Here's another journal entry to go along with Trust. Thanks as always to Jennifer for the great beta job.
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24 June 1998
What a day. I just got settled here at Grimmauld Place after an emotionally draining day. I was released from St. Mungo's at 10 a.m. and then headed straight for the Ministry to give them my official statement concerning the final battle with Voldemort. I must say that I was impressed with their ability to keep the press out of there for a change. If I would have had to deal with reporters on top of everything else I might have blown a fuse.
One thing is for certain: those Ministry officials were very thorough. I'm surprised they didn't ask me how many times I had to relieve myself over the span of three days. Actually, that's a good question…too bad I have no idea what the answer is. It wasn't exactly high on my list of priorities, and I don't think its very good dueling etiquette to call time out for a potty break.
There was one reporter that managed to break through all the security the Ministry had put together for my arrival, but he was quickly removed. It kind of felt reminiscent of fifth year when I was consistently accompanied by the Advance Guard of the Order. I know the reasons why everyone and their pet fish make a big deal over me, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it or make an attempt to get used to it. I never asked for any of this, so they can play by my rules for a change…I think I've earned the right.
I saw Hermione while I was at the Ministry. She didn't see me, which was most likely because of all the secrecy that I was there in the first place. I really feel bad about messing with her like this. She has to be expecting me, since she works in the Magical Law Enforcement Squad. Her department is overseeing my statement, and I know they went to great lengths to keep her out of the loop. Fudge told me that he'll have the department head claim that she was personally too close for the situation should she ask about it. She will ask, I have no doubt about that. Worse yet, she'll be bloody pissed. As long as she doesn't know that I was the one who requested she not be involved…it would break her heart if she knew. I've stripped her of a chance to do what she does best…take care of me. And I love it when she takes care of me, even if I'll never admit it to her. She doesn't take care of me the way a mother would take care of a son, but the way a person nurtures their soul mate. I have no doubt in my mind that she's my soul mate, and I know that she feels the same. That's why it hurts so much to be away from her right now, and just after we've admitted our long-buried feelings for each other.
Seeing her today made me realize something I've never thought about before. I've been The Boy Who Lived since the age of eleven, though in reality that's who I've been since I was a year old. What I mean by that is that I've only been aware of it since I started at Hogwarts. My life has been built upon the idea that a day would come where I would have to face down Voldemort. I prepared for it, and had many practice runs along the way, not to mention more trips to the hospital wing than I care to mention. Despite my attempts, my life has been under a microscope since I walked into Diagon Alley for the first time. And now it's over. Voldemort is gone, and I finally have a chance at a normal life. From this moment on, The Boy Who Lived is dead, and only Harry Potter remains. The scar and the memories are still there, but the celebrity is gone. So here's the big question mark in my life: who am I, and what do I want to be remembered for? I don't want to be remembered for killing Voldemort, because that path was chosen for me. I have no idea what life path I would choose for myself. What do I want to do for a living? Do I want to get married? Have kids? I have so many questions to answer. And I don't feel like I can be with Hermione and be a "couple" until I know who I am as an individual. I know Hermione has invested a lot into her own personal identity, so why shouldn't I do the same?
The first order of business tomorrow is to find a way to rid this house of everything Sirius despised about it. The portrait of his mother…gone. I won't destroy the tapestry with the family history on it, but it's definitely coming down off the wall. I'll save it and ask Tonks if she wants it. If she doesn't, I'll let her decide what should be done with it. At least I don't have to deal with Kreacher anymore. That was one crazy house-elf.