Chapter II: I hate that I'm scared
--
"I'm sorry," I muttered as I took a seat by James in potions, trying to say it as quietly as possible so I could ignore the fact that I was apologizing-a pastime that I had never held a particular affinity for.
He turned to me, smiling widely. "It's okay, I've kind of long ago accepted that that comes with the territory of being mates with a girl-hormones are just part of the equation, besides you've put up with listening to us constantly talking about birds, I think we can break even here," he told me with a small wink, nudging my shoulder playfully.
I laughed. Damn him for being so disarmingly charming. "Thanks."
"So, seriously, what was going on with you this morning, you're never quite so openly hostile towards me, it's usually Sirius's head that you try to bite off when you're going through your…" James's voice wavered slightly as he approached the word. "Period": that one thing that every bloke is afraid of and every girl uses as her excuse for everything.
"Your womanly thing," he finally said with a cough.
Typical, though, that he'd blame it on my period even though I didn't even say a word to confirm something like that, blokes are just far too quick to blame it on "Aunt Flow."
Still, I couldn't help but smirk slightly, cocking my head to the side as I watched a slow blush spread throughout his face. There were only two things that ever could make James blush: periods and finding me reading Kama Sutra-but, really, it's not as if it's a sex manual, it was intended to be a sacred text on the enjoyment of senses. Bastard still thinks I'm some pervy little sex obsessed fiend, won't even listen to me when I go off on the common misconceptions about the text. Arse… seriously, though, you'd think a bloke would appreciate it if a girl read something like that, sex obsessed or not…
"You know, you can say it; if it make it easier for you just think about it as a part of a sentence when you say it, ignore the fact that you're referring to that bloody womanly cycle thing," I said, my smirk growing even wider, if that was even humanly possible, as I watched his blush deepen.
"You're a bitch," he coughed, clearly tongue tied after I backed him into a corner like that.
"Now don't be so hostile, James," I tutted, a bit patronizingly. "It's for your own good, broadens your horizons and all that shite."
He laughed. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
I shrugged. "Wanted an excuse for embarrassing you, figured that's about as good of a light as I can be put in after putting you through that," I admitted with a small, shy smile.
It was moments like those that made me fall for him, the ease of the banter… I felt comfortable being myself with him, as if I didn't have to be apologetic for being a crazy psycho bitch. I felt oddly accepted and it was the most comforting feeling in the world, and I loved him for it.
He pulled me out of my reverie, though, by chuckling lightly and throwing an arm around the back of my chair while Slughorne went to the front of the class, beginning his presentation on the potion we'd be preparing the following day.
I, however, was lost in the sensation of being so close to him-being so close to what I wanted… to what I was too scared to go after for so long.
Life's a bitch like that. It's this whole twisted romantic comedy that makes you fall for your best mate while he's with someone else. People think that it's a great thing when they watch the films, think it's terribly romantic and all that, but those stories… those stories were written, carefully planned out so the good little girl would end up getting the boy. Well I'm not the good little girl; I'm not the picture of perfection. Hell, I'm not even slightly sane, so where does that leave me? What happens to the girls like me when they find themselves in situations as cliché as this?
--
"I really hate the slag, you know? Coming in and taking something that is so clearly not hers, completely underhanded and sneaky!" I ranted nonsensically, clearly irrational, as far as my thought process was concerned. Still, though, I liked it that way-I enjoyed having someone to blame for my not having him rather finally facing the fact that I should have told him earlier. It was safe, it was therapeutic, and it made me innocent-all options which I was exceedingly fond of.
After all, as Oscar Wilde once said: "There is luxury in self reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel no one else has a right to blame us."
"You do realize that she has a name… it's Adele," Remus informed me as I sat at the far corner of the library, watching James pull the slag towards the stacks.
"And what a whorish name that is… besides it's so much easier to just call her by what she really is, take out all the messy details, like names," I bitterly spat out, albeit more than a bit spitefully.
Remus let out a deep and clearly irritated sigh, as he ran a hand through his hair-a clear sign that he was trying to hold back his pent up aggravation. "You have to get over this, Lily-you can't just sit around moping like this, it's pathetic."
"I know," I sighed, pouting slightly. "But it's just been a day and I like being the jealous bitch-it's a very suiting role for me, to tell you the truth. Plus, it's just so much fun to play, I'm fantastic at being spiteful… fantastic, Remus," I repeated so he'd understand the extent of my fantastic-ness at being spiteful.
"Well congratulations," he dryly quipped. "But that still doesn't change anything, either you're going to do something about it or stop annoying me about it."
"Hmm…" I mumbled, admittedly only half listening to what he was saying as, really, sometimes he does have this horrible tendency to go endlessly just berating me for doing something a tad bit irrational… like that time that I hexed little James, and made him peanut little, for two weeks no less, after James went through my underwear drawer.
"You're not listening, are you?"
He never was stupid, figures he'd realize.
"No," I answered honestly, I never was one for lying anyway.
"Good God, sometimes I hate being mates with you."
"Don't lie, Remus, without me you'd still be that lost and hopeless little boy that couldn't figure out that wearing a tie all the time didn't necessarily make you the debonair Casanova type."
I couldn't hold back the smirk as I watched him wince at that memory; he truly was pathetic before me. "Still, the point is you saved me from a horrible fate of perpetual loneliness so I may as well return the favor by helping you out."
"And how do you propose to do that?" I asked; my interest most definitely piqued.
"Well," he said, clearly proud of the fact that he had gained my attention as he brightly smiled at me-he, clearly, was rather unaccustomed to the idea of having my full, undivided attention without me interrupting him with some sort of neurotic or off-topic rant. "You have one of two choices: either just get over him and find yourself another bloke or do something about it, tell James."
I cocked my head to the side as I contemplated the options presented to me, not really liking either one. In truth, I don't like losing, especially a bloke that I fancy, nor am I particularly fond of the idea of being so forthright in a matter as delicate as that of my heart… I much prefer having the upper hand in any situation, and both choices would cost me that ability in some form or another.
I sighed. "Where's choice C, love?"
"There isn't one," he plainly and bluntly told me.
Bastard.
"Then I'm afraid you're a useless prat, and I'm going to Sirius, have fun reading!"
--
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," he bluntly told me as I lay on his bed, my head buried in his pillow as I groaned in an unparalleled anguish.
They always said that heartbreak was bitch, but I had always scoffed at the thought until this point, when I was the one on the other spectrum, the one experiencing the terrible emotions, and it hurt. It hurt like a bitch!
"Go to hell you unsympathetic bastard!" I muttered through gritted teeth and a mouth blocked by a pillow, all the while as desperately trying to prevent him from seeing the surely unappealing blush that was spreading across my face.
He sighed; chuckling slightly as he gruffly pulled the pillow out from under my face ,which resulted in a rather painful and unexpected crash into his mattress, one that I was entirely unprepared for. "Oi, you prat, your mattress is hard!" I screamed, slapping his arm as I got up, rubbing my chin soothingly.
"Whatever, you deserve to be slapped back into reality anyway. I mean what the hell, Lils? You want him, but you don't want to be the cliché bitch that steals him from `the slag', as you've so fittingly dubbed her. You've blocked yourself into this corner and I'm sure that Remus told you the same thing so what do you want from me?"
"An option three," I told him, smiling brightly, desperately hopeful.
He stared at me blankly, mouth slightly agape. "You're an idiot."
I disappointedly shook my head at him, not at all impressed by his words. "And I think you've said that before… not sure if it was those exact words at the moment, but it was definitely somewhere along those lines-now you don't want to be repetitive, do you, Sirius?"
He sent me an incredulous look as he shook his head at me, taking a seat by my side on his bed, throwing his head into his hands as he groaned loudly.
"Cheer up, ole chap," I clapped him on the back, an action that only made his cries grow. "Come on, I can't have you being all bitter and pessimistic like this, doesn't send a very good sign to the universe, now does it?"
"I hardly see how it's even correlated to the universe in any respect," he sullenly, and rather cynically, much to my distaste, muttered.
I rolled my eyes dramatically. "Association, Sirius, the deities-or whoever the fuck is in charge of that whole naughty and nice list, because it sure as hell isn't Santa-will immediately associate your negative comments and glum attitude to this conversation which, in turn, brings them to my relationship with James. See, bad karma."
"You're far too screwy for your own good," he cried, yet again.
It really wasn't a very masculine show of masculinity-and I say that for lack of a better word, as really, regardless of how verbose I may be, I also talk a lot, coming up with synonyms for all that shite gets rather tiring on the brain.
Either way, however, it was a pathetic sight, possibly the most pathetic sight I'd ever witnessed… at that included my own moments, of all things. What a talent Sirius had there…
"Ah yes, I think we've covered that one as well, you really do have a thing for running in circles, don't you, love?"
"And this is coming from the bint who wants a bloke, but won't actually do anything reasonable about it."
"Oi, I will, just not anything that is incriminating, morally wrong, or could be misconstrued as so."
He raised his head to send me a dull and almost witless, on him at least, look. "And what isn't when you're trying to steal another girl's boyfriend."
"Well, you see, that's where you come in. You see, good ole Moony made a very good point before, he mentioned how morally flexible you are, I need you to transfer those powers unto me."
"And how do you propose I go about doing that one?"
I shrugged. "I don't know, that's where you come in, you dolt."
He scoffed. "Oh, so I'm the dolt in this situation?"
"Well you can't figure out simple concepts like what your role is in a plan… sorry to tell you the truth, but I've always said that honesty is the best policy," I smirked.
"Which is also why you told James that you're in love with him," he quipped.
Now, that was uncalled for.
"Just give me a plan," I mumbled darkly, rather put-off by the fact that I didn't have a proper retort for that comment. Damn.
He shrugged.
"That's not a plan," I tutted him, pointing out the obvious just because I adore how much it aggravates him to have
"Don't berate or admonish me, it's patronizing and you're annoying enough as it is."
I gasped. "Oi!"
"I have a plan."
That stopped any rant that may have been bubbling, waiting to bur out. "Ooh… that's almost worthy of forgiveness."
"I should hope so as I rather fear what you'd do to me in response to my last comment otherwise."
"Well you won't have to worry about that if your plan is worth anything, so go on," I ordered him, waving enthusiastically as I couldn't help but bounce on the bed slightly as I was literally wiggling with anticipation.
Finally, I was getting somewhere.
"You could make him jealous."
Sadly, however, "somewhere" wasn't really anywhere.
"You watch too many chick flicks."
"Tut, tut," Sirius grinned as he playfully flicked my nose-although it wasn't too playful for me as it was rather painful. Didn't care for it much, honestly.
"Don't tut me when you just gave me the stupidest plan ever," I snapped, pouting slightly. "For fuck's sake, Sirius, I need a plan, not something that I could get off of any old teenage romantic comedy. I need something `Princess Bride', not `Gone with the Wind'."
He sent me a quizzical look as he slowly, almost fearfully, asked "you do realize that there was no other girl in the `Princess Bride', right?"
"Yes, but he was so hot-even if that whole moustache look really didn't suit him at all…"
He sighed, nodding slightly in agreement-although reluctant to voice the concord for fear of protecting his "macho-ness". It's pathetic the lengths that blokes will go to to protect their "masculinity" only to then do something to totally ruin it… like the amount of time that they spend in from of the mirror, or the amount of money that they spend on hair products… although, Sirius's hair is a thing of wonders, even if he does spend about as much money as people spend on rent in a year for his products. Almost makes that indiscretion forgivable, even if he does preen much too much for his own good.
"Well then, seems as if you're at a bit of an impasse."
"I wouldn't call it an impasse, per say-"
"No, you're right, it's more so the world's biggest hurdle that you yourself have constructed."
"But I don't want to be cliché."
"You're already there, Lils, how much of a difference can my plan really make in your cliché female best mate status?"
I sighed, biting my lip slightly as I took in his words. "So… how does this whole jealousy thing work then?"
He paused for a second, as if about to go on a long tirade all about our various options in terms of the plan, but a second later his expression turned crestfallen. He shook his head suddenly, a frown marring his face. "Lils, don't."
"Don't what?"
He sighed. "Don't do this."
"What?"
"This-all of this, the plan, the bull shit, all of it! I know I said,' he stopped himself, raking a hand through his hair. "I know I offered the plan, but don't. You want me to tell you that it'll be okay if you do it, but it won't. You're better than this so stop it with all of the crap. Whatever you do you're going to end up hurting someone and as `morally flexible' as I am, I'm also not about to let you hurt yourself. You don't want to string some bloke along for the sake of making James jealous."
"Who says?" I retorted quickly.
"I know you," he shrugged in a rare display of a seriousness that lived up to his given name. "I know you and I know that despite everything you spew you're a romantic. You want him to love you, want you, and you want this all to happen under his own compulsion. I mean, do you really want to trick him into falling for you?"
"No," I begrudgingly grumbled.
When the hell did he get so smart and rational anyway?
He eyed me, smiling sadly my way, as he brought up a hand to cup my face, soothingly rubbing it. "You're crazy you know that, right?"
"Yeah."
"And I can't wait to see all of the crap you and James will go through once you do get together."
I cocked my head to the side. "What are you saying?"
"I think he reciprocates the feeling, truthfully. He may not realize it, but you two make sense, in an odd and quirky way…"
"Really?"
"Yeah," he sighed.
I bit my lip, my insecurity shining through as I stuffed my hands into my lap, nervously clutching the sheet. "What if he says no? What if he actually likes the slag?"
He shrugged. "At least you gave it a go, told him… and Remus and I will always be here to pick up the pieces… plus there won't be any "what if", think about what a burden that'll lift from your shoulders."
"You think so?"
He grinned, nodding. "Yeah, I do," he breathed out, pulling me to his side, squeezing me comfortingly.
"You know, you're far more philosophical and sweet than you let people think…"
He shrugged, again. "Helps with the image."
I snorted. "I love you!"
"You better," he growled, pinching my side before tossing me onto the bed and tickling me.
As sweet as he may be, he'll always be a bastard nonetheless, and that act only testifies that fact.
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author's note: well i hope you like these changes, I was honestly very bothered by the previous version because I felt as if Lily was a very one-dimensional character, always bitchy and vindictive, so I'm trying to ameliorate that fact, hopefully you're all enjoying this version more, but if not, leave a comment on it.
PLEASE REVIEW!
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