Unofficial Portkey Archive

AN: Dun Dun Dun! And the first H/Hr scene (somewhat) in the story. Of course, it doesn't get very far due to the situations present in the story. Anyway, I first must apologize for my slow updates due to school and extra activities tying me down. I swear I have never been so busy in my life, and yes, how busy can a little 15-year-old girl get you may ask. But somehow, I haven't even found time to un-dust the keyboard and mouse of my computer. That is saying something. Anyway, thank you so much for the wonderful reviews regarding the previous chapter and when I finally found time to get online again, it made me smile- a long overdue smile.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its characters belong to JKR

At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away

--Everytime, Britney Spears


The door shut behind me, my fingers numbly locking the door. What else could I do? I couldn't leave the door open and wait for the numerous flies to buzz in. But then again, that idea sounded appealing as I wouldn't be left alone in a big, empty, suddenly eerie house with him . I shut my eyes, the lack of sleep finally catching up to me as I stifled a yawn. I had been awake for eighteen hours and the guestroom bed was calling out to me as I took a breath and stretched out my arms.

Maybe I could just avoid him while he did whatever he was doing in the house. After all, he was Ginny's husband. The thought made something inside of me twinge. I didn't know what to call this feeling and all I knew was that I wanted it to go away. It made me feel vulnerable, it made me feel weak, and I quickly dismissed the odd falling feeling of my insides squirming. But if they were married, how come they didn't live in the same house? Or maybe I just hadn't explored enough to find any of his possessions amongst the many feminine things visible in the hallway and living room.

A loud crash brought me jumping out of my skin. My eyes darted frantically from the front door to the dark depths of the house. Suddenly, an innocent house seemed foreboding and I had to brace myself as I stepped further in, turning around the corner and into the kitchen to see him nearly sprawled right on the dining table. I bit my lip, trying to calm my racing heart as I crept over and bent down, intent on cleaning up the knocked over fruit bowl and only that. Afterwards, I would leave and he could go walk into a wall and I would try to find Ginny. Fast.

But my plan did not get any further than putting the banana back into the purple glass bowl, because he had somehow managed to get himself off the table and was heading off again. My brow furrowed and I picked up the pace of putting fruit in bowl, placing it forcefully on the glass table to hurry onto his next destination before he broke something- permanently.

"Four...four..."

I found him at the top of the stairs, mumbling to himself, running a hand absentmindedly through his wild hair which exposed his scar briefly. Painful memories flashed through my mind, but I didn't have time for stupid, worthless memories. Fingers tracing his scar, feather-like kisses, whispered promises, sweet fantasies of pure bliss...I shook my head ruefully, ashamed that I could still remember such things that were all pitiful lies. Maybe they had all been illusions I created up for myself, maybe he never did say those three sacred words, maybe he never touched my hair like he was stroking fine silk. All illusions.

"Hermione, why?"

And then he was off down the hallway again.

I discarded my thoughts, hoping I could turn the key and lock them firmly in the deepest corners of my brain. I headed up the stairs, determined to be Hope, Ginny's overseas friend, and nothing but Hope. I looked from left to right, not seeing him in the dimly lighted hallway. This wasn't a good sign. It meant he was probably in one of the rooms.

My lips parted to call out to him, but nothing came out. I couldn't call out to him. I didn't know why, but my throat had gone dry. It was like calling his name would be calling him back to me. I didn't want him back. He could stay in his happy, perfect life with his beautiful wife. It meant nothing to me anyway.

My feet carried me away from the top of the stairs, off towards the end of the hallway and past the snoozing portraits of various famous Quidditch players. One of them was muttering rather loudly about bloody Snitches and I was momentarily caught up in another wave of memories. The way my heart would die every time he flew. The times he would go into a dive and I would be sure this was the dive that would kill him. But he never did die. He always came up, grinning, holding the tiniest ball on the Quidditch pitch triumphantly...

I found myself in my room. Well, the room Ginny had prepared for me. I looked up and had to groan in disbelief.

"Hermione?" He mumbled like an innocent, lost child on the edge of my bed. He had his head in his hands, shaking it now and then, and I couldn't help but approach with a softer heart, the former frown of agitation on my face gone and replaced with a neutral expression. I couldn't have soft feelings. This was the man that stabbed the knife in my heart. This was the man that left me with illusions.

I crouched down slowly, trying to get a good look at his face which he was doing a good job at hiding. Yet suddenly, his hand shot out and grabbed my wrist. It was such a tight hold that I gasped, wanting to pull away but I was stuck. I couldn't move. Had he placed a charm upon me to make me immobile? Or was I simply dazed at the sudden green orbs piercing into my soul...reading my thoughts, my fears, my doubts. Could he see it all?

"You..."

I watched him, fearfully. I was being stupid. Of course he couldn't see into me. He was damn drunk and it would be surprising if he knew what one plus one was. But still, the atmosphere was tense and I was hung on apprehension. He said something, but nothing came out of his mouth. His eyes narrowed and he repeated, "You..."

"Yes...?" I found myself asking breathlessly, my mouth moving on its own in a voice that was so different to my ears.

"You..." he knitted his brow, as if he couldn't remember something. His grip tightened, but I couldn't feel a thing. I had gone numb long ago. "Killed."

"No. I didn't," it came out before I could stop it. It rushed out like a crashing wave, breaking all barriers. He wasn't going to accuse me. He didn't have the right. "I didn't. Do you understand? I didn't kill him--"

"Me," he gasped and let go of my wrist, a ring of red encircling where his grasp had once been. But I didn't care. He was pulling at his hair now, and I knew he was going through some sort of a horrible headache. He leaned back and groaned, landing on the bed in defeat. I felt myself trembling as I found myself going towards him, his scent still as unique as ever. One hand reached out towards him, the other wanting to pull it back. Neither listened to my screaming head, and I found myself brushing back the hair in his eyes, revealing his scar as visible as ever against his pale and clammy skin.

"Pardon?" My voice trembled.

"You killed me," he said so clearly that for a moment I thought he wasn't drunk. That it had been an act and he was wide awake, seeing me as me, with my ever so bushy hair and plain features. But when he sat up groggily, leaning over to vomit all over the carpet, I knew it had only been a moment of clarity. Just one moment, when he knew what to say.

To say I killed him.

I shook my head, something was stinging at my eyes. Something was rolling down my cheeks, something foreign, something that tasted salty at the tip of my tongue. I reached out to him as he coughed. I automatically reached for my wand on the night table and conjured up a glass of water. Everything was a blur through my eyes and I wasn't quite sure why.

"Water," I managed to say, holding the glass to him.

He didn't seem to get it; he just shook his head, leaning against the backboard of the bed. I sat myself nearby, placing the cool rim of the glass on his slightly swollen lips. I tilted my head, watching him like a stranger as he took the glass and downed the liquid in one swallow. He paused, staring down at the cup and suddenly, his eyes flashed and he threw it against the wall.

It shattered.

I jumped in surprise.

"Why?" He muttered loudly, his shirt a mess and his eyes so bleary. "Why'd-you-do-it." He looked up, pointed a finger at me, and let his arm drop to his side again.

I was only recovering from the sudden noise of shattering glass and his words made no sense to me. I was scared. I didn't know what to do. I could only pray that Ginny would come home soon. "Do what?" I whispered hoarsely and flicked my wand carelessly at the carpet, muttering Scourgify .

"Leave," he said simply, his eyes widening in a way that made him look very much awake again. "You left. Me. You killed. Me. Why? Did I do something wrong? Did I not love you enough? Did I not bring you the warmth that I should have?" He rambled on, his eyes focusing on me, all the while shaking his head as if he couldn't believe something. "I could have found you, I could have. I have the power," he threw an arm up in the air as if lightning and thunder would crash down upon us if he did so. "I could have sent...sent Hedwig, she'd find you. Find you...but I didn't want it. I could. But I didn't. I could...but I didn't..."

"Why?" I asked shakily. "You hate me," the words were flowing out of me without control. I wanted to know so many things, I had so many questions.

"...I don't know," he mumbled the three words in a slur. "Strange...just couldn't," he declared as his head lolled to one side, "unlike her." He had suddenly switched to calling me in third person, but I didn't really catch that. "Bloody killed him...saw her do it...looked over at me when she did it...never forget that look--"

"But I didn't," I whispered fiercely, but I knew it was no use. I could have screamed at the wall.

He continued as if I hadn't interrupted, "She was so beautiful," his eyes widened abruptly, then drooped slightly again. "Pink...really light pink robes...beautiful," his held tilted towards me and I forgot about him being drunk as he reached out to me, one hand caressing my cheek, shivers racking my spine, breathing becoming unnecessary. Then as fast as it had happened, his had recoiled and his head lolled away again.

I sucked in a shaky breath, running a hand through my bushy hair and realized I was drenched in my own cold sweat. My feet wobbled as I stood up, stepping into the adjoining bathroom to grab a few towels. I couldn't remember how I found them or where I got a spare overly large T-shirt, but they were in my hands when I sat down in front of him again, looking at his face that was peaceful. He was asleep. No worry in his eyes. No fury. No sadness. Nothing. I think I liked it better this way. Him sleeping silently and me watching just as quietly.

Was this a dream? If it was, maybe it was better this way. In a fantasy world where we could fix things...but I didn't want to fix things. Why should I fix things? He was the one that didn't believe in me. I clutched at the towels, my knuckles turning a ghastly white. But if this were a dream, it would be okay, right? I could lie to myself here and pretend that everything was okay. That all those hateful words he had said in the newspapers weren't real. That those beautiful emerald gems hadn't stared at me with utter hatred. That I wasn't alone.

I reached out, the darkness of the night surrounding us like a shroud, hiding us from prying eyes. No one could see us here. No one could ruin anything now. We were in our dream. Just him and I. Nothing could touch us. Not even the angels or the demons that were after us. I gently dabbed the towel on his pale, handsome face. Sleep, I thought dazedly. Everything will be okay...

My fingers danced around the buttons of his blouse, clinging onto his sweat coated body. I worked mechanically, efficiently. Only once did my hands pause, hovering above his lean chest, rising and falling gently with each breath. I was tempted to lean forward. To hear his heart beating next to me, echoing endlessly in my ear. But something held me back. I couldn't tell what it was. Maybe it was something warning me that if I came too close to him, I would wake up from this dream and never visit it again.

It frightened me and instead I hurried to help him slip on the T-shirt. He groaned, turning over and grasping my hands in his. A small smile fell across his face, and forgetting who it was, I thought it was the most beautiful thing on earth. I was transfixed, mesmerized by the innocent and childish look upon his features. He pulled my hands towards his cheek. He was mumbling in his sleep, his grip slowly going loose as he truly fell into the land of dreams.

"Someday," I heard him mumble. "Someday...we'll hold hands...and fall together..."

When the sun rose and shone through the many windows of the house, lighting up dusty corners and hidden nooks, I squinted and tried to turn away from the invading light. Yet wherever I turned, the sun seemed to find me and I could not hide. Reluctantly I opened my eyes, blurred from sleep and tears. The soreness of my bottom and the numbness I felt on one arm made me miserable, and I had to wonder why on earth I had fallen asleep outside of my room against the door.

My back screamed for something soft and wonderful like a bed. I got up, stretching out my back and arms, trying to get some circulation running. I had the oddest dream last night, the most surreal dream that I knew would never happen in reality whether it be a thousand years or a lifetime. I shook my head, grinning at my own idiocy of dreaming about him. And a happy dream at that. Well, a somewhat happy dream. In fact, it was rather a confusing dream...but it was a much better one then the one of him staring at me with those cold eyes, pointing a finger at me, and screaming 'Get her'.

I yawned and opened the door to my room only to catch myself gaping at the body tangled up in bed sheets on my bed. I instantly jumped out of the room, nearly slamming the door behind me but catching myself just before it clicked shut. I was abruptly awake, as if I had been awake for the past few hours.

"What on earth," I muttered out loud and opened the door again, peeking in. I groaned and shut it once more. "Oh god," I shook my head in disbelief, pacing in the hallway and wondering what on earth had gone on. So it hadn't been a dream? I had really...really watched until he fell asleep? I had really felt those emotions of longing, pain, and sadness? It wasn't a silly dream?

"This is great Hermione, great," I scolded myself fiercely, wanting so much to run into the opposite wall and wake myself up for good. What had I been thinking, being so close to him? What if he wasn't drunk? What if he was acting? The same old deal...the portrait of Maria Falda grinned down at me from her perch next to a pot of lilies. "So how was it dear?" She waggled her eyebrows.

I groaned loudly, throwing my arms up in utter astonishment at my own actions. I had been so careful before. I had tread everywhere so cautiously and yet while he was in the same room as I, I seemed to have lost all control. I took a deep breath and crossed my arms tightly in front of my chest. It could have been worst, I piped hopefully to myself. I could have jumped into that darn bed with him and then things would have gotten real bad, I nodded, convincing myself.

I took another deep breath and opened the door to my bedroom, tearing my eyes away from the still sleeping Harry. He's sleeping in your bedroom! A voice sang loudly in my muddled mind. Shut up! I hollered mentally and opened my closet, pushing aside folded shorts to reach for my hidden vials of appearance potion. I glanced at the mirror briefly, taking in my normal appearance of brown eyes and bushy hair with slightly smaller lips. As I shut the closet behind me, I could not help but look over my shoulder and wonder.

What if I took this dream one step further? What if I waited until he woke up, crystal clear about his surroundings, and sat in front of him- as me. Just plain old me. I gaped at my reflection in the mirror, staring in horror at the thought that had just run through my head. What was I thinking? This was Harry Potter! I sighed and stomped hard on old desires, taking the contents of the vial and tipping it into my mouth. It was funny how goals and thoughts could change so drastically when he was present, in flesh, just a few feet away.

I laughed softly- hollowly, watching as my appearance changed from bushy to sleek, from brown to clear blue. Fantasies were for children naive enough to believe. Me, being someone who had experienced what I had, should know that fantasies were rubbish and that you could depend on nobody but yourself. Harry Potter had been one of those fantasies. So wonderful to believe in, so magical and surreal that when I fell, I fell hard.

"Where am I?"

The voice took me out of my thoughts and back towards him. He was sitting up slowly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he shook his head once. He hissed, clutching at his head. "Damn, what the hell is going on?"

I was about to lecture him on not drinking so much when I realized it was not my place to. I was Hope, a stranger to him. I plastered a fake smile on my face and hopped towards him. "Hi," I began in a very cheerful morning voice. "I'm Hope."

He squinted at me, rubbing his forehead occasionally before soaking in the appearance of the room. "Hope?"

"Yes," I nodded slowly, thinking fast. "Ginny's friend."

He didn't seem to bother listening though as he got up quickly, then briefly looked down at the baggy forest green T-shirt that he was wearing. "Isn't this mine?" He asked out loud.

I blinked, "I wouldn't know...I think I found it...somewhere," I waved a hand towards the bathroom and inwardly laughed. Of course his clothing would be at Ginny's house. Why was I so surprised?

"Explain," he stated without a hint of any emotion.

I had to stare, something along the emotion of anger wanting to escape. "What?"

"Explain," he repeated, noticeably frustrated. "I don't normally sleep in a foreign room and wake up in foreign surroundings."

"Okay, okay," I stepped back instinctively as if he would jump on me any second. I couldn't erase the frown that had graced my lips though, yet half of me was relieved he didn't remember anything whatsoever. "You were drunk--"

"No I wasn't," he muttered and he looked away, suddenly in deep thought. "Took the floo network...arrived late...did a few things..."

"You were drunk," I repeated firmly, taking a breath to calm myself, "and came to Ginny's house calling for...Ginny," I caught myself but he eyed me suspiciously. "And well, Ginny wasn't home and you ended up teetering your way into this bedroom," I decided to leave out the fact that this was my room. "Then you just slept like a rock!" I grinned so widely that it hurt my face to be so screwed up in fake joy. I hated this.

He stared at me doubtfully, his eyes so piercing. It was as if he were examining me to see if I was lying. I realized I hadn't explained how his blouse morphed into the T-shirt, but how was I suppose to explain that? I fidgeted nervously on the spot until his eyes left me to travel towards the door. I followed his gaze...

"Ginny," Harry called, but Ginny had an unreadable expression on her face as she spun around on her heels from her position by the open door. The thudding of her footsteps going downstairs rang throughout the house and I suddenly felt numb again. I felt Harry run by me, a brief blow of wind, and he was out the door. Running after her.

I found myself following after their footsteps like a lost puppy, looking for its owner. I found myself clutching my hands together as I heard their voices ringing from the den just a few meters away.

"Look Gin, I woke up--"

"Why are you explaining?" Ginny's strained voice questioned while she laughed briefly. "You don't need to explain Harry."

"But you seem to have misunderstood--"

"You never seem to care about how I feel anyway, do you?" She snapped and I heard the rustling of paper. "What makes this any different? In fact, I'm rather surprised you're not gone yet."

"...You're not making sense--"

"Oh you know what I'm talking about," Ginny muttered in a raised voice. "Always running off and coming again, running off, and coming again. You never stay for more then a few minutes. You never ask me how I feel about this-this fucked up relationship we're in. You're never here anyway and you know what? I really don't care!"

"Fine! If you don't care then why are you all worked up about nothing?!"

"I just want you to know that what you're doing is not okay!" Ginny shouted back. "I haven't said anything about your behavior, but it doesn't mean it's right. You're always treating people like garbage nowadays, even your close friends. Ron, remember who he is? Neville? We're human you know--"

"Why are we discussing this?" Harry shot back defiantly.

"Because this is enough Harry," Ginny's voice had lowered, now just a feeble sound I could barely make out. "I'm not saying this for my own selfish reasons. I just want you to be a better person, Harry. You have to stop acting so inhuman or else you're going to push everyone away--"

"So what? It's my life isn't it? I can go jump off a bridge if I want to and it'd be none of your business!"

"There you go again! It's never anyone's business! Haven't you ever thought that we care about you!?"

"Care about me? Ha, there's a laugh! Who believes in caring about each other? All that shit doesn't exist Ginny. It's just a facade, a little act that human beings like to create and think up. I'm through with caring, and loving, and my goddamn head is killing me!"

"Blame yourself and your careless drinking!"

"I can do what I want you know--"

"You're being immature, childish, and impossible. I've had enough of this conversation--"

"You were the one that started it," came his stubborn tone laced with anger.

"Yes, and I guess I was hoping for too much to think maybe you'd actually talk to me. And I know Hope and you have nothing going on, but then again, why should I care? It's your life isn't it?"

Silence. I waited in stalk silence, I couldn't move. Suddenly, Harry was storming out of the den, his eyes never reaching me as he tore open the front door and walked out of the house without another word to Ginny. What was I suppose to do now? I didn't have to decide though as Ginny had left the den and was looking at me worriedly, a weak smile on her face.

"See? He's a mess."

I could only nod while Ginny glanced at the still open front door with a sigh. "Sorry I came home this late. I actually just got back thirty minutes ago," she looked awfully tired, with black eye bags and pale lips. "Harry...Harry came by last night?"

I nodded again and uncomfortably shifted my weight onto my other foot. "Look, he was drunk and he fell asleep in my room of all places--"

"No, no it's okay," Ginny held up a hand as it to silence me. "I told Harry not to explain, and I'll ask you to do the same thing. I really don't care," she paused and glanced at me, suddenly realizing something. "You...you know?"

I knew what she meant and I nodded again. I felt like one of those bobbing head figurines that Muggles placed in their cars. Ginny paled and fell silent. I smiled, though it felt awfully strained on my face. "No, it's okay. See, I don't need you to explain either. I really don't care," I echoed and laughed until I noticed that Ginny was not going to laugh along any time soon.

"Hermione--"

"No really," I insisted, trying in vain to keep my gaze steady. "You know, I don't know what got into me. I guess it was just...instinctive to help him. He was such a mess last night, and I couldn't just leave him vomiting all over the place," as I spoke these words, I decided that it was just that. I had been sympathetic to his state last night. He had been an utter mess and what could you expect me to do? Leave him sprawled around the house? Yes, there were no personal feelings involved. And if there was, he should be thankful that I didn't take a knife and stab him into the next century.

"I should have told you myself," Ginny muttered, rubbing her temple. "Now you must think I hid it from you purposely or--"

"No! No, of course not. I guess it would be awkward to confess such a thing. I wouldn't be able to," I said truthfully, but a part of me did feel the familiar bitter taste of betrayal. "Maybe I shouldn't have come...Harry and you, arguing and all."

"It's not you, he's always like that," Ginny confessed with a frustrated frown. "He really needs you. You're good for him--"

It was my turn to hold up a hand, shaking my head. "Do you even realize what you're saying? He's your husband and you're acting as if you aren't," I paused and sighed. "You can help him. You're his wife after all," I looked away, wincing at my own words. Wife. "Me? I'd just...kill him," I whispered under my breath and turned to head up the stairs again. I was silently thankful when Ginny did not call me back, except yell up one last sentence.

"He's not always this bad. It's just that...well, yesterday was the twenty-first of June."

I was about to ask her what was so significant about that day until Luna's voice rang clearly in my mind.

" June twenty-first, the day she left us four years ago. "

And when I reached the landing at the top of the stairs, the shadow of his figure flashed before me. I could see his eyes, brilliant green and always so mesmerizing. I could see him so close, just in my imagination, a finger away. But then he turned, slowly, and walked away from me.

It was then that the tears came. I didn't know why. Maybe I was waking up again, reality hitting me hard. I was broken, confused, and alone.

Utterly alone.

Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me...




AN: And old feelings just won't act as if they've never existed...It's possible, really. You think you really hate this person into your next life or something and yet when you see this person, something just won't go away. Sorry once again for the slow, slow updates but real life is killing. Next week is going to be one hell of a busy week so don't expect anything new popping up. Sadly =( Welpz, thanks for reading and review away!
Oh, and someone seems to have figured out what I attempted to hint at you guys before. Chocolate frogs and pumpkin pasties for her! =P