Disclaimer: Do I really need to say, I don't own it? Oh, and the song is 'My Immortal' - Evanescence
Thanks to all my reviewers. Hope you all keep reading this.
And now, the chapter...
Chapter 2: Memories Of The Last Marauder And A River Of Tears (II)
Harry looked up from his Herbology homework and looked at his best friends.
Ron was in front of him, completely lost with Potions homework, while Hermione was sitting in front of the fire, doing her Arthimancy work.
He could still remember Lupin's words and the way Hermione reacted after his conversation with the last marauder (as the trio called him).
Maybe Lupin was right, maybe it was time for him to release his mind but, something inside him, didn't let go of Sirius's memory.
Why? Maybe because Harry was too scared to do so; maybe because Harry felt like he was going to be all alone, if he let Sirius go...forever.
Harry shook his head, and got up.
"Where are you going?" Ron asked, looking up while Hermione continued to write on her parchment.
" have to go and see Lupin," Harry answered, and Hermione looked at him.
"What are you going to do?" she asked, raising her eyebrow.
"I have to know some things," Harry answered, approaching the portrait. "Don't wait for me." And with that, he left the common room.
Ron looked at Hermione:
"Sometimes I think he's losing it," he said and Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Let him be," she answered, looking at her parchment again. "He has a lot on his mind right now."
~*~
Harry stopped in front of the DADA classroom and knocked.
"Come in," Lupin's voice said and Harry opened the door.
"Professor Lupin, can I talk with you?" he asked and Lupin looked at him.
"Harry, what are you doing here?" he asked, rising from his chair. "Something wrong?"
Harry shook his head, while approaching the professor's desk.
"No...I mean, yes...I mean, more and less," the student started confused, and Lupin sat in his chair.
"Want to ask me, something?" he asked gently and Harry nodded. "Then, ask."
Harry sat in the chair in front of the professor and took a deep breath, before looking up.
"I want to speak about Sirius," he said and Lupin sat up in his chair. "I mean...I want to know more about him. We didn't have a very close relationship towards that subject, since we barely talked personally."
"I see," Lupin mumbled, taping a finger on his chin. "What can I say about
Sirius?Hmm...nothing." Harry looked at him confused, at the same time Lupin got up from his chair and picked a
bowl from one of the drawers and put it on the table. "I believe you know, what this is," he said and Harry,
after looking closely to what was inside the bowl and nodded.
"It's a Pensieve," he answered and Lupin nodded, before giving a small prod with his wand on the liquid.
The liquid started to swirl very fast, and Lupin made a signal for Harry to approach. Then Lupin touched the liquid
with his hand and looked at Harry, like saying for him to do the same.
Suddenly, Harry was spinning fast until everything stopped.
*"I believe this is the best way for you to have a small idea of who your godfather was," Lupin said. "Come with me."
Harry could see Lupin had led him to Hogsmeade, exactly to where the house he, Ron and Hermione had been when they found out Wormtail was an animagus...
The Shrieking Shack.
It was a cold night, even though the sky was clear and full of stars.
Lupin was leading him inside the house and towards the first floor. He couldn't hear a thing or see more that what two feet in front of him, because there wasn't a single light.
However, when he was about to open his mouth, he could hear voices. Lupin stopped in front of a door and looked at him.
"Lets see if you like this. This is one of my favorite memories."
With a smile, Lupin went through the door, quickly followed by a curious Harry. He was going to see one of Lupin's memories; it had to be a happy one, since Lupin said it was one of his favorites.
When he went through the door, Harry stopped in his tracks: his father, Lupin, Sirius and Peter were there, all sitting in chairs. His father was just the same he had seen in Snape's memory: hazel eyes, nose slightly longer than Harry's, his hair was stuck up but, this time, he looked very serious.
Sirius hadn't changed at all: he still had his dark hair falling into his eyes, with the same elegance Harry had seen in Snape's Pensieve but, just like James, he looked very serious.
Lupin sat, by himself, on a chair looking as pale and peaky as the same one Harry had seen last year. Wormtail was still smaller than the others and he was looking a little scared. The only difference between those students and the ones of Snape's memory, was that those seemed to be younger; maybe thirteen or fourteen years old.
"No way," Sirius mumbled. "This has to be some joke. How can this be? How can you be one? Merlin, this has to be some kind of a joke,"
"You can't be serious," James started looking at Lupin, who shook his head.
"I am," he said, looking down.
"How..," James started, but Sirius interrupted him.
"For how long?"
"Since I was a kid," Lupin answered, without looking up.
"And how did you manage to hide this from us?" James asked, with a 'I can't understand this' look.
"With help of the professors," Lupin answered. "How did you think I could miss classes? Besides, Professor Dumbledore helped me a lot."
"But, why didn't you tell us?" Sirius asked. "I mean...maybe; in some way...we could have helped you."
"I couldn't," Lupin started, looking at him. "I was scared."
"Scared of us?" James asked, but Lupin shook his head.
"I had to think carefully, until I was certain this was the thing I wanted to do," he started. "But I wasn't scared of you. You're my best friends and I know I can trust you, but...I had to accept everything...I had to think about every way you could react. After all, by telling you this, I'm awaking all my past and memories that I want to forget."
Harry was confused, but he could see the look in the older Lupin: a look of gratitude.
"A werewolf," Peter whispered for the first time and Harry opened his eyes wide; that was the memory of the first time Lupin had told his friend he was a werewolf.
"Look, if you don't want to be my friends anymore, I accept that," Lupin started, looking at Wormtail. "After all, I am a werewolf and I know you must be scared to death because of that. I'll understand if you run out of here right now and never look at me again."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Sirius asked, raising his eyebrow. "I'm your friend, and I'll always be."
"Yeah," James agreed, nodding. "Friends until the end."
"I mean, why should we be scared just because you're a werewolf?" Sirius asked. "What counts, is who you are, not what you are. You should know that, or you don't deserve to be the smartest kid in the school. Geez Remus, you should have known we will always be with you, for the better and for the worse. You must have had the most terrible life, and you still think we're going to turn our backs on you? I thought you knew us better!"
Remus shook his head.
"This is different, I was scared of what could come from all this. I needed to know if you were really my best friends." he took a deep breath. "I was scared. Everyone that knew my problems started to get away from me...I didn't have friends since that night. I was scared of being alone."
"I understand, but you could have told us," James said, while Sirius leaned to his front and touched Remus's arm.
"We're your friends, forever," he started. "I don't care if you're a werewolf or a mermaid; I will always be your friend...I will always be there for you."
Lupin looked at him, as if he was ready to cry. "And don't start being emotional, because I'm being serious. You can count on me...on us…" He looked at James and Peter. "…forever. We're friends, for Merlin's sake!"
Lupin smiled.
"Thanks guys. Maybe now, I can rest the ghosts of my past."
"Of course they will rest," James started. "And we will be here, at your side, to help you."
"Besides," Sirius continued, with a hand on his chin. "Maybe now I can tell you what I have been thinking."
"What are you talking about?" James asked, raising his eyebrow. "You have been thinking about a plan, in case one of us is a werewolf?"
"Of course not, you git," Sirius answered, before looking at Lupin. "You're an example to me, ya know? You've proven you have courage and that you're really brave, just like a true Gryffindor must be." Lupin smiled and Harry saw a faint blush appear on the young student's cheeks. "And that's why, we'll become animagus."*
The older Lupin touched Harry's arm, and the boy took his eyes off the four students.
"I believe that's enough," he said and everything started spinning fast, until Harry was in the DADA classroom again, with Lupin. "I hope you liked it," Lupin continued, sitting on his chair.
"Wow..," Harry whispered, sitting in a chair. "I never thought they...Sirius and my father...I mean...Sirius...he looked like another person."
"Sirius was the first to accept what I was," Lupin interrupted, softly.
"Your father was not far behind and Peter, with a bit of difficulty, started to be at ease around me. Sirius was the one who had the idea for them to become animagus, and everything was easier for me when the Full Moon appeared. Everything was easier to bear, because I knew that, even though I was a werewolf, I had my friends with me."
"Sirius...he was so different," Harry mumbled. "He looked so much wiser."
"Sirius was always a bit wise," Lupin started. "But, with age, he started to be funnier. But Sirius was...for lack of words, my best friend." he looked at Harry, with his eyes shining. "That was the reason why I told you to speak with Hermione and Ron, because they will be with you. One can accept the things more easily than the other, but that doesn't mean they aren't your friends. Peter, for example, took more time to accept I was a werewolf, while Sirius took it like it was something normal. Your father only took minutes to accept the truth but, for him, the importance was the friendship."
"But...that's another reason why I can't let Sirius go."
"Sirius wants freedom, Harry," Lupin stated, calmly. "He wants the freedom he didn't have while he was alive. But you're taking his freedom away, by not accepting that he's not here and that he hasn't accomplished his promise to you. But you must believe that, just like your parents, he's always with you...he's always looking for you, because you were more then his godson; you were his son."
Harry closed his eyes, raised his head, and took a deep breath.
"I promise..," he started slowly, unsure of what to say. "That I will...I will try to let Sirius go. I know he wants freedom, but I can't make promises."
"Trying to do something is better than doing nothing at all," Lupin answered, while Harry looked at him again. "And I know you'll do it, with your friends help. But do as I said, talk to them, say what's in your heart to them...they will understand and you'll feel like you have freed a caged soul."
Harry nodded, and got up.
"Thank you, professor," he said and Lupin gave him a small smile.
"You're welcome, Harry."
When the young student left the classroom, Lupin looked at the ceiling with his eyes tearing.
"You would be proud of him," he mumbled. "You know that don't you; James, Lily and Sirius?"
~*~
Harry whispered the password but, when the Fat Lady opened and he was about to enter, he saw the same green light he had seen in Lupin's classroom, when Remus was talking with Hermione.
Opening his eyes wide and forgetting about the pain that he had felt, suddenly in his scar, Harry rushed inside the common room, but stopped when he saw Hermione. She was on the couch, sitting Indian style with her eyes closed. 'What is she doing here?' Harry asked, approaching.
"Hermione?" he whispered and the girl opened her eyes.
Harry blinked; for a second the girl's brown eyes, seemed green.
"Harry?" she asked, sitting in a normal position. "What are you doing here?"
"Shouldn't I be asking you the same question?" Harry asked, sitting beside the girl.
"I...I was just...I just couldn't..," the girl mumbled and Harry raised his eyebrow.
"You weren't waiting for me, were you?" he asked and a faint blush appeared on the girl's cheeks:
"No," she said. "I couldn't sleep."
"Oh," Harry answered, a little unsure.
The two friends stayed in silence but, just like the time Harry had been alone with Hermione, he felt like something was wrong.
"What's up with you?" Hermione asked, above a whisper and Harry swallowed hard. Could she know what
was happening? Of course not, how could she?
"Nothing," Harry answered and the girl looked at him.
Something inside Harry gave a jump, but Harry tried to ignore it.
Hermione eyes were so dark, so mysterious and so beautiful. He couldn't take his eyes from hers.
"What's stopping you?" she asked again, still looking in his eyes. "Something is making you leave us, and I don't want that to happen."
"What are you talking about?" Harry asked, breaking the eye-contact. "I'm not leaving
you!"
"Yes, you are," Hermione said. "You're the only who can't see that. You're starting to live
alone, and that's something I can't watch."
"What are you talking about?" Harry asked, confused and annoyed. "I'm here aren't I?"
"I don't know; are you?" the girl asked, before shaking her head. "Your mind is, but your heart isn't."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Harry said and Hermione touched his hand. Just like the time the girl had hugged him, Harry started feeling like he was in peace, that he was loved and that, deep inside him, was a light of hope.
"We must continue breathing," Hermione started, looking at Harry's eyes "Because we never know what the tide can bring us."
"What?" Harry asked confused, and Hermione made a small smil:
"Robinson Crusoe," she replied. "Those were his words when he understood he had to continue living, even when everything in his life seemed to have abandoned him."
Harry looked at his knees, while squeezing the girl's hand.
"What are you trying to say?" he asked in a whisper.
Hermione took a deep breath before putting her other hand under his chin, and making him look at her.
"That you mustn't give up living. Life is the best gift anyone can have, and we must never throw it away. We should never give up hope, because we have to fight. Fight for us, and for those we love."
Harry closed his eyes.
"I don't want to fight anymore," he confessed. "I'm sick of fighting for the others. I'm sick of seeing others die because of my fight. I just...I can't continue."
"Harry," Hermione said in a determined voice and the boy opened his eyes. "Never give up hope, never. Even when we don't have the strength to continue, we must think about those who were lost. What are you going to do about them? Forget them, just because they're not with us anymore? No, you'll fight for them to prove to everyone they died for a good cause...to prove their lives were lost because we're trying to reach a better world. Don't forget about them because, on the day you resolve to throw everything away, it will be like you're saying 'screw you, your life isn't worth my sweat'. Fight for them when you feel like you've lost hope; fight for the ones you love, when you think you don't have anything to live for."
"You have been talking with Lupin, haven't you?" Harry asked and Hermione rolled her eyes, while letting go of his chin and hand:
"Harry, this is serious," she said, annoyed. "Please, don't joke about this."
"I'm sorry," Harry said, looking down. "I'm just...I don't know...trying to take this easy, I guess."
"There's only one way, to accept all this," Hermione started, still without looking at him. "And it's not the easy way." She looked at Harry. "I know what the feeling of losing someone very close to you is like, someone that made you feel like you had a true family. I know the feeling of doom when we start thinking if we should, or not, accept reality, but we must. Accepting reality, is letting go our past...is letting go all the pain we're feeling...is setting free, all the ghosts of our past. You should know that better then anyone."
"See? That's everyone's problem!" Harry exclaimed so high, that made Hermione jump in surprise. "Why does everyone have to think I know everything better than the others? I'm a human being too, even if I wish not to be one sometimes!"
Hermione took a deep breath before looking at Harry.
"I never thought you should know more than the others; I never thought you were better than the others. I have always looked at you like a person that has feelings, that suffers as much as everyone, or even more...much more. But I also know you're my best friend and that, despite everything, I know what you feel most of the times...I know what you're feeling right now, at this moment."
"I doubt it," Harry murmured, without being able to contain himself.
"You're afraid," Hermione answered, looking right into Harry's eyes. "You're afraid of letting Sirius go, because you're afraid you'll be alone. But you will not. I will always be here for you, and I thought you knew that by now. But, maybe is my fault, maybe I haven't been such a good friend."
Hermione was about to stand up when Harry grabbed her wrist and made her sit on the couch again. He was ashamed for the way he had acted; Hermione was always there. She was always prepared to help him and Harry knew that. If there was someone he could count on, it was Hermione. Ron was his best friend, but Hermione was special. She was special in her own way, and Harry couldn't help but say she had been one of the best things that had happened in his life.
"Stay," he said in a whisper, and Hermione looked at the fire.
"Why?" she asked with her eyes tearing. "Why should I stay here when I know you're not going to open up to me? I know I'm not Ron, I know I'm not your best friend, but I didn't think that I was such a bad friend that you couldn't trust me...I thought you knew that...you're very...I mean...That yo..,"
Harry interrupted her, by hugging her.
"You're my best friend," he stated firmly but gently. "Never, ever, think otherwise. I...I just can't talk right now..,"
"I'm not going to force you," Hermione whispered, putting her hands on the boy's back.
"I'm...I'm just scared," Harry said as tears began to form in his eyes, but he held them at bay. "I'm scared of letting him go...I'm scared of being alone."
Harry couldn't stop now; he had started and now he would go to the end. He couldn't stop the tears or his words, even if he tried.
"I'm scared that, when I let Sirius go, I'll be all alone; alone to fight Voldemort...alone to understand the prophecy... I don't want to do what they want me to, because I'm scared someone will die...because I'm scared you or Ron will die. I...I couldn't bear it."
"Harry..," Hermione started, rocking her best friend. "Ron, me and everyone else, will always be here for you; no matter what you do to push us away. We'll always find a way to be with you. And Sirius, you should know him better. I bet he's here, right now, thinking why are you're taking so long to release him. Sirius needs his freedom, Harry, and only you can give it to him."
"Yep, you have been talking with Lupin," Harry joked, still crying but he could tell Hermione was smiling.
"Maybe," she answered. "But that's for me to know, and for you never to find out."
Harry smiled but didn't stop his tears.
"I'm scared, Hermione," he said and never, in his entire life, had he meant those words with so much truth. "I'm scared of loneliness; I'm scared of losing you and Ron. I'm scared of the future, as I'm scared of the past."
"Harry, the first thing you have to do is release your fears. You must release your past...you must release Sirius. You know he'll always be there for you, even if he isn't here physically." She stepped away, raised a hand, and touched Harry's chest, just above his heart. "He will always be here," she pressed her hand, to make Harry understand what she was meaning. "And no one, not even Voldemort, will be able to destroy the bond between you two."
Harry gave a teary smile, but when he's about to wipe his tears, Hermione's hand got there first. When he felt the girl's hand on his face, Harry closed his eyes. Peace and love flowed through the girl's touch, just like a sense of hope.
"Cry, Harry," Hermione continued in a soothing voice. "I'll be here to catch your
tears."
Nodding, Harry hugged her again and some more tears started falling from his eyes.
"Thanks Hermione," he said, with his voice trembling and Hermione nodded against him:
"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase"
Harry stopped crying and stepped away in an attempt to hear the girl better, but Hermione put a hand on his shoulder and made a signal for him to lie down. Harry looked unsure in the beginning but he lay on the couch, and put his head in the girl's lap.
"when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these year
but you still have all of me"
Harry closed his eyes, when he felt Hermione's hand on his forehead. Her hand was so warm and so soft, he couldn't help but smile. Something Hermione did in return when he opened his eyes to look at her.
"you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me"
Hermione's fingers touched Harry's scar, creating a tickling sensation, which caused Harry to smile wide.
"i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me..,"
While Hermione's voice was fading, Harry couldn't take his eyes from the girl's brown ones. There was something inside them that made Harry's stomach turn upside-down, and that made his heart start beating faster.
However, there was something else in Hermione's eyes that made Harry tremble. It was like she was torn between two feelings; he just couldn't say what ones.
"What are you staring at?" Hermione asked, raising her eyebrow. "Do I sing that bad?"
Harry blinked and shook his head.
"No, you sing perfectly." Hermione looked at him, still unsure and Harry smiled. "I think I'll be sleeping like a baby tonight."
"Harry," the girl started, putting a hand on the boy's forehead while grabbing the other. "I want you to know that, even if I did something that said the contrary, I'm always here to hear you and to help you, in everything I can."
"I know," Harry answered, getting up. "You're the best friend someone could have." Despite the seriousness of the subject, Harry couldn't help but smile when he saw the blush on the girl's cheeks. "No need to turn red," he said and Hermione punched him in the shoulder.
"Stop it," she said and Harry laughed. "Now, that's a sound I like to hear," she finished, with a smile.
"You've been the one that helped me," he said but Hermione shook her head.
"You still have to help yourself, only then will I be able to help you."
Harry got up, and offered Hermione his hand. She gladly took it and he helped her off the couch.
"Are you sure you haven't been speaking with Lupin?"
Hermione giggled.
"I told you, that's for me to know and for you never to find out."
Harry shrugged.
"I quit," he said, walking towards the stairs with Hermione at his side. "Thanks Hermione, for hearing me out."
Hermione shook her head, and touched his shoulder.
"We're friends, Harry; I'll be always here to help you."
Harry smiled and, surprising himself and Hermione, he leaned forward and kissed her cheek
"Thank you," he whispered before disappearing inside the boys dormitory, leaving a red Hermione staring at his retreating form, blankly.
~*s~
"Green, I'm walking towards the green. But I can feel the darkness around me, and the black is trying to take control of me. I still can feel your doubt, just like I can feel your fears. I want to help you, but I don't know how. Not when I'm still inside the valley of despair, not when I'm still trying to release myself.
Help me, that's what I want to say, but I know you have to help yourself first before everything else."
~*~
'Everything around him was a blur, he couldn't understand what was around him; he could only see shadows and hear voices that, though they seemed familiar, he couldn't put a finger on them.
"No, please!" a voice begged. "Let them go; it's me who you want. Let them go!"
"Do you think I'm going to let them go just because you ask me to? You're a fool," other voice started. "No, they're going to stay and I'm going to have some fun with them. Crucio!"
Screams started to fill the air and Harry put his hands over his ears. They were different screams, some of pain and others of pleas.
Then, everything went silent.
"See what happens, when people show they're weak?"
"Leave them!" a hoarse voice exclaimed.
"You're a fool man, if you think I'm going to do what you're saying," the voice answered,
who had done the cruciatus curse. "No, I'm going to have more fun."
"Please..," another voice started, sobbing. "Let them go...I'm the one you want...they can't do
anything...just let them go..!"
"Men can be so foolish," another voice continued. "You don't need to beg for anything, since you know what's going to happen, if you continue with this...drama!" Laughter filled the air, while Harry narrowed his eyes and tried to see who the people were that were around him. "But you can stop all this, if you come with us and do what I said."
"Never," the voice that, had been sobbing before, answered. "I'll never give you the pleasure to play with Harry, by using me!" Harry felt his heart stop beating; would it be possible that the voice was talking about him?
"Ah yes, Harry Potter," Harry had to remind himself to breathe. "He will see what happens with those who are close to him...one by one, everyone will disappear."
"We can leave Harry physically, but he knows we'll always be in his heart!"
Laughter started to be heard everywhere.
"Do you really think, he knows that? Potter is too stupid and has too much self-pity to understand what's around him. And you, my dear, are going to be the one to show him, the real meaning of pain!"
"Never," the voice answered. "You're trying to confuse me because you know I can tell everyone that you have the Torch!"
"How do you know about the Torch?" the voice that had been laughing asked.
"You know you'll have to kill me, because I can destroy you. But, you know if you do that, you'll not be able to play with Harry," the other voice continued, as if it had not heard the question. "You'll have to choose, and playing with Harry seems to be much better than killing me right now. You want him to suffer, and that won't happen if you killed me!"
"Unfortunately, you're right!" A clap was heard and Harry put a hand over his face when a bright green light appeared around him. It was a light so bright but, at the same time, so warm that Harry couldn't help but relax."And, as you may know, I can't touch the Torch directly. That would be my death. And that's where you come in."
"You want me to touch the Torch?"
"Yes, the pain is impossible to put in words, the nightmares that will come after the touch are impossible to bear, and the feeling of being torn in two, is unbreakable. So, that's why you're going to be the one to touch it."
Everything went silent for a minute.
"All right," the voice said. "I'll do it. But you have to promise that you'll release them.""As you wish!"
Harry could see someone approaching the green light. He couldn't see who it was, but he was sure he had seen a pair of brown eyes or a pair of dark green eyes; he wasn't sure. Then, if possible, the light seemed brighter and a scream was heard. Harry could tell that the person was holding back, with all their might, not to scream.
Just then, Harry heard the sound of someone falling to the ground and someone started laughing.
"You'll be mine this year Potter, just wait!"'
Harry sat on his bed, still with the laughter on his mind.
'What in the world was that?' he thought 'What in the world is going on?'
To Be Continued...
A/N: So, what do you think? Will you review and tell me? Please?