By popular demand: Harry's journal entries as they appeared in Trust. This first chapter is a compilation of the ones that were in Trust. Every chapter after this will be new.
And as always, thanks to Jennifer for the great beta job.
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10 June 1998
I just returned from a meeting with Dumbledore and Sirius about the vision I had last night about dueling Voldemort. Sirius was upset that I was so calm about facing him, but Dumbledore seemed to understand. As difficult as it is to keep from Sirius (and Ron and Hermione, for that matter), I'm glad Dumbledore and I agreed to keep the specifics of the prophecy a secret. I don't want any of them to worry about me any more than they already do. If they did know, it would only be more difficult for them when this is all over, and I care for them too much to put them through even more pain.
After the meeting, Sirius walked me back to Gryffindor Tower, and we stopped for a moment to chat. He sensed a bit of hesitation in my voice earlier, and came to the conclusion that I was in love. He's right, but what troubles me is that he seemed to know that I'm in love with Hermione, even though I never mentioned her name. She doesn't know, obviously, but Sirius strongly suggested that I tell her how I feel. He has a point, but I don't want to hurt her. It wouldn't be fair to her to put myself out there and then leave her, especially when I probably won't return. I love her too much to cause her any more pain, and no good could come from telling her.
I have a week before I leave, and Dumbledore suggested that I not say anything to anyone until then. Maybe I'll change my mind about telling Hermione how I feel, but I can't see myself doing so. We'll see.
17 June 1998
Okay, so I changed my mind. I went to her room under my Invisibility Cloak with the sole purpose of just watching her for a few minutes before I left for Little Hangleton, but for reasons I may never understand, I ended up telling her that I love her. No, that I'm in love with her. I don't remember most of our conversation, but I do remember her kissing me. I'm too ashamed to say it, but all the excuses I gave her for holding back were a feeble attempt on my part to disguise the fact that I was scared that Mione didn't feel the same way. And now that I know she does, I feel more than a little guilty about leaving her.
She asked me to stay with her, which caught me off guard. I could see the desperation in her eyes, and I'm sure I insulted her when I turned her down. Up to that point, it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I couldn't, with a good conscience, sleep with her and run off the next morning, knowing full well that it would probably be the only night we spent together. At the time the only thing I could think about was the prophecy and my agreement with Dumbledore to keep it secret.
So, I walked out the door. I could feel the pain she was in, because I was, am, in pain, too. But not because of what happened while I was in her room, but what happened after I left. It changed everything. After I put my cloak back on, I stood there next to the door for a few minutes, trying to get the strength to leave. I could hear Mione crying, and I wanted nothing more than to walk back in there and make it better, but my head wasn't cooperating with my heart. I turned back around to face the door, and she was staring into my eyes (even though she thought I was long gone) and said that she loved me. I turned away immediately. Not because I was scared, but because I now know what I have to do. Voldemort doesn't stand a chance. I WILL find a way to beat him, and he won't be a thorn in my side anymore.
21 June 1998
10:15 a.m.
The fact that I'm lying here in St. Mungo's recovering must mean that Voldemort is gone. The last thing I remember is performing the Killing Curse, and then collapsing from what I assume was exhaustion. I have no idea how I got here, who found me, or what happened to all the Death Eaters, but I'm sure I'll find out.
Defeating Voldemort came at a great personal cost. Sirius showed up at dawn of the third day, thinking that he was helping me out. He was captured by the Death Eaters, and brought to Voldemort, who immediately used him as a hostage. I was given a choice: surrender or he would kill Sirius. I honestly can't recall all the thoughts that were running through my head at the time, but Sirius was adamant that I not surrender. I considered it, but took too long to think about it. Before I could do anything about it, Sirius was gone. And more blood on my hands. I can't help but blame myself. He was there because he thought I needed help, but if he'd known about the prophecy, he would have let me finish it the way it was supposed to be finished. Sirius would still be here, and I wouldn't feel like I've committed partial suicide.
I imagine the Ministry will want a detailed account of our duel, but after that I will speak of it no more. The guilt will be with me forever.
3:00 p.m.
Professor Dumbledore stopped in a few minutes ago. I wish I could say that we had a nice conversation, but the truth is that he did most of the talking while I stared into space. I know he's just trying to help, but I'm afraid I just wasn't in the mood to listen. He did tell me that Sirius left all his belongings to me in his will. Grimmauld Place and all the contents of his vault in Gringotts are now mine. Dumbledore gave me an envelope with my name on it before leaving. I could tell immediately that it was from Sirius.
Harry,
The fact that you're reading this makes me proud to have ever called you my godson. Your parents would be proud of you as well. I wish I could be there to share in the joy of your victory, but it wasn't meant to be. You deserved to have a better godfather than an escape convict from Azkaban, and for that I apologize.
My biggest regret is that I could never give you the home and family that you deserved. I hope one day you can find that one person to make your life complete. You know where to find her; so don't let her get away.
As I'm sure Dumbledore has told you, Grimmauld Place is now yours, as well as my vault at Gringotts. In the vault you will find many of your parents' personal belongings. Hopefully they will answer any questions you may have better than I ever could.
Concerning Grimmauld Place: do with it whatever you wish. I hate to dump the place on you, but the Order no longer has use for it, and I trust your judgment.
Keep your head up, Harry. Your chance to live a normal life is here, so take advantage of it.
Sirius