Unofficial Portkey Archive

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related indicia belong to J. K. Rowling.

~Chapter 4~

It all came out one day. Lavender had been reading my diary, which had a full account of our summer together, two years previously.

She found it all quite amusing, I'm sure. I walked in as she was trying to stash it away again, but it was too late, I had seen.

I burst into tears and ran, I still can't quite remember how I ended up in the kitchens but that is where I ran.

Dobby, being the good soul that he is, saw me and offered me a cup of tea and a couple of scones. He adamantly refused to take 'No' as an answer.

I ate and cried and then ate and cried some more. Dobby and Winky just stood by and kept the tea coming. By the end of the hour I was so tired I had to be guided back to the Gryffindor Common Room, where I was met with many a strange glare. Winky took me up to my dormitories and set me to bed.

I slept soundly that night, not remembering a snatch of what had happened.

I slept really well, to the point of almost being late for Transfiguration. I still remember the look on McGonagall's face as I rushed in right before the bell.

I sat in all of my classes that day, silent. The only noise heard from me was the scratching of my quill on my parchment as I took notes. I didn't even raise my hand, strange for the Head Girl.

I couldn't look at you nor could I be near you. I knew you knew. I prayed that you weren't mad and I still couldn't bring myself to talk to you. God, I'm such a coward, at times I wonder that the Sorting Hat put me in Gryffindor.

That night, or shall I say the next morning, as it was around 2 am, I went down to the Common Room. I had to be alone. The only thing was that I wasn't alone. You sat there and let me come down and sob on the wingback. I was a while before you said anything, and when you did, it gave me such a fright.

You told me that you knew, that you had know, that it had been your fault. That if it hadn't been for that summer, and the one's there after, that this would never have happened. But, you weren't upset about it at all. Almost as if you didn't care either way, that I was a friend, your best at that, after what had happened with Ron, and if I loved you in more ways than one then you could accept that, though you may not return the feelings.

I was thankful for that. Thankful for everything.

You knew and I still had my best friend. I still couldn't ignore that twinge of sadness though, that you couldn't love me.

I will never know if it was the fact that you didn't want to put me in peril with Voldemort or if you really didn't Love me. The question haunts me.

I wanted to write all of this down to show you exactly how I felt, the way I loved you, the way I will always love you. It is all for you, Harry, only you.

I know that whoever finds this will think me quite mad, and they will be correct, as I am madly in love. I feel pity for whomever finds me.

I forgive Lavender for her prying; I forgive everyone who has trespassed against me. I forgive, though I shall never be forgiven.

God help me, I do not think I can go on any longer.

Harry if you read this, this is for you:

The world is spinning

It all goes so fast

The thrill of winning

Never to last

I keep on wondering

When it all will stop