if you may hate romantic comedies, you just can't ever escape the, because if you do despise them with a passion of a thousand burning suns, as I do, your life will just turn into one in spite of you, as mine has.
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Challenge: write a story for the title "Like a Romantic Comedy"
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Chapter I: I hate the cliché
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"Wotcher, Evans, you're looking rather fetching today," James greeted-more like chirped-as he took a seat by my side.
"Mph," I grunted morosely as I threw my head into my arms, banging it into them repeatedly-as, really, it's just stupid to bang your head into a table given the sheer amount of brain cells you lose with that method. This one's far better, much safer and even has the same calming effect..
I could practically feel the amused smirk he sent my way, regardless of how irrational that may have been. "What, no inspirational quote of the day?" he asked, a slight undertone of befuddlement to his words even as he chuckled at my actions.
Prat.
No, change that to mega prat. In fact, he's just so… pratty that I'll slap him if he doesn't shut up soon.
God, I hate that bastard.
"Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels, Thomas Carlyle, how's that?" I asked as I raised my head to look at him, unable to help retain the slight growl at the sight of him watching me with those, bloody, amused eyes of his.
Bastard.
"Rather depressing actually," he admitted with a frown.
Even bigger bastard.
"Tough," I grunted.
"You know at the rate you're going I may start to think you don't want me here."
I rolled my eyes at his dramatics; damn conceited blokes like him was the last thing I needed then. I was in wallowing mode, why couldn't he just be a good little boy and just get me some damn ice cream?
"Go to hell."
At those words I heard a deep chuckle, one that was just a tad bit too deep to be the arse's, and turned around to see who it was that seemed to be so fascinated by the show James and I were putting on.
Upon seeing him, however, the only thought that ran through my mind was a rather disappointed `figures.'
"Why are you all everywhere? Can't I ever just get some peace and quiet, is that really too much to ask for?" I asked with a groan before returning to banging my head into my arms-only my arms started to hurt then, and I had found myself in a bit of an impasse.
Damn.
"Come on, Lils, what's got you acting so pissy this fine morning?" Remus jovially asked me as he took a seat by my side.
Great, now I'm surrounded by them. Good God, this is just turning out to be one hell of a morning. Extra emphasis on the "hel"l, at that.
"I hate you, both of you-you and your morning person…ness and-and him and his… well just all of it in general as far as he's concerned."
James actually had the nerve to "tut" me upon hearing that. "Now, Lily, where are your manners?"
"Oh go and find your slag and have some morning fun if you're all jolly, just leave me alone!" I snapped at him in annoyance, and I immediately regretted the crude remark, but at that moment I really couldn't bring myself to apologize despite the fact that id desperately wanted to.
And I think, ultimately, that's what did me in with him. For the first time in… well, ever he was actually offended by something I said, and so with a huff and a puff he was off… to see his slag no less. I don't think he realized that if he was going to follow with the movements then the fable specifically required that he actually blow my house down.
But, then again, he always was a tad bit slow…
"Seriously, what's got your knickers in a twist?" Remus finally asked in as low drawl, effectively drawing me out of my reverie; which, admittedly, probably was for my own good seeing as strange and scary things seem to go on in my head…
"Well it'd be quite hard for them to be seeing as I'm not wearing any."
He grinned widely, his eyes flashing with clear amusement. "Duly noted, but unless you'd care to show me that nice little sight I recommend you get on with the story before I sic Padfoot on you."
"That'd just be mean."
He shrugged, smirk plastered onto his face. "That's life-and those are your words too, not mine."
I sighed, grunting again. "You're a bastard, you know that?"
"And you're a right bitch this morning, what a great pair we make," he retorted with a sarcastic undercurrent to his words that I couldn't help, but scoff at.
Cor, I hate how quick witted he is.
"Just say it, Lils, I hate having to put up with you when you get lost in that little world of yours. God knows what's up there-in fact, I think he'd be a bit too scared to even want to try to find out."
"Thanks," I monotonously responded.
Look at him acting as if he's some vicar, as if he knows anything about anything, damn smug bloke. Merlin, I hate men.
"Oh cheer up and tell uncle Remus what's wrong," he chortled, flicking my chin lightly to force me to raise my head.
Abusive, another thing to add to the long list of reasons I want to kill Remus "Moony" Lupin.
"Come on, Lils, you know you want to," he continued to goad me with a slight wink-one that, despite how attractive he may be, he had never been able to fully pull off properly. There was always just something about it that made it look like he was having a spasm of.
I never did have the heart to tell him that little truth of life.
Plus, it's a damn hilarious sight.
"Fine," I stopped him, quickly growing tired of his prying-so much so that I didn't even realize what I had just agreed to. So, with a clench of my jaw a very irritated glare sent his way, after all, he had just conned me into doing as he had asked, I finally told him.
I finally told someone.
"I'm in love with James."
His eyes widened, his cheeks slightly reddened, and his jaw went slack. He really did look a tad bit fishy with that look plastered upon his face. Hilarious sight, that was.
"Oh," he finally managed to spit out, a pathetic one syllable not-even-really-a-word-word that he had been working so hard on uttering, after a good five or so minutes of staring at me in shock. Pathetic.
"Yeah," I muttered morosely.
"Oh," he repeated with a little splash of extra emphasis that time.
"Yep," I nodded, taking a sip of my coffee as I tried to hold back the compulsion to just slap him upside the head for acting like such a monosyllabic idiot.
"OH?!"
"Because I didn't hear you the first time," I sarcastically quipped, not even bothering to hide my annoyance that time as I freely rolled my eyes before glaring at him.
Felt nice, really-being in tune with your emotions like that, anger is such a nice little thing to divulge in-especially when dealing with dense pricks like him. Men suck… they suck serious cock.
Just thinking that had been oddly relieving, stress wise. There was something about vindictive and bitchy thoughts that was very helpful in periods such as these, wherein aunt flow drops by for an early visit and your love doesn't really realize your existence…
"But… but… fuck!" he sputtered.
I couldn't help, but growl slightly as he returned to that state again. It does get a little boring hearing the same thought repeated over and over again. Change the words or not, it's still the same sentiment, when will he learn?
"Yep."
He gaped at me, a slight fear making itself present through the tremor of his chin. It was almost sweet how much he cared for me. "You-you do realize that-that-"
"He has a new-for the first time official, at that-girlfriend? Yes, yes I do. In fact, in case you haven't already realized, it's why I'm acting as particularly bitchy today you stupid, stupid, idiot."
After all, while he may be sweet that doesn't mean I can deny the truth-such as, say, the sheer extent of his stupidity. You have to be realistic about things like that; after all, it's simply idiotic to allow oneself to be deluded in such matters. No, that's really not safe at all.
He cocked an eyebrow, sending me a quizzical look. "Why are you shaking your head?"
"Nothing?" I squeaked, trying to maintain my blush, all the while cursing my genes and how easily it came as I felt my face slowly heating up.
"Right…"
I simply shrugged.
"So…"
"You're really annoying then you're like that," I blurted pout, unable to contain myself.
Bloody hell, can't he just get to the point? I mean, really, how hard is it to just ask a simple question-we both knew what he wants to say anyway. Hell, I even opened the doors for him, made it easy by doing the hard part… you know, by admitting my rather embarrassing feelings, self-centered prat.
Besides, all he really has to do is just open that damn mouth and let the syllables flow out in a verbal diarrhea that's sure to take place.
"So…"
But, apparently, he's above diarrhea.
"Ugh, you're not really going to go with the tentative, maybe-maybe-not route, are you? That's a bit too pathetic, even for you, Remus," I groaned, my face contorting with disgust upon hearing that word.
He chuckled. "Fine then, tell me, how'd it happen?"
"Are you stupid? Who the hell really knows how the fuck they ended up so unlucky as to fall for their best mate? For fuck's sake, do you think I want to be some walking, talking cliché while the supposed `love of my life' is off prancing with some slag?!"
"Manners, Lily, manners."
I glared at him. He deserved it, really, who chastises a girl when she's dealing with a broken heart and is hormonal? Any dolt who's stupid enough to do that really deserves whatever repercussions come his way.
"Do you really want to go there, Lupin, because you're already treading on rather thin ice? It's pretty much down to an ice cube at the moment, actually."
"Right, so no laughing at you or correcting you, got it," he noted, a slight quiver to his voice. Had I been in a normal state of mind I'd probably be a little disheartened by my actions and how rude I was being, but given the moment and the less than favorable circumstances I had to admit to myself that, being the horrible person that I am, I was actually reveling in it.
Power truly is a scary thing… only thing is that I doubt the whole maniacal bitch thing suits me very well. Maybe fun to portray, but I doubt it's very sexy for the boys. Ah, what a stalemate I've found myself in.
"Care to share whatever it is that you do know then?"
"I hate that slag," was my immediate, and rather blunt, retort as I pointed to the damn bint who was currently throwing a leg over James's lap as she straddled him in the middle of the great hall.
Really, all she is legs and boobs.
Okay… maybe I can understand why he's interested then.
"Men are randy and perverted little fuckers, you know that?"
"Why thank you," he dryly said.
"Oh you're not included in that," I waved him off. "You're so angsty and practically celibate as it is that I've written you off in the `it' category ages ago, so don't worry, you don't apply," I told him, smiling widely after having basically not only put his masculinity in question but then made it seem as if it was preposterous that he even have any.
I swear, though, at the time I really didn't realize what I had just said and how offensive it might be, I actually thought I was making him feel better.
He furrowed his eyebrows as he stared at me blankly. "Was that actually supposed to make me feel any better?"
"I guess it's just a matter of perspective then…" I shrugged.
"So are you ever just going to answer my question?"
"What… tell you how my heart burns for him?-How I want to spend all night making sweet, raunchy love to him and make him my personal boy toy?-Or would you rather hear the part about how he gives my heart palpitations?" I muttered, grabbing a piece of pie from the table and finally finding good use for the blasted thing by stabbing it repeatedly.
They really are very absorbent, take in the knife rather well, allots you more opportunities to pierce them without having to waste food by getting a new one to mutilate.
Plus, I had always held this secret aversion to pie that made make want to erase them from the face of the earth
Irrational? Yes.
Did I hold a deep-rooted fear for them that made it reasonable in my mind? Yes to that one as well.
He rolled his eyes before pulling the plate away form me. "Talk."
"Bossy today, aren't you, Remmy-Poo?" I jibed, well aware of how much he hates that nickname.
He rolled his eyes again at that one, and I could practically see the steam coming out of his ears. "Yes, I get it, you're great at playing the role of the jilted best mate, and you're amazing at being a bitch. Can we move on no?"
It's times like those that I adore Remus, he just understands me so well. He knows just the right of moping, wallowing, and botching to allot me before stopping me so I don't turn into a-well, at least, not a total crazed, hormonal, psycho bitch.
"I don't know, and I think that that's what kills me, okay? I don't know, ergo I don't know what steps I can retrace to erase this whole mess," I admitted.
"What? Like force yourself to fall out of love with him?"
"Yeah," I nodded, unsure as to why he seemed to find the idea so preposterous.
"You're an idiot."
"Or just so brilliant that you can't even keep up with such logic," I smirk.
He shook his head slowly. "Oh no, trust me, it's the former."
I shrugged as I returned my gaze towards the happy couple. "I hate them."
"Them, as in both individuals, or them as a couple?"
"The couple-or… well, maybe both, I-I don't know anymore. I just-I hate the fact that he can make me feel this way about him; it's just not right, not normal."
He cocked an eyebrow at me upon hearing that small, paradoxical rant. "Well I'm not so sure about that one, Lils, after all, people do fall in love every everyday," he quipped like the arse that he is.
"They're idiots," I grumbled.
"And yet a group of idiots that you're a part of."
"Ugh," I groaned with a sneer, a rather unattractive pose to take really. "Fine then, I don't hate him, I just really hate that slag."
"And I understand that, but you know-" he paused, letting out a deep breath, surely trying to find a good way to word whatever it was that he had to say, given the state of my temper at the moment. "Given that, as of last night, she's officially James's girlfriend I don't think you're quite allowed to refer to her as a slag-at least not when other people can hear you and it can get back to her."
I glared at him, forcing a wide smile unto my face, but the intent was more than clear nonetheless as I muttered, through gritted teeth, "why the hell do you think I'm so moody this morning anyway?"
"Well-"
I rolled my eyes. "It was a rhetorical question you jerk."
"Oh… right."
"So, anyway, onto the reason I told you this-"
"Naturally, because it can't just be for the sake of getting off your chest."
"Naturally," I smiled. "Something so preposterous could only be called blasphemous."
He let out a large bark of laughter. "Your logic is infallible, Evans."
"Why thank you, now onto how you're going to help me," I changed the subject, very fluidly if I may so myself, as I sent him a bright smile.
"Okay, get on with it; I'd rather not prolong this whole thing too much longer."
"Help me end it."
He didn't even blink upon hearing those words, and I know I shouldn't have been so surprised, but seeing that he knew what I was going to ask before I even did it made me feel far too predictable.
His response, however, was the total opposite.
"No."
I stared at him incredulously; left utterly speechless by his… well sacrilegious, really, reply. "What-what the fuck do you mean `no?' I mean… wh-where the hell do you get off saying that to your best mate, of all people, you bloody bastard?!" I screeched like a banshee. "What kind of a mate does that-you know what, a backstabber that's who!" I continued, albeit a bit irrationally… but, really, I was in a right state.
It was official, the day suck! I mean, first I found out that James, that, being the randy little prick had to find a place to put his "horn" to cure his perpetual horniness, got himself a damn girlfriend; ergo, in turn, placing me in a perpetual state of jealousy. It's perpetual all around, not fun at all no matter how amusing it may sound.
Therefore, I reserve the right to waving my arms around like a crazed maniac-maybe if I do it enough I'll gain the power of telekinesis like Carrie… after all, she did have that whole stint in the girls' washroom at the beginning of the film…
"Stop it, Lily, whatever plans you're drawing up in your head won't work," he said in an annoyingly clipped voice as he pulled me out of my reverie.
Seriously, I hate him for making me feel as if I'm so predictable.
"But… how-how-"
"You'll regret it," he informed me in a sing-song voice-one that compelled you to question his sexual orientation. He didn't even bother to let me finish my thought… which, admittedly, probably would have just been a ton of senseless words strewn about, but it's the principal of the matter. After all, it is terribly rude to interrupt someone like that.
"I totally wouldn't… at least not if it worked!"
He sighed, raising his hands to rub his temple. "Come on, Lils," he bartered, his head still downcast as he tried to cure himself of what was surely a rapidly growing headache.
He seems to get a lot of those when with me.
I guess some would even go so far as to call it annoying…I, however, call it talent.
"`Come on' what, Remus? How can you just stab me in the back like that?" I, albeit irrationally, cried out.
He raised his head, cocking an eyebrow at me in a rather condescending manner that I really didn't care much for. "Don't be so over dramatic."
I gasped. "I am not!"
"Oh come on, Lils, this whole bit is not you. You may be irrational at times, but you're not a bitch. You're just sad that you didn't tell him sooner-that he can't sit by like a backup choice for you for whenever you finally get up the guts to tell him. Don't be so annoying and petulant; it's really not a color that suits you well anyway," he snapped at me, much to my displeasure… mainly because it's true.
I sighed. I hate it when he's right, not fair. "It would make things easier though, you know?"
He shrugged. "Probably would… but, then again, so would have telling him sooner."
I shrugged back. "I don't like feelings; you know that I find them too messy. Wasn't too fond of the fact that I might be growing them for him-scared me shitless, honestly."
"I know," he told me, exuding empathy as he placed a hand over mine, rubbing soft circles into it.
Merlin, I love him.
"But it's still my fault, yeah?"
"Yeah," he admitted with a shy smile.
"I hate morals," I scowled.
"I know, but, them again, you hate many things anyway," he reasoned, and justly, too-I can admit that much at least.
"Yeah, but that one's quickly topping the list."
He sighed, again. "You could always tell him."
"How about a `hell no' to that one?" I smiled, trying to portray the sarcasm through my facial expression.
I think he got the point, seeing as he let out a bark of laughter upon seeing, and hearing, that.
"Ugh, but what do I do, Remus?"
He let out a deep, desperate, breath. "I don't know."
"You're useless, you know that?" I asked him with a pout.
"Eh, never claimed to be worth much anyway," he said, a crooked smile making its way onto his face.
"I bet Sirius would be able to help me."
"Good luck with that."
"Ugh," I groaned, agitatedly blowing at the wisp of hair that had made its way onto my face, only adding to my annoyance. "I just really don't want to be that girl!"
He sent me a puzzled look, and I think that that was the first time in ages that I ever really surprised him. Felt nice actually, maybe I was capable of going against the grain after all. "What do you mean?"
"You know, that girl. The cliché shite you always see in the films-the girl that's in love with her best mate while he's off doing the dirty with some other wench. I hate the fact that I'm part of that whole truism, but at the same time I just… I can't help, but feel something for him."
"I'd imagine that that would be rather annoying," he admitted with a nod.
"See!" I exclaimed. "God, I just-I don't want to be another chick flick, I want to feel like I have some control over my fate!"
"So what are you going to do then?" he asked me quietly, almost hesitantly.
"I don't know," I desperately admitted. "I know that I want to break them up. Then again, though, I also know that I could never live with myself-the guilt of it if I did. I know I want to admit to him how I feel, but I also know that I just don't have the guts to do it. It's all so twisted and paradoxical, Remus, so… so discombobulated and I have no clue what to make of it anymore. I just want out."
"You do realize that there's no out, don't you?"
I couldn't help but wince; it was so much harder hearing that from someone else-having it affirmed like that made it impossible to ignore it.
"What if there is?"
The look he sent me upon hearing that unreservedly desperate question was just so degrading and pitiful that I actually had the compulsion to just curl up in a corner and cry my eyes out, and out of pity for myself no less. Pathetic.
"Come on, Lils, you know I can't lie to you-go to Sirius for that one, he's always been a bit more morally flexible than me."
"Well I wouldn't really call that as bad of a thing as your tone may suggest," a deep voice interrupted Remus with a quip. As Sirius took a seat by me he swung his arm around my shoulders. He turned my head with his other hand so that I was facing him, cocking an eyebrow as he scrutinized me-a rather unnerving habit of his. "Why so pissy today, love? You'll get frown lines and, really, your face is far too pretty to be ruined by such avoidable things," he told me with a saucy wink that only he could ever pull off.
"Apparently she's in love with James," Remus informed him without any hesitation.
"Remus!" I shrieked when he so bluntly and impassively told Sirius that. Damn thoughtless bastard.
"What?i-It's not like you weren't going to tell him anyway."
"I wasn't!"
"Oi, why the bloody hell not?!" Sirius interrupted, clearly offended by the idea of me keeping something of that caliber from him. Or anything, actually.
"Because you'll surely mock me for it incessantly."
"Oh…" Remus blushed a bit. "I forgot about that…"
"Yeah, you think?" I snorted.
Sirius scoffed. "Now you're making me out to be some heartless prat."
I couldn't help but shift in discomfort upon hearing that. "Well…"
"What?!"
"You do tend to mock people when their down, mate," Remus sympathetically broke it to him. I don't understand how he could be so nice to Sirius about it, but he couldn't even spare me the slightest bit of empathy.
"I do not," he adamantly defended himself. "I haven't said anything to Lily."
I snorted at the example. "You haven't exactly had time to either, but I can just imagine what your initial thoughts were."
He, at least, had the courtesy to blush as far as that one was concerned.
"This is all just so screwed up," I groaned, cocking my head to the side as I tried to relieve myself of a crick in my neck while considering just how everything had gone to hell. "I should really just get some girl friends, they'd be able to help me… hell, they probably would have prevented all this from happening, unlike the useless lot that I befriended."
"Oi," Sirius exclaimed, "we're right here you know."
"I'm afraid she does know, mate," Remus informed him with a sympathetic look before turning to me. "Besides, you never could, nor will be able to befriend girls. You're very anti-social and can't handle all the bints, you and I both know that very well."
"Well maybe I just haven't had a chance to exercise my hand in the blissful world of female bonds because of you prats."
Sirius snorted. "Love, you're very hostile-borderline abusive, really, I'm afraid to say that just like you can't handle them they can't handle you either. Now how about you tell uncle Sirius about what's ailing you and we'll make ourselves a great, fool proof plan."
"And he's a fool, so all you have to do is discount anything he says and you're sure to find yourself with one amazing M.O." Remus smirked.
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