Unofficial Portkey Archive

AN: I'm glad you all didn't despise the previous chapter and once again, thank you soooo much for the support. School has started for me and already I'm drowning in homework. This is insane. I'm sad to announce this but I sense that the updates are becoming weekly. Anyhoo, this is one of those transition chapters again from muggle world to wizarding world. Don't expect major, huge, revelations :P

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its characters belong to JKR

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
It's inevitable, it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
--Why Can't I?, Liz Phair




I was never a person to hold grudges. I believed in the whole "forgive and forget" routine when things could work out. Even Malfoy's voice spitting out the word Mudblood faded into distant memories and I slowly accepted that Malfoy would always be Malfoy and being angry at a sodding git was a waste of good energy that I could have used to revise for the N.E.W.Ts.

I remembered that my longest grudge had to be towards Ron. No surprises there, as we dated in our sixth year which naturally meant chaotic things. Poor Gryffindor House had to endure our constant arguments that seemed to increase in length and volume with each passing day. This one particular day, Ginny had been the source of our madness. Well, Ron's madness to be precise.

It was a Hogsmeade weekend and Ron had did what a boyfriend was suppose to do; ask me out on this particular weekend. Ron, Harry, and I had been sitting around in Gryffindor common room, lounging until noon to wait for the carriages to take us down. Of course, Harry not wanting to be the third wheel decided that he would do something about his blank piece of parchment (which was supposedly his potions assignment). We were just discussing the topic of what to get Seamus for his birthday present when Ginny came bounding down the stairs with a neutral expression on her face.

"What are we talking about?" She asked with interest as she plopped herself down beside me on one of the many squashy armchairs of Gryffindor common room.

"Seamus' birthday present," Ron answered while popping in a squirming chocolate frog into his mouth. He didn't seem to catch the sudden sag of Ginny's shoulders but I could tell Harry had noticed along with myself. I glanced at Harry questioningly but he merely shrugged with confusion.

I rolled my eyes, seeing that the boys weren't going to ask what was obviously wrong with the younger Gryffindor. Turning to look at Ginny, I asked, "What's wrong?"

Ginny stood up abruptly, shaking her head a little bit before biting on her lip. "Oh nothing," her voice hinted sarcasm that once again, I caught alone while the boys blinked at her. "Or maybe because it's my birthday today." She turned to stare hard at Ron before turning on her heels to storm out of the portrait hole without another word. I gaped at Ron, finding myself shaking my head in disbelief.

"You forgot your sister's birthday?"

Ron held up his hands in defense, still chewing hard on the chocolate frog. "I didn't mean to!" He managed to say and swallowed. "It's hard to remember all their birthdays when you've got so many siblings!"

I nodded slowly, not convinced. "That's wonderful Ron."

"Hey! I didn't forget your birthday!" He pointed out.

"That's not the point," I mumbled.

"Why are you getting so mad about this?" Ron frowned with frustration and turned towards Harry. "Don't you think she's overreacting mate? I mean, Ginny didn't look half as mad as this!"

Harry remained silent. I knew how much he hated it when he got stuck in between our arguments and had to side with one of us. I saw his discomfort and mirrored Ron's frown. "Stop bringing Harry into this--"

"Okay, okay! Well it's not like you remembered her birthday, now did you?" Ron shot back with a satisfied look on his face.

I gaped at him, "Am I her brother?!"

"Am I her very, very, good friend?!"

"Honestly! You're impossible!"

"I'm impossible?! You're--"

That day we had both blown our tops. I really wouldn't have gotten as mad as I did if Ron's attitude had been a bit more understanding. Ginny was his sister after all, he just wouldn't admit that forgetting her birthday wasn't really fulfilling his brotherly role. His immature behavior made me act solely on temper, and wasn't your girlfriend or boyfriend suppose to bring the best out of one another? That would never happen between Ron and I for we brought out the little devils in one another.

I didn't speak with Ron for four months. Maybe even more, and the occasional words we would exchange were "thanks for passing the potatoes" or something as irrelevant as that. I had never been so frustrated and angered by someone...

But then again, I hadn't spoken to him in four years. I guess that broke the record.

"So you're looking for Bellatrix Lestrange in a Chinese restaurant?" Ginny attempted to lighten the mood, her side-way glances at me becoming more frequent as I paled with each passing second.

Harry shook his head. I thought I wasn't looking at him. I guess I thought wrong. "No, I just saw you through the window...got lost in thought...never mind," he finished off awkwardly and glanced at the wristwatch on his wrist. "I better get going," he turned to nod his head slightly at me before turning to leave.

It wasn't really processing. The reality of it all didn't want to sink in, and when he turned to leave without another word I would've swore he had never been just a foot or two away from me. Maybe it had been a chimera, a figment of my imagination that Harry Potter had been in the same room as me, breathing the same air.

But my heart was pounding, my hands sweaty and clammy. This was definitely not a normal state I would normally be in, and deep inside I knew seeing him again was the only thing that would cause my nerves to explode in frenzy. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. There we go, breathing wasn't all that difficult. Heck, I'd be really out of my mind if I couldn't even supply my own body with oxygen.

"Hermione? Hermione!"

Inhale. Exhale. "Hmm?"

"Are you alright?" Ginny's concerned face hovered before me and I giggled. Giggled. Ginny stared. Suddenly, I couldn't control the alien force causing my body to rack with laughter. This of course increased my difficulty to breathe even more.

"So that was Harry," I somehow choked through my constricting throat. I waved a careless hand at Ginny when she was about to say something. "Wait, no, of course that was Harry! Doesn't he look alive and kicking!"

Ginny seemed confused. Hell, I, Hermione Granger, was damn confused. I felt so detached from myself that I hadn't even realized I was standing up on my own two feet, hands firmly on the white tablecloth as if all my weight depended on it. Exhale. Wait. Did I inhale yet? Was I choking on air? Air never felt so stale...my head felt light, my feet not really on solid ground.

"I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't think Harry of all people would be...here," her voice was strained and she looked so disheveled that I had to wonder how horrible I looked. "He's...not very into Chinese food," she finished off hopefully and her shoulders sagged when I did not seem the least bit enlightened by the fact. Of course I knew he wasn't into Chinese food...in fact he preferred Japanese food and...I slapped myself mentally. Get a grip.

I had finally managed to breathe again, and oddly I was feeling a surreal calm. It was kind of like an invisible cozy mist wrapping itself around me, willing me to stand strong and not run. Again. I tucked a strand of loose hair behind my ear before asking in a voice unfamiliar to my own ears, "So who's you-know-who the second? Thought he wasn't around more."

If Ginny could possibly pale even more, she did. She could have blended in quite nicely with the white tablecloth gripped under my hands. "Well," she began shakily with wide-eyes, "she's...not you-know-who! I mean," she looked away fretfully, "not the you-know-who..." she was mumbling now, waving her arms around as if emphasizing something and yet nothing all at the same time.

I nodded very slowly. "So I see..."

"You. Itreferstoyou."

Somehow, I never could understand Harry's abrupt blurs of words when he was overly anxious or nervous. I would always have to tell him to repeat himself, to tell him to calm down. Yet with Ginny speaking very quickly, I sadly understood and the cozy, warm mist that had surrounded me from harsh reality seemed to vanish into nothingness. I was vulnerable. Again. I couldn't breathe. Again. I wanted to run.

Again.

"Hermione, he just--"

Refers to me as you-know-who. As if I were the Dark Lord. How could they associate me so closely with something that had been used to label the darkest wizard ever known to the wizarding world? The thought made my stomach do flip-flops and I thought I could feel acidic bile burning at my throat. Ginny's voice went in one ear and out the other, never residing for more than a millisecond in my mind. Nothing mattered. Her explanations weren't needed. I understood. It was simple really.

He hated me so badly that I was his new demon. His Dark Lord. His Voldemort.

"I'll call you later, or something," I found myself saying and turned to leave. Maybe Ginny was calling after me, but it was just a shadow of noise bouncing off the walls of my muddled mind. I wrapped my arms around myself as I stepped out onto the streets, wondering why the sun's rays felt so cold that goose bumps were decorating my arm. I shivered.

And started wandering.

Up and down the streets I glided. Thinking. Did I really want to go back? Of course I did...I missed things in my old life that I could never find in this life. This...this place called New York. There was always something out of place, nothing really right. Everyday had been like a different story, as if I was playing somebody else's part. As if I were acting. I missed my parents and their sugarless gum and floss that you would find everywhere in the house. I missed the many places I had found so much happiness in. Hogwarts. Flourish and Blotts...I missed the sense of belonging I felt back at home.

Home.

I wasn't returning to England for the soul purpose of my private life. I just wanted the place where I would truly belong. I did belong there, didn't I? If I didn't, where did I belong? Nowhere? Did I have no place to go? No place to run to? A place to call home? But I did. And that was the place I had left four years ago.

Insecurity swept through me like a sudden wave. I would have shivered again if not for the styrofoam cup of hot cocoa suddenly in my hands. I looked up and saw the hazel eyes of Penelope smiling at me. "What are you up to now, Hope?"

"Walking," I replied and took a sip. "Shouldn't you be in class?"

"No, it's a Sunday," she replied and gave me a worried look.

I sighed, "...I think I'm going to be leaving, Penny."

"Leaving?" Penny echoed softly and I turned to look at her. Wondering if she would feel remorse, feel anything. Did we really have some sort of friendship? Did I believe in that connection between people anymore? Did I ever trust Penny? Trust...such a false thing. All these thoughts ran in my head until Penny smiled more to herself then to me.

"It's about time, Hope!" Her voice was slightly strained, her gaze never meeting mine as she glanced up at the bright sky. "You were never...happy here, you know? Sometimes I would wonder what was wrong...it wasn't like you had a horrid life or anything. Then I thought, maybe it was me. Maybe I was too bothersome with my waterworks and boy problems...but you never seemed to mind when you would lend me a shoulder to cry on," she nibbled on her bottom lip thoughtfully and I could see tears swimming in her eyes. Penny had never been a person to hide her feelings.

I felt a twinge in my heart. I felt something for this younger girl, I really did. But I didn't want to. "Penny..."

"Then a year went by, and you were always the same. Work was your top priority, making sure I didn't get myself into another big mess your second. But sometimes I would realize how little I knew about you...how unhappy you were. I still don't know why, but I think maybe it's just you," she finally looked at me and she blinked a few times. "Maybe there's something you haven't let go yet. Maybe there's something I don't know, and for once I won't ask," she grinned. "But wherever you're going, I just hope you'll actually be happy."

I didn't know why I felt a sudden swell of pride for the girl before me. The girl who cried rivers, the girl who couldn't flip pancakes, the girl who asked me so many personal questions to a point that it was sometimes annoying. But here she was, understanding why I had to leave, stating things I never really knew myself. Happy. Happy hadn't been in my dictionary for a while-- and I never noticed. I never took an effort to be happy. There was no need. I just wanted to get by my days...move on, but I guess it hadn't worked.

"You'll take care of yourself, won't you?" I asked, and was surprised to feel my eyes water.

She nodded, placing her hands on her hips and puffing out her chest. "I'm a strong kiddo, Hope! Besides," she let her hands drop to her sides, "you're the one that needs to take care. Don't think about how happy you were yesterday, the day before that, or years ago. Think about how you'll make yourself happy tomorrow, the day after that, years later," she trailed off and blushed. "Ooooh I'm just blabbing on..."

I let a smile lit my face and I hugged the girl. She seemed startled, but returned the gesture enthusiastically.

"So where are you going?"

I had called Ginny, asking her when she wanted to leave. We had come to some unspoken understanding that we wouldn't bring up his sudden appearance back at Spring Fortune. She told me that we could leave tomorrow morning, going by Floo Network from the fireplace in my apartment. She would set up a connection and if all went well, we would end up in Diagon Alley.

Of course, I was a bit apprehensive about traveling by Floo from the Americas all the way across the Atlantic, but Ginny didn't seem the least bit worried and I guessed that she had traveled here by the same way and she hadn't lost a finger or two.

I sat myself at my neat desk, a blank piece of scented letter paper in front of me. We would be leaving at six in the morning, and Penny was definitely not going to be awake at that time. I decided a note would be sufficient enough, telling her I would write and leaving her a couple breakfast recipes just in case she got sick of plain old pancakes. I told her not to take relationships too seriously...and I added just as an afterthought that I hoped she would find her happy fairytale ending.

I placed my ballpoint pen on my desk and spun around on my chair. Looking around my room, I didn't know what to pack. Did I even need to pack? I shook my head. Of course I did. But nothing seemed to stand out, screaming, "Pack me! Pack me!". I decided to open my closet first, throwing out my one and only suitcase and folding in some Muggle clothing. I paused, looking over my shoulder for no reason at all before loosening the floorboard in the far corner of my closet. Dust caused me to sneeze and I impatiently waved at the air before me.

I didn't know why I felt a sudden feeling of foreboding. My hand over the loose floorboard, I suddenly realized I was connecting myself with that world again. I had felt that everything having to do with magic would somehow betray me. I wondered now, if I would flip over the floorboard and something would explode in my face. I sucked in a deep breath, and turned it over.

Nothing happened.

The smooth shine of my wand glinted back at me and I felt myself reaching out to it lovingly. I grasped it in my fingers, feeling four years of longing wash away. So many memories...my grip tightened as I tossed out two robes while quickly dusting off a few cat hairs and a few spell books, remembering to grab a few vials of the appearance alteration potion. At the very bottom were various presents from... them. Oddly, I took them each out, dusted them off, and placed them carefully in the suitcase. When I came upon a bottle of perfume, I laughed and shook my head. Ron and his strange present choices...

My hand fell upon a thin chain, and I cringed. I knew what it was. How could I forget the last thing he had ever given me out of love? I withdrew my hand from underneath and pulled out a necklace. It was enchanted. And when you opened the heart-shaped locket a beautiful melody would come from it. It was a hauntingly beautiful sound...I had asked him where he got the tune from.

He said it was a lullaby his mother sang to him. He wasn't sure if it was in reality, or just the lullaby that he would hear in his dreams.

It didn't matter; the necklace had always been something I held dearly to my heart. But four years ago I had cast it aside just like any other memory of the wizarding world.

Now, four years later, I tentatively ran my fingers over the locket's smooth silver surface, and pried it open. I had the idea that the charm or whatever spell he had used would have worn off now. But it hadn't. And that same, soothing melody trickled into my ears, filling myself with the song that had represented our undying love, our promises.

6:00AM. I sat up groggily, hitting my alarm clock forcefully while swinging my feet over the edge of my bed. I hadn't slept well at all. In fact, I had fallen asleep an hour ago only to be woken up by the annoyingly loud beeping of a plastic covered clock. I silently hoped Penny hadn't been woken, but she was a deep sleeper and I knew she could sleep through a hurricane if she wanted to.

I dressed quietly, feeling the smooth fabric of my black robes as I slipped them on over a light blue T-shirt and jeans. I placed my wand carefully in my pocket, feeling an odd sense of déjà vu with the comforting weight of it there. I took the letter I had written for Penny, pulling my luggage behind me to enter the living room only to see Ginny sitting on the couch waiting.

I managed to stifle a cry of alarm while Ginny grinned, standing up in her own robes of deep maroon. She had a small velvet pouch in one hand, containing floo powder no doubt.

"Ready?" she whispered.

I nodded and she untied the pouch, taking a pinch of powder in her hands. "I'll go first, just in case you...erm, can't remember the process."

I didn't want to tell her I would never forget and sound rude, so instead I merely nodded and watched as Ginny stepped into the fireplace hunched over. She was gone in a burst of green flames as she stated rather loudly our destination. I glanced at the pouch of floo powder she had left on the ground and took a deep breath. Here I was, going back to a place I was suppose to hate and detest yet secretly love and yearn for.

Lugging my suitcase behind me, I stepped into the fireplace and threw the floo powder in, just as a familiar figure came out of her room with not the least bit of surprise on her face, seeing me in a fireplace dressed in something that looked like a Halloween costume of some sort. Green flames erupted around me, and her calm expression never left her face.

I wondered if Penny was sleepwalking.

I didn't have time to ponder as I quickly stated, "Diagon Alley."

But I heard Penny call out a few words, and I knew she was not sleepwalking and probably just not fully awake yet too comprehend the strangeness of someone being in a fireplace with flickering green flames.

I was swept off my feet with her words lingering in my ears.

"To happy days, Hope."

AN: Goodness, sorry for the awfully short chapter, but I promise Ch.6 will be longer. Much longer. I wanted to cut off this chapter before they reached the wizarding world so I could focus on that portion of the fic in Ch.6. And if you're real smart and observant, this chapter might have turned on the light switch to one question. *erk I think I just gave out too much, but at least hopefully later on you won't bite my head off* Hope you enjoyed this chapter and reviews are loved! Oh, and how's the font size (I've had a couple people groan about the small font)?