Chapter VI: Straddling Between Life and Death
--
"And we ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten. But the love will have been enough; all those
impulses of love return to the love that made them. Even memory is not necessary for love. There is a land of the
living and a land of the dead."
~Thorton Wilder
It was three in the morning and the knocking at the door couldn't be ignored. I hated mornings, but having my rem cycle interrupted in such an annoying fashion was the worst by far.
With a groan I hauled my body up and stumbled through my flat towards the door. I fumbled blindly; just barely missing a pile of books I had left lying on the floor. Thank god I did or I probably would have cracked my head open.
With a suffering sigh I yanked my front door open, not expecting the sight before me in the slightest. "H-Harry?" I stuttered, my eyes wide as I was suddenly doused with a burst of energy.
"Hey, Hermione," Harry greeted me, the left corner of his lips rising just a smidge, but I could see he was excited to see me. Beneath the battered and bruised skin, was a man who looked so ridiculously complete at the sight of me.
It was a disconcerting realization, but it warmed me in a way I'd never expected. The deep heat that settled in the pit of my stomach was wonderful.
"Harry… what are you doing here? What happened to you?" I asked, stepping forward and lightly touching his face. I let my finger drag across his cheekbone, tracing what looked like a deep gash that slashed his skin. He immediately leaned into my touch and the other corner of his lip rose, too.
"I've missed you," he whispered as he raised his hand over mine, clasping my hand in his. Slowly he brought my fingers to his lips, lightly kissing them. "I've missed you so much," he told me with a groan.
I smiled. "I missed you, too," I whispered. "Come on," I told him, moving my head so as to motion towards my flat. "Let's go inside and get you cleaned up."
"Wait," he hoarsely stopped me. "Just wait a second… give me a second. It's been a month and a hellish one. I just want to look at you. I've missed you."
"I know, you've told me," I teased.
"Smarmy girl," he grinned.
"What happened, Harry?"
He shook his head. "Can't say."
"I know," I assured him. "But what can you tell me?"
He shrugged. "We just got back from Austria and… I didn't want to go anywhere, but here," he admitted. "I'm sorry about totally cocking up your night by waking you up like this, but I needed to see you."
"I'm glad you did."
"Thanks," he whispered before finally making a move to let me lead him into my flat.
"Why don't you go take a shower and I'll collect my balms to help you with those cuts and bruises," I offered.
He nodded and I turned towards my office, well aware that he knew how to find his drawer and my bathroom. Instead, however, he stopped me, grabbing hold of my hand and forcing me to turn to him.
I cocked my head to the side, brow furrowing. "Is something wrong?"
"No," he shook his head. "I just missed seeing you. It… I can't tell you how amazing it is to see you again."
I couldn't help the blush that spread across my face, that tender look in his eyes just did me in. "I wish I could say the same for you," I quipped. "But I'm afraid a face full of scars and grime isn't your most attractive look, love," I teased.
He chuckled, his eyes merry. "But I missed your voice most… hearing you, the feeling of being with you."
"Careful, Potter, people might say you've gone soft…"
"Granger, you did me in five years ago. That's old news by now," he informed me before pressing a soft kiss to my forehead and making his way to my bedroom.
"There was something about the way that he looked at me that night. I've never seen him look at me like that… or I didn't see it before, I don't know," Hermione rambled.
"It was a beautiful look," the voice intoned.
"Yeah," Hermione whispered. "It really was. It… it made me feel so amazing, as if I could do anything. I know that that sounds a bit ridiculous-"
"No. No, it doesn't," the voice assured her.
"Loving him was so easy at moments like those," Hermione admitted. "He could make me feel invincible without even really trying."
"And other times?"
"What?" Hermione asked, curiosity piqued.
"What about the bad times?"
Hermione breathed out a heavy breath. "Those were terrible. We just… we know each other too well, we know exactly which buttons to push and it makes us so destructive and combustible at times. We can hurt each other like no other."
"Show me. Show me what brought you here…"
--
"Harry, what did you do?" Ron couldn't help finally asking as the two made their way from the apparation site to the building where the Make a Dream Foundation was located.
"I don't want to talk about it," Harry stiffly informed him.
Ron stopped in his tracks, yanking Harry's arm as he did so to force Harry to face him. "You have to realize that I don't really care all that much about what you want and don't want. Neville's not here so I don't have to worry about stirring something up that just leaves you two hexing each other rather than focusing on Hermione. We're alone now and I need to know. This… this is serious, bigger than the two of us. I need to know what the hell it was that brought you two to this point."
Harry shrugged, frowning. "I… I honestly don't know. I've been working a lot of overtime lately. I haven't done that in over a year now, but with the Rene Pelletier case…" he groaned. "I know I've been fucking up, but the case was huge. I knew she was angry about it, but I couldn't just stop half way through. So I promised her that I'd take her away as soon as it ended. It was supposed to be one month of just her and me, wherever she desired. But it's been five months since that promise and the case has been solved for two of them, but the court proceedings start in two weeks and I want to be here for that, but who knows when that'll end…"
"And she got fed up?"
Harry mutely nodded, raking a hand through his hair. "We came to blows over it. She… it was just so weird," he admitted. "She kept going on and on about how I didn't love her and how we may as well just call it quits-"
"What?"
"I know," Harry enthusiastically nodded, his eyes wide. "And I just… I was so furious. I couldn't believe that she could doubt me like that; I was insulted. Ron, I love her more than anything, I'm more in love with her than I ever thought possible. It's been six years and I love her more than ever before. I-I just couldn't understand why she couldn't see that. How could she think so little of me?"
"Well… I mean…" Ron struggled a bit as his shoulders slumped. "You know how Hermione is. Under all the brawn and all… and I'm sure she does-"
"I do," Harry regretfully informed him. "And I know she loves me, but I couldn't help but doubt it then. I know she probably didn't mean it in the way it came off, but it was in the heat of the moment and I was feeling bitter. So… I told her that if she was so sure that I didn't properly love her, then I must not. I told her she might as well leave and not bother coming back to me. Ron, you have to understand that I didn't mean it, I really didn't," he confided. "As soon as I said those words, I knew I buggered it all up and I wanted to take it back, but she left before I could say anything. She even slapped me when I tried to make a grab for her so that we could talk.
Ron's eyebrows were strung together as he gaped at Harry. "You… you two are idiots, even by my standards. I mean… people call me the imbecile, but look at you two," he spat.
"I know," Harry breathed out, dragging his hand through his hair again. "I know," he repeated. "But… I didn't mean it, I swear. I love the chit, I really do… even when she's being a bit nutters."
"Damn shame she doesn't know it, too," Ron shook his head before turning away from Harry and taking long and purposeful strides towards the Make a Dream Foundation headquarters.
Harry let out a self-deprecating sigh before readjusting his cap and following after Ron's steps.
--
"You never have time for me. All you even care about is this stupid case!"
"He raped and murdered over ten little girls, and those are just the ones we know of. How the hell can you even call that stupid?" he asked, furious and incredulous.
I immediately stepped back a bit, but it wasn't because of his biting anger so much as my regret. He was right; I was being petty and self-centered in that regard. I shouldn't have been so callous. Still, I was too angry to apologize. Instead, I pushed forth.
"I know it's an important case, Harry, but it's over. You solved it. It's been two months since you solved that damn case… five months since you promised me that we'd get away."
He dragged a hand through his hair and shifted his weight from one foot to the other as his scowl turned into a frown. "I know that I've been fucking things up late-"
"No!" I cut him off and his eyes widened a bit at the force that followed my words. "I'm so sick of this, Harry. Why don't you just end it already?"
His eyes widened and his jaw went slack. "What are you talking about? Where did that-?"
"Oh come on, Harry!" I spat. "Don't act like an idiot now. It's so obvious."
"What the hell is obvious, because I'm clearly not seeing it?!"
"You don't love me, Harry!"
He squinted a bit, trying to discern where my sudden outburst had come from. "Hermione, I know I mucked things up, but-"
"There aren't any buts, Harry!" I exclaimed, my arms wildly flailing around. "I look at you and all I see is regret."
"Regret?" he repeated. I could tell that he didn't know what to make of my whole outburst; he was baffled. He'd never quite seen me like this.
"Yes," I nodded. "I regret ever being with you because every time I look at you all I see is a man who's stuck with me. All I see when I look at you is that you're not in love with me anymore and you haven't been for a long time, years even."
"How can you say that? Can't you see that-?"
"Clearly I don't, Harry. Clearly something's missing here, something that's making me doubt everything we've built together. Can't you see that? Can't you see how much this is killing me?" I cried, tears streaming down my face.
"Hermione," he whispered, making a move towards me, his hand reaching for me.
I immediately stepped back. "No," I shook my head. "I won't let you just kiss this away like everything else, Harry. This is serious. You're not in love with me anymore. Don't you realize how much you're hurting me by forcing me to be here… to watch you fall further and further out of love with me."
"I'm not-"
"Yes you are!" I pushed. "I can see it, don't make a fool out of me, not anymore than you already have."
"Where is this even coming from? Hermione-"
"I've been thinking this for months, Harry," I informed him, my tone cutting.
"You… you what?" he asked, his breaths coming out in short puffs as he stared at me, wholly befuddled. "I... I can't believe you…"
"What is there not to believe, Harry?" I asked.
"That you could think that…"
"How can I not. I just have to look at you, that's all it takes! I told you, I told you that we shouldn't be together-"
"You said you were happy."
"Well maybe I lied!"
He retreated at that, stepping back and staring at me with wide eyes. "Well maybe you're right then," he whispered.
"About what?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.
"If you say it's like that, then I probably don't love you at all. You're the smart one, you figure it out," he retorted. "Maybe you should just leave… leave and don't bother coming back, there isn't anything here for you anyway."
I hadn't been expecting that. I honestly never expected him to say something like that. His words and tone were just so cold that it cut me to the core. I didn't know what to say so I did the only thing I could, I ran. I turned and I made my way towards the door.
"Hermione," he whispered, he sounded so broken, but I wasn't going to let him make a fool of me again. He'd said his part, he made his feelings more than clear so when he made a grab for me I spun on my heel and slapped him.
The red angry mark on his face was one that I instantly regretted leaving on his cheek, but I wasn't going to give him the chance or time to prolong that hell. I ran out the door, slamming it on my way out.
I ended it once and for all.
"I was a bitch," Hermione admitted, her tone flooded with regret. "I pushed him to say those things. I see that now," she told the voice.
"Good, because you were a fright."
"I know," Hermione reluctantly said. "He… he didn't deserve to be treated that way. Even with everything, he always… he tried to be there, he tried so hard to be his best for me…"
"You were lucky to have him," the voice imparted.
"I know… do… do you think I forced him to say what he did? Pushed it on him?" she asked, a tremor of fear striking her as the realization hit her. "Going back… looking at it. Things are different… I can't help, but wonder…"
"I can't say for sure, but, to me, that doesn't look like a man who isn't in love."
"You think?"
"Yeah," the voice divulged. "I genuinely think he's in love with you and that you're as blind as a bat… or however the adage goes."
--
When Harry walked through the door of the office that housed the Make a Dream Foundation, two things immediately struck him, springing to his attention.
The waiting room was so incredibly clinical. The place was white and spotless, as if they doused the entire room with bleach on a daily basis. Even the furniture and electronics were the most brilliant shade of white, he almost felt as if it redefined the color white for him, showing him just how white white could get. It… striking was the only adjective he could muster to depict it.
Then his jaw went slightly slack at the sight of the contraption in the far right corner of the room. It printed small business card sized papers, which, once complete, floated. They levitated about half a meter above the contraption and then *poof*! Poof, each disappeared with a slight mist left in its tracks. He didn't know what the hell it was, but he knew what it produced, he was positive about that. He'd held that very same note in his hand just earlier that day.
"What the hell is that thing?" Ron asked, eyes wide as he stared at the contraption that had left Harry perplexed, too.
"That's hardly important," a snippy voice cut in, drawing Harry and Ron's eyes to who sat behind the secretarial desk. "Welcome to the Make a Dream Foundation. How may I help you?" she asked, a smile suddenly blossoming.
"I'd like to speak to Healer Calvin," Harry informed her.
"Well I'm afraid that that simply won't be possible until you fill out a form," she informed them, quickly using her wand to levitate two forms and quills to Harry and Ron.
Harry glared at the paper before returning his attention to the woman manning the desk. "I'm Harry Potter of the Auror D-"
"Sir, I know who you are," she assured him. "And while I would love to personally thank you for all that you have done for our world, I cannot do so on behalf of Healer Calvin. The Healer has a strict policy about not endorsing any ort of preferential treatment."
"But he's-"
"If you'd just fill out the form," she pleaded, "I'll get it to him as soon as possible and make sure that it's immediately brought to his attention," she assured him.
"With a low growl, Harry stiffly nodded as he snatched the parchment and quill from where it was still floating before him.
"Thank you" her smile widened. "And feel free to take a seat, our sofas are spectacularly cozy!"
"And blinding," Ron lowly muttered as he followed suit and grabbed the materials, too.
--
"I… I love him," Hermione murmured. It was odd, that sudden rush of cognizance. She had known she loved him, only a terribly unparalleled love could lead her to do what she decided to do. Yet there was something about that moment of realization, too, when she was forced to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't as destructive as she'd assumed.
It was sudden, unprecedented. There wasn't any logic behind the change, and she hated that more than anything, but there wasn't any doubting it: her perception was misconstrued.
She loved him and she didn't think she was ready to let that feeling go. No, she was damn sure of the fact that she wasn't ready to let go of something that had been in motion for over six years.
"I know," the consoling voice informed her and she could sense a tinge of empathy and regret in his words.
"I was… I didn't think!" she argued, her tone hurried as she tried to explain, tried to convince him. "I wasn't being pragmatic… I was too emotional. I… I was wrong. He… he's the best and worst thing that ever happened to me, but I… I really wouldn't change a thing about him… I wouldn't-" she admitted, her voice breaking as she spoke. The cries were excruciating to hear, even to her own ears. She'd never been in such an emotional state, she didn't even know how to deal with herself at that moment. "I don't want to forget him. I love him, I really do. I don't… I don't usually muck things up like this, I don't. He screwed up and he's hurt me so many times, but I love him and I've done the same to him, and… and he loves me, too, regardless! I need him. You have to see that I'm not really me without him. I'm in love with him! Don't… don't make me-"
"I… I'm afraid that I don't have a choice in the matter. It's over," the voice informed her and she couldn't help, but note the tinge of reluctance that seeped through his words.
"No!" she cried. "It can't be. It just… it can't. There… there has to be another way, this can't just be it. You don't understand. There can't possiblybe only one way, that's just not how the world works. I can find another way!"
"But I do," he replied. "I do understand. I can see that you want him, that you miss him, that you were hurt, but I can't fix all of this for you now. You made the choice; I told you that the decision would be finite. This is your fault, you made this mess. There isn't any going back now, Miss Granger. You were aware of these consequences."
"But… but this can't… this can't just be it!" she stammered. "There has to be another way. There-"
"I'm afraid there isn't. This is it, Miss Granger."
"But-"
"No," the voice cut her off.
She sighed, her breath shaky and broken. "I love him. I know I can find another way, I'm positive," she repeated.
"And it's a damn shame that you're wrong," the voice noted. "But what's done is done."
"But I… I was wrong!"
"We all have to mess up sometimes."
"But-"
"I'm afraid it really is over, Miss Granger."
--
"Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, what a surprise," Healer Calvin greeted them as he let them into his office.
"Is it, really?" Harry dully asked as he seated himself.
Calvin smiled, shaking his head. "No, not really, but it's an honor nevertheless. How may I help you?"
"I think you know."
"Hmmm," he hummed. I'm not sure about how much I'm at liberty to divulge. This is after all, Miss Granger's business, not yours."
"I'd say that given the fact that she's trying to forget me, it would involve me, too."
"See, some might say that, but it's really about the patient. It doesn't actually have anything to do with you so much as her psyche and her moving on. This whole process was entirely about her, not you."
"You… you don't have the right to do something like this!" Ron burst out.
"You're right," Calvin conceded. "But she does, and she was the one that did. She took the potion, drank it herself, and she went through the whole process of forgetting Mister Potter. She did it all, and she had the right to."
Harry sat there, wholly shocked as he listened to the Healer's words. "How can you just toy with people's lives like that? How can you just forget about everyone else out there? There's a whole wizarding world out there that worships "the trio", how can you ignore that?"
"It wasn't ignored," Calvin informed him, quite simply. "As far as Hermione is now concerned, what the wizarding world sees is what everyone else wants them to see. She believes that you two were acquaintances who only ever spoke of anything regarding your tasks to kill Voldemort. You came off as close because there was so much to discuss in that regard and you couldn't very well tip off the general public about it. In fact, she always found you to be incredibly self-centered and whiney."
Harry shook his head, entirely perplexed. "I love her. I'm in love with her, how can that not count for anything? How am I just supposed to forget that?"
Calvin shrugged. "If you'd like, I can offer you the-"
"No," Harry gruffly grunted. "I don't want your potion. I don't want to forget and I don't want her to either."
"It's too late for that," Calvin told him. "She's gone and she's forgotten everything."
"How can you be sure? How are you certain that she's forgotten?"
"I haven't spoken her since she first took a sip of the potion," he admitted. "After the process is complete, the patient is lulled into a state of a coma for three hours or so before they wake."
"So… so you don't even know for sure then?" Ron cut in. "she might still have her memory… her proper memory?"
"No," Calvin shook his head. "I'm certain of the fact that she doesn't, absolutely certain. I have thousands of previous trials to support me in this respect."
"Un-fucking-believable," Ron grunted before pushing his chair out and stomping out of the room, muttering and cursing Hermione as he escaped the room.
Harry sighed as he let his head fall into his hands, which were propped up on his knees. "No… no one should be able to do this," he said, his voice muffled by his hands, but Calvin was able to understand him regardless. "You shouldn't be able to just toy with people's lives like this. It's so wrong."
"But clearly necessary, this is a lucrative business, Mister Potter."
With a bitter laugh Harry raised himself up off of the chair. "I'm sure it is," he cynically noted. "I'm not surprised that people would want to run away from their problems, but you shouldn't take advantage of their vices like that. You're a bastard."
"I've been called worse, I must admit."
"Of course you have," Harry sighed, his shoulder slumped as he turned to make his way out of the room, following Ron's lead.
"Mister Potter, I truly am sorry for your loss," Calvin said, stopping Harry in his tracks. "I doubt it means much to you, but it's rare that I see a case like this. She did love you though, and she did regret her decision at the end. She didn't want to forget you, but she was too far gone and what's done is done, I'm afraid."
"But… it can't be that simple."
"You're right, it's not," Calvin agreed. "The rub is that if you try to make her remember you can cause a mental breakdown."
Harry's eyes widened as he turned to the healer. "What do you mean?"
The healer sighed. "Her entire memory has been rebuilt and if you try to force another reality onto her and it does work, theoretically, the two will combat one another. Each perception of reality will fight for dominance and it could break her psyche. She'd go insane, Mister Potter."
"That… that can't-"
"I'm afraid that that's the reality of this situation," he regretfully conveyed.
--
Two hours earlier.
With a groggy start, Hermione raised her head. She squinted as blisteringly bright light seeped into her room. Gripping at the comforter, she tried to gain lucidity, but felt like she was failing.
Groaning, she somehow found the strength to pull her body up, against gravity. She considered it the single greatest feat she'd ever achieved. That move required more physical force than she ever remembered putting herself through, even with the war!
"What did I do last night?" she asked herself as she rubbed her eyes as she straightened her back, wincing when she heard it crack a bit.
"That's attractive," she muttered before turning to search for her WiziCell. Finally, she found it on top of her tattered copy of Wodehouse's A Damsel in Distress, which sat by her purse. Fully opening her eyes for the first time, she took in her surroundings. "Wait a minute… how the hell did I get here?"
--
The sound of "Bennie and the Jets" rang as Harry and Ron made their way to the apparation point, both quiet and pensive as they walked. Harry's eyebrows pulled together once finding the source of the ringing. "It's Neville," he told Ron.
"Good," Ron nodded. "He should know what we found out."
"Yeah," Harry sighed. "Hey Neville."
"Harry, thank god!" Neville said, heavily breathing. "It's Hermione, she's back…"
--
Author's Note: I've managed to finish the story (as has my wonderful beta, Searcy) and leave soon so I'm hoping to post the rest of the story within the next week. Please review.
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