AN: Hello everybody! I'm here with a new chapter. I am very surprised at how quickly I'm updating, but let me tell you this now. Don't get used to it. School is just a little brutal right now. Because I am an extremely lazy person, I will not respond to every review, but if you have questions, I will reply to them. I just have to say that I absolutely love reviews. I'll find myself on campus, studying during my breaks and I'll have a huge urge to go to the labs just to see if there are any new reviews. They really help in the inspiration process. So the more reviews I get, the more the wheels turn, so please take the time to respond. Thanks
• Cheering Charm: It does sound a little AU doesn't it? I'll try to write the following chapters with some more details from the book. It's not supposed to be AU.
• Jenna Kathleen: I didn't want Harry to realize he loved her from a previous confession. You will see what I mean in this chapter. Plus I wanted to give Hermione a little face when Harry 'turns her down'.
** Harry's POV **
I have been driving for the last 2 hours. I think I have circled Big Ben for the 4 th time tonight.
The clock is flashing 01:27.
Ron called my cell. He finally learned to use it. I guess it's not that easy to floo in a car and the owls may be a bit conspicuous.
He thinks I have gone completely mental.
'Why drive the muggle death-trap contraption when you can apparate perfectly?'
There are some things Ron will never understand.
I enjoy my long drives. It's just something that I have picked up. It gives me the time to think about all those things that I never had time to contemplate before. You know, with the whole 'Voldemort is trying to kill me' thing.
I should be happy for her. I really should be.
But I'm not.
I am a horrible human being. The one time when my best friend has found happiness, I cannot even find it in my heart to wish her happiness.
It should be me marrying her.
I am horrible, I tell you.
It started this morning when I received Hermione's owl.
Dear Harry,
I have BIG news to tell everyone. Please make time from your busy 'social' schedule to make it to my flat at 5:30. Tell Ron, Ginny and Neville if he's back from his mission.
With love,
Hermione
I don't know what bothers me more, her assumption of my social life or her engagement.
I cannot say that I am not to blame for her assumption.
It started just after the war and I got used to people calling me the boy-who-lived. I got a lot of attention.
Some good, some not so good
I just kind of let go. I didn't fuckin' care if people talked or anything.
Girls wanted to fuck the boy-who-killed-Voldemort and I let them.
It sounds much more vulgar than it actually is.
I was an emotionally, and sexually frustrated teenager. At that point in my life, I was more than willing to lose my virginity. I wish I hadn't, I fell into the loop.
I just couldn't stay in a relationship. I tried. I really tried. But they were lacking some quality that I just couldn't quite put my finger on at the time. Some of them were smart, some of them funny, some were both.
It was just sex. Nothing else.
It was hard for me (no pun intended) because I knew I didn't love any of them.
They weren't Hermione. Of course I don't realize it until much later.
That's what happens when you don't know what you want. Now that I know what I want, it's too late.
Life is so unfair.
I don't know when I started, but I think it was sometime when her relationship with Theo started getting serious.
I just knew that none of her other suitors could have really gotten anywhere with her. They were too… how would you address 'boring and dull' in the nicest way possible?
More than many of them were the not much unlike the scum you would scrape off from a bar stool. And more than many times have Ron and I offered to 'teach' some certain ex-boyfriends some manners.
And then there was Theo.
Theo.
I don't like that guy. But of course, who likes the boyfriend of the one you are madly in love with?
He just walked in like some hippie offspring, punk rock music loving, Ozzy Osbourne loving…
I don't know.
Truth is... I can't hate the guy. He's just too damn likable. Lavender and Ginny fawn over him. Ron is in awe of him (His dad owns the Chorley Cannons). And Hermione is in love with him.
He's just the catalyst that made me realize how much I love Hermione. But he is also the obstacle that is keeping me from her.
I don't know how it happened. She was always there when I needed her.
Every time a nasty rumor arouse, every time I was slapped in the face, every time I captured a snitch. She was always there through the good and the bad.
Why would she do such a thing, silly girl.
It's very true when they say you don't know what you have until you see it leave.
I just thought it would never happen to me.
I mean bloody hell! I was the fucking boy-that-lived. You think that they would let me catch a break in life.
How many times do I have to lose the ones I love?
First it was mum and dad, then Sirius, and now, Hermione.
It's my own bloody fault.
I have done nothing but taken her for granted. I knew she had some sort of feelings for me since Hogwarts. I think I realized it when I woke up from after the battle. She was sleeping so peacefully and clutching to my hand so tightly I thought I had to call Madam Comfrey for some more scale-grow.
I am such a jackass. I still remember how horrid I was to her when she told me she loved me.
Grade 'A' Jackass.
I didn't see it then. I was so bloody blind.
I always thought that she would be my unspoken backup. You know, in case I grow to be 40 and still no relationship kind of thing. So in other words, I used her.
I kept hoping that nothing good will ever come along for her so I will always have her. So I will always have this dominance over her.
Grade 'A' jackass bastard.
I am the type of guy that I should be beating up for breaking her heart.
Look at what I have become.
I'm sure mum and dad are real proud.
I keep having these imaginary thoughts of going up to her and confessing everything. I just want to go up to her and shake some sense into her.
"DON'T MARRY HIM HERMIONE!!! YOU LOVE ME, NOT HIM!!"
Then I wake up finding myself behind the wheel.
So bloody selfish.
But I cannot bring myself to do that to her. I am not spoiling her one chance to happiness. I cannot jeopardize her emotions by adding in a wild card. Not that it would matter.
She's in love with Theo. Not me. Not anymore.
I had my chance.
And I blew it.
AN: I hoped you liked this chapter. It wrote 2 versions of it but I didn't like either of them so I got fed up and chose the better one. But I am still not 100% happy with it, but it serves its purpose. Review please!! I thrive on reviews!!!