Author's Notes: This chapter is all in email, and yes, I do believe that someday Wizards will have their own version of email. I know it's a little different than usual, but it's still got my own special flavor to it, as always. I had a TON of fun writing this chapter, so I hope you like it.
Chapter Thirteen-- A Peck of Electronic Owls
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: theslytherinprince@ministry.gov
Subject: Why Are You in the Office?
Granger~
You're in the office. Why are you in the office today, Granger? You should be at home, snogging Potter. You did call him, didn't you? Tell me you called him, Granger.
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To:theslytherinprince@ministry.gov
From: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject:Re:Why Are You in the Office?
Malfoy--
Why am in the office? Why AM I IN THE OFFICE,HE ASKS?
Because I'm planning a sodding wedding.
I did call. He was with Hannah. I lied. I shall now die hopeless and alone. Have a nice lunch.
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: theslytherinprince@ministry.gov
Subject: Silly Putty
Silly putty, Granger. Remember the Silly Putty.
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To:theslytherinprince@ministry.gov
From: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: Shove Your Putty Where The Sun Don't Shine
Malfoy--
Do you remember that bloody Silly Putty comes in eggs? EGGS, Malfoy. Eggs are breakable. And I've got egg on my face for sure. So no more stupid metaphors, kay?
--Mione
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: theslytherinprince@ministry.gov
Subject: The Stick
Granger~
Try the stick. And those are PLASTIC eggs, dumbass.
~Draco
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To:theslytherinprince@ministry.gov
From: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: Re: The Stick
Malfoy--
Stick? What stick?
--Mione
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: theslytherinprince@ministry.gov
Subject: Stick Removal
Granger~
The one shoved up your arse. And why did you lie to him? What good did that do?
~Draco
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To:theslytherinprince@ministry.gov
From: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: I Hate You
Malfoy--
I hate you. And for your information, my lying saved our friendship. Good thing I think quick on my feet.
--Mione
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: theslytherinprince@ministry.gov
Subject: Ah, Good Thing You Explained That
Granger~
Ah, you see, it's a good thing you explained that, because I thought you were just being a bloody coward by lying to him. My mistake.
Your humble servant,
Draco Malfoy
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To:theslytherinprince@ministry.gov
From: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: Did I Mention...
That I Hate You????!!!!!!!!!!
Humble Servant my ass.
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: theslytherinprince@ministry.gov
Subject: There's No Need...
To bring Your Ass into this. It has enough problems of its own.
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: scarhead07@ministry.gov
Subject: Alright?
Mione,
Um, hope you're okay. It's been a whole day and I haven't heard from. Everything okay?
Harry
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To: scarhead07@ministry.gov
From:bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: Re: Alright?
Harry--
Everything is brilliant. I just found those lovely silk tents for your wedding.
--Mione
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: scarhead07@ministry.gov
Subject: Not Really What I Meant
Mione,
That isn't really what I meant. Are you still mad about what happened the other night?
Harry
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To: scarhead07@ministry.gov
From:bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: Re:Not Really What I Meant
Harry--
Nothing happened. I thought we discussed this?
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: scarhead07@ministry.gov
Subject: Um
Then why are you acting so weird?
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To: scarhead07@ministry.gov
From:bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: Speaking of Weird...
How do you feel about me booking the Weird Sisters for your reception?
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: scarhead07@ministry.gov
Subject: Now I know...
That you are being strange. Hermione, the Weird Sisters broke up five years ago. What is going on with you? Are you sick?
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To: scarhead07@ministry.org
From:bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: My Mistake
No, no, not ill. My mistake. I knew the Weird Sisters broke up.
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: scarhead07@ministry.gov
Subject: You sure?
Are you sure?
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To: scarhead07@ministry.gov
From:bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: Of course
OF COURSE I'm sure, Harry. I knew that. I really did. Now, did Hannah want me to get those special pearls, or was she going to wear her mother's after all?
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: scarhead07@ministry.gov
Subject: Pearls? PEARLS???
I'm trying to make sure our friendship is in tact and you want to just talk to me about PEARLS?
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To: scarhead07@ministry.gov
From:bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: Don't Be Silly
Don't be silly, Potter. I need to talk to you about table linens, too.
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: scarhead07@ministry.gov
Subject: Daft
Hermione Jane, you're being a DAFT COW. What is wrong with you????
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To: scarhead07@ministry.gov
From:bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: Re:Daft
Don't get testy, Potter. We can always talk about your tuxedo instead. Madam Malkin says you would look splendid in black with an emerald green tie.
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: scarhead07@ministry.gov
Subject: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
DAFT COW! DAFT COW! DAFT COW!!!!! Why are you doing this to me? Of all the fucked up, mental game playing stupid arse..............................
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To: scarhead07@ministry.gov
From:bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: Wow
Well, gee, Harry, if you're going to talk to women like that, I'm amazed that you found anyone to marry you. Watch your language.
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: scarhead07@ministry.gov
Subject: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!(Cont')
.....idiotic, annoying, unstable, worst liars in the world, Hermione! TELL ME WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON.
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To: scarhead07@ministry.gov
From:bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: I Already...
I already told you what was going on Harry. It was a joke. Ask Hannah if she wants champagne or wine at the reception. Or both. We could always do both.
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To: bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: scarhead07@ministry.gov
Subject: Both
Just do both. Just go ahead and do both. And while you're at it, if you see my best mate, the REAL Hermione Granger, and she wants to talk about whatever is bothering her, let me know.
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To:scarhead07@ministry.org
From: ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
Subject: Did You Really...
Call Hermione a Daft Cow? She sounded pretty upset on the phone to me. What is going on, mate?
Ron
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To:ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
From: scarhead07@ministry.org
Subject: I Did
Ron,
I did, I really did. But she's acting ridiculous. I just said that to get a rise out of her, but she didn't even blink.
Harry
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To:scarhead07@ministry.org
From: ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
Subject: Blinking
How can you tell if she blinked?
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To:ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
From: scarhead07@ministry.org
Subject: An Expression
It's just an expression, Ron. It means she acted like she didn't even care at all. Just kept talking about the wedding.
And what happened, mate, is that Mione and I almost kissed.
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To:scarhead07@ministry.org
From: ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
Subject: BLOODY HELL!
You waited through two emails to tell me that?? Harry, that's great. Why are you guys fighting?
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To:ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
From: scarhead07@ministry.org
Subject: Love
We're fighting because I'm in love with her and she SAID she was in love with me, but when I ran out to break up with Hannah, she called and said she was just joking.
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To:scarhead07@ministry.org
From: ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
Subject: BLOODY HELL! (Again)
Wait, wait, wait. She tells you she loves you and you run out? Please tell me you TOLD her you were going to break up with Hannah. Tell me, Harry.
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To:ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
From: scarhead07@ministry.org
Subject: Um...
Not exactly. Well, in truth...no. It doesn't matter, she doesn't love me. I'm going to marry Hannah and make the best of it.
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To:scarhead07@ministry.org
From: ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
Subject: No Way...
...am I going to let you marry that tart. She's a SPY, Harry. A REPORTER...Malfoy and I just found out, and we wanted you to make your own decision but....SHE'S A TROLLOP,MATE, YOU CAN'T MARRY HER!
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To:ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
From: scarhead07@ministry.org
Subject: Yes Way
Hannah already told me. She's quitting her job because she really loves me.
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To:scarhead07@ministry.org
From: ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
Subject: No She Doesn't
Hermione does though. She told me she loves you, Harry. She thinks you don't love her. Merlin, I'm dumber than either of you usually, but youguys are acting ridiculous. Just tell her how you feel.This is like a sodding circus.
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To:ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
From: scarhead07@ministry.org
Subject: Well...
If this is a circus, then bring on the liontamers. I AM NOT TELLING HER. I'll look like a prat and I'll probably lose her forever.
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To:scarhead07@ministry.org
From: ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
Subject: Idiot
Harry, you're being an idiot. Do the two of you think your friendship is so fragile that it won't withstand something so little as one of you being in love with the other? You're an arse, especially since you BOTH love each other.
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To:ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
From: scarhead07@ministry.org
Subject: What Am I Gonna DO?
This is hopeless.
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To:theslytherinprince@ministry.gov, ginevraweasley@thedailyprophet.com, nevillelongbottom @Herbologyrocks.org, loonylovegood@theQuibbler.com
From:ChudleyCannonsRule@QuidditchLeague.org
Subject: EMERGENCY
Guys, we gotta act fast. We need a brilliant plan, or Harry and Hermione are going to ruin their lives and annoy us to death in the process. Meet me tonight at Luna and Neville's flat at about 7. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Bring all your best ideas, some medical supplies, sedatives, and if need be, gunnysacks. If all else fails, we will drug them and lock them in a room together.
But I really don't want it to come to that. SO THINK OF A PLAN!
Ron
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To:bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
From: studpuppy@loveshack.com
Subject: Colin Firth's Arse
Colin Firth's arse is a piece of art, don't you think?
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To:studpuppy@loveshack.com
From:bookworm4primeminister@ministry.gov
Subject: Nice Try
Sod off, Malfoy.