A/N: It took some time since I first uploaded the last chapter. If I remember rightly, it was about December 2 of 2005. And I got a bit of the blues and couldn't write well-enough which is the reason why this whole thing was again moving slowly like molasses. Anyway, my thanks to the wonderfully thoughtful readers who are kind enough to cheer me on with my fic. No thanks are enough for them.
The song near the bottom is Sarah McLachlan's "Do What You Have To Do"
And with that done, the show must go on…
Chapter 5
He finally kissed her.
An action driven by the most basic instinct. He found himself feeling as if he was at the edge of the earth and he was falling down, down, down. But he didn't care. Her lips were soft, silken and very fragile: a budding rose that seared his senses. It was almost sacrilegious to crush them against his own, but then again, he couldn't turn back.
Lily gasped at his sudden move. But as she opened of her mouth, he tasted her. And it drove him beyond his own control. Moving his body out of the way, he pinned her under him and started to trail kisses down the gentle slope of her neck before coming back to her lips once more; his dark tresses shockingly stark against her pallid complexion and his hand skimming under the covers for her soft, warm, yielding flesh.
It was the most natural thing for James to do. Lily crawled up to him and put her arms around him. It was only a very normal for a healthy young man to feel what he felt the moment her cheek touched the skin on his neck and her mouth to brush against his ear.
Desire.
He burnt for her. Burnt for her so much that it was inconceivable how come he was only able to bring his lips to hers and not forced her to lie down and-
Something warm slid down his cheek. Or was it really his cheek? Then, a sound: an almost inaudible cry from the girl.
Lily was crying.
Very abruptly, he pulled himself from her; his heart was hammering too fast and too loud and there was this all too physical pain in his groin. He had been waiting for a chance like this at the very first moment that he saw her.
He shouldn't. He must not do that. It would complicate things further.
Her emerald eyes, so wide and fathomless, were shining with silent tears, searching his face, his eyes. He stared back at them, airing an unsaid question. But he couldn't meet them for too long. She was too pure and innocent.
He could not endanger her life just because of his own wanting.
There was no need to extract himself from her arms since he had held them down when he changed their position. So, he lifted himself from her and sat, his back in front of her. But, even so, he could hear her small sobs that stabbed him.
Muttering he rose from the carpeted floor and tried to face her and brush off what had happened; holding his palms against face that was burning with shame and bare of the glasses that usually framed them.
He felt vulnerable, impulsive, uncontrollable. And he shouldn't be. An auror should never be those three things.
Yet, he wanted-he needed Lily so much that it frightened him.
……
The snow's furious drizzling had not ceased for a minute since Remus and Lily had their conversation by the fountain. Their tracks and their scent had dissipated because of the frozen air that enveloped everything.
A shadow approached the spot where the girl was a full day and a couple of minutes more before. Raising a fine-boned nose, the man took a whiff of the air and grinned a grin that seemed too studded with too many gleaming, razor-sharp teeth. With his heavy boots crunching in the newly-fallen snow, he muttered foully under his breath.
'That fucker of a Wormtail. If he wasn't in the lord's favor, I'd be ripping his head off.' He spat against the ice and mumbled again. 'Slimy motherfucker. A girl, eh?' He sniffed the air once more for confirmation. 'A fine, delicate woman.'
He took one step and a squelch came from under his foot. Picking whatever the cause of the sound was, the heavy-built man straightened up with a soiled but clearly feminine handkerchief. He took in its scent and turned his head in a manner of a dog sniffing for its food.
Slowly, the man took of his hood, looking around for signs of being watched before producing a well-worn wand. He leaned towards the fountain and traced an invisible path before tapping where the girl sat before thrice.
Finishing this, he straightened himself and Disapparated in the darkness.
……
Just beside him, Lily was shaking, both from the cold and fear.
The reason for fear? Fear for James? No! She had trusted James with almost everything. Then, what was that fear that held her back from him? She didn't know. But it had driven him away. If there would be another chance like that, she wasn't sure.
Her pulse returned to its normal beating but both the cold and the chest pain increased. Whether it was because of her fever or what had happened, the answer was blurred.
And the next thing she realized that she was being racked by coughs in violent spasms that she couldn't contain, her lungs contracting and expanding in an alarming pace that she was now gasping for breath. She did not even have enough air to call for James.
Her feverish mind raced, gathering what calm she had left and listen to her Healer instincts. But a gripping force held tighter and tighter with each passing moment her throat and the lack of oxygen was squeezing her very brain. Her own eyes had screwed shut in her agony.
She was only slightly conscious that James had carried her to the bedroom and tried as he could to counter whatever was attacking her. With his wand, he drew marks that left a burning trail at its wake. Only when this was finished that Lily stopped writhing and settled down on the twisted sheets of his bed.
'Please…James…' she started to speak, albeit with difficulty. But she fell unconscious before she could finish what she wanted to say.
……
Tap-taptaptap-tap
At the slight knocking at his door, James suddenly sat pole-straight on the beside chair as the nerve-racking silence was broken. But his initial reaction was assuaged when it dawned at him that the knocking did have a pattern.
Glancing at the now deeply-breathing Lily, he assured himself that she would be perfectly safe in his room. After this, he hurried outside the room and towards the front door.
'I'm glad you came.' He muttered gravely to an unseen being as he opened it and shut it just as quickly before locking it with his wand.
There was a faint rustle and then an invisibility cloak fell upon the feet of a woman with an astonishing features and body of a 40's pin-up girl complete with platinum blonde hair and sultry-sleepy blue eyes. But the stereotype character did not apply to Marlene McKinnon with her wand in one hand and a cold business stance that implicated that she was the exact opposite of what she looked like.
'Evans' here?' She asked in a clipped manner, apparently pissed off by something.
James almost winced at her tone but just rolled his eyes and nodded.
'You shouldn't have done that.' She snapped at him. 'Taking her carelessly under your wing without any precautions taken-'
'But, Marlene! I told you already that she's sick-'
'She's being cursed.' The older woman interjected. 'You know that as much as I do and bringing her into your flat won't make any difference than bringing her to her own place because you haven't even bothered to proof this place.' She stomped around the small living room as if looking for something. Not seeing what she wanted to see, she exclaimed 'You haven't even warded your sanctum!'
'I've sealed my bedroom where Lily is.' He objected heatedly. Seeing the woman stride to the bedroom, he almost violently grabbed the other auror's hand.
'I CAN PROTECT LILY!' James shouted at her before he even realized what he was doing, forgetting who he was talking to.
'Yes, you can but if and only if there would be a frontal assault and with a maximum of three attackers-no, make that two, since you'd be hindered with the idea of protecting the girl and not just your own neck!' She huffed noisily before letting her temper cool off, then stalked to where the kitchen was.
Messing his own hair, James mumbled his apology to his partner and breathed heavily. 'You and your brutal practicality.' He said, rubbing his weary eyes.
'You and your foolish romanticism.' She countered him and, fetching the pot of brewing coffee, poured the steaming liquid into their mugs. 'Imagine! You'd risk exposing your sanctum to a non-auror-'
'She's Lily.' He pointed out to her and reached out for his drink.
'-but she still is a non-auror-then you're beginning to talk like some love-sick pup even though the odds are obviously against you.' She ended with her finger pointing at him now.
'Blah, blah, blah.' James childishly stuck his tongue at her before flashing a tired smile.
Eyebrows quirking at the gesture, she said, 'Don't blah-blah me, boy. You know it's true.'
'Aha! She's pissed off.'
'Good of you to notice.' She set her mug down a bit too heavily to emphasize her mood. 'You're in hot water with the boss if he learns about this.'
'But he won't since you'd be helping me cover this up.'
Marlene sniffed high-handedly, 'Ha! Fat chance, boy.'
'Then, why did you come here?'
'BECAUSE,' she stressed at him, 'I wanted you to come down from your 7th Heaven and remind you of your mission.'
'Which is?' he frowned at the reminder.
'Get whatever available information from her.'
He messed his hair again irritably. 'I can't!'
Her blue eyes widened at the declaration and he knew that he should not have said those words. 'Oi! Listen, James.' She hissed at him. 'Don't let me hear you say "I can't" because you're not supposed to say those words. You can force her to say what you want to hear, you just don't want to because you're afraid she'll find out that you're using her.'
Moving closer to him, her ire was tangible enough to kill him. 'We are Aurors. We were trained to separate ourselves from the world other than our own. We do what we must: we kill, we lie, we fake passion and love and every emotion we can muster just to accomplish our responsibility which is our primary and only priority.'
'It was unfortunate for Lily Evans to be included in our business but we can't do anything about what is done. Now that she's a part of our world, she is not different from those who you have, and still will, manipulate in order for the greater good. Have you forgotten that?'
James strayed his gaze towards the direction of his bedroom before speaking. 'What must I do? Marlene, I don't want to lose her.' He said, his voice was defeated. He swilled the remaining contents of his coffee before drinking the whole thing. 'But what choices do I have?'
'Well… One is that you could keep her ignorant about everything until both of you die, which will happen sooner or later…'
James groaned aloud at hearing the pessimistic remark.
'Two, keep her but erase her memories and hide yourselves where the sun doesn't shine because even the Order will kill you for doing so. Or three, numb yourself from love, get every information from her, erase her memories and only then we can accept her in the infirmary as an invalid, finish this whole goddamned thing and weep then say bye-bye for you lost love.' She finished grandly.
'Ha ha.' He sardonically retorted.
'I am serious, James. If you still want to get out of this thing alive, do the third one. It's going to hurt her, it's going to hurt you but it's there's no other way to do it.' She explained, giving him a dark look.
'No other way, huh?' he muttered under his breath.
'Yup. No other way.' she parroted and finished her own coffee.
All of the sudden, the living room glowed green, as if a warning, and the woman darted from her chair, spilling in her haste the coffee pot. A voice called a few moments later from the oddly coloured fire. She muttered something about the department brashness with using the Floo network. 'Sheesh, if Dumbledore was here, he'd kill those guys.' She cursed under her breath.
'Marlene?' It was a woman's voice who beckoned.
'Dorcas! What the hell where you thinking about using the Floo network!' McKinnon exasperatedly cried.
'Don't be such a paranoid. I've checked the pathways already. McGonnagal wants to see you here, now.' The voice insisted.
'You never give me a moment's peace.' Marlene complained. Summoning her invisibility cloak, she prepared to step into the emerald flames.
'Wait, 'Lene!' James called after her as he twirled his wand in a cleaning spell on the mess. 'Tell me something. Are you hiding something from me?'
'I have no time for this.' She hissed at him.
'I want to know if you're thinking the way I do. Is Lily one of them? Tell me the truth! I cannot understand everyone in the Order-even you-is so suspicious towards her.' he demanded.
At this, Marlene looked back at him, who all of a sudden looked so confused and hurt. 'I wasn't supposed to say this to you… I'm sorry, James. You were supposed to find that out yourself. We cannot understand either.'
……
Brushing the stray snowflakes from his shabby coat, Sirius entered Nessie's Nest with a heavy sigh, thankful that the pub was snuggly warm inside.
The innkeeper stood behind the wooden counter, cleaning the last of the pints with a giant dishcloth. Seeing the young man stride to him shivering, he whisked a new pint of mulled wine in front of Sirius. 'Ere. Tha' should keep ye' warm enuf.'
Muttering his thanks, Sirius in wallowed the hot drink, eyes glittering with the fire from the hearth. 'Is it always this bloody cold in here? I swear it wasn't like this the last time I was here during winter.' He complained when he finally spoke up.
'Yer right. It's usually not this freezin', ye' know. I've been thinking tha' someone's been meddlin' in some things they shouldna' have been meddlin' in, if ye' get what I'm tryin' ta say .' The other agreed, with a sudden glance at the darkest corner of the room, where two well-dressed men huddled over pieces of paper and casting nervous glances once in a while to different directions, as if wary of something.
'Who are they?' asked Sirius, now suddenly aware of the funny movements of the pair.
'Certainly na' from 'ere. Didna' see 'em before. They've been 'ere for a couple of days or so. Funny thing is, tha's all they've been doin' since they arrived in here, mutterin' and sulkin'. An' they've been mutterin' about things like people an' stuff. An' I can tell coz' I've been servin' 'ere for my whole life an' I don' like how they act an' sound.'
The younger wizard looked at the speaker as the latter gave a suppressed shudder that shook his usually jovial jowls. But the fat inn keeper shrugged his well-rounded shoulders to his rosy face. 'Nah. Forget wha' I ju' said to ye'. It's jus' somethin' I've been thinkin' abou', ye' know.
Sirius shot his eyebrows upward and pretended to be nonchalant about what the man said and finished his wine. Deftly, he allowed the shiny surface of pint reflect on the direction of the two men.
They were staring at him too.
Pretending to yawn, he said his goodnight to the friendly innkeeper and paid for his drink, dinner and lodging for him and Remus alongside a generous tip too. Feigning a happy tiredness, he went for the room he and his friend shared just as a hunched figure entered the heavy doors of the pub.
Opening the door with his password, he entered the modest room. Inside, Remus was curled in a fetal position on one of the beds, breathing deeply.
'They know we're in here, mate.' Sirius spoke in the dark room.
'I know.' Remus answered, apparently fully awake even before the other came into the room. 'I can smell the burnt skin on them. Voldemort is calling to them. Dumbledore was right in his hunch. They're here. I was supposed to tell you that earlier but they were watching me too closely.'
'We should leave.' The other announced and quietly strode to where his bag was.
The werewolf rose cautiously and the moonlight from the window lit his face. It was wan and pinched, as if in pain.
'Remus-' Sirius began to say but noticed Lupin's look and hurried to his side. 'That shouldn't be. The full moon is a whole week away.'
'No. It's not the me.' He countered the other's worry. 'It's something else.'
Sirius shot him a frown, inquiring for details.
The glassy eyes of Remus went to the view outside. 'It's Lily. Something is about to happen to her. Or is happening to her.'
'Lily.' Sirius whispered half in surprise, half in bewilderment for how the young man could've known. 'What's happening to her?' he demanded.
'I don't know for sure.'
'But, Prongs is there to look after her, isn't he?' He asked aloud, as if to assure himself.
'I just hope so.' The pained werewolf shut his eyes, praying that the James watched over her.
……
It didn't matter even if she tried to focus her eyes on something. Now that she was awake, Lily's world was wobbling. Needless to say, she feared she may be delirious. No, make that she really is delirious. And she couldn't even remember a thing
A warm hand strayed to her face and traced it slowly.
'James?' she called out weakly, though her eyes were shut, as if to ward off the delirium that enveloped her being.
James heard her and drew nearer to her that his breath brushed against her. Bloody hell! She was like ice! Briskly, he rubbed her two hands together in his own after saying a quick warming charm.
'I'm here.' He reassured him and he was rewarded by the tiniest of smiles from the sick girl.
'I feel so cold.' Under his hands, Lily was trembling violently.
James eyes cast a glance to the fireplace, roaring in full blast, and the wards that he hung on all four bedposts. He attempted to rise from her side to check on the fire again when she moaned.
She managed to unscrew her eyes and fix them on the worried face of the young man. 'Please don't leave me alone.'
'I'd be back soon. I promise. I'm not going anywhere far.' He curved his lips to a slight smile for her but she only protested and her eyes were glittering oddly with fever and disquiet.
He hesitated for a moment, halfway to standing up, but he eased himself softly down to her side one more. 'All right, I won't go.'
'I'm scared, James.' She admitted with difficulty. 'They're watching me.'
They? Hiding the abrupt thought, he asked her but his voice betrayed him. 'Who?'
Under his fingers, her hands tensed with his question as Lily was seized with the memory that she should never tell anyone. And the girl hesitated.
What are you hiding from me? Sensing her anxiety, he tried to soothe her with the calmest tone he could muster that moment. 'It's fine, Lily. You can tell me.' When she was still unyielding, he bent and kissed her forehead.
'I…I…' She wanted to say no but a part of her did not want to.
'Lily…' His hazel eyes faced her own with a look that tried to reach out to her own soul. He was but a hair width away from hers; all of a sudden he felt at a loss and the fire that he felt before overwhelmed him again.
"What ravages of spirit conjured this tempestuous rage?"
He settled a kiss on her lips and tried as he could to be gentle with her, his hands he strained to stay holding her hands. Yet for a heartbeat, he suddenly stopped when Marlene's words echoed somewhere in his mind.
"Created you a monster, broken by the rules of love…"
"..we fake passion and love and every emotion we can muster just to accomplish our responsibility…"
"And fate has led you through it. You do what you have to do…"
Am I doing the same thing to her? James couldn't help himself but ask the same questions again in his mind, withdrawing himself and lean face to face on Lily, trying to weigh everything in an instant. Despite the frigid temperature of her fingers, her breath was feverish and mingled with his own.
'I don't know anymore what to do, Lily…' His defeated voice penetrated the fog that Lily's consciousness was wrapped in.
"And fate has led you through it. You do what you have to do..."
She peeked under her eyelids and saw his expression, as if in a great struggle, though she had no idea why he was like that. But, gently, she eased her fingers from his hold and smoothed the hair that had gone astray on his brow; looking at him, both confused and worried, and found out that he was in the same state of quandary. Her arms found their way around him and she held James as close to her heart as she could.
"And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go…"
At the circle of her embrace, he shut his eyes and his own voice in his head, neglecting everything but the fact that Lily was there.
"Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul."
"I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire…"
So as the girl would not be crushed under his weight, he cautiously changed their positions and so as they were lying at their sides. James threaded a hand through the silky, wine-coloured strands of her hair and nudged her nearer to him.
"The yearning to be near you. I do what I have to do…"
"The yearning to be near you. I do what I have to do…"
He could hear her breath deepening with every moment that has passed, marking the slipping of her wakefulness once more.
"But I have the sense to recognize"
"That I don't know how to let you go…"
"I don't know how to let you go…"
Odd how she was rapidly making improvement only a few moments after he lay by her side. He had to stand up, prepare food for both of them, do other things. As he eased her arms from him, his hand passed in one of his and she slid her fingers in between his before holding it tight.
Her voice, drowsy and muffled, came faintly. 'I trust you…'
"A glowing ember, burning hot, burning slow."
"Deep within, I'm shaken by the violence"
"Of existing for only you…"
He froze in his movements, unsure if he would believe what she said or dismiss it as a figment of his imagination.
Trust.
He bit his lip and reached for his wand as an invisible shard wormed inwards. Hell! How could she still trust him after all he had done to her? And what he will do to her still. His chest tightened unbearably as he aimed the rod at her.
"I know I can't be with you."
"I do what I have to do…"
'D-dormus.' His voice broke at the command and the girl's form went limp with the effects of the spell.
"And I have sense to recognize"
"But I don't know how to let you go…"
She was asleep now, diving in the darkness of a dreamless land, unaware of James-wand forgotten in his hand-crying in racked sobs.
"I don't know how to let you go…"
Again and again, he whispering for forgiveness to Lily who wouldn't even hear a word. He needed to protect her, if that was the last thing that he'd do before his own heartbreak killed him.
"I don't know how to let you go."
A/N: Suffer, James! Suffer!!!! ***evil laugh*** Hem, hem. Sorry about that. But don't you like to see male protagonists cry for a change? (James in the background: Why are you always picking on poor ol' me? ) (Author: Shut up, James or I'll make Lily leave you.) (James: *grumble* You're such a meanie!)
Aheem. Where was I? Oh , yes. If you still want this thing to go on, be good boys and girls and cheer up a lonely writer. All you have to do is press the Review key down there and the world would be …ahh…still go on. If you won't, then there would be no more 6th chapter! Hur hur hur!!! >.<