Disclaimer: Everything belongs to JKR. I'm just borrowing her wonderful characters so I can write!
I'm sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room before a roaring fire, unenthusiastically playing a game of Wizard's Chess with Ron. My mind isn't on the game in the least and I really don't want to be sitting here but Ron begged me, and who was I to resist doing something for my best friend, one of the friends I almost killed a week earlier.
It seems like it was only yesterday that I had that vision of Voldemort torturing my Godfather during my O.W.L's. It seems like only yesterday when I refused to listen to my friends and brought them along to the Department of Mysteries, only to find out that the vision had been a hoax and nearly getting everyone killed. It seems like only yesterday when I watched my Godfather fall through that black veil, never to be seen again, all because of me and my stupid visions.
I can barely think about that day without wanting to curl up and just wallow in misery and cry. I want to forget because it might ease the pain, but I can't forget, I never will.
"Harry, your move, mate," Ron says, breaking me from my thoughts.
I carelessly move one of my pawns and Ron scoffs at my poor move, easily taking me with his bishop. I watch with a blank face as the bishop wrestles my struggling pawn off the board, not really caring.
"Bad move, mate," Ron says quietly.
I nod numbly and turn my head toward the coach where my other best friend lies curled up, a large book in her lap. I watch as Hermione shifts and winces from the pain in her chest, where a curse hit her and nearly killed her. The nagging voice in my head comes back in full force as I look at her.
"Its all your fault, you and your bloody "hero" act."
I scowl and shake my head. That had been the worst feeling in the world, watching as the purple light hit Hermione and watching her fall backwards with a look of surprise on her face. My heart stopped beating for a second when she fell, I couldn't lose Hermione! She was a constant at my side, there no matter what. Whether she agreed with my decisions or not, she always followed me. And here I had dragged her into the Department of Mysteries and she was wounded because of me! I'd rather die than have anything happen to her, she means that much to me, though she probably doesn't even know it.
Maybe one day I'll tell her.
Maybe one day I'll tell her how much I need her by my side. How much I need her support. Maybe I'll tell her how much her opinions matter to me and how much I need to hear her advice on every important issue in my life. Maybe I'll tell her how I need to hear her nag me about doing my homework and how important it is for me to succeed in class. Maybe I'll tell her how much each sacrifice she has made for me is appreciated and remembered clearly.
I sigh heavily and earn a raised eyebrow from Ron. Hermione looks up as well and for a moment our eyes lock. She smiles gently at me and then returns to her book. I am blown over by that smile, how she can look at me like that after everything I've done to her. I do not deserve her friendship or respect, I have been no friend to her. I am nothing but a danger to her and I know I should push her away, I know I should try to save her.
But something holds me back, something whispers to me in the back of my head the reason why I can't shove Hermione completely out of my life. It is something I have known for a while now but never really acknowledged, too scared to realize the full extent of it.
I don't know when it started, I'm guessing back at the end of fourth year, when she kissed me on the cheek at King's Cross. No one had ever shown that kind of affection to me before. No one had ever comforted me in that way. And with that simple kiss, something flared inside of me that I desperately tried to ignore. I mulled it over the whole summer, wondering why one simple kiss on the cheek would effect me so greatly. This was Hermione I was thinking about, my best female friend since first year. Sweet, reliable Hermione. Though now when my thoughts turned to her, they were no longer innocent thoughts about a best friend.
My new feelings for Hermione scared me. Did I even know what love was? Was I even in love? I tried to squash my feelings, but jealousy burned in me when I realized her and Ron were together somewhere. The realization hit me that Hermione would never like me, she had Ron. What would she ever see in a skinny, angry boy like me, a boy who has been marked for death the moment he was born. I was just Harry to her, her best friend and "Savior of the World."
But that was the point. Hermione never looked at me as Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. She saw me as Harry, an orphaned boy who grew up with no love and no real family, who had emotions and dreams and goals, who got wonder out of every new thing I saw. In her eyes, I am normal and I can be normal. The freedom I feel around her is refreshing.
But, I am still Harry Potter and anyone who gets close to me is an immediate target. So I shoved my feelings aside and forced her to remain only a friend to me. I told myself over and over again that she most likely wanted to be with Ron and that was the best thing for her, in the process breaking my heart. I latched on to the first girl who showed interest in me, to get Hermione's presence out of my mind.
Cho was merely a distraction. Yes, I did have a slight crush on her but Hermione was the one who stole my heart. But Cho wasn't enough and even she saw right through me and guessed my feelings for Hermione, though I tried to tell her she was wrong. My desperation to push Hermione away came to an extreme and I yelled at her and was always angry with her. I thought this would help but she only stuck closer by my side and my need for her grew even more.
And then she almost died and I realized I could never live without her in my life but I could also never have her in my life the way I wanted her to be. I realized with a heavy heart that no matter how much I love Hermione, she will never, and can never, be mine. I will not allow it, so I will watch her from afar, I will love her from afar. I will watch someone else steal her heart and her love, never being able to do anything about it, just letting my heart fall in pieces.
I cannot tear my eyes away from her right now, I am so glad that Ron is still considering his next move and doesn't notice my fixation. I pray Hermione doesn't look and see I am still staring at her, my feelings blatantly reflecting in my eyes. I couldn't bear the rejection if she realized my feelings right now. Maybe someday though, the time will be right.
My eyes skim over her. Her bushy brown hair that I find so lovely and I'm tempted to run my fingers through it. Her warm, cinnamon brown eyes that sparkle with so much emotion is everything she does, especially how much they glow when she is excited about something. Her small hands that so deftly turn the pages of the books she loves so much. Her straight nose, dotted with freckles, that she scrunches up whenever she is frustrated. Her pink lips that she always bites at whenever she is concentrating, thinking, or worried. I can't take my eyes off her and the feelings surge within me even more.
So is this what love feels like? Loving every single action of a person? Loving every part of them, through and through, even the faults? If that is love, then I've fallen hard for my best friend, fallen in a way that I can never get back up again. My heart aches for what I can't have, for what is missing in my life. I crave to have love in my life so much, but Voldemort stripped it all from. He took away the love I had and the love I want. How I hate him for that. For not allowing me to live a normal life, for not allowing me anything. All because of some stupid Prophecy.
I close my eyes and desperately hold back the tears wanting to fall. Hermione is my everything. She is my friend, my rock, my support, my wisdom, my advice, my strength, and my love. She is all I want and all that I can't have. She is my world and she means the world to me. I would do anything to protect her. I would sacrifice my life, just for her. And I will defeat Voldemort, just for her.
She is the reason I live and breathe. She is the reason my heart beats. She is the reason I get up every morning and live. She is the reason I will fight in that final battle. The love I have for her will carry me through everything and I will survive because of it.
Maybe one day, I will finally tell her all of this. Maybe one day, I'll tell her how much I feel for her. Maybe one day, I will figure out all the right words and summon enough courage to tell her that I love her. Maybe one day, I'll be able to show her all the love I hold inside for her. Maybe one day, I'll open my heart to her and show her the scared boy inside, the one afraid of rejection. Then, I will be able to show her the real Harry Potter, the one who loves Hermione Granger with every fiber of his being and is no longer being held back from revealing that love for her.
Maybe one day I'll tell her, how much she takes my breath away.
..............................
Author's Note: This was just a random piece I thought up suddenly and it wouldn't leave. So I wrote it and figured I'd post it on here. I don't know how good it is, first person POV is usually not my thing but I couldn't write it any other way. I'm thinking of adding two more chapters to it, but I'll see what kind of reviews I get for this part first. I hope I didn't make Harry OOC, I really tried not to and I don't think its really possible to do that with thoughts and feelings, especially in an area that JKR hasn't really ventured yet. In my opinion, Harry is the most difficult character to write because he is so complex and I really hope I captured him well. Like I said, this was a spur of the moment writing at 2 in the morning and I hope you guys enjoyed it. I appreciate reviews so please leave them! :)
For everyone waiting for my next chapter of The Heirs of Hogwarts, please, please be patient with me. I'm having a lot of difficulty writing chapter 20 and I'm still not sure if I really like it. I just moved into my dorm at college as well and life is going to start getting hectic. I will write whenever possible but don't expect anymore frequent updates. Maybe I'll get a chapter up once a week, but I emphasize the "maybe." I feel horrible about it, cause I love writing my stories but my classes come first. Please bear with me, I am trying!
Wish me luck at MSU and I can promise a new chapter to The Heirs of Hogwarts within the next couple of days! Thank you
for all of the wonderful support! I write for you guys! :)
Much Love,
PhoenixFirebolt