-Chapter Six: Garden Strolls
-By Natali
(-Present…-)
Lily opened the front door, heading for the park at the end of her street which was always empty. Something had changed in her overnight. Something was different about the whole place.
"Ah," she said finally, while sitting on the swing. "James is here." She glanced at the foreboding house to her left, where a young man was peeking out of the highest window, only an eye and a patch of black hair showing. She held his gaze, and he knew immediately that he was found out.
He'd told himself not to peek, but he hadn't been able to resist watching her, especially now that she seemed a bit happier about the whole thing. The fact that she was out was evident enough about her better mood.
Lily squinted up at him, regretting what she was about to do. But of course, she'd known she was going to do it perhaps even before this situation presented itself.
She called him down with one simple wave of her hand. After a quick check that there were no muggles around, he apparated down to her.
Hands in his pockets, he stepped closer slowly, finally seating himself in the swing next to her. The entire time, she'd been facing ahead and not even acknowledging his presence.
"I forgive you," she stated simply, still not looking at him.
"Lily…" But he hesitated, running a hand through his hair. "I wish…"
"It's ok," she whispered, finally turning to him. Her heart turned over as she noted how utterly… miserable he looked. Maybe even worse than she, because at least she was getting over it. "I've always forgiven you, you should've known that I would this time too. It just took me a little longer than the other times, James."
"Lils, I didn't-"
"You've always hurt me, and that's ok. I don't think that you do it on purpose, it's just the way that you are," she sighed, playing with the fringe on her skirt. "I long ago stopped holding grudges against you. So don't worry."
"Lily, I want to talk-"
But she rose, stopping him. "No. I'm not exactly sure that I could take it," she smiled honestly. It felt so good to her to smile. "Just tell me that you're sorry you've hurt me so much. And that's it. That's all that I really want to hear. Since our best mates seem to be getting together, we're going to be seeing a lot of each other, and there's no point in this being uncomfortable, is there?"
Don't do it, James. After all the work, after you promised to her so many times that you'd protect her, don't be selfish now and ask for her back. You don't deserve her, you scum. You're not even worthy to look at her, James told himself, looking away. You don't even deserve to live on the same planet as she is.
"Of course. I just… Lily, we can be friends can't we?" he asked timidly. If he couldn't have all of her, he might as well take what he could get.
She fingered something on her neck.
The necklace he'd given her so long ago, he realized, fighting to control the emotions within him. Why, of all the people, did I give it to her?
"Yes, James. One way or another, I need you in my life. Even as just a friend. Goodbye." She turned and headed back for her own house, tears streaming down her face already. Part of her had been hoping… But no, that part of her was silly and had silly dreams and hopes.
"I'm so sorry, Lily," he called after her. You moron, he berated. You selfish asshole. He stood up off the swing and headed after her. "Every time that I hurt you, I'm so sorry," he told her once he'd caught up. "I never meant to."
"It's ok," she insisted, wary of the hand he was bringing to her cheek. "James, don't do this to me," she pleaded. "Don't do this."
"My beautiful flower of the forest," he muttered, one lonely, solitary tear slipping out of his right eye. "You always did look breathtaking, even when you were feeling terrible."
"I am not yours anymore," she reminded softly, not angry. No, she sounded more pained and a little touched that he still considered her his, even if she wasn't. "You can't have me anymore."
"I… I wasn't asking," he forced out, dropping his hand. "I just… Ugh, I don't know. Lily, don't cry over me. I'm the biggest jackass ever to walk the face of the earth, and you're so much better off without me."
"No, no, you're not." She hung her head. "Don't tell me that, James. Don't tell me that I'm better off without you." The tears streamed down her face a little faster now, and James was becoming alarmed. He'd never been good with crying females, much less one that he wanted to kiss so terribly.
"But you are. If you knew…" But he shook his head. "Forget it. I've never been able to lie to you, you know. It's a curse, and I'm sorry that I ever asked you out, Lily. I'm sorry for you, because now you're stuck with those memories."
She looked up into the eyes of the man she loved-the man she'd always love-and pulled him into a tender hug. "I'm not. Not for one bit of it."
He sighed, breathing in the scent of her hair, instantly soothing him. She began to sob harder, and he comforted her, softly patting her back.
"Lily, don't cry. It'll only make me feel lower than I already do, if that's possible," he murmured into her hair.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You have nothing to feel sorry for."
"No, I do. I'm sorry you're so sad," she said, leaning back to look into his face. Even now, after all of the shit he'd put her through, she was still so sensitive to his needs. He wished that she wasn't.
"I'm fine," he lied.
"Of course you are," she nodded, kissing his cheek. "You've always been. Thank you for listening to me cry like a baby. And for finally helping me to let go." She kissed his cheek once more, lingering just a little too long. "Bye."
He watched her go, and it was official.
He'd finally lost the last person who he really cared about. Even Sirius and Remus were being pushed away by him.
"No more," he said, gritting his teeth and fists clenched. "No more."
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-December 3
Well, it's official. James and I broke up today. He's hurt me so badly, diary! All I did was talk to Brandon, and suddenly I'm flirting with every guy I see and a slut. He went out with this slut, so why the bloody hell does he care?! I don't get him, I don't understand him, and I hope he dies alone and cold and depressed when he's eighty.
Or perhaps even better, tomorrow morning.
I don't even know what happened, it's all such a blur… I swear, I've never even looked at someone else the entire time we were dating. I mean, the freaking "king and queen of Hogwarts". If anything, I thought that showed how utterly happy we were with each other. And to top it off, the sex is awesome. But apparently, none of that matters…
No one even knows that we've broken up yet. I'd hate to see how people would react. I know of a few bitches that have been just waiting for me to screw it up. And those are their words exactly. But fine, I don't need him. I've never needed anyone, so why should I start now? Why should all of a sudden some guy mean something more to me than just a toy?
I wish I knew. Because that's exactly how I feel, and I can't wipe it out of my head. I feel so broken inside, which I suppose that I shouldn't, since I was sort of the one who introduced the idea of breaking up. But it wasn't my fault, he was overreacting for no damn reason, so what am I supposed to do, hmm?
Maybe beg him to take me back?
I'm seriously thinking about it, because I can't stand this. I'm not sure what it is about James Potter, but he's got me hooked. Hooked like a bloody fish. And I'm not going to be getting free anytime soon, if the river I've managed to cry in five minutes is any indication. Oh, damn, and I've managed to stain this page with tears, too!
…I've noticed that I haven't even told you the story yet, diary. I'm sure that you're just dying to hear what happened.
But then again, you were never really alive were you?
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(-Memories…-)
"What's the matter with you? And let go, you're squeezing me too hard!" Lily said as James shoved her into a random broom closet. "Gosh, James, what is wrong with you?"
"You're a slut," he scowled in the dim room.
Her jaw dropped. "I'm sorry, what did you say to me just now? I know that you didn't just call me a slut. Because I suppose that that makes you the boyfriend of one."
"You are," he bit out. "You flirt with every bloody boy you pass, my best mates included. Lord only knows who you've cheated on me with."
"Are you mad?" she asked incredulously. "Me? Why on earth would I cheat on you when I could've just dumped you and not have that on my conscience? And when have I ever flirted with Sirius or Remus?"
"And Peter."
She burst out laughing. "I sure as hell didn't flirt with Peter. I find him about as attractive as rotting cheese on a dead frog."
"Who knows what goes on in that head of yours."
"I think something's gone to your head," Lily sighed. "You're completely off your rocker-well off it."
"Are you insulting me now?" James accused.
Lily only stared at him. "I think you've been looking for a reason to start this. If you want to break it off, James, I'll be a big girl and I can take it. No need to be subtle on my account. Although this isn't really subtle, but that's you, not me."
"What, you want to break up?" he asked angrily.
She laughed, head thrown back. "What is the matter with you? Have you been smoking something? Are you a pothead? I've never dated one, and I'm not going to start now."
"And still you insult me."
"Would you shut up!" Lily shrieked. "Now, what's the problem here? You don't want me to talk to anyone with male genitals? Can I talk to the professors, or is that forbidden as well?"
"Don't be a smart ass," James growled, stepping closer to her. "You know very well what the problem is. Am I supposed to sit there and watch you humiliate me, and flirting with every damn thing with a penis?"
"And don't forget the girls. I flirt with those too," she snapped. "After all, I'm all for equality. And since I'm a slut, I can't exclude half of the human race. No, I'm for love all around. What, did you think that you were the only one who was going to get to sample Lily Evans while we were together? I thought you were on board with this idea, Potter."
What had begun as a fake and forced anger soon became real.
Very real.
James pushed her a tad violently against the wall, and Lily recoiled, eyes closed and trembling.
He didn't want her to be afraid of him. He'd overreacted, and he hadn't meant to hurt her. But just… Oh, he was such an idiot. He hadn't thought his genius plan through so well after all.
"Go ahead. Hit me," she dared him, looking straight into his eyes. "It's really no worse than you've already done. And it'll probably pain me less too."
He backed away slowly, eventually out of the broom closet and away from it.
She slid to the floor, shaking. She'd truly been afraid that he was going to hit her, but thankfully he hadn't. But maybe what he did was just as bad.
"Don't cry," she told herself bravely. "Not yet."
She rose and headed out the door, rubbing the back of her head where she'd been slammed against the wall. That was going to leave a bump, she was convinced of it.
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(-Present…)
"How dare he?" Rachel asked angrily. "You know, he has some nerve to do all this to you. And I don't know why you put up with it. If I'd known about this, he wouldn't have been alive today."
Grace agreed, but didn't say so. She felt that she had to let Lily know that there was more than one way to react to things. "Yet you didn't tell us. It seems to me that you lied to us a lot when you were with him."
"I never lied to you," Lily said immediately. "But you're right. I didn't tell you everything."
"Why not?"
Lily shrugged. "Because he was always so nice and so sincere afterwards that I didn't want to create that tension."
"There were other times?" Rachel asked warily.
"Yes, there were. Not as bad as that one though. But basically the same. He'd get jealous or upset about something, and we'd break up for about two hours before he came back and apologized."
Rachel saw red. "You were too nice to him."
Lily smiled. "Well, the makeup sex was always the kicks. I just couldn't resist." With a sigh, she added, "But I did, today. I resisted."
"He tried to make up with you?" Rachel asked curiously. "You actually talked to him?"
"I called him down from his house," Lily replied. "I told him I'd forgiven him; again. And I'm not exactly sure what happened, and I don't feel like talking about it, if that's all right."
"Of course," Grace said understandingly, but Rachel wanted to know. She sent her friend a glare and shook her head. Pouting, Rachel sat back in her chair.
"Anyway," Lily said, her tone much happier, "I feel so much better, and that's what I really needed to do. So I think that we should go to a club tonight, just for the fact that I need to get laid very badly. Oh, and bring along your boy toys."
Rachel chuckled. "You always seem to know these things, Lils."
"Yes, well. I am me, aren't I?" Lily smiled, rising. "Come on. You have to help me decide what to wear, because my past depression has addled my mind and I'm incapable of picking a flaming hot outfit. So come, you two lazy things. We're going up to my closet."
"We'll be there for hours," Grace groaned. "Your closet is bigger than my bedroom."
"Don't be so exaggerated, Grace," Lily laughed. "It's not bigger, but the same size. Really, people are going to think I'm addicted to clothes."
"You are," Rachel muttered as they went up the stairs.
"Yes, but no one needs to know that."
She's finally back to her normal self, Grace thought thankfully. Oh, thank you, God. Thanks so much for bringing back our mate.
But Rachel was thinking a different thing entirely.
Lord help me to not murder that Potter prat. Pray for his conversion to the nice guy I know is in there somewhere in that thick head of his. For his own wellbeing, I hope he gets back to normal.
And, of course, Lily, being aware of her friends' thoughts sent her own silent prayer up to the heavens.
Don't let them see James for a few weeks, because I think they'll kill him. At least Rachel anyway.
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"You spoke to her?" Sirius asked, inspecting James's new home.
"She called me down and all," James said miserably. "If anything, I'm sure more now than ever that it's good and over. Better for her."
Remus glared at his best mate. "You could've told us something about this earlier, you know."
"I could've," James agreed. He sighed. "You have all the right to be pissed with me."
"Funny thing is, I'm not," Remus said angrily. "I'm mad because you're a complete idiot. You never think things through. And now, when you finally decide to tell us that the bloody necklace you gave her is what Voldemort's been looking for these recent months, it's too late to do shit about it!"
"She's perfectly safe," James said weakly. "She was only in danger if we got married. He doesn't have a clue about who has the necklace."
"And yet, I'm more worried for your sanity," Remus spat. "You, obtuse as you are, gave it to someone you knew, and not some random person in a club."
"Oh. I've never thought of that," James mused.
"Of course not. You're dense. We've established this already," Remus retorted sharply.
"Relax, Moony," Sirius said in a warning tone. "We've been fighting for long enough. We all mess up."
Fuming, Remus closed his eyes. "Fine. I'll shut up for now."
"James, what're you going to do about this?" Sirius asked.
"Nothing," James replied bitterly. "And don't you two try to convince me otherwise."
"You don't deserve her. There's no way I'm going to try to convince you, of all things," Remus growled.
"Thank you. I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees it that way," James muttered sadly. For her safety.
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-A/N: Sorry it took me so long, but I really didn't have anything to write about. But I so loved writing this chapter, as sad as it made me. Next is a club scene.
Thanks to all for reading.
HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!
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