Ronald Weasely had something that belonged to Luna Lovegood.
Ronald Weasely had stolen something that belonged to Luna Lovegood.
Ron couldn't believe his good luck. The fact that he'd been behind her the precise moment that certain something had fallen out of her purse, the fact that she hadn't noticed it at all or that he'd bent to pick something up immediately behind her was fantastically lucky, something he wasn't accustomed to.
Okay, so he hadn't technically stolen it. He'd simply picked it up and failed to mention it to her. What was he supposed to do, turn it into a lost and found?
Harry had insisted that he should, but Ron wasn't about to let an opportunity like this slip through his fingers. Literally. Harry might be perfectly content playing the good guy, but Ron was going to exact revenge and enjoy every minute of it.
Ron picked his way through the throng of Hogwarts students toward the library. He had plans to spend his lunch break in there, looking up all sorts of curses and spells he could place on that silly Ravenclaw. Any other situation and he would have simply gone to Hermione, but he had a feeling that wouldn't be wise. She would probably run to tell Luna. Girls sometimes joined unlikely forces to plot against men folk, Fred and George used to say. Fred and George knew loads about people and what made them tick. Otherwise they wouldn't be so successful at running a business.
Last night Ron had started to calm down and lose his grip on his various conspiracy theories involving Luna Lovegood. Harry had finally gotten him to listen to "reason" and see things "logically". But then he'd had that dream and he was right back at square one. He'd had a dream about shagging, which wasn't anything new to him recently. But his dream self had been shagging a particular Ravenclaw fifth year on a desk in Professor Snape's Potions classroom.
He knew it was her handiwork, for he'd never be caught dead having a shag with anyone in Professor Snape's dungeons. No matter how shiny and full their long blonde hair was or how round and firm their breasts were or how skilled their tongue-
He had to stop thinking about that.
Ron walked among the shelves upon shelves of books in the library. Madame Pince was too busy to notice him as she was preoccupied with glaring at a group of rowdy Slytherin first years.
Hmm. Love spells and Potions for Beginners. That sounded too good to be true, so he flipped through the pages.
Warning to all who purchase, borrow, steal, find, or-oh bugger it all! To anyone who reads this book:
These potions and spells are for the beginner lover. It is meant purely for entertainment and should never be used criminally or in a dangerous manner. These spells and potions are not long-lasting and only take effect for no more than three days at a time. If a potion or spell is used longer than this, I will know and I will personally find you and break your wand. If I am dead by the time you read this then I will haunt you for years to come.
Thank you for reading and please consider my other great works! Mary Poppins, a Biography and Healing Potions for Parents.
Ron flipped to check the About the Author page and assured himself that the author was indeed most likely dead by now. A ghost certainly wouldn't have the authority to break his wand. Ron made his way to the desk of Madame Pince in short order to sign the book out. The librarian eyed him suspiciously and Ron laughed nervously.
"It's for Charms," Ron lied. Madam Pince narrowed her eyes as she muttered something and a date appeared on the inside cover.
"Turn it in before this date or else," she threatened. Ron gave her a tense half-smile and hurried out as fast as his long legs could carry him.
…
Later on, he showed the book to Harry. They were sitting in the Gryffindor common room, heads bent over it. To Ron's great surprise, Harry was not completely against the idea of Ron borrowing the book. Quite the opposite in fact, he was fascinated by it.
"So these spells will make anyone fall in love with you? For at least three days?" he had asked with his eyes wide beneath his glasses.
"It depends on which spell you choose, but some of them do. Did you have someone in mind?" Ron asked. Now it was Harry's turn to flush a deep red. Ron quite enjoyed the payback.
"What are you two reading, then?" Hermione suddenly appeared above them and snatched the book from Harry's hand. She glanced over it and her eyes became wide. She stared at Harry in a curious way.
"Harry Potter! What are you doing with this book?" she demanded, and Ron imagined steam coming out of her ears. Harry looked to Ron for support but Ron merely sat back to wait for Harry's explanation.
"I-er, that is--Ron-" he stammered, never quite reaching a solid sentence before Hermione dropped the book onto the chair and stomped off. The exchange had attracted Ginny Weasley's attention and she walked over to pick up the offending book.
"Why is Hermione so fired up?" she asked them, leafing through the book and not seeming surprised at it in the least. Of course Ron knew why this was, but wasn't about to reveal that yet.
Nearly everyone who attended Hogwarts knew that Ginny Weasley and Draco Malfoy were "seeing" each other, even if the two thought it was still a secret. It was never mentioned to Ron and everyone assumed that he was none the wiser. Even Harry and Hermione opted to keep him in the dark about the whole thing. Ron rather enjoyed playing the ignorant brother and looked at it as a very fun game.
Of course he'd initially detested the idea, especially after seeing it with his own eyes. One night he'd snuck out of bed and made his way to the kitchens for a midnight snack, but instead of a lovely peanut butter and pickle sandwich he'd gotten an eyeful. He had seen Draco Malfoy handling his sister's feminine attributes in a very inappropriate way. Besides being sick to his stomach for days, he'd also been in a rage. Before he had gotten a chance to turn the Slytherin pervert into the pile of shite that he was, they had ducked out of sight without ever noticing him.
He had been more than ready the next morning to teach the pair a lesson, but when he had entered the dining hall and seen them looking at each other from across the room in a most unusual way; he had reasoned with himself that it would be a bad idea indeed. He rather imagined that Draco Malfoy glanced at Ginny in the same way his father looked at his mother at the Burrow. So he had played ignorant of the entire situation, sometimes teasing Ginny about the Slytherin prat. He said things like "that Draco Malfoy doesn't seem to date very much. Perhaps he doesn't like the ladies?" and would watch his sister's face turn as red as her hair with anger. He could sometimes actually see her biting her tongue and straining to keep her fist from connecting with his eye.
"I believe she doesn't like the idea of Harry casting love spells and cooking up love potions for unsuspecting girls," Ron explained, grabbing his book away from his little sister and poring through it again. Harry looked over Ron's shoulder again and Ginny giggled.
"You don't need some stupid book to make a girl fall in love with you," Ginny said, flipping her hair back with an air of superiority.
"Really? Then how?" Ron demanded, suddenly feeling very childish. This made him a bit angry.
"You do need a book, but not that one," Hermione spoke up. She had returned without any of them noticing. Harry exhaled in relief and pretended he hadn't been a bit interested in Ron's book. Hermione placed the book she was carrying in Ginny's outstretched hand. Ginny had the cover hidden beneath her hand so Ron and Harry couldn't read the title. Ginny seemed fascinated by the thing and exclaimed over it.
"Oh my! May I borrow it, Hermione?" she asked, nearly putting her nose in it. Hermione snorted and snatched it back.
"You don't need it, Ginny dear. They do, however," she said, jerking her thumb toward the boys. She handed the book to them and they read the front title with wide eyes. Ron stared at it curiously, but Harry seemed to know immediately what it was and seemed embarrassed.
"The Joy of Sex?" Ron read the title questioningly, looking to Hermione for an explanation. Of course he knew what sex was, but how was this supposed to make Luna obsessed with him? He couldn't very well apply any of this if she didn't at least invite him to her bed, and the thought of that made Ron very nervous. He didn't want to sleep with the girl; he just wanted to pay her back. No matter what his stupid dreams told him.
"I have a few chapters tabbed for quick study. Read this one," she said, turning to a chapter that contained the word "cunnilingus".
"Cunnilingus? Is that some sort of incantation or spell?" Ron asked, genuinely curious. Hermione paled a bit but answered as Ginny laughed harder than ever in the background.
"I suppose you could say that. Just read the book, you stupid git. If you want to know anything, you've got to study even if it is a muggle book. I've overheard you talking about Luna, and if you want to force her to think of you then this will do more than any spell," she explained, squaring her shoulders and crossing her arms. Harry laughed a bit nervously to ease the silent tension.
"Thank you for the help, Hermione but I don't think Ron should-"
"Shut up, Harry! You should read it too. Not that I condone underage sex, but you two should stop acting so immature when it comes to women. Perhaps if you know what it means to please us-I mean them, you'll stop this demeaning behavior," she said.
"Amen!" Ginny exclaimed. The two girls walked away together, laughing amongst themselves. Ron and Harry were left in the common room to stare at the white paperback book that Hermione had entrusted to them. They both read through it, glad that none of the other Gryffindors had noticed the exchange. Except for Seamus Finnigan.
"What's this? The Joy of Sex? My mum and dad have a copy of that. Good book, that is. Are you brushing up on your techniques?" he asked, unconcerned with the fact that Harry and Ron were made very uncomfortable by his question. When they didn't answer, Seamus laughed.
"You've never applied it then? What a shame! Who are you thinking of trying it out on? No, don't answer that. D'you need tips and strategies?" Seamus rattled on. It was rather well known that Seamus was very successful with the female population of Hogwarts. Harry and Ron were a bit in awe of him and nodded, not about to refuse a friendly lesson from the other Gryffindor boy.
Seamus Finnigan seemed very knowledgeable despite the fact that he had never had a relationship last longer than twenty-four hours and found much hate mail left in his seats in various classes. Ron and Harry paid rapt attention.
"Right then, I'm starving. Let's go eat! No pun intended," Seamus winked. Ron and Harry forced a laugh and followed him out to the dining hall for dinner. When Ron entered his eye was immediately attracted to the blonde head of Luna Lovegood as if by magnet. She sat across from that friend of hers, (what was her name again? Goya? Garfield?) conversing. No doubt making fun of him. They saw him from across the room but ignored him, turning back to each other.
Ron decided to take matters into his own hands and let go of his shyness. Desperately hoping no on from his house besides Harry and Seamus would notice, he made his way to the Ravenclaw table. He plopped his arse down right next to Luna and leaned into her. Luna stopped in mid-sentence and turned very slowly to meet his eye.
"Forgive my interruption, ladies. May I have a word with you, Luna?" Ron said in what he hoped was a very charming manner. Luna, taken aback, merely nodded. Ron gently took hold of her arm to help her out of her seat and pulled her aside to the entrance. Her friend watched them leave with shock written all over her face.
When they were hidden in a bit of shadow, Ron pulled the object that Luna had dropped that very day from the pocket of his sweater. When she saw it, her eyes grew very wide and she looked at him with a sight lot more gratitude than he felt he deserved. He pushed his feelings of guilt aside, however and smiled winningly.
"You dropped this earlier. I wanted to return it to you," he said, handing over her precious photograph. She took it reverently, touching his hand in the process.
"Ronald, you wonderful boy. I was beside myself without it! This is the second time you've retrieved it for me. Thank you!" she exclaimed gratefully, holding the piece of paper above her heart. Ron smiled and took a deep breath, remembering all that Seamus had told him.
"Yes, well I would do anything for a beautiful woman," he said suavely, winking. Luna looked a bit confused but held her smile all the same. Ron decided to take things a bit further and leaned over to whisper into her ear. "Wouldn't you like to repay my generosity?" then stood back to test her reaction. Fully expecting her to swoon at his feet, he was deeply shocked when she slapped him across the face instead.
"How dare you? You are a perverted, hateful, conniving bastard! I'd rather make love to a Death Eater!" she drove her point home by stomping on his foot with all her weight. Everyone in the dining hall turned at this exchange and laughed when Ron was left behind gasping with pain as Luna Lovegood fled the dining hall. Her friend ran after her but not before kicking Ron in the shin before exiting.
Ron's only thought at this point was one word. Fuck.
…
Luna ran all the way to her dormitory, never pausing in spite of the fact that her only friend was close on her heels and shouting for her to wait. Luna didn't stop until she reached her bed and fell on it face first. Gretchen slowed down, thoroughly winded. She sat on the bed next to Luna to catch her breath.
"How dare he? That slimy git! A Slytherin would have had more tact than him. How dare he?" she asked again, fuming and pounding her bed with a fist. Gretchen said nothing, only stared at Luna. She had never seen her angry before, and was quite bewildered that she would let something so silly get to her when she never batted an eyelash when the girls would steal her sweaters and wear them right in front of her or put chewed gum in her slippers.
"He was making fun of me! Honestly, what have I ever done to him? Am I so unattractive that he has to be so sarcastic when it comes to having sex with me?" she demanded of Gretchen. Gretchen gasped when Luna looked up and she saw the tears on her cheeks. The other girl felt a lump in her throat at the sight and patted Luna on the back awkwardly.
"It's not as bad as all that. How do you know he was being sarcastic? Perhaps he really is attracted to you, Luna," Gretchen soothed. Luna's tears only seemed to increase. Horrified, Gretchen grabbed Luna's arm and pulled her up into a sitting position.
"Stop that simpering and carrying on right now! It doesn't solve any damn thing! I don't know why this is bothering you so much. He's just a stupid boy and I, for one, will never speak to or look at him again. In my opinion, he's only a sex-starved adolescent who needs a lesson or two in proper social behavior," Gretchen stated firmly. This seemed to get through to Luna, for the girl wiped her tears away and had a determined look upon her face.
"You're right, Gretchen. He's only a stupid prat, and I'm going to teach him a lesson," Luna said, looking beyond Gretchen and obviously plotting something. Gretchen didn't like the sound of it.
"What are you going to do?" she asked.
"I'm going to pretend to be in love with Ronald Weasley."