-Because I'm stupid, I'd forgotten to upload chapter seven here. So yeah. This is eight and seven. Sorry guys.
-Chapter Seven: Officially Nuts
-By Natali
Present Date-I've lost track
Well, here it is diary:
I am officially nuts. Officially. No doubt in my mind. James spoke with me yesterday, when I called him down. And I am officially nuts.
I, Lily Evans, am dressed up. What for? To go out. Go out where? To James's new house. Why? Because I'm about to accept him back.
If he begs enough.
Why again?
Because I love him, and I'm just so confused.
He's keeping some dark, dark, dark secret from me. I can just… TELL.
I'll write later. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows?
Depending on the outcome of my wild escapade, I may or may not write.
Guess which outcome would make me NOT write…
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(-Present…-)
"You are crazy," Lily muttered. "Bloody crazy, and you've no clue what the fuck you're doing here, in front of James's new house, in front of his gate, the gate to his house, of which he bought in my neighborhood, the neighborhood in which I live, that also contains James's house."
She took a deep breath, still staring at the white gate. All she'd have to do was open it, walk ten paces, and she'd be at the front door. Then she'd have to go inside. Then she'd-worst of all-have to figure out an excuse to why she was here in the first place.
"You don't think things through, you nincompoop," she scolded herself, scowling. "Impulse. You've always done things on impulse. Why, wasn't that time that you and James went into the bathroom at The Three Broomsticks on impulse? And what happened afterward?" She shivered in remembrance. "Yes, oh, impulses. What a royal pain in my arse."
Suddenly, the door opened, and Lily yelped, jumping slightly. "Oh, hi… Sirius. Erm, what are you doing here?"
"Sorry, Lils, wrong line," he smiled, shutting the door. Sobering as he came closer to her, he dropped his voice and spoke out of the corner of his mouth. "James is watching you from the third story, in the attic. I suggest you stop making a fool of yourself, grow some, and get in there. I doubt he expects that you'd come in. Later."
"Help yourself to anything in my fridge," she called after him, as he was sure to be on his way to see Rachel.
"Thanks, will make sure to do that!"
Turning back-and now aware that someone was watching her-she slammed the gate open, and shut it. As if by their own accord, her feet started shuffling forward, and in no time she was at the door.
"Bloody hell," she whimpered, knocking once then entering. The house was musty, but it was grand nonetheless. A sweeping staircase was to her right, and a two-story high entrance hall is where she found herself. The second floor balcony could be seen from her position, as well as its doors and boxes.
He must still be moving in.
She stepped forward carefully, trying to gauge where exactly the attic would be. It would have to overlook the front lawn, which law north. She turned to the stairs, and started her way up them.
"What a miracle James doesn't have a butler or some House Elf," she muttered.
I've really got to stop this talking out loud to myself thing, she thought. It's spooking even me, and I must've looked utterly ridiculous from the attic, talking to myself and standing in front of that damned gate for five minutes.
Finally, after searching for several minutes, she managed to find a door open, with a staircase inside. It was a small, cramped space, but she felt she could do it. After all, if James's big manly frame could fit, so could she.
There's always apparating, she mused bitterly, climbing. Now why didn't I think of that before? Bloody idiot witch.
"James? You there?" she called out softly, winding her way through coats, boxes, dust, and what she was pretty sure was a pile of bones. She hoped there was a rat or something up here and not something else.
"We're here," came his reply.
We? Lily's inside froze, and she halted for a moment. Who else could be with him, in this dusty, dark, private place? Was it a girl? Was she intruding? Lily felt sick, and wished she hadn't been impulsive.
"Why me?" she mouthed heavenward, continuing her trek.
"Yeah, we're here, Lily."
Oh! It's Remus! Lily smiled, keeping down a giggle. It'd be nice to see him again. It's been a few months.
"Hello," she said, emerging from a rack of dusty dresses that must have been from the early 1900s. With a cough, she waved. "Nice"-cough-"afternoon, isn't it? I"-cough-"hope I'm not"-cough-"interrupting." She gave a sneeze, and then finally opened her watery eyes. She'd always been allergic to dust.
"You shouldn't have come up. You're allergic to dust," James stated absently, handing her a handkerchief. It was one of the odd things about him. He'd always carried one, and one that matched with his clothes too.
"I'm fine," Lily insisted. "Hi, Remus. How've you been?"
"Dandy, and randy," Remus smiled, kissing her cheek. "Did you need something?"
"Well…" Lily hesitated, looking away. "I was hoping to speak with James a bit, if you don't mind."
She was surprised by the scowl that came onto his face. "No," he lied, starting forward. "Not a bit. James, do me a favor mate, and be a man, you coward."
"Remus, shut up," James said dryly, drinking something from a cup. "And by God, go get shagged with Sirius, will you? I'm tired of hearing you."
"You need some sense in you," Remus retorted hotly. "You've got something not right up in that head of yours! You-"
"What are you, children?" Lily interrupted, stepping between them and feeling like her old self. "Go on, Remus. I'll be fine."
"I hope he won't," Remus muttered, downing his own drink. "There's hard liquor in my room, if either of you will be needing it. Lily, I suggest you drink double. Good bye." He disappeared with a pop.
"That was odd," Lily said softly, turning to look at him. Her skin crawled, because he looking at her with that same look he used to get, one that had never made her doubt his feelings for her.
I love you, that look said. And I wish we were anywhere but here.
"Stop it," she whispered, moving her head. "Don't do that, you don't mean it."
"And you swear that I know what you're talking about." He didn't expect to be answered, so she didn't. But his hands on her shoulders were too much.
"You've got nerve, Potter," she said sharply, but not quite enough as much as James's conscience would've liked. Yeah, it hurt, but not enough to make him back off.
"So do you, standing in front of my house muttering to yourself."
"Touché." There was an eerie silence as she contemplated how she should begin her proposal. Finally, she decided on one. "Do you know what bugs me? How at the end of some stories people say `And they lived happily ever after'. That's not true, there's just no such thing."
"There are things close to it," he said carefully, choosing his words. "What do you mean by being here, Lils. Just say it."
"You don't hate me."
"No," he sighed, "I do not."
"You even called me Lils."
"You've always been Lils to me, even before we went out. Always, in my head… In my heart."
"You're lying."
"I'm not; I really did think of you as-"
"Not that. Either you're lying about wanting to break up with me, or everything we've ever been has been a lie. A total, and huge lie." Head still averted, she played with her necklace, pulling at his heart.
Don't you do it, you selfish jackass, Remus's voice said in his head. Don't you dare beg her back-you don't deserve her.
"I don't deserve you."
"Who cares, and who's keeping track?"
"You don't get it, Lily!" he said angrily, stepping away. "You don't get it one bit!"
She whirled around, her fieriness-his favorite part-coming fully.
"Not because I don't want to, but because you've blocked me out and you've tried again and again and again to block me out, James Potter, and I've had it up to my fucking eyes with it!" she roared, growing red in the face. "I don't get it because you won't let me."
He growled-he actually growled!-and stepped towards her menacingly. "I've kept you protected for a very long time, Lily, so don't start lecturing on `doing right'. If I didn't know what was right, I wouldn't be in this position right now! But because I'm human, just like you, I let down my guard and moved in seven bloody houses from you, where you can come and do… this!"
"This?" she repeated, pitch rising. "What is `this'? Is this coming over here, admitting my insanity, and trying to understand why I still want you back `this'? Is that bloody good enough for your `this', James?"
"Shut up, Lils, you're crazy and don't know the better of it."
"Shove it up your arse, James. You've always been such an asshole."
"At least I'm not a colossal bitch who can't seem to make up her fucking mind about any fucking feelings and doesn't care about toying with a man's already fucked up emotions."
"Oh, you're one to talk, about `toying with emotions'," she hissed, poking his stomach hard. "You really do have the gall to say that, don't you? And I bet you totally believe it, too."
"I laid it out for you-2+2=4. But no, you've got to go and give me a bloody equation. What is it? X equals the opposite of b plus or minus the square root of 4ac over 2a?"
She stared. "What on earth are you talking about?"
"Nothing. Forget it. Get out of my house, Lily, for your own good."
"The hell I am!"
"The hell you are!"
"If you don't keep your voice down, someone's going to think there's something wrong up here and call the authorities or something," she bit out, closing her eyes in aggravation.
"Oh, really?" he laughed. "And who exactly would hear us? BAM OUR FUCKING DOG?!"
"He is not `ours' anymore, he is `yours'," she screamed back. "Do you remember that I bought him for you one day in Diagon Alley, and we said we'd share him, but you kept him when you broke up with me for no reason!"
He drew breath in a hiss. "I had-have-a reason."
A perfect, red eyebrow rose haughtily. "Oh, really? Let's hear it then. Let's hear why the infamous, dashing James Potter felt it necessary to break poor little Lily's heart."
Abruptly, he pushed her back against a wall, and she broke out in tears, tired of trying to hold them back. She continued on relentlessly, driving a stake into his cold, lonely heart with every trenchant word.
"You're a worthless, useless waste of skin! I came over here to talk to you, James, because for some outrageous reason, I want you back because I have never loved someone the way that I love you. Never!" She gave a big sob. "And I'm such a fool, such a bloody, idiot fool!"
James remained quiet, the lump in his throat growing larger with each second. He was going to back down, he could feel it. After all that shit, he was backing down.
"The necklace," he croaked out, gripping her arms tighter without realizing it. She winced in pain, but didn't make to move out of his reach. "The one I gave you-the one you're wearing-is what Lord Voldemort is looking for. I gave it to you because it wasn't safe in my family anymore. I'd never expected that… we'd last." His grip tightened yet again, but Lily wasn't listening.
Hatred filled her, and her tears became angry-angrier than she'd ever been with him.
"How could you keep something like that from me?"
"I thought it was for the best."
"WELL NOW LOOK WHERE WE ARE!" she screamed in his face, wrenching her arm out of his hold long enough to slap him across the face.
It seemed as if the whole world had stilled, and Lily stared in horror as her fingers began to appear on his face. "James, James… I didn't mean to…"
"Don't you get it?" he whispered lethally. "Don't you understand? For whatever reason the Dark Lord wants that necklace, the only way he could get it is if it was through my family and to end my line-the Potters-forever?"
"So why not prove him wrong?" she sniffed, leaning her head back against the wall.
"You're stupid if you don't see this, Lily."
"Are we back to `this'?" she yelled. "I'll give you another slap, if that's what you need to right your head!"
"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME AGAIN, LILY!" he roared, recapturing her arm and holding it against the old wall.
With all the hatred she could muster-and by now there was quite a lot of it-she put all her effort into conveying it in a deadly whisper. "I hate you."
There are three words that could make you feel as if you're on top of the world, and then there are three that make you want to die, kill yourself, and never feel anything again. Maybe drink yourself into a drunken stupor and high dive off the Tower of London.
Those three words Lily had just told him so convincingly were the latter.
"I know," he said simply. "I know you do."
She collapsed against him, sobs racking her body. "No, no, no."
"I hate me too," he whispered into her hair. "I really can't see how you could ever love me. I'm the most-"
"James, I didn't mean it," she whispered against his cheek, bringing up the hand that slapped him to the cheek that still bore her mark. With loving caresses, she managed to dull the sting a bit, but not the ache inside of him. "I didn't mean a word of it."
"Yes, you did."
"But I take it back." She hugged him. "Why don't you talk to me?"
"Because. I don't want you to get hurt."
"There are no such things as happy endings, but `there are things close to it'. Don't you think this is one?" she whispered, giving his jawbone tender, loving little kisses. "Why not?"
"Because you're on the line, and that's not something I'm willing to risk," he replied, but he was returning the kisses. Slowly, but very surely.
"Together, James… when haven't we been able to do something?"
"We haven't been able to stay together for over a year."
"No one is perfect," she smiled, inching her way to his lips, the lips she'd missed so much.
"No, Lily," he pleaded, brushing his lips on hers. "Oh, Lils."
The silence in the attic this time was neither awkward nor angry nor sad. It was one that held promise, hope, a future.
And yeah, even love.
Lily sneezed suddenly, straight into James's mouth.
"Ew!" he laughed. And laughed and laughed and laughed…
She laughed with him, hugging his middle, and he hugged her back. They were like that for a long while until tears of laughter ran down their faces and their sides ached.
"That… was… one of the most… disgusting things I've ever witnessed," he gasped, pulling her against him.
"It was just a sneeze!" she said in her defense. "You have my spit in your mouth, but me sneezing disgusts you?"
"No, it only amuses me," he smiled, kissing her again, cutting off whatever smart retort she was preparing to make. "Let's get out of here, before you sneeze again."
"You are so cruel!" she grinned, walking beside him in an intimate hug. "Does this mean we're back on…?"
-Chapter Eight: Jack and the Beanstalk
-By Natali
"Deep shit," Rachel muttered, pacing the parlor where Remus and Sirius watched her, somber. Grace was watching Lily's cat play with its yarn, oblivious to the world. "I'll kill him."
"Whatever," Remus said, bored with it all. "You won't be able to do anything about it. You know how James and Lily are…"
"Yeah. All they have to do is be left alone long enough, and they'll shag each other. That's how they've managed to stay together all this time, you know," Sirius muttered.
"It's James's fault. All of it is," Grace pouted. "Do you know how much trouble this will be? Oh, it's just such a pain in the arse for us all."
Rachel played with her glasses, biting the tip. "Dumbledore sound good?"
"First we need to sort of assess this situation," Remus disagreed, rising. "I mean, how do we go about all this…? James failed to mention that the necklace existed, but Sirius and me have always known that there would be some sort of complication from Lord Voldemort. We even thought Lily was aware of this…"
"But she wasn't, obviously. And James, idiot, gave her the necklace," Sirius groaned, pulling on his hair. "It's all James's fault for not telling us."
"Can't they just give to someone else?" Grace asked.
"They could, but I doubt it'd work."
"Meaning?"
"Magical objects don't like leaving their owners. I bet you that necklace would somehow find its way back to Lily."
"What does that have to do with Voldemort anyway?" Rachel half-screamed, frustrated. "How is that supposed to help him kill off the Potters?"
"Not a clue," Remus and Sirius shrugged simultaneously.
"Well, look who's here," Rachel smiled. "I'm not sure whether to kill you guys or congratulate you…"
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June 19--.
Whoever decided that Jack and the Fucking Beanstalk was a good story, should be bopped on the head with a sledgehammer.
I hate stories now. Fables, fairy tales, stories of any and every kind… James told me loads of stories, just because his mum used to tell them to him, and he had loads in his empty brain. I hate stories… They remind of good times. Good times should go to hell. So should Jack and his fucking beanstalk. Oh why not send that idiot, mother fucking giant there too?! You know who should also go to hell?
James should go to hell.
Why does he keep doing this? He manages to ruin every bloody thing for me, yet there he goes, walking around as if he's just all fine and dandy. Well screw him. You'd figure, right, that since school is about to finish-for good now, mind you-that he'd be able to contain himself for the three blasted days that are left?
Yet no, here I am, Lily Evans, sobbing my heart out, because Mr. Fucking Potter couldn't keep his fucking pants the fuck up. Damn him! Where does he get off, doing things like this?!
Imagine my surprise when I come into his room and that whore Lorena di Maya is on top of him, bouncing around like she's in some sort of car with bad shock absorbers! I've never seen anything so unskillful as that bitch trying to do… whatever it was she was doing.
So I ask: "Something you want to tell me, James?"
You should have seen that black-haired cunt jump off him, trying to cover those tiny boobs of hers. I'm not even sure she has a full A cup yet!
Of all the creatures he could've cheated with… A fucking male would have been better!
I think it would've hurt me less, too. Imagine, me being rejected for Lousy-in-Bed Lorena! Talk about wounded pride…
He's such a prick. Just a handsome, practically perfect prick, pompous prat, pain in my arse GIT! Oh, damn, I'm using alliterations now. You know it's bad.
I feel, quite frankly, like digging myself a grave and laying my body down to die and wither away.
Dust to dust… Ashes to ashes… Eventually they all fall.
Even the king and queen of Hogwarts.
Or perhaps I should say especially?
I don't think it's fair to put me through all this. He done things like this before, yet all he's got to do to get me back is to look at me, tell me he'll never do it again, and say how much he cares about me, needs me… Loves me…
How much he loves me, how sad he was until I brightened up his life, how I make him quiver with lust just by saying his bloody name.
He promised he'd never want another.
So much for that. She wasn't exactly forcing him, was she? And the look on her face! Back stabbing bitch!!!! It told me all I needed to know: `Oops, you caught me with your boyfriend. We aren't sorry we did it, just that we got caught'.
During this lovely exchange of faces (during which my own countenance probably spoke loud and clear to her: `Go ahead, I dare you to fall asleep and close your eyes tonight! No one encroaches on what is mine'), that ingrate which I used to call my boyfriend was pulling on his pants and trying to talk to me.
In the movies, the scene always blurs, as if in slow motion, and the girl is seen running away, crying. I know how that feels, as of today.
He's outside right now, pounding on my door. `Lily, it's… not what you think' he keeps yelling, over and over and over again… Until that's all I hear, but I've managed to drown things out.
How can it not be what I think? I saw them shagging each other, and he wasn't doing much to fight her off either!
I'll kill myself. Of all the things he's done-would have done in the future, too-I would never have thought this…
His mantra's changed now. I wonder when? I hadn't noticed. Something to the effect of: `Open the door, please Lils, I've got to talk to you. Listen to me, my love'.
Dirty, rotten, cheating bastard.
I bet he hears me sobbing-I am, you know. I've never cried like this before. Not when my pets died, not when I found out that Petunia hated me, not when I understood what my mother would do with our mailmen, gardeners, and lawn mowers while Daddy was away on business. Not even then was I this hurt. Because I've never loved like this.
Obviously, he hasn't either. Loved, that is. Or at least, not me. Never me. That's what hurts too. Every time he whispered those three words to me ("I love you, my Flower of the Forest," he whisper against my lips, nearly every night before bed…), it was all a lie.
One big lie.
How does someone go from utter, unmitigated happiness to wrist-slitting depression in less than thirty seconds?
Ask James Potter, and he'll be glad to explain it to you.
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-Memory of that entry…-
"You prick," James groaned, leaning against the door, still topless. People were eyeing him oddly, and Lily's best mates looked about ready to kill him, even though they didn't know what he'd done.
They knew he'd done something.
"I think she's gone to sleep," Rachel snapped, crossing her arms and pushing herself off the wall behind him. "Let me get in."
"If you get in, then so do I," he growled, examining his reddened palms. He must have been pounding on that door for at least half an hour now. "Anyway, she won't open the door."
Grace grimaced. "What did you do? Usually Lily just hits you upside the head then moves on with life." Her eyes were so penetrating that he felt as if she knew every little thing that had happened-Lily walking in, staring for a moment, yelling various epithets (in different languages), then running out, crying…
"Nothing," he muttered, sighing and balling his fists up. Lils never cried… "If she wants to talk to me… I mean, if she comes out or opens the door, will you let me know? I want-need-to talk to her."
Rachel and Grace stared at him as he walked off, trying to hold back tears, unbeknownst to them.
"What do you think he did?" Grace whispered to Rachel, turning toward their door. "Lils, it's just us. Open up."
Silence, then a gut-wrenching sob.
Rachel and Grace looked at each other.
"Whoa, this is worse than the time that Lils didn't get an O.W.L. in Arithmancy," Rachel gawked. "Should we get her chocolate? Alcohol? Finger paints?" Suddenly, the lock on the door clicked, and the door creaked open ominously.
"You should tell one of the House Elves to oil that door," Lily sobbed throwing herself on the bed. "Please don't talk to me. Pretend I'm not even here."
Of course, if Rachel and Grace hadn't known Lily so well, they wouldn't have known what she said, because her face was buried in her already soaked pillow, muffling the words so that it sounded something more like, "Heez don't hok fu me. Preten im not eve here," with a dramatic wail on `here'.
"Oh, sure, because a sobbing 17-year-old red head is just normal," Grace smiled, patting Lily back. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"Sure?"
"Yes. I don't. Go away. Please."
Grace sighed, and dragged Rachel out.
"We shouldn't have left her," Rachel mumbled, heading down the stairs for dinner. "What if she kills herself or something?" Grace knew she was only half-joking.
"I think," Grace said sadly, "that we'll never really know what happened between them. Maybe it's a good thing?" she asked softly as they watched James sprint upstairs, slipping when the staircase became a slide. He managed to reach up there though, to their surprise.
"Yeah. If we knew, we might tear him to shreds…" Rachel agreed. "Poor Lily. Out of all of us, she was always the least violent." She cast a look at Grace, who was giggling. "Ok, so maybe you are, and maybe you wouldn't tear the asshole to shreds. But I would!"
Back upstairs, James was holding Lily's wrists as she tried to pummel him. He wasn't exactly straining, but to him, her tears were more hurtful than her closed fists.
"Lily, please…" he begged.
"I hate you!" she yelled, wrenching herself from his grasp. "I do! I hate everything you do to me, you know that? I hate how I want to die because some bimbo spread her legs for you! I hate how I'm not even sure I blame you for it! I hate how I blame myself, because I'm obviously not enough." She'd stopped sobbing by now-you could only go for so long before you got dehydrated-but she was still crying quietly.
"You were-are-enough, Lils," James sighed, his heart dropping with each word. "I was stupid."
"Am," she corrected, lying down on her bed. "That's present tense. You always have been and always will be a bloody idiot. Always. And in my eyes even worse."
"I deserve that," he gulped.
"You deserve worse."
"I don't deserve you."
"You don't. Lucky for you, you don't have me anymore."
"Lily-"
"Shut up and get out," she interrupted. She sounded stuffy, and her eyes were so swollen she felt that she'd never be able to close her eyes.
"Lily, we need to talk," James said more forcefully. "Let me tell you what happened."
"I'm not blind, Potter. I know what happened," she said coldly. "Please get out."
James didn't move for a moment, but eventually moved for the door. "Eventually, Lils, you're going to have to talk to me. And when that day comes, I'm going to keep telling you what I'm going to tell you now: I love you."
The thing he heard was the sound of a vase smashing against the door, where James's head had been just seconds before.
"Don't call me Lils," she whispered, a tear slipping down her nose.
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-Present Time-
"You're joking? That's what he did?" Rachel shrieked, jumping out of her chair. "You even forgave him?!"
"Why, thank you, Rachel," James said dryly. "It's an honor to know that you'll back me one-hundred and two percent."
"Fuck off, you wanker!" Rachel spat. "You're useless, you know?"
"Rachel, shut up," Grace sighed, rubbing her temples. "Lils forgave him, that's what matters."
"And just look at where that got her-in danger of dying and possibly pregnant!" Rachel said exasperatedly.
"I'm not pregnant, Rachel," Lily rolled her eyes.
"You could be! You two just shagged. Didn't you?"
"Rachel, shut up before I shut you up," Lily growled. "I didn't tell you guys the story so that you could all gang up on James. And don't think I don't see you over there, Sirius, with that homicidal look in your eyes."
"You're disgusting. She was your girlfriend! And with Lorena di Maya, of all the women, you chose her?" Sirius gasped. "My Lord, I'd take Lily over Rachel some days!"
"Usually around the time when I'm PMSing…" Rachel snickered.
"Let it go," Lily said harshly. "That's not why I told you guys."
"They're right, of course," James shrugged. "I am disgusting. Wow, I didn't know your little diary there was so very… vehement. Very descriptive."
"So why'd you take him back?" Grace asked.
"None of your business," James and Lily both replied. The subject was dropped.
"So, what was the point of that?" Remus asked eventually.
"To show you how powerful Voldemort can be," Lily said quietly. "James would never have…"
"In other words, even the oh-so-imperfect James Potter isn't as low as to sleep with someone who isn't his girlfriend. Thanks guys, I know how much trust you put in my character," he snorted.
"Forget this, I want to party. Club, anyone?" Rachel said, jumping up, always the party girl…
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-A/N: Oh guys, I'm sorry! But I've been just as unfaithful to my other stories! Thank you to everyone! Please read and review, sorry for any typos, but I've been in front of this computer typing for too long to bother editing it. I'm usually pretty good about things like that, and I hardly spell check anyway, so nothing new.
Oh, yeah! LMAO, yes, I KNOW I got the quadratic formula wrong! I'm sorry guys, I didn't mean to, but I couldn't remember it. On the bright side, my people in Algebra corrected me: x= the opposite of b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus 4 times a times c over two times a. Lol. Great, huh? BUT I'm glad that my readers aren't idiots! W00t w00t for all of ya'll!
Ok, as for the reason why James gave Lily the necklace… Basically because he felt like it and couldn't be bothered to give it to anyone else. Stupid? Yeah, sorry. But it seemed like an ok idea when I first thought of it…
Thank you all for reviewing, sorry that I can't give personal replies. But I do really appreciate it!
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