It is the day before the school year ends at Hogwarts. Students are packing their trunks and saying their last good-byes. The summer is eagerly anticipated by many, but I am dreading it. I don't want to leave yet, I don't want to leave him behind.
Ever since that fateful day in the Department of Mysteries, I have watched him and I have worried about him. Harry James Potter may try to seem strong on the outside but I know on the inside he is dying. I know, I can always see through him. I can see every emotion in those beautiful emerald eyes of his.
But he has been avoiding me so much lately. He's feeling guilty for what happened to me, Ron, Sirius, and everyone else there. It's like he's scared I'll not want to be his friend anymore. I would never stop being his friend, it's the only thing I can receive from him, it's all I can settle for right now. I never want to lose his friendship, even though it is more that I want.
I may be Hermione Granger. I may be the so-called "smartest witch in Hogwarts." I may seem to know everything. But I am absolutely lost in this area. I am clueless when it comes to understanding falling in love with a person and that person being your best friend.
Yes, I admit it, I have fallen for Harry Potter, my best friend and the most wonderful guy I know. I can't really say when it happened, I don't know the specifics, I just know that it did. The day I realized scared me. Was I suppose to be feeling something like this? Was it normal to fall for your best friend? I felt like my feelings were so unusual.
I tried to act normal though, and somehow, I successfully pulled it off. In the two years I have loved Harry, he has never figured it out. I am perfect in acting like the "best friend" everyday. I try to show equal attention between Ron and Harry so that no one will suspect. Though I did have one slip-up. When I kissed Harry on the cheek at the end of fourth year I knew I was taking a risk. I couldn't help it though, I had to do it, I was so worried about him. I don't think anyone figured it out. I was still Hermione "best friend" Granger. I breathed a sigh of relief that day.
I often wonder why I feel like I should hide my feelings so much. Yes, part of it is because I find it wrong to fall for my best friend, but there is another part to it. What would Harry Potter ever see in me? There's no way he would ever fall for me or even look at me in a different way. I have no chance with him, none at all. That is why I hide everything I feel for him. I am so scared of rejection. I'm scared of losing his friendship if he found out what I feel for him. I can never, ever risk that.
I find it funny that most people at Hogwarts think its Ron that I'm in love with. All of this so-called "sexual tension" they talk about. Ron and I argue all the time about everything but it's not because we like each other. Ron loves to annoy me about everything, he just gets humor out of it. And he knows it bugs me. I yell back because I love to argue and debate, I love challenging other people's ideas. There is nothing between Ron and I and there never will be.
I remember one day back in fourth year, when Harry and Ron stopped speaking, I was sitting with Ron at lunch and this whole thing came up. I will never forget that conversation. I somehow got the nerve up to ask Ron if he had a crush on me, because people had been talking. Ron just stared at me in disbelief for several minutes before bursting into laughter.
"Oh, Hermione," he choked out through his laughter, "you're wonderful but you're my best friend, I could never see you like that."
I had chuckled nervously and blushed, realizing that was how I felt about him too. But his next words were the ones that almost made me fall off of the bench in shock. I had never expected Ronald Weasley to say them.
"Besides," he had continued softly, "you like Harry. You'll end up with him one day."
I remember laughing and waving his comment off, saying that was impossible and Harry was only a friend to me. But Ron had smiled knowingly, revealing one of his most mature moments. His words have always stayed with me. How was Ron, one of the most oblivious boys I know, able to see that I liked Harry? Was it like a sign written on me? I resolved myself to trying to hide myself better. Harry could never know.
So fifth year started and I hid my pain as Harry started going out with Cho Chang. What did he see in her? Couldn't he tell that she only wanted him so she could have a connection to Cedric Diggory? I wanted to tell Harry this but I knew it would only anger him. So I stayed quiet and held back my tears until night fell and I was safely in my dormitory. I understood Harry, not Cho. I loved Harry, faults, temper, and all. But I could not say this.
It hurt so much the day I learned that Cho kissed Harry. My emotions jumped around so much I'm still shocked Harry never noticed. I knew now, for a fact, that Harry would never love me.
I wanted him so much. I wanted to be the one that made him smile when his nightmares woke him up in the middle of the night. I wanted to be able to hug him whenever tragedy struck his life once more. I wanted him to come to me when he needed help and advice, not just with homework, but with everything. I wanted him to kiss me the way he kissed Cho. I wanted to be able to love him the way I always dreamed about.
But reality sunk in and I shoved a wall around my emotions for Harry. I was determined to never let them take over me again. But the Department of Mysteries was my downfall.
The moment Harry said he wanted to leave me, Neville, Luna, and Ginny behind, my heart broke and I swore to myself I would never leave him. I didn't care how much he pushed me away, I would be there.
Fortunately, the chance for me to stay came and we all left to face the unknown danger. I clung desperately to Harry's side, not letting him out of my sight, praying that he wouldn't be hurt. I made a promise to myself that very night to always be with him, whether he loved me or not, it didn't matter. I loved him and that's what kept me going. That's what let me face ultimate danger and risk everyday.
But I failed Harry, I broke my promise. I had a lapse in my concentration and I fell. A Death Eater attacked me and I slipped into blackness. I vaguely remember Harry calling my name and then nothing. His voice was the last thing I heard and it's what helped me remain alive. Harry kept me breathing. I cursed myself for leaving him though, for allowing him to get hurt, for not being there for him. I had not been there as Sirius fell through the veil. I wasn't there when Voldemort possessed his body. I wasn't there when he lost his sense and destroyed Dumbledore's office. I wasn't there.
I yell at myself everyday for that. As much as Harry blames himself for everything, I blame myself for it too. I could have done something, but no, I didn't. I failed.
Something good did come out of the tragedy at the Department of Mysteries though. I finally realized that I need to stop hiding who I truly am, I can no longer hide my feelings. I could have lost Harry that day and he never would have known I loved him. I could have died that day and never have told him. That fact has haunted me these last couple of weeks. It is almost all I think about, especially when Harry is near me. I know now I must tell him. I know I would regret it forever if I never did.
I swallow hard as I place the last of my things in my trunk. But how would Harry take it? Could he handle my change of feelings? Would he be able to look at me if he knew everything I felt for him went beyond friendship? And what about Cho? I couldn't tell anymore if they were together, they fought almost as much as Ron and I, but still, Harry's feelings most likely lingered. He had liked her for so long, as long as I have liked him.
I descend the stairs to the Common Room, my hands shaking, something they do only before an exam. People are scattered around, spending their last few minutes with their friends. I am glad for their distraction, I don't want them to see the fear in my eyes. I sit on the couch and try to clear my dry throat. I'm waiting for Harry to come down and I close my eyes in anticipation, not believing I'm actually going to tell him everything.
"Everything," I whisper under my breath, the meaning of the word truly sinking in.
I didn't notice the sudden presence behind me and I jump at his voice.
"Hello, Hermione," Harry says quietly.
I calm my racing heart and slowly turn to face him, but don't dare to look in his eyes. One look into his green eyes always makes me crumble.
"Hi, Harry," I breathe.
His hands are stuffed in his pockets and he's staring at the floor, restlessly moving his feet. His hair looks messier than ever and I find myself blushing. He always looks so wonderful to me. His eyes finally glance up and I can see they are clouded with unreadable emotions. I narrow my eyes in confusion. Never before have I not been able to read his eyes.
"What's wrong, Harry?" I ask.
"Oh…umm…" he stutters, running a hand through his hair, making me flush once more, "how are you feeling?"
I'm startled by his question. Why is he asking how I'm feeling? I'm worried about him! He has so much more resting on his shoulders than I do. Mine is a simple injury, well, maybe not simple, but its less than Harry's injuries. His are mental and emotional, so much more damaging in the end.
I gaze at him and see he is staring intently back at me, waiting for my answer. I gulp and manage to respond.
"I'm…I'm fine, Harry. How about you though?"
The look on Harry's face scares me. Its nothing. No emotion, no reaction, nothing. Its like I am looking at a wall, a person who doesn't care about anything. And then I realize that Harry has built as much of a wall as I have, hiding his feelings inside himself. Not the same feelings as me, but feelings. And I know I have never understood him better then I have at this very moment.
"Harry," I begin softly, "sit down."
Still not looking at me, Harry slouches into the chair across from me, his eyes firmly fixed on his lap. I lean forward and wring my hands in my lap, trying to place the words together, the words that are flowing in my head.
"I know you are hurting, Harry. You may think you have put a wall up and can block it all but that is the first sign that you are hiding. You can't blame yourself for what happened, it is no one's fault. You are who you are and you can not change that. Since the day you were born, nothing has been your fault. It's Voldemort's fault. He is the one to blame, the only one, everything horrible is because of him."
I pause, hoping Harry is listening even though he still refuses to look at me. I continue in a softer tone.
"Don't push us away, Harry. Ron and I care about you deeply. We want to be there for you but we can't if you shove us away and hide from us. I know you want to protect us in the end but we want to be by you, we want to fight beside you. That is our choice, Harry, and you can not take that away from us. We care about you, Harry, you are our friend and nothing will keep us from staying by your side. Take that wall away, Harry, stop blocking us. Hiding your true emotions and feelings will do no good in the end. Trust us, Harry. Trust me."
I reach over and place my hand over his. Harry flinches but doesn't pull away. He stares down at my hand on top of his in wonder for a few minutes. Then his eyes raise up and lock with mine, showing raw pain within them. I gasp and clutch his hand harder as his fingers lace with mine. He's finally showing me everything he has been hiding and I realize how difficult it is for him.
"I'm here for you, Harry," I whisper.
A single tear rolls down his face and I want nothing more than to hug him and wipe those tears away. So, pushing my own fear aside, I stand up and grip Harry in a hug. He clutches on to me and chokes back a sob. His body trembles under the strain but he refuses to break down in the Common Room. Nobody notices us and I am so grateful.
Harry finally stops shaking and I run a hand lightly through his hair. Harry's grip on me loosens and I hear his voice muffled against my shoulder.
"Thank you, Hermione."
The words send my heart racing once more and I smile gently. Harry pulls away from me sharply and once more locks his eyes on mine. He grabs my hands in his and speaks firmly.
"I mean that, Hermione. Thank you. I needed to hear something like that. It doesn't erase everything but it has helped a little. Thank you for being my friend and for always being there, even when I failed you."
He looks away from me and my heart breaks. I lightly touch his cheek. "You never failed me, Harry."
He looks at me with tearful eyes and slowly nods his head. The want to tell him how much I love him rises once more in my chest but I fight it down. I know I must tell him but right now, its not the time. Harry is in too much pain and I can't throw this on him now.
Harry stands and wipes his eyes, smiling at me with that crooked grin. He hugs me fiercely and I revel in his closeness. He kisses me softly on the forehead and then returns to the stairs, probably needing to do more packing and thinking. I watch him and he turns around once more and grins at me.
I have never felt happier in my life. I haven't told Harry how I feel but for one moment, a great connection was made between us. I wrap my arms around myself and smile.
"One day, Harry, you will know," I whisper, "but for now, I will watch and be your friend."
I will always be there for you.
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Author's Note: Yay! I wrote another chapter to this story. Hermione's POV now and I'm
pretty happy with the way it turned out. I've always liked writing Hermione's character because it comes so
easily to me, maybe because I can relate to her in a few ways. I hope you enjoyed the chapter and I am so grateful for
all my reviews for the last part, it meant so much to me! I'm planning on doing only one more part to this story
and it will most likely be fastforwarded to the end of seventh year, not completely sure yet though.
I really hope you enjoyed the read and please review! I'm hoping to get the next chapter of The Heirs of Hogwarts
written and up very soon, so watch out for that as well!
Much Love,
PhoenixFirebolt