One day. One day I'll find the meaning in my life again.
My third year. Yes, I remember it. I remember the pain, the suffering. I promised myself I wouldn't let her get hurt again this year. After spending days by her hospital bed, confessing my love to her unconscious self, I could not bear the pain. I struggled to keep my feelings for her a secret. We spent so much time alone together that year that it was so hard to. I would suddenly feel the urge to just let loose. But I couldn't.
I knew she cared about me, she showed that when she got my broomstick confiscated, constantly watched out for news on "my murdering stalker," and stayed by my side. I worked so hard that year to produce the Patronus, a spell that could save me from dementors.
Everything went haywire near the end of the school year. Not that it wasn't crazy before. Sirius turned out to be my godfather, who wanted to kill Ron's rat. It confuses me to this day! This day. This day nearly eight years ago. This day of pain and agony.
Sirius was sent to be destroyed by dementors, though he was innocent. Hermione and I spent a lot of time together in attempt to save him. Thank god Ron had a broken leg . . . this was my chance with her. At least I thought so. If only I had known then!
The two of us went back in time to save my dear godfather. We were able to talk for a while, but right as I began to tell her about my feelings our time was taken from us. I know it sounds selfish, but I still wonder if things would have been different now if Lupin could have transformed just a moment later . . .
We saved each others' lives that night. I loved her so much. The love dripped from my very body. How could she have not seen this? Was she blind? Heaven knows with that girl!
The school year was soon over, but my problems were far from it. I spent a miserable summer at home, the hell I called my home. But soon I was invited to the Burrow. I knew she'd be there too . . . I thought this would be the perfect time to confess. How wrong I was!
Summer at the Burrow was heaven and hell. I remember wanting to pour my heart out to her the moment I saw her there. I couldn't, not then at least. We went to the Quidditch World Cup and strange things happened. After the game, the Dark Mark was conjured with my wand. Hermione tried to convince the adults that it couldn't have been the house elf. How wonderful she was . . . she put her heart into the well-being of others. I was scared for her; I wanted to keep her safe from danger, safe from the man that put that godforsaken thing into the sky . . .
The school year only led to hell. Getting entered into the Triwizard Tournament was not a good thing. I did get to spend extra time with her, but now I see that it only led to destruction. God, I wish I could go back and change things. I wish I could find her now. Every piece of me longs for her, I wish I could find her.
With her help, I was guided through the tasks presented before me. But there was one she couldn't help me with. The Yule Ball. This was my chance, my perfect chance. I could confess everything and show the world my love for her! I could have, at least. But no, I was more arrogant than I knew. I asked Cho instead, deciding to bottle up my pain and love once more. After being rejected, I knew that I needed to ask Hermione. But upon asking her, she said that she already had a date. I went into a deep angst depression. My love, my one true love . . . taken by another?
It made me physically sick to see her with Krum. I couldn't stand the fact that she could need anyone but me. Me. I was the one for her. I always will be. I don't think she ever even liked the stupid git; she just wanted a date. But she came to me again. She came to me. She helped me with the last task; I learned so many spells from her. After so much time alone together in empty classrooms, I still wonder why the hell I didn't make a move. I was scared. I needed her so much, but I was so scared that I would ruin the beautiful friendship we built. I wanted more . . . more than friendship.
Everything is a blur. Winning the tournament with Cedric, Voldemort coming back, Cedric's death, fighting my mortal enemy once again . . . it all seems so surreal. I came back for her though. Her memory allowed me to fight, to keep strong, and to come back. I was so scared that Voldemort would hurt her . . . I knew that my death would hurt her even more. I came back and found her. I didn't want to talk to her at first, I had been through so much. I loved her so much, I didn't want to tell her all the horrors I had seen. I loved her. I love her.
I still search for her. Yes, it's true. I know she's alive, I still feel her within me. I must find Hermione. My one true love. She's out there somewhere . . .
Does she still think about me?
<AN> I hate cluttering up with these, but I just want to thank everyone that gave feedback. It really helps to get the story written and running smoothly. Thanks a lot, I'll try to get each chapter up as soon as I can! Keep the feedback coming =) </AN>