Disclaimer: Not mine. Belongs to the all-knowing JKR.
Chapter Title: Four; Drawing Closer
Chapter Summary: A discussion, a project, and a plea.
Chapter Written: February 5, 2004
~*~
Caught in a winter's rain
I can't remember a word you said
Take away my fear please hold on to me
I'm falling
Falling
--Black Sunday, Cold
~*~
"Morning, love," a rather chipper voice interrupted Lily's vague thoughts. She had only just awoken, and was still rather disoriented. Peeling her eyes slowly open, she considered whatever she could remember, thoughts hazy with exhaustion.
"Huh?" Lily managed rather sleepily, still trying to figure everything out. Suddenly, she realized that her head was resting in someone's lap… in the voice's lap… in Potter's lap. Lily sat up immediately, awakened out of her tired state by the sheer, horrifying thought.
Potter seemed to be reading her face, because he quickly threw up his hands, as if shielding himself from the menacing glare Lily was now delivering. "Don't hex me, please, Evans. You fell asleep, and I figured you would need some rest. I just didn't want to wake you up."
James couldn't, or rather wouldn't, tell her that his lack of persuasive awakening was not due solely to the fact that she had just lost someone as dear to her as a mother. He wouldn't even dare to mention that he had let her sleep partly because of the way the hair fell over her face, cascading in gentle waves over her tranquil face. The words would never pass his mouth that when she was sleeping, her slender torso rising and falling with every slender breath, that he felt more at home, more surrounded by comfort, than he had ever felt before. James couldn't possibly explain that, as she was sleeping, he actually felt true peace, in every inch of his body.
Lily sighed, and gave a little yawn. "What time is it, anyway?"
James checked the wizarding watch on his rest, blinking in surprise. "It's four o'clock," he declared.
"What?! I missed all of potions?!"
James chuckled, shaking his head. "It's four in the morning. You missed potions a long time ago, Evans," he paused as her stomach suddenly rumbled. "And you missed dinner," he pointed out.
She looked slightly startled, then gave him a suspicious and slightly befuddled glance. "You stayed here?" She could hardly believe that any Marauder would miss a meal, as all of them, even Remus, seemed to need a great deal more food than anyone else in the school. He's probably just lying so I won't curse him for… for displays of affection.
"I didn't want you waking up alone."
That effectively cut off Lily's thoughts, and the sincere tone with which he spoke made it hard for her to doubt him. She met his eyes; her own filled with bafflement, not understanding this considerably more sweet side of James. "Oh," she replied softly.
There was a long, awkward pause, in which Lily tried to sort through the puzzle of James Potter and he attempted to figure out exactly what she was thinking. This went on for several minutes, until both began to grow uncomfortable. However, Lily's stomach attempted a small ice breaker when it rumbled more loudly, demanding nourishment.
"Want to grab a bite to eat? I know how to get to the kitchens," James suggested.
Lily stared at him for a seemingly interminable pause, before finally offering a reluctant nod.
James smiled tentatively, then stood and strode to the door, glancing behind him to make sure Lily was following. Her gaze, that had been on his back and now met his eyes, was queer. It writhed with surprise, uncertainty, confusion, and almost… hope? He wasn't quite sure.
It took her a moment, to realize that he had caught her staring, and she immediately blushed. However, James made no comment, and Lily rose to follow him in silence.
Not a word was spoken over the entire course of their walk, and though James followed habit and surreptitiously snuck glances at Lily, on occasion he was both amused and shocked to find her glancing at him. Of course, her eyes bore nothing of the adoration in his, but rather assessment. It was unnerving, but James found himself satisfied with the mere fact that she was looking at him out of her own free will.
Finally, their stroll drew to a halt before a rather large portrait of a fruit bowl. Evans raised an eyebrow when he stopped, but said nothing. He began to wonder if she was being silent for the sheer pleasure of creeping him out, or whether she was actually deep in thought. Leaning over slightly, he tickled the pear, and grinned at Lily's surprise when the kitchens entrance appeared.
"Welcome," James drawled in a stately voice, "to Hogwarts Kitchens." He bowed, acting the perfect chaperone, and Lily gave a small laugh before entering.
James followed behind her, and within moments a squeaky, energetic house elf was before the pair. "Mr. Potter!" the elf squeaked, "so good to have you back, Mr. Potter!"
James smiled at the jittery creature, "Hello, Cringle. How have you been?"
The elf beamed at James's remembrance, "Cringle is doing wonderfully, Mr. Potter! Can he help you with anything, Mr. Potter?"
He nodded, "D'you have anyplace to sit? And some food would be great, whatever Lily wants."
Cringle turned to grin elatedly at Lily, "Hello, Miss! What would you like, Miss?"
Lily smiled affectionately at the bright elf, and requested, "Could you get us some chicken noodle soup, Cringle? Oh, and pickles would be really nice."
James smothered a laugh at her pickles, causing Lily to give him a little glare. Cringle broke up any idea of argument when he grabbed Lily's hand and began to drag her towards a table that had suddenly appeared further into the kitchen. "Please, come Miss! We can get you pickles, yes, and chicken noodle soup!"
Lily slid into a seat at the small table, James taking the one across from her. Their food came swiftly, a bowl of chicken noodle soup for each, and a large container of pickles. Lily and James both ate quietly for several minutes, before Lily let her spoon rest and asked broke the quiet.
"Why are you doing this?" She asked softly.
"Well, people normally eat when they get hungry-" James began.
"You know that's not what I meant. Why are you… being nice, and helping me?"
It was getting tiresome, not being able to tell her what he felt. If he had, Lily might have learned that he'd leap into lava just to stare into her eyes for a heartbeat, or die one-thousand deaths only to see her smile. If he would just be more courageous, to tell her how strongly he felt, she might have learned that he was in love with her.
But he was not so brave.
"Someone has to," James offered in reply.
"I'm not a lost puppy looking for company, Potter," she snapped.
"Whoa, slow down Evans. It's just that you don't have many friends-"
"I do too!"
"-here. All of you're friends are intelligent, mature, and older than you. They've already left Hogwarts," he explained.
"I have friends," she stated indignantly.
"You have acquaintances. What you need, Lily, is someone to be there when you need more than help with your homework. You need someone for more than a discussion of the weather. You need someone to listen to you, when you need it more than any book or spell. I want to be that person."
~*~
James arrived at breakfast quite late. The Marauders were already seated, and glanced up as James slid into the seat beside Remus's. "You better eat fast, Prongs," Remus stated, "we have to be at Potions soon."
"I know," James responded lazily, his mind clearly elsewhere. "I ate earlier."
They all followed his gaze, to where it rested on Lily Evans. She was sitting alone at the far end of the table, head cupped in one hand. Her gaze was distant, staring off at some remote image in her mind. She, too, had gone nowhere near her food.
Sirius spun to James immediately, and proceeded in interrogation. "What happened, Prongs?"
"Nothing, Padfoot," James told him calmly, slowly drawing his eyes away from Lily.
"Where were you yesterday at dinner?" Remus attempted.
"Busy," he responded carelessly.
"With what?"
James was silent, and began to sense the anticipation held in all of his friends. "It was nothing, really."
"I think we can make that decision for ourselves," Peter declared.
"Yea," Sirius agreed, "so what happened?"
James drew his hand slowly through his hair, and then sighed. "I can't tell you."
"Why not?"
"It's not mine to tell," James replied, growing angry with Sirius's persistence.
"But-"
"Back off, Padfoot," James growled. He stood, storming rather exasperatedly out of the Great Hall.
Sirius made to follow, but Remus halted such actions, "Leave him alone, Sirius."
"He's not allowed to hide secrets, it's the code!" Sirius cried, tossing his hands in the air for emphasis.
"One, we don't have a code Sirius. Two, Prongs needs some time to cool off, he looks tired. Three, he said it's not his secret to tell, and you know how he can be about loyalty." Remus met Sirius's puppy-like gaze with forceful eyes, not giving an inch.
"But Moony, he's supposed to be loyal to us. Y'know, by telling us what's going on!"
"No, Padfoot," Remus demanded, and a staring war ensued. In the end, Sirius backed down, and lowered himself grumpily into his chair.
"Fine," he muttered, "destroy my curiously enthusiastic behavior then. See if I mind."
The next five minutes proceeded in perfect silence, before the trio departed for classes.
~*~
James and Sirius entered Transfiguration, having just finished lunch. They were currently plotting techniques for the quidditch team, as Sirius had recently been informed of his new Captainship.
"Don't you think it's a little weird though, mate?" Sirius mentioned offhand.
"What?"
"Well, them choosing me as captain. You're a better player," Sirius explained.
James shrugged carelessly, "Probably thought you were a better strategist. I don't know. Personally, Padfoot, I'm glad I'm not captain. Too much bloody work."
"Work," Sirius paled, "it requires work?"
James chuckled and slapped him on the back, "Good luck, Padfoot."
They took their seats, and James glanced around at the room's occupants. One Ravenclaw was already seated, chatting with three Hufflepuffs. Huddled in the corner were two Slytherins, to whom Sirius and James shot a nasty glare. The final student hurried through the door, her crimson mass of waves streaming down her back.
Lily glanced around the room, eyes flickering between the seat beside Potter and the one next to a Hufflepuff. Then, much to everyone's surprise, Lily strode purposefully towards the seat beside James. She slid into it calmly, setting down her book and retrieving a quill from her bag before looking up to meet a collection of wide-eyed stares. "What?"
The Hufflepuff boy spoke up, "Er, there's a seat over here, Lily."
She blinked, and nodded to the boy, William Johnson, she reminded herself. "I know, Will."
He paused, then glanced over to where James was staring blankly at Lily. "Er," Will said softly, "then why are you sitting by Potter?"
"Better view," Evans responded calmly.
His eyebrows knit together in confusion. "We're in a horseshoe, Lily. They're all the same view."
No shit Sherlock, Jams responded inwardly. What kind of idiot are you? "Her seat has a better view of the window," he pointed the window directly across from him. "Or are you to blind to notice, Johnson?"
He turned around in his chair and muttered a soft, "Oh."
Lily turned to him the moment the class had slipped into relaxed conversation once more. "You couldn't be any nicer, Potter?"
"Not to Captain Obvious over there," James replied, tipping back his chair and waving a hand at William. "Bloody stupid bloke."
Lily rolled her eyes. "Oh, compared to what? Your amazing intelligence?"
"Hey," he snapped, "I made all NEWT classes, thank you very much!"
"You're kidding."
"Want to see the schedule?"
"Not if it's been near you."
"You're near me."
"And regretting it, trust me."
"I'm hurt."
"And I'm sure I find that incredibly disappointing."
"I know you do."
"Because I care so terribly much."
"Aw, I am loved!"
"You wish!"
"I bloody well do."
"Yeah, like you just love me."
"I -"
"As amusing as you two are," Sirius interrupted the conversation, "I have better things to do than to listen to you arguing like my grandparents."
A horrified look appeared on Lily's face, and James smirked. "Really though," Sirius continued, "your sitting here is a bit weird. I mean, close proximity to each other normally results in both of you in the Hospital Wing.
A faintly surprised look crossed Lily's face as she glanced towards James, who shook his head. He didn't tell his friends about last night? But, doesn't he like get bragging rights for me sleeping with my head in his lap and then eating with him? Why didn't he tell? Lily wondered silently. "Potter and I…" She thought a moment, then excused herself with, "Potter and I have to be able to work together to be Head Boy and Girl. And for charms. So… I'm putting up a… neutral front."
"Prongs," Sirius practically shouted in a stage whisper, "I think that means she's falling! Good work!"
~*~
Sirius entered the library, gaze roving the room in search of a certain brunette Slytherin. She was there, perched on a stool in the corner, bent over a rather ancient looking book. She appeared to be taking notes, quill scrawling swiftly over a roll of worn parchment.
He strolled over to Crystal, calmly taking the seat beside her. She didn't even bother to glance up, absorbed by whatever she was working on.
"Hallo, Howling. How has your morning been?" Sirius asked cheerily, grinning.
"Sod off," was Crystal's blunt reply.
Sirius sighed, faking a look of depression and pressing a hand to his heat. "You wound me, Howling. And yet, the mere sound of your voice soothes my soul."
Crystal snorted, "Fine, now that you're healed, leave." Still not looking up, she pointed a finger at the desk across the room. "I'm sure your flock of giggling girls misses you."
"Yes, but I'd much rather spend time in your dazzling company, pet."
"Go away, damn you," she cursed, her tone vexated.
Sirius's grin broadened, but he made no move to leave. Instead, he promptly unpacked a text book and began to read, flipping idly through the pages. After a few minutes, Crystal glanced up, glaring at him. He sat peacefully, enduring her fiery look for several more moments before turning to face her and offering a polite smile.
"Can you please stop glaring? It's ruining my concentration," he lied, though he sounded sincere enough.
Crystal, however, didn't seem to buy this, as she smirked cruelly as if in amusement at his pitiful attempt at earnestness. She packed up her book and work, then proceeded to move to a different table. Sirius watched her go, then waited several seconds before doing the same. He felt the glare as soon as he sat down, and ruefully came to the conclusion that Howling had a very powerful glare.
"So…" He drawled, trying to disrupt the tension filled silence between the pair, "why are you always so silent and broody anyway?"
"Talking to idiots annoys me," she stated flatly.
He gave her a wide, charming smile. "Well, it's a good thing you're talking to me then, aye?"
Her lips twitched. It was there, the tiniest hint of a smile, the hidden laughter that now danced in the very depths of her chilly chocolate eyes. Sirius could have jumped for joy, just to see that miniscule hint of emotion. But, for some reason, the notion that she was nearly displaying emotion-other than frigid emptiness-because of him was simply elating.
However, she swiftly returned to her usual self. "Black, you are an idiot."
He laughed; a smooth, rich sound that was rarely heard outside of his close circle of friends. For being one of Hogwarts's most famed pranksters, he was not one to laugh so easily. There simply was no one out there who could hold the amount of sarcasm and easy bluntness that was required to bring the sound from is vocals.
"Yes," he replied, "but it's much more fun that being a Ravenclaw always holed up in the library."
"Yes, because it's so much better to be a Gryffindor who spends his time plotting pranks and shagging sluts," she responded dryly.
"Hey!" He cried, eyes flashing, "I do more than that!"
"Like what?"
"Like..." He paused, then grinned, "Like chatting with lovely Slytherins in the library."
"Call me lovely again, and I'll wipe that grin off your face," she responded, her tone disgusted
He leaned forward, till his face was only inches from hers, and read the surprise that she fought to remove from her face. "How do you plan to go about it, lovely?"
She groped on her desk anxiously, grabbed her book, and slammed him in the head with it. Sirius let out a yelp, leaping away from her and bringing a hand to his head. "Like that," Crystal replied, her tone businesslike.
"Damn it woman, are you trying to kill me?"
"I suppose that's far too wonderful to hope for."
"I was just talking to you! You didn't have to hit me over the head with a ten pound book!"
The look she sent him when her face raised to meet his was dangerous, pools flashing in anger unmatched. "You were two inches from my face, Black. I don't want you two meters from where I sit. Understand?"
Oh, he understood alright. Sirius stared at her, head cocked slightly to one side. He understood that this was a new challenge. Oh yes, Crystal Howling was going to become Sirius Black's new project.
He was going to make her fall in love with him.
~*~
James strolled through his hall, headed towards the great Hall for dinner. NEWT Transfiguration, he had discovered today, was going to be pathetically easy. The spells were all ones that Sirius and he had learned long ago, spells you had to master before becoming an anamagi. Besides, they would be having almost no homework, except to practice because, McGonagall had declared, "NEWT Transfiguration will be one of the most difficult classes you take." That had made him laugh. At this rate, NEWT Transfiguration was going to be his easiest class.
Sirius had left earlier for dinner, but James had wanted to fetch a few things from the Head Common room. He would meet the others there. Ambling calmly as he was, the peace that had settled upon was disrupted when a well kwon voice remarked coldly from behind him, "So, your girl finally get what was coming to her?"
James spun, wand already in hand, to face Snape. "Shut up, Snivellus, I don't have the time to waste on you."
Snape sneered, "Personally, I'm glad. The Meadows always were mud-rollers, consorting with mudbloods constantly."
James glared, his voice rising in anger. "Sod off! Don't bloody insult Mrs. Meadows! Just because you're a damn Death Eater doesn't mean I can't hex you into yesterday!"
Snape cackled, a merciless, brutal sound. "You won't do anything, Potter. That filthy mudblood whore has you wrapped around her little finger, and she'd be upset."
In an instant, Severus found himself slammed against the stone wall, his feet no longer touching the ground. James's expression was amazing powerful, a loathing and ferocity beyond anything Snape had ever seen in his eyes. They were filled with passion, chock full of defensive… love.
"Don't you dare." Severus had never heard him sound so vehement, and it was shocking and quite frightening. "I swear, Snape, another word about Evans and I will kill you. I swear."
Perhaps he was simply stupid, but Snape burst into malicious laughter. "Are you in love with her Potter? Oh, I can't believe it! You're in love with the bitch." James hands suddenly tightened around his throat, but Severus continued to choke out words. "It… will be so… funny… once… once he… gets rid of her…"
With the threat to Lily, James hands suddenly clenched tighter, and Severus pawed in vain at his broad hands. "He won't get to her. I would never let it happen. I--"
"James Potter, release him now!" Lily shouted, having just rounded he corner
James leaned closer to Snape, "Ever," he whispered fiercely, before allowing Snape to tumble to the ground. Without taking so much as a glance at Lily, James swept towards the Head commons.
Lily watched him go, baffled. He'd been so nice yesterday, and today-he had almost killed Snape! The bastard! I can't believe I actually thought he might be getting better! He was just… just trying to seduce me or something! Bastard!
She glanced down at Snape, but made no move to help him. Instead, she frowned at his position on the floor, came to the conclusion that he would live, and hurried after James. She walked briskly through the halls, tracing his path while contemplating just exactly how best to injure Potter.
Every thought but pure hatred left her mind as soon as she entered the common room. He was standing on the far side of the room, leaning on a windowsill and staring out at the grounds. She couldn't see any of him but his cloaked back, and didn't notice the exhaustion and pain etched on every line of his face.
If she had, maybe she wouldn't have shouted. But she couldn't, so Lily promptly cried, "What the hell did you think you were doing?!"
"Don't Evans," his voice was tight with some restrained emotion, "just don't."
"I bloody well will! You were killing him Potter!"
"He deserved it," James replied harshly. "The filth; he's nothing but a heartless, cowardly Snape. Just like his family."
"If you think that, you're no better than Snape himself," Lily retorted.
"I'm nothing like him," he shot, his voice dangerously passionate.
"You have this stereotype against the Snapes-all Slytherins-just like the one he has against muggle-borns," she explained
"But… But they're evil."
Lily sighed, "Not everyone is evil just because of where they live. There are plenty of rude and Gryffindors, or cruel Ravenclaws."
James ran a hand through his hair. "Snape deserves it. He said…" James trailed off, still staring distantly out the window, though he went suddenly stiff, as if he had something he hadn't meant to.
Lily raised an eyebrow, giving him a queer look. "What did he say?"
"Nothing, forget it," he said dismissively.
"No I want to know."
"Lily-"
"I'm not a child, Potter," she snapped.
James sighed, still not daring to look at her, not wanting to read whatever mixture of hatred and disappointment that was currently on her face. It was becoming unbearable, her anger that was beginning to seem terribly unfounded-or rather, created on only impressions and not truth. "He called you a-a mudblood whore bitch."
Lily crossed her arms, glaring at his back. "I've heard it before, Potter. I don't need you to defend my honor."
James spun, and the look in his eyes shocked Lily. It was passionate, worried, protective, and warm all at once. He swept towards her, stopping only inches away from where her glare was failing. There was a frown on his face as he spoke, and his voice was broken by a lack of confidence. "He threatened you. Lily, he threatened to kill you. And I can't live without you Lily. I can't live without you." There was a seemingly endless pause, as his gaze filled with pleading, an emotion that echoed in his voice. "Please don't make me live without you Lily."