Chapter 11 - Realizations
SATURDAY
When I woke up that morning, it felt as if I hadn't slept in days. Well, that was almost true. Ever since Ron had announced his infamous engagement, I hadn't been able to get a rest.
And now he had asked me to arrive with him to the manor, for the pre-wedding lunch. I had intended to go to Harry's apartment that morning. I was feeling really uneasy about him. But Ron had pleaded me, and I couldn't say no.
When we arrived, I realized immediately that no one knew that there would be no wedding. Elizabeth's family and the Weasleys seemed happy and carefree. Ron looked at me, worried.
"I should go and talk to Liz," he said.
"You certainly should, Ron. This can't go on. You're supposed to get married in a couple of hours!" I said, maybe a little too anxious.
Ron rubbed his temples.
"This is hard... Ok, could you please go and see what Liz thinks about this?"
"What?" I didn't want to see her.
"Please Herm, please, please, please!" Uh-oh, the puppy face.
"Fine! I'll go!" I said, defeated.
I found Elizabeth deep in the garden, walking near a small pond. Her eyes were red and puffy and she didn't look as stunning as she always did. When she saw I was standing there, she threw her arms around my neck and started crying.
"Oh Hermi!" she sobbed, hysterical. I didn't know what to do, so I patted her back, clumsily.
"Are you OK?" I asked, stupidly.
She shook her head. She looked so miserable... I led her to a bench that was there and she sat down. I sat down beside her. I conjured a box of Kleenex and she blew her nose.
"I... don't... know... what... I'm... going to... do!" she said between sobs. "I swear I didn't do it! I didn't ask my father to do that! And he would've never done something like that!" her voice sounded shrilly and the tears kept flowing down her face.
"I believe you," I heard myself saying.
"You do?" she looked at me, hope reflected in her blue eyes. "Then why Ron doesn't?"
I didn't know what to say. I felt so bad that I almost wanted to cry with her. Why was I feeling sorry for her? I had what I wanted. I should be happy.
"Elizabeth... Ron doesn't want to marry you," I said and almost hit myself.
"That's what he said yesterday," she said, blowing her noise again. "I thought that maybe, if he thought about it, he would change his mind."
I shook my head.
"Please Hermi! Please talk to him! Please tell him that I didn't do it! That it's all a mistake! He'll listen to you."
"But I..."
"Please! If Ron breaks up with me I don't know if I'll be able to live with it! Please!"
How could I said no? I was feeling sympathy for her! I couldn't believe it! It was no time to be soft! I had to be mean! I had to be ruthless...
But I couldn't.
"...Fine."
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I was searching for Ron. Suddenly, the manor seemed incredibly crowded. To make it worst, everyone seemed to be interested in talking to me. They kept telling me how a great singer Harry was, how romantic of him to sing like that for me... The only thing that caught my attention was what Bill said to me.
"Hi Herm. Do you know why Harry is so down?"
"What? He's down? When did you see him?" I asked immediately.
"A few minutes ago. We talked and then he left. He was looking for you," Bill said.
"Harry came?" I hadn't seen him.
Bill looked at me, puzzled. "Didn't the two of you came together?"
"No... You said he was looking for me?"
"Yeah, he said he needed to tell you something really important."
I thanked Bill. So now I had to look for Ron and Harry. I wanted to talk to Harry, I was worried about him. Somehow I felt like I needed to be with him right then. Maybe it was because of the stress that was causing me my feeling of guilt...
But I found Ron first. He was alone, apart form the crowd, pacing back and forward. From where we were standing, no one could saw us. He was wrapped in his thoughts and it took him a really long time to realize I was standing there. He stared at me for a while and I felt that something had caught in my throat.
What was I going to say to him? If I told him what Elizabeth had asked me to, maybe he would decide to forgive her... If I didn't, I would keep feeling bad... But I would have my chance with him... But Elizabeth would be devastated... And Harry... Wait a second... What did Harry have to do with this?
"Herm... Did you talk to her?" Ron finally asked.
"Uhm, yes I did," I said, still struggling with myself.
"And?" he said, getting a little impatient.
"She... said she didn't do it."
Ron sighed. "Why does she keep saying that? I was hoping she would admit her fault." He shook his head. "I guess she isn't the person I thought she was," he added, looking down.
"Ron, I..."
"So, that means I'm single again, huh?" he said, smiling sadly.
"Ron..."
"Maybe I'll never get married."
"Ron, please..."
"Harry read the letter and couldn't believe it either..."
"RON!!" He finally looked up. "I need to tell you something."
He nodded. I took a deep breath, It was time. I would tell him that I loved him and everything would be fine. Wouldn't it?
"So, what is it?" he asked, when he realized I wasn't speaking.
"Well, it's a little complicated," I started, not sure of how I was going to say something like that. "I... A week ago... The thing is..." My hands were sweating. Ron had his gaze fixed in me and I started losing my nerve. "We have been friends for a long time and... Well, you..." GOD!!!
"Herm, what is it!" he said, exasperated. "Just say it!"
I stared in his questioning eyes and couldn't say anymore. They say one action is worth a thousand words. Well, in that moment, I decided that phrase was true. So I did something totally impulsive. I leaned and I kissed him.
I'll try to describe that moment the best way I can, because it was... surreal. My lips touched his. Just that. He didn't kiss me back, but he didn't pull away either. It was obviously that he wasn't expecting that. It was a short kiss, nothing romantic or passionate, as I had pictured in my mind so many times.
The most strange thing was that I didn't feel anything. Anything at all. No butterflies, no floating in the clouds. I broke the kiss and opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was Ron's big eyes staring at me with a mix of confusion and disbelief.
"Wha-?" he started and he froze. I was going to ask what had happened when I saw something else.
Something beyond Ron's shoulder.
A pair of green eyes. There was also a mix of confusion and disbelief in them, but also a hurt look. Harry was standing a few feet behind Ron (Ron couldn't see him) and stared at us with his mouth open. He looked hurt and sad... And it pierced my soul.
It took me less than a second to realize why Ron had frozen. There was also someone a few feet behind me... Yes, you guessed: Elizabeth. I broke my lock with Harry's eyes and turned around. Elizabeth looked at me, not really understanding. Then, she turned over her heels and started running away.
"Liz!" yelled Ron, but he didn't move. His hands were still on my waist. Harry was still standing there. He wasn't even looking at Ron, and he didn't seem to notice Elizabeth. He just kept staring at me with a look I had never seen before. Not even all those times when he suffered at Hogwarts.
Ron took my hand and seemed to awaken. "Why did you do that?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, I..." Somehow it didn't feel right to tell him 'because I love you' now.
"Well, she doesn't have the right to be mad," Ron said, staring at the spot Elizabeth had just been standing. His voiced trembled a little. "We're not a couple anymore. She betrayed me."
In that very moment, something changed. It was like the real Hermione had returned to my body. In fact, I think that was exactly what happened. I woke up from the mental condition I had been in the past days and I returned to my rational, good natured personality.
What had I done? I had destroyed Ron's life, Elizabeth's life and it seemed that Harry's as well, and all because of my selfish attitude! I had been blinded by jealousy and my big, stupid, fat ego. I had to do something to mend this.
"She didn't betray you."
He arched an eyebrow.
"Ron, I need to confess you something," he wasn't paying a lot of attention, but I spoke anyway. "Elizabeth's father didn't write that letter. It was..." here it comes... "It was me."
"What?" he asked dumbfounded.
"You did what?" said Harry, at the same time. Ron turned around and realized for the first time that Harry was standing there.
"Is this a joke?" Ron asked. I shook my head slowly. I thought he was going to ask me why, yell... But he just glared at me and started running in the same direction Elizabeth had.
I don't think I can describe how I felt at that time. But it wasn't because of Ron, who would probably never talk to me again. It was because of Harry.
"Harry," I said, walking towards him.
Harry shook his head, and stepped back. "I can't believe you were able to do something like that," he said in a whisper. His voice was cold and impersonal.
"I didn't mean to... OK, maybe I did, but I'm really sorry about it. I shouldn't had done that, I feel terrible... I..."
"I don't believe you anything," he said, giving another step back. "I don't recognize you anymore. I would've never thought you could do something so low."
Tears were pushing to got out of my eyes, but I didn't want to look more pathetic than how I already felt.
"Please Harry. Please don't get mad at me," I said, approaching to him and grabbing his arm.
He pulled away violently and looked me as I was the worst scum in the world. "And what do you care what I think? You've never had. You're always too wrapped in yourself to notice what's going on."
Never, in the 14 years I've known him, Harry had talked to me like that.
"I don't want to see you again," he said, before dissaparating.
I stood there, desperate. I had to do something about this mess. But I couldn't even think straight. Harry's words had hurt me so bad that my heart and my head ached. The only good thing that turned out from that stupid kiss was a realization: I wasn't in love with Ron. Never had and never would. I didn't know what had gotten into me. How could I've been so mistaken?
"You're always too wrapped in yourself to notice what's going on."
What did he mean? What wasn't I noticing? And why was I so sad? It was Harry after all. My best friend. We could work things out. He would forgive me and everything would be like always.
Like always?
Wait, what am I thinking? It's Harry. Harry... Harry. I was sitting on the grass now, with my head in my hands. Only three minutes had passed since Ron had ran after Elizabeth, two since Harry had left. Just two minutes since I'd heard Harry's voice for the last time.
Why am I thinking about Harry now? I should be thinking how to get RON to forgive me. His words echoed in my mind again... Why was Harry so mad, anyway? I knew I'd screwed up, but was it that bad that he didn't want to see me again?
But he was hurt before he knew what I'd done. His eyes had that hurt look when I kissed Ron... Was he hurt for Elizabeth? For Ron? For me...?
Somehow, I had put my hands in my pocket. I didn't even realize I was grabbing a piece of parchment. I took it out. What was it? At first I didn't recognize it. It was folded...
And then I remembered. It was the piece of parchment I had found in Harry's pocket. I opened it for the first time and recognized immediately Sirius' calligraphy. It didn't say anything about Ron's wedding. In fact, it only had a few words.
~~ Harry,
You have to tell her how you feel.
Sirius. ~~
Tell her how you feel? Tell who? Tell what?
Could it be...
No way, no...
But...
"I can't say I'm surprised, though," had said Mr. Weasley when he find out about our "engagement".
"Well you do make a cute couple" had said Elizabeth. "it's so obvious you're madly in love."
"When I met you, I realized in that very second you two were meant for each other." "We both find the right person to be with," had said Ron
"...If you really want to know, the only person I'd like to hurt is Potter."
"You can't even imagine how wrong you are Herm. I'm sure that more than one man realizes how incredible you are. You're the smartest witch I know, you're beautiful, funny, comforting, honest..."
"Besides, it's not that terrible to have the world thinking I have the greatest witch as my fiancée"
"Anyone with two eyes would realize that Harry adore you! The way he looks at you, the way he speaks to you,
everything. If Ron weren't so dense, he would have noticed."
"If you know me that well, then you shouldn't be asking me that."
I kept staring at Sirius words for a while.
Harry, my best friend.
Harry, who was always there for me.
Harry, who would cancel his date if he saw me crying.
Harry, who would eat my horrible food and pretend he likes it.
Harry, who would do anything for me, even if it hurt him.
Harry, who blushes when I kiss him.
Harry, who has been distracted all this time in Quiddicth, because of me.
Have you ever heard "hit me like a ton of bricks"? Well, that's what happened to me. The truth was there, in front of my eyes, and I had been too blind and too foolish to realize it.
Everyone else had, of course. Malfoy, the Weasleys, Lavender, even Elizabeth, who barely knew us. Everyone... Except me.
The had realized... That Harry was in love with me.
And all this time, I had been loving the wrong friend.
It was Harry all along. Funny isn't it? I had mistaken Ron's friendship for love and Harry's love for friendship. And they say I'm the smartest witch ever.
How could I've been so stupid? I had to do something. I had to told Harry I was in love with him too. But first, I had to do something about Ron and Elizabeth, or I'd never had the face to look at Harry.
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