Chapter III: I hate confessionals, too
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"So…"
I turned to look at the bloke that had just plopped down next to me in history of magic and greeted me with the rather unconventional salutation… not really charming, honestly, which is also why it baffled me that it managed to give my heart palpitations nonetheless. Damn girly heart of mine. "So…"
At that quip James threw me a rather nasty and withering look that actually managed to make me question why the hell I actually liked the bastard. Because really, in all honesty, all feelings aside, and all of that other preposterous nonsense, at the end of the line he was just an immature arse who still thought that poop jokes are funny… not that they aren't, but they aren't quite deserving of the hour long heckling in response that they tend to receive from James.
So why do I like-love him? What the hell is it about him that makes me swoon? Fuck, even I can't figure that out.
"No need to be sarcastic."
"No need to be monosyllabic," I retorted, smiling, I always do enjoy our rather less than witty battle of the wits. In reality they're just filled with pitiful insults that even a four year old would most likely mock incessantly. But, then again, I suppose James never was the brightest crayon in the box… he's more so the eye candy… even if he is in the top ten percent of our year… that's beside the point if he still laughs upon hearing the word "duty" because of its striking resemblance to the word "doodie".
He chuckled lightly as he snaked an arm across the back of my chair and turned to me, intently ignoring the professor. "So I haven't seen you in ages, but Remus and Sirius seem to be spending all of their time with you, care to tell me what it is that's going on."
"I have no idea what it is that you're referring to," I feigned innocence.
He arched a brow my way. "Oh, really?"
I nodded enthusiastically, lips pursed. "Yep."
"Lily, what's going on? What aren't you telling me? why does everyone seem to be in on whatever it is that you have going on, but me, one of your best friends?!" he asked, spewing question after question, his gaze growing more heated with each.
I had honestly never even entertained the possibility that my choosing Sirius and Remus's company over his might annoy him, but the fact that it did was rather invigorating, I must admit. At least my feelings aren't totally one-sided, he clearly does care for me…
"What do you care?"
That question seemed to throw James for a loop as he immediately withdrew his arm to run a hand through his hair as he fidgeted in his seat… actually looked like he was dying to go to the loo, not a very striking sight.
I think I offended him with that slightly uncouth question, actually.
"You just look… I don't know… calm, I guess. It's sort of scary-actually… more so disconcerting."
I cocked my head to the side as I sent hi a puzzled look. "How so?"
"You've never been this calm… makes me wonder if you're planning something," he slowly admitted, scrutinizing me curiously.
I laughed at the irony of it as I nudged his shoulder with my own, playing it off as a joke in a desperate attempt to detract away attention from my increasingly sweaty palms. My body always just seemed to "go asunder" when around him. "And what sort of a plan could possibly ever include avoiding you? You're the master of mucked up plans, I highly doubt that I would ever avoid enlisting you for one of my, admittedly, usually catastrophic plans."
He grinned as he raised his hands in defeat. "Just saying that you went into that `cat caught the canary,' eerily normal mode and it was scaring me… besides, love, I happen to like your crazy self, it's oddly endearing in a `Merlin I wish you'd just shut up already' way."
I hate to admit it, but I giggled then. I giggled, I actually giggled. I swear I sounded like some Jane Austen fanatic, hopelessly romantic tart. Honestly, it was pathetically embarrassing, it went against all my principles, as ridiculously feminist as they may have been… but at least I wasn't about to burn my bra, right?
Still… I hated him for being able to bring me to such lows, it was just cruel…
"Cute," I drawled, trying to ignore the affect that he had on me. "So I'm planning something, huh?-What makes you think that?" I raised an inquisitive eyebrow.
He shrugged, and damn him for that trademark move that was so manly-grunt-esque, as I had aptly and none too fondly, named it. "I don't know… in fact, I don't even think I want you to tell me if I'm right or wrong."
"And why's that?"
He shrugged again.
Honestly, what the hell is it with blokes and shrugging?!
"Well, on one hand, your plans never fair well, and then on the other… well, the idea that I was able to suss out the fact that you're planning something… that would mean I'd actually understand you, and entering that realm of terrifying logic doesn't sound much better than falling victim to your catastrophic plans. In fact I think I'd prefer my sanity to-to the other possibility."
I scoffed, throwing him a glare. "You're such an arse!"
He smirked, smugly crossing his arms across hiss chest and casually leaning back in his chair. "And yet you love me anyway."
And I hated the fact that that there was truth to that statement… it just wasn't fair…Damn prat.
--
They say that there are two things that you can always expect in life, two sureties in it if there are no others, and that's death and taxes, well that's bull.
I can think of a thousand other shitty things that you can add to that morbid list, like heart break… now that, that's a big one there. In fact, I'd be willing to bet everyone can at least attest for one that they had to bear through-be it that boy you were totally in love with when five but then he pulled your braid and you never really forgave him after, may Jeremy Bancock rot in hell for eternity, or the best friend, i.e. James here, who just can't seem to realize that yes, you do have breasts!
I suddenly felt a rather hard shoulder bump with mine and I scowled at the interruption in my, in my opinion, rather stunning and revolutionary tirade. "What?!" I spat, whipping my head so fast that I was surprised that my neck didn't crack from the sudden movement.
Sirius, however, being the prat that he was, merely smiled at me like an idiot, which he was. "What are you contemplating now?"
I shrugged. "Death and taxes," was my morose retort as I cocked my head to the side, turning my attention to trying to guess how many papers were on that massive pile atop my desk, making it look like Mount Everest, almost.
"That's rather morbid, don't you think?"
"I was comparing it to love."
"Scratch my previous statement then, that's very morbid."
I shrugged. "To each their own," I replied in a sing-song voice.
He chuckled, nudging my shoulder with his own. "What's going on up there, anyway?" he asked, knocking on my head with his knuckles. How rude! "Far too many cogs seem to be working in overdrive for that to be the extent of your worries."
"I don't know… it all just seems so stupid and folly, I guess."
"What?"
"This, the plan, my actually liking James-"
"Loving," he amended like the insufferable prat that he is.
"Right," I rolled my eyes at the pesky reminder, "that."
"So tell me, my dear," he began, shifting his body so that he was lying on his side and facing me. "What is it that seems so pointless?"
"Forcing a bloke to love me… I-I don't want to like-love James anymore. It hurts, it hurts like a fucking bitch and I hate it because it makes me that vulnerable weak girl that I promised myself I'd never be, but because, naturally, karma's a bitch, I am her! And then, to add insult to injury, no matter how much I piss and moan about-which, ironically enough, only adds to the whiny girl image I'm trying to escape-nothing ever changes. I'm not doing anything to ameliorate this whole fucking mess!" I ranted, admittedly not too coherently as each of my arguments came in a tangles mess of unrelated clauses. "I just-ugh!" I groaned, hitting the comforter in aggravation, a rather amazing display of my unparallel strength, if I may say so. "Just… ugh… what the fuck?!"
And like a prat, Sirius merely chortled in response. "Then fix it."
I guffawed. "Oh, and just like that it'll all be better, peaches and roses, right?"
"No," he scoffed. "Well, I don't think so… since I don't really know what the hell that saying means, but can only guess, I can't be a hundred percent sure if the answer is `no'-"
"Sirius," I stopped him, "going off on a tangent there."
"Right… well what I'm trying to say is that you don't know what'll happen, but if you want him then you have to take the chance."
"Hm… I don't like that, too many if clauses there," I decided, tactfully might I add.
He rolled his eyes. "Don't be so pessimistic, Lils."
"I'm not, I'm being rational here."
He guffawed. "Really, how?"
"He has a girlfriend," I reminded Sirius. "You know how rare that is for him… if she means something to him and I come and tell him about all of my feelings, well where will I be then? I'll lose a friend-"
"No you won't!"
"Yes," I argued. "I will, Sirius. It's not as simple as you paint it out to be there, even if we say we'll stay friends there'll always be that undercurrent of awkwardness and you know it!"
"But is all of this crap you're going through now not worth the chance? Don't you want to stop being that girl?"
Ooh, bringing that up was downright cruel of him. He knows my abhorrence for that cliché, cheeky bastard; how dare he turn the tables on me like that?!
I sighed, clinching my jaw. "You suck," I informed him.
He beamed. "You know I'm right."
"No, I know you're a prat."
"Whatever," he waved me off carelessly. "So long as you tell him…"
"I'll think about it… seriously, this time I actually will," I reassured him upon noting his disbelieving look.
--
"You should do it," Remus advised me as we sat huddled together in a far off corner of the library where no one else could possibly hear or happen across our conversation.
"Ugh," I groaned, throwing my head into my awaiting hands. "You're joining the bandwagon as well?!"
He laughed, most probably at my act of utter petulance. Oddly enough, however, I wasn't too bothered by that, but more so with how the universe seemed to be so against me…
Remus sighed, bringing a hand to my back and rubbing it comfortingly. "Come on, love, it'll all be okay, you'll see."
"Oh, honestly, do you even believe the shite you spew?!" I hysterically screeched, far from the prettiest sight at that point… I imagine that I must have sounded much like a mangled cat.
He softly smiled my way. "You don't have to be so scared, you know."
I rolled my eyes, scoffing. Preposterous!
"No… you don't, Lils-"
"I'm not going to lose him over some muddled up feelings that I may or may not even be having," I informed him through gritted teeth, back stiff and all.
He cocked a brow. "So now you've moved on to denial… or should I say reverted back to?"
I shrugged.
"You want him, Lils, you're in love with him," he informed me in return. "Don't play games anymore, it's juvenile and pathetic," he spat out, his distaste biting.
"What if he says no, Remus? What do I do then? Where am I left then?... Why can't you and Sirius see how terrible of an idea this is?!"
Taken aback, he paused for a second, but soon he regained composure. "Because… because sometimes it's worth it isn't it?"
And why does that make sense in a terribly illogical way? Fuck me.
--
"I… um… James, can we talk?" I asked him, interrupting him from what appeared to be a riveting bout of staring at the ceiling as he lay in bed.
"Yeah, sure, take a seat," he told me, patting the spot right next to him.
I plopped down onto it in a none too ladylike manner, and not the least bit bothered by that fact either. "I have to admit something."
"What?" he asked me, eyebrows stringing together as he turned on his side to face me, sending me a quizzical look, clearly perplexed by the obviously serious nature of the conversation, a rarity with me.
"I… well… ugh… it's-it's like this…" I stopped, tired of my incoherent stammering and rather angered by the amused look on James's face. Fucking arse.
"Yes?" he goaded.
I let out a deep, frustrated breath. "I… okay, here's the deal, I like you-actually, no… scratch that, I think I'm sort of in love with you… and I also sort of hate you for that, come to think of it, actually. Weird, right?" I rambled on nervously, plastering a big, fake smile onto my face when I finally finished with that last, lackluster, rhetorical question.
And I think his jaw may have very well alchemist hit the floor upon hearing that rather unorthodoxly put admission.
"Oh," he finally responded, his tone lost.
"Yeah," I agreed with a harsh nod or two… or God knows how many. "and I mean to add to it all, I'm hormonal because "aunt flow" decided to pop in, or out really, for an early visit, and-and I have to watch you go off with your little slag when all I really want to do is just grab you and throw you across that desk behind you there and do dirty, dirty things with you!... And-and," I sniffed helplessly. "And I think I'm going crazy from all of this, well crazier, because I'm on the verge of tears here and I don't cry, I just don't, I was never that girl… well until now, apparently."
"Oh."
"Yeah!" I cried out, hysterically too. "And I honestly think I'm on the verge of going mad with all this crap just piling atop of my shoulders, and all… so… yeah…" I weakly finished.
"Oh."
"You're saying that a lot."
He nodded again, expression lost.
I bit my lip.
He continued nodding, jaw still slack and bobbing, rather unattractively, with every nod.
"So…" I ventured.
"Um… I-I have to go," he announced before hopping up off his bed and blazing out that room like a human speedy Gonzales.
Well fuck me.
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author's note: so this is actually much more like I'd originally planned the story out to be like, before everything just went haywire with it after I started second guessing myself with it, and I hope you're preferring it.
PLEASE REVIEW.
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