A/N - We still have some way to go yet on our journey together. I don't own Harry Potter or Back to the Future and I make no money from any of this. You guys are going to hate me after reading this!
Thanks again to Katia, Dementor49 & Ragavendran
Chapter 12 - The swiftest but slowest of growths
Lilly looked surprised but answered the question, `All I know for sure is that it's really dark magic. I think it has something to do with splitting your soul and putting a piece of it in something else... but I'm not certain, why? James, what's wrong?'
James told her everything, he couldn't have kept it to himself (even though he thought he probably should) and she just listened in stunned silence. When he was done Lilly's first response, after she had recovered from her shock, was not at all what he would have expected.
`Do you think he wears his hair like that all the time, or would it just be to hide his resemblance to you?'
James gaped at her, `I can't believe that I tell you we're going to die, our son grows up an orphan, and is a Horcrux, and your first question is about his hair?'
Lilly's face crumpled in agony, `I'm sorry... I couldn't... I guess it's just shock. But, Oh James, what do you want me to say? I just want to curl into a little ball and cry... do you think there is anything we can do?'
`I don't know. Should we do anything if we could? Harry and Hermione obviously know what happens to us and maybe, with that knowledge, they'll be able to stop it or change it somehow...'
James trailed off but Lilly picked up the rest of his sentence, `But if we change something then what they know won't be true and it might make things worse.'
`It could...' James hugged his young son to his chest. Baby Harry was very loving and threw his arms around his father's neck in delight, returning the hug with all his babyish strength. `It just breaks my heart... this little guy might grow up alone.'
Tears welled in Lilly's eyes and she wrapped her husband and son in her embrace, `How do you think it happens? Do you think one of our friends kills us?'
James shook his head, `No, I think Voldemort does... something about the way they were talking, I just think... it has to be that.'
Lilly nodded, `Dumbledore warned us that we might have to go into hiding... we have been talking about the Fidelius charm should we do that?'
`I don't know... do you think we would have done it if we didn't know about all of this?'
Lilly looked like she was about to cry again so James rushed to re-assure her, `You know what, it doesn't matter, we don't have to figure this out now... in fact it's probably best if we don't. We wouldn't have talked about this today otherwise. We were supposed to go and see Dumbledore in the New Year and talk about our options then, so we'll just stick with that plan.'
Lilly nodded and James shifted their positions so that now his arm was around her again, `We'll just try not to take this information into consideration when we make our decisions... that's all we can do and in the meantime, we'll enjoy what time we have with our son.'
`The older one and the younger one,' added Lilly.
James nodded, `Yeah,' then in attempt to lighten the mood he added, `so, now that's decided, what should we get him for Christmas?'
Harry and Hermione had a very rough night. Ever since the incident with the poison they had stopped pretending that they didn't hold each other through the night, but on this night they slept on opposite sides of the bed, not touching at all for the first time in months, and neither one of them slept well.
When Hermione got out of bed at about 4am Harry just watched her go, but then after a minute of lying on his back and just staring at the ceiling he got up too. He grabbed his t-shirt from the floor and pulled it over his head as he made his way down the stairs. When he got to the kitchen he just stood in the doorway, arms folded across his chest and leaning against the door frame, watching her as she busied herself making breakfast.
`So what's going on Hermione?'
She looked up in surprise, `What do you mean? I'm making breakfast.'
`No I mean between us... are you scared that I'm going to suddenly go on a killing spree or something?'
She put down the pot she was holding with a clang and leaned against the bench, her shoulders drooping, `Of course not.'
`Then why have you been treating me like a stranger? Surely you weren't that convinced that I wasn't a Horcrux, were you?'
`I didn't let myself consider any other possibility... Harry,' she sobbed his name and he immediately went to her and put his arms around her. She turned towards him and buried her face in his broad chest, `what are we going to do? How are you going to survive this?'
`We'll think of something... its ok, we've still got ages til Halloween, we'll think of something.'
Her grip on him tightened and she raised her tear-stained face to his, `I don't think I could bear it... how can you be so calm?'
Harry shrugged, `I've gotten used to the idea, and I'm pretty confident that if we focus on it, we'll be able to figure out a way to get this thing out of my head.'
Hermione smiled weakly up at him, `Well I'll do my best, but you better get me something nice for Christmas.'
He laughed but continued to hold her close and stroke her hair, 'I will, don't worry,' but for some inexplicable reason his chest ached with loss.
Over the remaining weeks until Christmas they spent their time evenly divided between trying to plan a way to save his parents and trying to figure out a way to remove the Horcrux from Harry's head which didn't result in his death. Unfortunately neither problem was the kind which had a solution readily available in a book. Harry didn't think it was even something which would be in an obscure book. He thought the solution would have to be one which they invented themselves, but Hermione refused to give up on her research even though they weren't getting anywhere.
When Christmas day came Harry woke up early. Hermione was snuggled into his side, as usual, and for a moment he just lay there and looked at her. The ache which he had first felt the morning after discovering he was a Horcrux had not abated in the few weeks that had passed since. If anything it seemed to get more intense and painful every day. Sometimes he'd forget about the ache for a moment, if something funny happened and they were laughing but then as soon as he stopped laughing the ache would return, more intense than before.
At this moment, lying in bed on Christmas morning with Hermione snuggled up to his side, the ache was so intense it felt like something had actually been ripped from his chest. It was as though he'd lost something incredibly important. It was a strange sensation because he knew, intellectually, that he hadn't lost anything at all. He had more now than he'd ever had before in his life, and he couldn't explain why, but he felt like it was all about to be taken away.
Harry pushed aside his tangled thoughts and nudged Hermione.
`Hey, wake up. It's Christmas; don't you want to see what I got you?'
Hermione's eyes opened and she stretched and yawned, then snuggled back into his chest and closed her eyes again.
`It can't be better than this, surely?'
Harry laughed, it was a good thing he'd waited a while before waking her up or she probably would have felt very differently, `Well, I don't know... I was pretty proud of myself with this gift.'
Hermione cracked an eye open and looked at him, `hmm...'
The ache in Harry's chest intensified, but he smiled bravely through the pain, `Come on, I promise you'll love it.'
Without waiting for a response Harry flipped back the covers, Hermione shrank away from the cold and Harry got out of bed. He collected his t-shirt from the floor and pulled it over his head, then turned back to where Hermione was still lying. She had an odd expression on her face but he ignored that in favour of grabbing her by the ankle and dragging her towards the edge of the bed.
Hermione squealed and sat up, `Alright, I'm up!'
It had taken him a long time to find Hermione's present, in the end he'd had to resort to a disguise to venture into Knockturn Alley for it, but it had been worth it.
`Oh my god, Harry! A pensieve? I can't believe you did this... and there's a memory in it too.'
Harry shrugged, `It was the strangest thing, but I remembered Aunt Petunia saying that it was bad luck to give someone a purse without money in it and I couldn't shake the feeling that giving someone a pensieve without a memory was just as bad.'
`Which memory did you give me?' she asked next.
`I couldn't decide, most of my good memories have you in them any way... so in the end I just went with one of my favourites. I gave you my memory of the day we became friends.'
`Oh Harry,' she reached over and wrapped him in a hug, `That's so sweet. I can't believe it... and I thought this year I'd be giving you the better present!' she tried to look as though she was annoyed but Harry didn't buy it for a second.
`I can take it back if you like, and get you something crap...'
She laughed and her faux-annoyance dissolved, `you better not.'
`So come on, where's mine then?'
`Oh, of course!' Hermione jumped up, grabbed his hand and all but dragged him out to the backyard.
Harry allowed himself to be dragged along in her wake and was just about to say, "So where is it then?" when she propelled him out the back door and suddenly it was there, right in front of him in all its shiny, black, and chrome glory.
She had bought him a motorbike.
For a moment Harry just stood and stared at it, utterly speechless, `I can't believe you did this.'
His shock was palpable as he approached the gleaming machine and reverently ran his hand over its seat and tank. `This is just amazing but it's so...' he struggled to find the right words, `I can't believe you'd do something so...'
Hermione giggled, `I know, stupid, reckless... fantastic?' she said the last somewhat hopefully.
`All of it but... especially fantastic, Hermione, this is awesome.'
Her smile brightened, `I know it's going to be a pain to try and take back with us but your dad wanted to get rid of it... and he was so sure you'd like it. He promised that he'd finally got all the bugs worked out and said there was no way you'd have any of the problems he'd had.'
Harry grinned, `No, I hope not. This was my dad's then, was it?' Harry had only ever seen his dad's bike in pieces so hadn't recognised it.
`So you like it then?'
`Hermione, I love it.'
The rest of the day passed very happily, much the same as the previous Christmas had. Sirius' prank that year did not involve any mistletoe; this year it was cookies that were charmed to turn everyone who ate one into Santa with the traditional costume, for five minutes. James thought they were hilarious and made sure that he was Santa for the entire time he was giving out the Christmas gifts, even though Sirius insisted on sitting on his lap to receive his gift.
Lilly and James had brought Harry and Hermione presents that were just for each of them, rather than a combined present as they had last year, and Harry's was a leather motor bike Jacket with "Marauder" embroidered in red on the back. It was such a fun day that Harry almost forgot about the ache in his chest, except in the odd moments when it came back painfully.
Their holiday did not last long and by Boxing Day they were back to work. Harry had all but given up on the idea of finding a solution to their problem in a book. It was too specific, too unusual, surely, for anyone to have written anything about it. So instead he continued his training regime, expanding it to include weights as well as the jogging and intensive spell casting, Hermione joined him for a few hours each afternoon but mostly he was on his own. Occasionally he would get an idea and run inside to get Hermione's opinion; usually she would dismiss it out of hand. Sometimes he did hit on something that she would look into a little further before telling him it wouldn't work.
As time continued to tick relentlessly by Harry couldn't help but begin to feel more despondent. He knew now what the ache in his chest was, his time was running out and there was no amount of luck or sheer audacity that would help him this time.
By the time Valentine's Day came around again Harry was feeling so trapped by everything that he decided it was a good excuse to get out of the house, and take Hermione with him. Hermione was sitting in the window seat in the living room (her favourite place to sit and read) when Harry strode into the room. He was already wearing the leather jacket his parents had given him for Christmas with his jeans and docs in preparation for the ride. Hermione heard his entrance and looked up.
`Are you going somewhere?'
`We are. It's Valentine's Day and … I thought … you might like to go out for dinner or something? Maybe see a movie?' He'd started out so sure of what he was doing, and so determined, but somehow standing in front of her he felt unsure of himself again.
Hermione looked at him, `Ok, shall we go to dinner or a movie first?'
`Whichever you like,' Harry said, relieved.
`I'll just go and get changed then.'
They ended up seeing the movie first, a stupid comedy with Goldie Hawn in it called "Private Benjamin" which had just been released. A stupid comedy, Harry realised as they left the theatre, had been exactly what he needed. It was something that he could just laugh at and forget his troubles for a moment. Unfortunately, that is how long his troubles were forgotten. No sooner had they left the theatre, and he was walking hand in hand with Hermione down the street to a nearby restaurant, then the ache in his chest returned in full measure.
It stayed with him too, all through dinner. The restaurant was a cosy little Italian place with good food and even better wine, though Harry only had one glass. It had been decorated for Valentine 's Day with candles on each of the tables. Ordinarily Harry would have loved it, it wasn't overtly romantic in the cheesy way that Madam Puddifoot's had been, but had instead a warm, gentle romantic ambiance.
But tonight he couldn't enjoy it.
Every time he looked across the table to Hermione the feeling would return, stronger and more painful than before. He couldn't understand why, she looked great tonight. She'd used the spell on her hair so its beautiful honey highlights glowed in the soft candle light, her eyes sparkled and her smile was radiant.
Harry really could almost kick himself for how long it had taken him to see her beauty but, he thought, Hermione had the kind of beauty only really seen by someone who was looking for it. She wasn't the kind of girl that random men would crane their necks to look at when she walked past. It wasn't until you spoke to her that you could see how remarkable she really was. Her eyes were especially beautiful when she talked about something that really interested her, they would flash and sparkle and enchant anyone looking into them.
She was talking but Harry didn't hear a word she was saying, all he could see was her smile and the way her eyes were lit up. In her own way she was far more beautiful than any other girl he'd ever met. All those months ago his dad had told him how beautiful Hermione was and at the time he'd agreed, but it wasn't until this very moment that he really saw it himself.
The ache in his chest intensified and suddenly all of the pieces clicked into place in his mind. He loved her. He loved her and he couldn't have her. It wasn't because of Ron, or Ginny, or any other stupid reason like that. It was because of him and his own stupid fate. He was a Horcrux and, unless there was a miracle, he had to die.
That was when the solution to the problem occurred to him and Harry knew immediately that it would work. It was too simple and too heartbreaking not to. As long as he had to die anyway, his death may as well mean something. A life had to be sacrificed so that the killing curse cast on him as a baby would re-bound upon its originator, and as long as that was the case, it may as well be his life.
That's why he could never tell Hermione how he felt. He couldn't burden her with that, not while knowing that he had only a few months to live. She'd already given him so much, had already done so much for him, he couldn't ask for that as well.
Hermione noticed straight away that something was wrong, `Are you okay, Harry?' she asked snapping him out of his thoughts.
`I'm fine; I'm just... a bit tired. Do you mind if we go?'
`No, of course not,' she collected her coat and Harry paid the bill. Within minutes they were back on his bike and speeding back down the dark country lanes towards their house.
Harry thought he'd fooled her but he should have known better. She had merely accepted that whatever was bothering him couldn't be discussed in the middle of a busy muggle restaurant but as soon as they walked in the door to their house Hermione rounded on him.
`Ok, Harry, what's going on? Why did you suddenly look like someone had killed your puppy back there?'
Harry took a deep breath, to try and prepare himself (if that was possible) to tell Hermione the conclusion that he'd come to.
`I have to let Voldemort kill me.'
Hermione frowned, `What are you talking about? Why would you do that?'
`Hermione, I'm a Horcrux... they only way to kill Voldemort is for me to die as well.'
`That is crazy, Harry, we don't know that for sure... there has to be another way.'
`There isn't, and we both know it.'
`We don't know it at all, and even if it were true... maybe we could do it in a controlled way, and bring you back?' she was pleading with him now so he stepped closer and put his arms around her, unable to resist the urge to comfort her.
`It wouldn't work; if it brings me back... it'd bring it back too. So if I have to die, I may as well make it mean something.'
Hermione punched her fist futilely into his chest, `I don't understand, how it could mean something other than that you'd be dead?'
`I would've thought it was obvious.' He said looking down at her, `it was my mother's love that saved me last time,' he shrugged, `this time it will be my love that saves my entire family. If it gives me a childhood with my family then, I think it's worth it.'
Hermione pushed him away roughly, `Don't be so quick to go and kill yourself, you don't even know if that will work and if it doesn't you'll create a paradox. Even if it does work you might create a paradox.'
She was angry; Harry didn't need to be a seer to see that. She shoved past him into the lounge and sat on the sofa, her knees pulled up to her chest.
`How would it create a paradox, even if it does work?' asked Harry trying to reason with her.
`Well, if you grew up with your parents instead of your aunt and uncle would you still be willing to sacrifice yourself to save them?'
`Of course I would, you don't think it would change me so much that I wouldn't value their lives, do you? If anything it would probably make me want to save them even more, because I'd have an even better understanding of what I'd lose.'
`What about your Horcrux then? Maybe the only reason it was created was because Voldemort had just slaughtered an entire innocent family? If he only kills you it might not be enough for him to accidentally create a Horcrux in you.'
`I'd still stand in front of a killing curse for them, Horcrux or no.'
`But what about Ginny?' Hermione finally asked in desperation
`What about her?' Harry could hardly believe Hermione was going to try and use Ginny as a reason to not save his family.
`If the baby across the street doesn't become a Horcrux then you wouldn't have been able to save Ginny in our second year and who knows what might have happened to her.'
Harry sighed, `So you do the spell on baby me after Voldemort is taken out and if I'm not a Horcrux you go find where the diary is and destroy it before anything happens. Why are you so set against this Hermione? Don't you want me to have my parents around while I'm growing up?'
`Of course I do! How could you even say that? I just, oh Harry, I just want you to have a life after this as well. Can't we at least try and find a way to keep you alive too?'
Harry moved towards her, sensing that she would welcome his presence again, `Of course we can, I just think you should prepare yourself for the possibility that there might not be another way.'
`You can prepare yourself for that all you like,' she said, snuggling back into his embrace once more, `I'm going to fight it with everything I've got.'
Harry hoped that she would be able to find some way around this mess but, honestly, he didn't believe he had a shot. It was what the prophecy said after all, he was the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord and neither of them could live.
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