Chapter 19-Healing the Wounded
Molly Weasley was returning to the infirmary when she saw Hermione pacing in front of Professor Dumbledore's chambers. She could see the concern and agitation on Hermione's face. She tried her best to upbeat, so with a smile she addressed Hermione.
"Hermione, dear, I thought you'd be so happy now that Harry's out of the woods. You looked absolutely wonderful with him this afternoon. What's happened, sweetie?"
"Mrs. Weasley, I don't know. But I feel like crying all the time, no matter if Harry's with me or not. I can't sleep and I feel like I have had 100 cups of tea or coffee. I hate the way I feel." Hermione had her fingers near her mouth the whole time as if she would bite her nails for something to do."
"Hermione, a few days ago you wouldn't talk to anyone, you wouldn't shower if it meant leaving Harry. That's progress. You had a terrible ordeal. It will take time." Molly put her arms around Hermione and held her. Hermione responded in kind, glad for a motherly touch. She cried quietly into Molly's breast as they held each other.
"I'm…(sniffle)(sniffle)…so afraid of what might happen to Harry over this curse thing. He only did it to save me. Now I have to worry about losing him...(sniffle)(sniffle)….I miss him every time I can't see him." Molly couldn't understand the words as Hermione cried through them, but it was clear that she wasn't emotionally stable. Better, but she still had a long way to go.
"I know…Hermione, sweetie…I miss Ron…my little boy is missing too…he's not so little but I remember him that way. We'll help each other okay." She hugged Hermione with tears in her eyes as well. She brushed the hair away from Hermione's face and kissed her on the forehead with a smile afterwards.
"Thank you, Mrs. Weasley. Thank you, so much…," a tearful but less gloomy Hermione replied. They walked together for a while down one corridor talking about Ron and Harry, sharing little stories that made them laugh through their tears.
"Hermione, when we talk dear, you can call Mum Weasley or Molly if you like. I think you need someone besides Harry right now. And, mums have a lot of love to give. I'll share some of mine with you." She smiled and Hermione smiled back with a twinkle that hadn't been there in quite a while.
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Harry sat uncomfortably in the wheelchair wanting to get up and pace, but his legs wouldn't respond the way he wanted. He looked at Dumbledore sitting behind his ancient desk and Fawkes in the cage next to him. The room seemed warm to Harry, but he knew it was because of his anger at himself.
"Sir…(no response)…Professor Dumbledore?" queried Harry.
"Yes, Harry?"
"What is it that I have to do? What can I possibly do to repay her for the emotional trauma I have caused her?" He sighed deeply and felt his shoulders slump forward.
"Harry, if there is one thing I know, it is that you know what to do for Hermione. I won't play games with you on this, because I can see you are genuinely disheartened that you have caused her discomfort. You can talk to her Harry. You can talk to her like no one else on earth can talk to her. You love her with every thought and breath, and she loves you the same way. She will listen. She may not understand, but I will help you with that."
"How?" said Harry.
"Harry, do you know the difference between guilt and remorse? They are nearly the same, but if you look closely, one is healthier than the other. Both you and Hermione should be remorseful, not guilt-ridden-you for your actions changing her memory, she for killing a man for any reason, curse or no curse. Guilt can cripple, remorse is the emotion of accepting the responsibility and the consequences of an action and resolving to never do it again, if humanly possible. It also means that you give yourself credit where credit is due. You both did what you did because of one of the two strongest emotions of man. Love is one; hate is the other. Those who kill out of hate get guilt as a reward. Don't let that be you, Harry."
"I don't understand how that helps Hermione." Harry said tilting his head in confusion.
"She suffers the guilt of killing a man on one hand and the guilt of being the reason you killed someone on the other. She sees you as blameless, but taking the fall for her inability to save herself and put you at risk. Talk to her about the truth of what happened. Tell her how you wanted to spare her feeling what she feels right now." Dumbledore paused and ran his fingers through his beard. "Tell her that your plan failed, but you love her and are remorseful for your actions. Tell her the difference." Dumbledore raised his hands with them open in front of him as if he were raising something. "Raise her up and give her credit for her courage. She had to do something…that something was a terrible choice between remembering another curse or the one she remembered. She did what she did out of love too Harry. Let her know that you appreciate her sacrifice by facing the consequences she has to face."
Harry had tears in his eyes. He had suffered a great deal of mental anguish as well. He didn't like seeing his friends dying and being crippled because some maniacal wizard had to kill him to survive himself. "Professor Dumbledore, I hurt inside for the Weasleys, Mr. Lovegood and Luna, and the Thomas family wherever they are. They are being destroyed or whatever because of me."
"Harry, none of this would be easy for me with so many more years experience. So I know it is overwhelming and painful for you," Dumbledore had crossed from his desk to where Harry was sitting while Harry spoke. He put his hand on Harry's shoulder and bent down. "Finally, the solution to correcting the memory change. You will use a pensieve to remove the memories in their purest form without your mind deciding what to show or not show. And, she will be given them to see the real events as they occur. This will not change her memory necessarily, but she will understand the circumstances and your intentions as well as the need for action. As you so aptly put it earlier, Harry--'In theory'. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir. When do we start?"
"Right now Harry. I was preparing the pensieve as we spoke. I knew you would do the right thing. Before we do this though, you must understand that you and she need to be remorseful for your actions. Life and death should never be dealt without emotion-birth with happiness, death with sadness."
Dumbledore counseled Harry on how to clear his mind of all events things except that night. Dumbledore asked Harry to recount the entire afternoon and evening. Dumbledore thought for a few minutes and decided that Harry should begin with the meeting with Professor McGonagall and recall everything he could about the evening. Everything. He explained that it would give Hermione perspective rather than just a jolt of 'this is how it happened'. She could focus on the love they shared before the horrible events that followed. As Harry sat quietly with his eyes closed, Dumbledore asked him to tell him each time the scene in his memory changed. Dumbledore charmed his wand and removed the memory. The process lasted several hours into the morning.
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When Harry returned to the infirmary, he found Mrs. Weasley in his bed curled up with Hermione like a mother protecting her child. He knew that Mrs. Weasley was one of the nicest people he had ever met. With a sad blink of his eyes to clear the tears that had formed from the sight of his lovely Hermione and Mrs. Weasley, he thought of Ron, and another tear formed.
The morning came with Harry sitting in his wheelchair backed up against the side of his bed so he could use the mattress as a pillow and so he could be as close to Hermione as possible. Mrs. Weasley woke first.
"Harry dear," she whispered. "Come over here, we'll get up and let you sleep." Hermione woke slowly but with a grin at the sight of Harry's messed up hair and the wrinkles in his face from the mattress.
"Hermione, let's go down to breakfast, okay?" Harry said enthusiastically.
"Uh, I don't know if I am hungry, Harry?" she replied with an I'm-not-awake-yet whine.
"Come on sleepy head, we have Occlumency in a half-hour in Dumbledore's chambers. We can't be late. This will be the best lesson yet. I worked with Professor Dumbledore on it last night."
"Oh, all right. If it were for anybody but you I'd tell you to go jump in the lake." Hermione said with a weak smile. Harry was pleased that she had at least made a joke. She usually laughed when she said that though.
They ate breakfast and chatted about how pretty the falling leaves looked outside the windows of the infirmary this morning as they gazed out. They talked about how great it was that Ginny was already back in class and helping track the progress of the search for Ron. They each looked sad at that thought but moved on.
Finally, Harry thought. We can get this done. He felt so much better now that he didn't have all those bad memories of the other night. He could remember everything, but now that he had spoken them aloud they seemed less threatening. He hoped it worked for Hermione too.
Hermione wheeled Harry through the corridors like a race car making all sorts of silly noises as she turned the corners. Harry was worried that he would end up in the chair permanently if she wasn't careful. Her spirits seemed brighter today. Maybe it was because he could smile so effortlessly.
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Inside his chambers, Dumbledore waited with Remus Lupin who would assist with today's lesson on the pensieve. They had discussed Harry's choices and Hermione's as well. They were convinced that this was the best answer.
Hermione and Harry arrived with smiles on their faces which lightened the mood considerably.
"Hermione, Harry knows what we are going to do today. And, it is important that you listen very carefully to Harry." Dumbledore nodded to Harry to begin as he and Lupin sat down across the way.
Harry pulled the short table with the pensieve over toward Hermione and began. "Hermione, I have to tell you something that I did that was wrong." He looked in her eyes for recognition. She was listening. "First, you know that I love everything about you. Your beautiful face, the smell of your hair, the way you think, and the incredibly kind way you treat me." He was finding it hard to tell her, but he pressed on. "Hermione, some of what happened the other night didn't happen the way you think it did." Hermione fidgeted a bit at the mention of that night.
"You remember how it took both of us to get the wands out of that creep's hands. Well, when he slashed me with the knife I couldn't move for split-second as he swung again toward me and you again….you used the 'killing curse' to stop him."
"No, Harry, you turned at the last second and said…," she stopped for a minute with a tear in her eye. She didn't know what to say.
Harry took her hand as she started to pull it away from him. "Mione, listen to me. I saw the pain in your eyes and the sadness you felt. I yelled something at you and you came around for a second. Then I took your wand, concentrated and ….changed your memory to think I had done it. I didn't want you to live with the memory of killing someone. If they were going to put someone away for it, it would be me." He teared up and cupped her hand in both of his. "I couldn't let you feel that pain. But it turned out to be worse, because you got depressed because you thought they'd take me away. I am so sorry, Hermione."
She sat emotionless for a few seconds and then, not believing what she was hearing--she said, "You did what?"
"I changed the way you saw the fight so you would think I killed him with 'the curse'. But you knew deep down in your heart what had happened so you felt guilty, but you could figure out why. So, I think you thought it was because I would be taken away. Is that why, Hermione?"
She was softly sobbing, but was able to answer. "Yes. I saw you laying their dead. At least, that's what I thought when they attacked you from behind."
Harry put his hands on the arms of the wheelchair and pushed himself up so he could sit on the sofa beside her. He put his arm around her and put his hand behind her head and pulled it gently into his chest. "This heart beats for you, Mione. No one else." They were silent for a few moments when Professor Dumbledore spoke.
"Hermione, Harry has put his memories of that day in the pensieve. If you pick it up and look into it you can see the swirling thoughts." She picked it up cautiously, looking into it for the first time. "Put your face closer until the thoughts come into view. You may get the sensation of placing your face in water. I assure you, you will not drown. Listen closely and watch as Harry recalls the night." Harry pulled himself somewhat helplessly to the other end of the sofa to give Hermione room.
Hermione pulled the pensieve up and as Dumbledore had warned she got the sensation of putting her face in a sink full of water.
She watched and listened to Professor McGonagall give the results of their proposal, she heard the music and saw her self as Harry looked at her with loving eyes and desire….she wanted to pull away…but she didn't…as she was sitting on his stomach and he tried to get up…again she felt an unaccustomed sense of passion…she watched as they sat and laughed and studied…when the ordeal began she was calm as Harry had seemed, but when the mad man appeared with the wand Harry became enraged that he was trying to hurt her…and then through Harry's eyes she saw herself shoot the green light of 'the curse' and the man fell…she could sense another thought pattern…she realized it was hers in Harry's head….this experience made her dizzy as she went from remembering the way Harry had seen the actual events to the way he wanted her to see them….mercifully she was spared the pain Harry felt as he was ambushed from behind.
"Whoosh," she said as she pulled away from the pensieve. She had been living the night with Harry's thoughts for over an hour now. As with most memories, it didn't play in real time. They were bits and pieces of the most memorable events, but she had seen what she needed to see.
She sat silently, as did Harry, Lupin, and Dumbledore. They hoped that there was at least some positive indication soon.
Harry thought, she may be a bit angry, a bit sad, or whatever she felt but at least she knew now what he knew.
Her face was stone cold unemotional for several minutes and then a tear and a smile. "I saved your life, Harry. That's why I did it. I'm sad I killed that man, but no matter the consequences-I'd do it again, if I had no choice." She moved over and kissed his cheek.
Tears welled in Harry's eyes…his Hermione was back. Sad in some ways, but resilient like the Hermione he'd known before. She had been more courageous than he'd ever thought she could be. "Hermione, you were so brave. I should have told you and held you, and told you it was okay. But instead I nearly drove you crazy with guilt and pain. I am so sorry." The tears were overwhelming him. Hermione reached for Harry and pulled him close. She put his ear to her chest, "This heart beats for you too love. No one else."