Disclaimer: I don't own it. Shocker, aye? That's what I thought.
Chapter Title: Six; Past and Future
Chapter Summary: A few pointless actions, talks of the future, the transformation of Remus, and a Hogsmeade trip-or not.
~*~
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sand castles
Spend their time collapsing
--Let that Be Enough, Switchfoot
~*~
Patrols began that Monday, with Lily and James taking the latest shift together every night, the eleven o'clock to twelve o'clock shift. The other shifts were spread amongst the prefects, and there was always two pairs patrolling, each from different houses. Monday classes passed uneventfully, and that night Lily and James could be found in their common room once more.
Lily was growling over a particularly difficult translation of NEWT Ancient Runes, the one class she did not share with James. He glanced up from his position on the floor, a rather large collection of books on feral potions strewn around him. "Anything I can do to help?" he asked.
Lily glanced up, smiling exhaustedly at him. "No, I'm just sick of this. One week into the year, and the classes are already impossible. There's no way I'm going to survive all these NEWT classes, much less the actual tests."
He stood, stretching languidly. "It's about time for us to stop anyway. Patrol starts in ten minutes."
"Yeah," Lily, giving a last glare to the tricky rune, also stood. "I shouldn't have taken Ancient Runes this year," she commented as the pair swept out of the common room.
"Why not?" James asked, giving her a curious glance.
"Well, it's not really going to help me later in life. It'll just be useless knowledge."
He raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing then, once you get out of Hogwarts?"
"Well, I want to be an auror. But it's almost impossible for a girl to get a position, so I'll probably go into some form of basic law enforcement. Or do something with politics; I certainly wouldn't mind being Mistress of Magic one day. Just to prove a muggle-born can."
He grinned crookedly at her. "You've got some big dreams, Lily."
She rolled her eyes. "They're not that big. Besides, I just want to do something important. I want to be remembered." She sighed, twirling a lock of hair, "Doesn't everyone?"
"No," was James's soft reply.
Lily glanced at him, startled. "What do you want to do then?"
"I want to just make it out of Hogwarts," he replied softly. "Then I want to help people. People who are emotionally corrupt, y'know? Like the people who have been through torture, or just who have suffered so much that they can't hold on anymore." His voice fell softer, and she saw what looked like pain in his eyes, "I want a family."
For a moment, Lily halted completely. Here was James Potter, Marauder Extraordinaire, Hero of the Qudditch Team, declaring that he that all he wanted to do was help people. That he wanted a family. It was… strange, to think of him as someone so… sensitive. "Those are big dreams too, Potter," she whispered in reply.
He laughed coolly, as if helpless. "Believe me Lily, I know. Somehow, I doubt I'll get to any of them."
"James," she scolded softly, "don't be so pessimistic. For one, you're sure to get out of Hogwarts! Nothing is going to kill you while you're here!"
He smiled sadly, "Maybe."
"And," Lily continued in defiance to his sorrow, "I'm sure you'll be able to help. You… you're destined for greatness, Potter."
"But am I destined for happiness?" James asked softly, so softly that she decided to ignore his words.
"And a family… one day a girl will come along, and you'll fall in love with her, and you won't have a doubt about that one. It just takes time."
He opened his mouth, prepared to tell her that he was in love with a girl, and that that only made his case seem all the more hopeless. Instead, he stood silently for several endless seconds, and then turned and began to march down the hall. There was the softest whisper of words, and Lily wasn't sure if they were real or imagined, "I'm waiting." Then James looked over and offered her a simple shrug. "C'mon, Evans," he commanded. "We're patrolling, remember?"
Lily stared after him, a small scowl on her face. Why does he have to be so sad anyway? He's got everything any guy wants-except a girlfriend. But he could have practically any girl, so that's his own choice. What is he waiting for? Who is he waiting for? Her thoughts paused, and down the hall, James turned and beckoned to her.
Is he waiting for me?
~*~
Saturday found Remus ambling slowly towards the Whomping Willow. The school nurse tutted beside him, her lips pursed in a thin line. She had been like this since his first day, and Remus knew very well that Madame Bumble thought he was a hazard to the school.
Sighing, Remus stood by as she poked at the knot in the trunk of the tree, and he gazed forlornly up into its branches. He could remember being here the first time, when he was not but eleven. Then, the leaves had seemed so far above him, the Willow a protective guard around the monster inside.
Now, they felt like the bars of a jail cell.
Remus was thankful for the gift Dumbledore had given him when he had taken him into the school, but still, it was difficult. He was a hazard, a danger to his peers and to the villagers. If not for his friends, then he probably would have harmed someone by now.
He followed Madame Bumble as she entered the tunnel, her large girth completely blocking his view. It wasn't as if he didn't know the tunnel by heart anyway. Remus ran his fingers lightly against the dirt wall, half smiling as he followed the nurse, his back hunched to avoid the low ceiling. This, too, had once felt like something good. It had been the way to his comfort.
Now it was the bridge between humanity and a monster, a segregation of him and the world.
At last, they reached the trapdoor, and Remus climbed out behind Bumble. He threw himself down on a rather battered, crumbling sofa, tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling. He could feel Madame Bumble's disapproving glare upon him, but that was normal by now. She left shortly after, and he was left to pass the next hour until the moon rose.
Remus studied the ceiling, watching as the last tiny droplets of sunlight played over the dusty white overhead. The flickering lights enacted a small dance as he watched, and he sat in peaceful silence as they swept through their choreographed movement. He could remember longing for those droplets never to leave, because they were his last clutch on humanity. Now, their disappearance was expectant, and he sat tranquilly as the final specks faded, leaving him to his doom.
To his destiny.
Darkness settled like a forbidding cloak over the shack, and Remus stood slowly. He walked towards the window, a hole that had never been intended. It was a chunk of wall, ripped out in his third year when he had been in a particularly bad mood after a fight with James and Sirius. Now he leaned on the thick wood, gazing over the hill that rolled down into a thick forest. It was a lesser branch of the Forbidden Forest, and the first place they had explored as vibrant teenagers.
Now, the moon began a sluggish creep over the colossal gathering of timber, silver lights replacing those of the golden sun. A pale platinum washed over him, and he sighed reluctantly. Before, this bath of moonlight had frightened him.
Now, it was a window to a new world.
Finally, the last rays swept over his still form, and Remus let his eyelids fall. He knew what would come. The pain of a transformation, the agony and viciousness of the first long minutes before the Marauders could arrive. Then, things always became a little clearer; memories of runs, of howling with Padfoot, of racing with Prongs. He could remember the moon, and the stars, and the endless stretch of ruckus that he and his anamagi friends had plowed.
Now, he stood still. He let it come, like the whisper of wind upon a window. He knew what was to happen, and though he couldn't understand it, he was ready. Those first years had been the hardest, when it had made no sense, when the fear of becoming something he was not overwhelmed him.
But it was a part of him, it was who he was.
Needles lanced through his being, and Remus dropped to his knees. He could feel it burning, fire lacing through every inch of his skin. His form changed, and spread. Claws shot from his knuckles painfully, and his body ached as it was pulled into the awkward form of a changing werewolf. He bit down on his lip, the pain increasing there little by little as flat teeth turned to angled ones. But he knelt still, enduring, as he so often did.
It was agony, and it was endless. It was vicious, and so was he. It was terrible, and it was worse than any pain man could endure. Long ago, when it had first begun, he had loathed the angry, ferocious beast that he had become. It drove him to a hatred of the emotions he felt when alone with himself.
One thing had not changed over the years.
~*~
The weekend following was to be the first Hogsmeade weekend of the year. James, Lily, and Dumbledore had been in agreement that the students needed something to cheer them up. The weight of schoolwork, added to the tragedy of the summer, had made the first two weeks of school nearly unbearable. Any more than a third, and the struggle would be impossible.
James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter all found themselves strewn in the head common room that Wednesday. Lily had, reluctantly, agreed to let James bring up his minions, on the condition that he help her with a tricky bit of Transfiguration they had been working on lately. He had happily obliged.
She was seriously regretting her decision.
Even from her room, the boy's were noisy. It appeared that they were planning some atrocious prank on the Hufflepuff Qudditch Team, who they would be playing the weekend before Halloween. Apparently, they wanted it to be so grand that they needed to plan a month in advance.
Lily sighed, banging her head on the surface of her desk. She had thought, that with Lupin around, they might have been reasonably quiet. But it appeared that Remus was also in high spirits, as his voice was just a loud and boisterous as the rest.
Finally giving up on her battle with the most recent Potions assignment, she stalked into the common room. None of the four took any notice of her, and she glared at their scrambled positions. Sirius had thrown himself onto the sofa, his feet propped on the armrest and his arms folded behind his head. Remus sat on the floor, legs outstretched, leaning against the sofa. Peter was sitting cross-legged on the normally unused armchair, and James lounged in his favorite seat.
"James Potter," she snapped, "what the bloody hell are you doing that requires so much noise?"
He grinned sheepishly at her from his position across the room, and the other boy's fell silent, seemingly expectant of another Lily Evans blowup. "C'mon, Lily," he pleaded, "we're just having a bit of fun. Cut us some slack, will you?"
She glared, "I'm trying to work, Potter."
"You work too much," he shot back, standing and ambling over to her. "Come, join the fun." He took her arm, pulling her gently back towards his armchair. When Lily remained immobile, he sighed and cast a hand through his hair. "Please Lily? I promise not to-" he paused, trying to think if something fitting, and grinned lightly at her, "-I promise I'll leave my glasses where they go. You won't have to hunt for them again."
Lily's lips twitched, as finding James's glasses for him had become a part of her morning routine. He grinned in return to her hesitant smile, dragging her over to his armchair, which he promptly fell into. Immediately following, Lily found herself pulled onto his lap.
"You have some nerve, James," she muttered darkly.
His eyes were mischievous, "You know you love me for it."
Lily sighed and glared, but didn't move. His arm was draped casually around her waist, but she had no doubt that it would tighten, should she attempt to leave. Instead, Lily sat stiffly, while the other boys stared at the pair for a few moments before resuming their conversation.
Eventually, the conversation, of which Lily was not a participant, turned from pranks to the Hogsmeade trip that weekend.
"Who are you taking this week, Padfoot?" Peter asked casually, leaning back in his chair.
"Crystal Howling," came as Sirius's smooth reply.
Lily laughed. It wasn't a quiet giggle either, but a downright, boisterous, amused laugh. When the four stared at her, she waved a careless hand, slowing her breathing to a point where she could speak. "Like she'd go out with you, Sirius. She won't go out with anyone, much less you." She giggled, "It could be funny to watch though."
Sirius glared at her. "James, get your girl to shut up," he commented dryly.
At once, Lily's eyes hard narrowed and her hand flew automatically to her wand. "I am not-" James caught her wrist before it could reach her pocket, and she spun to glare at him. "Let me go!"
"He's just having a bit of fun Lily. Let it go," James spoke quietly, not loud enough for the watching trio to hear.
"I'm not your girl!" Lily cried fiercely, though her voice was just as soft.
Something flickered in his hazel eyes, something similar to what she'd see during their first patrol; that gentle, partly hidden pain of longing. "I know," he replied. "I know. But he's just being a prat because you told him he couldn't get his girl. It's that automatic reaction, to shoot insults in reply. Just let it go Lily, it's not a big deal."
She sighed, and muttered a few dark curses, but slowly her hand fell back to her lap and she turned to face the rest of the room. Sirius immediately spoke, giving them a wink. "Going to Hogsmeade together, are you?"
"No," Lily said. "I'm not going to Hogsmeade."
"Why not?" Remus asked, speaking up for the first time since she'd entered the conversation.
"I have some… some things. Things that I need to deal with soon, before they… get out of hand."
Remus raised a curious eyebrow, but James silenced him with a shake of his head behind Lily's back. Sirius soon disrupted the slightly awkward pause with a detailed description of just how he planned to get Crystal to attend Hogsmeade with him, accompanied by a few snickers from Lily.
Around midnight, the others finally left, taking James's invisibility cloak in order to ensure a safe trip. James waved as they left, then carefully shifted. Lily had, about an hour ago, draped her head on his shoulder, where it continued to rest. Running a hand tenderly through her hair, James whispered, "Lily?"
There was no reply, and James smiled softly as she slept. He stood with extreme caution, lifting her gently in his arms. A few minutes later they had entered her room, where he placed her carefully on the bed. Slowly, so as not to wake her, he removed her shoes, before wrapping her comfortably in the blankets. He brushed her hair softly away from her peaceful face, a tiny smile adorning his features as he watched her. Leaning down, James swept his lips over her cheek, before murmuring, "Goodnight, love."
~*~
Sirius stalked cat-like along the carriages, continuously popping his head inside of the doors. He was searching for a certain Crystal Howling; who he was absolutely positive would come. After all, she would need to replace all of those potions ingredients that he, er, didn't conveniently steal.
At last, he approached one of the final carriages, cheerfully swinging the door open. Crystal looked up from a list she had been reviewing, and sighed. "Why am I not surprised?" She glanced hopelessly towards the ceiling, before glaring as he swung up into the carriage.
"Go away and snog somewhere else, Black," she shot coldly.
He sighed, azure gaze sorrowful. "But Howling, I can't snog if my girl is in a separate compartment."
It took a second for her to register his comment, before her eyes narrowed dangerously. "No. Out. Now."
He sighed, drawing the door shut. "Sorry, but you're stuck with me. This was your idea anyway," he remarked flippantly.
"My idea?"
"Of course," Sirius grinned. "You're the one who told me I should help you find all those ingredients."
"But-I didn't-oh-grr!" She cried angrily, seconds before the carriage jolted into movement.
Sirius sat silently for the rest of the ride, watching her beneath half-lidded eyes. She was marking notes in the margins of her battered text, occasionally mouthing the words to a particular section. His eyes watched her lips as they formed each syllable, and their gaze was hungry.
When they finally reached Hogsmeade, Sirius decided to, for the moment, keep the act of a gentlemen. He leapt lightly from the carriage, offering her a hand, which Crystal refused. She stalked out onto the street, leaving him to trail behind her, while she scowled at his presence.
Offering a hopeful grin, Sirius asked, "Where to first?"
"Can't you just leave me alone?" Crystal sighed when he merely shook his head, and resigned herself to spending the day with Mr. Charming Grin himself.
Stuffing her list into her pocket, she set off at a quick pace towards Hogsmeade's apothecary, annoyed to find that his easy lope moved just as quickly as her swift march. He had his hands tucked into the pockets of his muggle jeans, sapphire orbs cast towards the sky. Crystal studied him as they walked, her eyes sweeping over the casually elegant stance, the easy grin, the light that sparked in his eyes. He was gorgeous, really.
It took all of her willpower not to stop dead in her tracks. I did not just think that. I did not just think that. Sirius Black is not in any way good-looking. He's a Gryffindor. A playing Gryffindor. A playing Gryffindor who has the most beautiful eyes… Argh!
She swept into the apothecary, tossing all thoughts of Black from her mind. Dozens of odd ingredients and mixtures crowded the room, releasing strange aromas and causing an almost freakish haze to sift over the shop. Crystal turned to face Sirius, finding him watching her with an almost lustful expression. She shuddered, though whether in disgust or delight she wasn't sure, and promptly handed him one half of the list.
"If you wanted to come so badly, you can work. Find those," she pointed to his list. "Buy them, and meet me back here."
"Er," he cast a wary glance over the list. "How much is this all going to cost? My… parents… aren't big on the 'support system' of money."
She sighed, shoving her hair bitterly behind one ear. "I know for a fact that the Black's are rich. Goodness knows your brother proclaims it enough to make the whole world sick."
"Yeah," he sighed, shifting his feet almost uncomfortably, as if he were nervous. Of course, the very idea was laughable. Sirius Black, nervous? Never. "Well, see, I… I don't exactly talk to them anymore. My brother and my family, that is."
Crystal blinked slowly trying to sort through a sudden bit of information. "What do you mean?"
"I ran away from home." He responded bluntly, though his gaze remained downcast. "This summer, I ran away. I lived with James for the summer."
"But… Why? They're prominent, and they're powerful, and they're rich, and… and they're pure-blood."
Sirius looked up, to meet a pair of bewildered chocolate eyes. He remembered, with abrupt surprise, that Crystal was muggle-born. As a muggle-born in Slytherin… It must have been difficult, to say the least. "Crystal," Sirius spoke slowly, as if actually thinking before he spoke. "It's not that easy. My family, well, you've seen Regulus. They're all that bad; a load of selfish, egotistical, lying, judgmental bastards. I couldn't handle it any more. Not when they were enemies of my friends. Not when they hated Moony, or cursed Evans, or wanted to cast out every muggle-born in the school. Not when they were evil. I couldn't stand it any more." He paused, then spat, "I hate them."
Slowly, and with hesitancy, Crystal reached to lay a gentle hand on his arm, meeting his gaze with compassion. "I'm sorry." She whispered, and he could read the sincerity in her eyes.
Smiling softly, he reached up one hand to clasp over hers, smiling a heart-warming, but rare smile at her. "Thank you."
~*~
Lily had settled herself beneath the large tree beside the lake, her back resting easily against it as her legs stretched before her. Closing her eyes, she began to hum a soft, sad song, as the wind playfully tossed her curtain of fire locks here and there. She was surprised when a presence could be felt settling beside her, ad Lily opened her eyes to identify the stranger.
James gave her a light, lop-sided grin that she returned hesitantly. "Hey."
"Hey," Lily responded.
"How are you holding up?" He asked, tone as gentle as the sweet look in his eyes.
"Alright, I suppose." She sighed, turning her eyes to face the lake. Beside her, James remained a solid, comforting figure, silent but radiating warmth of both the physical and emotional kind.
For a long time, Lily simply sat there in relaxed quiet, gazing upon the lake. Her eyes traced the path of the sunlight as it sprinkled over the water and the ripples caused by movement beneath the surface. Outwardly, the lake was as calm as a lizard in the sun, inwardly it was a beehive of activity.
Lily felt as if she could relate.
"James," Lily whispered, her delicate voice cracking their hushed moments.
"Hmm?" He replied, both still watching the lake.
"What's wrong with me?"
James turned to face her, eyebrows knit in puzzlement. "What do you mean?"
She sighed, letting her eyelids fall over the emerald that now glistened slightly with unshed tears. "What did I do wrong?" She asked helplessly, her voice trembling. "Everything was fine, and I was happy. Now I just feel like… I feel like my world, everything I know, is crumbling into a million pieces. I feel like my life has… shattered."
He paused, and Lily felt the weight of his arm settle around her shoulders like a barrier to the harshness of the world, protecting her while in its grasp. "I don't know Lily," he whispered. "I don't know why everything is going wrong. But… it'll get better. I promise, it'll get better."
She sighed and continued, her thoughts hazy and broken. "I just-I stopped seeing the point. Or maybe it's that I finally did see it, but it isn't worth it. I just… I don't understand. I don't know why I'm here, or what I'm supposed to do. I feel so insignificant… so useless."
The arm tightened around her, though not to a point of discomfort. "You're not useless."
"But I am!" Lily argued angrily back. "I know, if I died now, people would miss me. But… what if I had just never been born? What if I had never lived? It wouldn't have mattered."
"It would have mattered to me," James returned with conviction.
"How? C'mon James, what would really be different in your life? You'd have a girlfriend, probably-someone you could be happy with. You'd be happier, better off, if I weren't here. Just admit it James."
Lily stood irately, only to find James dragging her back down, gripping her in both friendly arms and the powerful gaze of his brilliant hazel eyes.
"No, I wouldn't. If you weren't here…" James shivered, and a flash of fear sped through those hypnotic features. "I don't even want to imagine that. If you weren't here… How would I live without seeing your smile?" He released one arm, using that hand to brush gently over her frowning lips. "Or seeing your beautiful eyes, so filled with passion?" The same hand drifted lazily across now closed eyelids that re-awoke when he continued speaking. "How would I have gone without hearing you bellow my name, or hex me into oblivion? Without you, Lily, I'd still be an insensitive prat, waltzing around the school. Without you, I wouldn't…" He paused, inhaling deeply. "I don't know if it matters. . . I don't know if it means anything to you. . . But without you, Lily Evans, I wouldn't be half of who I am today."