In An Autumn So Bleak - Ron
O what a happy morning it is that I should wake so late. Open the hangings and let in the light. Arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon! So beautiful is the sight to my still weary eyes. The bright sun doth hang high in the morning sky, rivaled by naught but a band of clouds, however ominous they may be. It is a shame to see such beauty be marred by that which has gone overlooked.
A sigh escapes my lips and I am reminded of you. Everyday I count my blessings that I would be so lucky as to have gotten a happy chance to see Heaven up close, as that is what I see when I look upon your face. You may think me mad, but I speak the fair truth in all I say. I have loved you always and do continue to this very day.
I shall clothe myself quick and be out to find you. Why you did not wake me I know not, but find out I will. Where are you, my fair Hermione? Where can I find you this morning late? Follow the sound of your voice I say, and hear it I do, if but a little too far to grasp. And there you are I see, just as beautiful as you could ever be. You sit with he that knows us best and you are happy, as it is writ upon your face. It is amidst hallowed mirth that you notice my presence and turn to bid me good morning with a kiss so sweet. A hollow gesture it seems to me, but I let this ill feeling pass as quickly as it came to be.
And thus began a downward spiral to end all ends and that which has began to wither away at my insides. I pretend not to notice what is happening and you are none the wiser. But happen it does all the same.
A stolen look here, a confusing remark there. Everything that was once for me, save your touch alone, seems like it is no longer mine. Your eyes, those sweet brown pools that I so love to swim through, have since left me for him. Do you think I don't see it? Do you think I don't notice all the pieces, just now as they have begun to fit? I see it all and it terrifies me beyond reason.
It is a gradual thing to witness and it has taken much time. But witness it I do and more so with each passing day. Week by week and month by month we grow farther apart, yet you say nothing has changed all the same. I know the truth, but still I keep silent. I keep my silence and bide my time, praying for a change, praying for things to go back to the way they once were. For now I will let time run its course, but as I do so, the dying leaves once bright, begin to fall from the tree of happiness.
And I find myself wondering why it is that you would drift away from me so. Why? Have I not fulfilled you? Have I not given you something you need? Have I not filled the space in your heart that you said was meant for me? Why? Did I do something wrong? Did I do something so right that I scared you away from me? No, that doesn't make any sense. I am so confused, but then I have been so for some time now. I still want to know the truth. Won't you just tell me why? Won't you just tell me why you are hurting me so?
But these days your words are barely reserved for me anymore. I can count the times my name rolls across your tongue, rather than lose count, as it oft was. It should not be this way. I should not have to stand back and watch all the puzzle pieces fall into place. I should not have to stand beside while my best friend walks by with my love on his arm and do nothing to stop it. Yet I do. I do nothing but sit in idle confusion, dumbfounded by the actions of those around me. I do nothing. I have done nothing. Then why, my love, do I have to suffer?
One more day, I pray, till this is done. But still my troubles rise with the morning sun. Angels weep for me through the morning's birth and the raven sings of his everlasting mirth. A final leaf falls from the tree, stripped bare by time. Dead limbs like bony fingers, reaching out to grasp what's mine. Autumn winds carry on as the sky turns to steel. A chill fills the air around and I all but forget to feel.
It's so cold now, yet even as the sun hangs high in the sky. It no longer holds any warmth for me. Not so long as you are with him, that which I can bear no longer to see. A great squall awaits offshore; limbs crumble like ash. False securities in reverence; rage does the tempest so lash. I don't know how much more I can take of this before I am no more. Little by little I fade to nothing without you. I need you by my side to be alive. And every second that I find you absent I am but buried a fraction deeper in the grave that you have dug for me.
Why did you have to do this me? Why did you both have to do this to me? What is it that I ever did to deserve pain like this? We were once so close and now could not be farther apart. Why? What did I do to deserve this pain? It seems that these violent delights have violent ends.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to see the girl, nay, the woman that you love look at your best friend in the same way that you remember her looking at you? They look so happy together, like we always used to. Amidst my sorrow, they live on in eternal bliss. Every time they kiss it is like a dagger to my already crumbled heart. It is an eternal paradox, that I should covet what pains me so.
But what can I do about it? What is one supposed to do when his friends fall in love? Is there a set of guidelines to abide by? Is there a certain etiquette to uphold? And if there be, why should I follow it? It is my heart that tells me to forgive, but it is the rest of me that screams to be heard; that cries "I will not forgive you for what you have done!"
I should have seen it coming. All of the ill-fated signs were there right from the start. The way you were always so comfortable around each other. Helping each other, praising each other. You hardly ever fought and when you did, it was almost always about me. Why didn't I see it coming?
The way he attacked a seven-foot tall cave troll when you were in trouble. The way he held your hand in the hospital ward when you were petrified. The way I saw him cry for you, even when he didn't think I could see. Whenever he was in trouble, you were always the first person by his side. Always thinking about him, always being there for him. Always. Why is it that I didn't see it before? The trouble that it would have saved me; the pain that I could have avoided. They save that it is better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all. I would like to see them try it.
Sometimes I feel so alone; so agonizingly alone. I'm so tired of being here; suppressed by all of my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, because your presence still lingers here in my heart, and it wont leave me alone. These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase. Invisible to your eyes - I'm just a dull shade among these worthless lives. I am trapped in an endless autumn so bleak and nowhere can I find the solace that I seek.
Lost in this world of nothingness and I can't find my way out. Dark labyrinth of confusion - I am forever cloaked in doubt. Emptiness engulfs a world once bright. Essence of life gone and there is no end in sight. Flakes begin to fill the night gloom and the world is in bereavement. All life collapsed in upon itself. Lifeless soul masked as the skies wept. It is the end of all eternity for this weary spirit. I go now too - I can no longer endear it.
If you knew her, you would know exactly how I feel. You would know exactly why I spend my days behind a veil of normality and my nights lost in worlds of perfection that now exist only in my memories long forgotten. You would know how I ache. You would know how much it hurts to love someone that you know does not love you back. You would know how heartbreaking it is to see your best friend hold the girl of your dreams in his arms. If you knew her, you would know exactly how I feel.