Title: The Smart One
Author Name: Urania Black
Rating: G
Spoilers: SS, CoS, PoA, GoF, OotP
Summary: I only wanted to go for a walk. I'm supposed to be the smart one.
DISCLAIMER: All belongs to J.K. Rowling.
I knew it was wrong. But then magic was wrong as well, according to my father. What exactly did wrong mean any more? I knew murder and lying and dark magic were wrong. Those were simple, easy to decipher from the gray areas of life. I had wanted to believe everything was black and white, right or wrong. But this must surely be wrong. I had thought at first that maybe it was only because he needed someone to touch and love that the affair had started, if you could call it an affair. I love him and I believe he loves me. Whenever I feel like the world is overwhelming I need only to think of Harry's sparkling emerald eyes and nothing seems so horribly bad anymore
I knew it was wrong. I knew it, but still the temptation was overwhelming. A small brush of his hand at breakfast, the tickle of his warm breath against my skin when he whispered a private joke in my ear. I knew it was wrong. He didn't seem to think it was. I can never escape his eyes. They follow me everywhere. I had to get away from the house before I did something I might have regretted. I only wanted to go for a walk. I'm supposed to be the smart one.
Love is complicated, harsh, cold, warm, fuzzy. Love feels good sometimes and other times it's just another way to bleed. I had yet to figure out which one this was. I knew he was dying inside. I even knew why. What I did not know was how to help. I had done everything I could think of to help him cope with the bitter reality of losing the first casualty in a long war. I had left him alone, held him close, read to him, sang to him, cooked for him. I was running out of things to do. I even offered to go flying with him, but he ended up in a heap on the floor sobbing. I needed to get out of that dark house. It was beginning to close in on me and all I wanted to do was scream. A nice walk in the summer night air sounded perfect to me. So I left without a word. No one would miss me anyway, they didn't even notice when I was there.
I couldn't help but think of him when I looked at the stars. I wondered if he was with Lily and James now, watching over Harry and Remus. I stopped believing in Heaven when I was fourteen so wherever he was I hoped he was happy.
I was hoping to clear my head, gather my strength so I could be strong for him when he needed me. I knew how tired he was of being needed, of being strong, of being responsible. Who could blame him really? No one deserved half of what he endured. And he always seemed to handle it well. At least in public.
Thinking of him is so consuming I am almost always unaware of everything else. I only wanted to go for a walk. I'm supposed to be the smart one.
I didn't see him, didn't have time to go for my wand, didn't have time to even scream. There was that horrible feeling of being squeezed through a tube that is too small and I landed on my knees on rocky ground in a very unfamiliar place. I don't know how long I was here until Harry and Ron were brought in, but I refused to meet their eyes, to even talk to them.
I had been given my instructions. Told what I must do to live. I would rather die than choose. He had believed because Harry and I were together it would be an easy choice. But then again what did He know of love, of friendship. What did He know of anything but pain and torture and death? He was right about one thing though, it had been an easy choice. I was thankful for the fact neither of them knew what had been asked of me and neither of them would know my choice until it was too late.
"Tell me girl," He whispered harshly, "who have you chosen to die and who have you chosen to live?"
"I will die, they will live." He looked stunned for a moment as if He had never before considered this option. He looked to one of His followers and I was unchained from the wall only to fall to the floor.
It was my fault we were in this predicament. I should be the one to die. Ron and Harry had so much to live for. Ron had his family and Harry was just as good as a Weasley as far as Molly was concerned. Plus there was Remus to think about. What would he do if Harry were to die? Wouldn't he feel that he had failed at absolutely everything in his life? I was the only one with nothing. My father didn't know I existed. My step-father despised the fact that I was alive. My mother, my poor mother didn't know what to think of me. I had not seen her since after fourth year. My step-father had gotten hold of a copy of The Daily Prophet and had read everything Rita had written. Thank goodness for Sirius who had allowed me to live at 12 Grimmauld Place. But Sirius was dead now and I would be in a matter of minutes.
"Hermione," Harry called out frantically, "Hermione what are you doing?"
I refused to look at him. I knelt in front of Him waiting for the curse that would end my life. I hoped it wasn't painful and I hoped Harry and Ron would forgive me. It was all for the best. I only wanted to make things right. I'm supposed to be the smart one.