Completely new journal entry…woo hoo! In case you're wondering, I have two more of these completely finished after this one, and am working on a new one as well.
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23 June 1998
I've been told that they're springing me from this place tomorrow morning. My legs still feel like jelly from the many curses those damned Death Eaters threw at me, but my overall strength is beginning to return. I'll just have to take it easy for a few days-I somehow don't think that will be a problem.
I sent an owl to Dumbledore yesterday after the events of the last few days had a chance to sink in. I expressed my shock that my vision about my duel with Voldemort wasn't exactly accurate, but Dumbledore says that my vision was actually very correct, and that Sirius altered it by interfering. I lost my temper with him for speaking ill of my godfather, but I know what he meant by it. Still, I can't help but wonder if everything would have been different if Sirius knew about the prophecy and that I was destined to take on Voldemort alone. He wouldn't have liked it, but he would have been more likely to conform. Instead, he blindly sought us out thinking that he was helping. He did help in a way by giving me the opportunity and emotion to kill Voldemort, but I guess I can't have my cake and eat it, too. Heaven forbid that I have some happiness in my life.
Minister Fudge stopped by earlier to check on me as well. If it were anyone else, I would think that he genuinely cared about my well being, but I know better. He bolted once I told him that I would be out of here tomorrow. Of course, he made sure that I'd be going directly to the Ministry to be given the third degree. In pure Fudge fashion, he'll make sure that he's at the center of everything, even if he has no idea what's going on. I'll never forgive him for the way he treated me after the Tri-Wizard Tournament, thinking that I was lying about Voldemort returning. Just the previous year, I was his best friend, and then he turned his back on Hogwarts when we needed him the most.
So it's my disgust for this man that makes it hard to believe that I asked him for a favor. I still can't believe that I did it. "Make sure I get in and out of there without Hermione knowing." What was I thinking? I was thinking that I'm not ready to see her again. I want to see her again, but I'm horrified at the same time. It was so easy for me to tell her I was in love with her when I thought I would never see her again, but now I'm faced with the reality of it all, and it scares me to death. I wasn't lying to her, but the whole thing was so surreal. I'm already starting to hate myself for telling Fudge to keep her distracted. The truth is that I need her more than I need air. It's been less than a week since the last time I saw her, but it feels like an eternity. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this, but I'm a mess right now in more ways than one, and I don't want her image of me to be blown to bits. I've always been the strong one, and if she saw me tomorrow, I would be exactly the opposite. So what it really boils down to is that I'm trying to impress Hermione by making sure she is unaware of my presence. I should be put in a mental institution.
Maybe that's why I've actually decided to spend some time at Grimmauld Place. I'm going to make a stop at Gringotts after I leave the Ministry tomorrow and collect my parents' belongings from the vault. I've been going back and forth between feelings of anxiety and excitement at finally having the opportunity to know my parents better, even if it isn't in the most conventional way. I'll take what I can get. I'm really kind of scared to find out what kind of things they left behind, maybe because I hate the idea that I might find something that proves what everyone has been saying all along…that they were wonderful people. And then I'll feel even worse because they had the chance to know them and I didn't. At the same time I need to do this. If not for myself, then I have to do it for them. I've always wondered what it was like for them, and now maybe I can find out.
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Hope you're enjoying these. I sure had a good time writing them. Chapter 8 of Trust is in the hand of my beta right now, so look for it possibly at the beginning of next week. Merry Christmas everyone!