Summary: Six months after Graduation Harry is stuck in his memories, and stuck in his sorrow...
Disclaimer: Harry and his world are JK Rowlings, and the song is Dave Matthews Band, I don't own anything....
A/N: This is a song-fic. Don't run away screaming just yet. I hope it doesn't suck terribly, but if it does, (As Hagrid would say) 'Sorry 'bout tha'.
If I Had It All
Sometimes I can't move my feet it seems
As if I'm stuck in the ground somehow like a tree
As if I can't even breathe
Oh, and my screams come whispering out
Harry sat alone, as he often did, staring out the window of his bedroom. Although just barely midday, it was dark. The
sun, like his heart was veiled behind the clouds. The house of number 12 Grimmauld Place was empty right now, his
roommate, Ron, would be back sometime after dark, his Quidditch Practice often keeping him longer than that. He and Ron
had moved in right after Graduation, right after Voldemort's defeat, right after she left....
Harry felt a tear roll down his cheek and he didn't bother to whip it away, another would soon replace it.
He and Ron had lived there a little over six months now, and he still felt the pain as if it were yesterday. He closed his eyes as the memories rushed over him, and the tears came crashing down..
As if nobody can even see me
Like a ghost, sometimes I can't see myself
Sometimes, then again, oh
The Graduation Ball was in full swing. Harry had finally been brought onto the dance floor by Hermione his
'date'. They had decided to go as friends, neither wanting to find a date. 'If she only knew.' Harry
thought to himself as they danced. The butterflies in his stomach were making him nauseous, so much so that he had a
fleeting thought of running as fast as possible from the dance floor. He looked over to Ron dancing with his girlfriend
Luna, the two of them holding each other close. Ron caught his eye and winked, giving him a thumbs up behind Luna's
back, his meaning clear, 'Go for it mate.' Harry smiled slightly and nodded. 'Well here goes nothing.'
Harry thought to himself.
"Would you like to take a walk? It's kind of warm in here." Harry said softly to Hermione. She had on a soft green dress, making her even more beautiful to Harry, something he was quite sure should have been impossible.
She looked up and smiled, "Sure, it is a little warm in here."
Harry smiled back to hide his nervousness and nodded. The two walked out of the Great Hall and down the hall out of the school. They walked down to the lake, near their favorite tree, silently. Stopping in front of the water's edge, Harry turned to Hermione.
"Is something wrong Harry?" She asked softly.
"No, no nothing wrong," Harry said quickly, "or well there could be something wrong, depends on how you look at it." 'Oh brilliant Potter, that a way to tell her, you fucking pillock.' a voice in Harry's head said, sounding suspiciously like Draco Malfoy.
Hermione looked at him confused, "What is it Harry?"
'Here we go..' Harry thought to himself as he began speaking, "Well it's like this," his voice was soft and trembling, "you are my best friend, and you mean more to me than I could ever possibly explain to you."
Hermione smiled, "Your my best friend too Harry."
"But that's not all," Harry said, "your not only my friend. Your the one person in my life who has always stood by me, your the one I trust above all others, the one I care about above all others, yours is the opinion I value, no one elses. Your not just my friend Hermione."
Hermione's smile faulted, "What...what do you mean?"
"I mean," Harry said softly, "that I love you. I am in love with you."
Hermione's eyes widened in shock. Silence rang supreme by the Great Lake, the only sound the wind whipping over the water.
'Oh god,' Harry thought, 'she hates me.'
"If you could say something here that would be great." Harry said softly.
Tears were pooling in Hermione's eyes as she spoke, "I...I'm sorry Harry, I didn't know. But.."
Harry finished for her, his own tears welling in his eyes, "But you don't feel like that for me."
Hermione nodded slightly and Harry sighed, not caring to hide the tears coming down his face, he thought she might could hear his heart shattering as bad as he felt it.
She spoke softly, "Harry you are the most caring, courageous person I have ever met. And I do love you, i just can't love you like that, not now. I'm leaving after graduation, i'm going to America."
Harry's eyes widened as his vision became more obscured, "What...what do you mean?"
"I've been offered a position at a Healing Institution there, the position is not usually offered to someone my age, but they said with my continual high scores in school that they felt I could do a good job. I..I couldn't say no."
Harry's sorrow was quickly replaced by anger, "And you weren't going to tell me?"
"Yes Harry," Hermione began as her own tears fell down her cheeks, "I was going to tell you, but amid Voldemort and the war and graduation and NEWTS, I didn't ever find the right time."
Harry closed his eyes and his anger once again gave way to his sorrow.
"I...I'm sorry Harry." Hermione said through her tears as she turned to run back to the castle.
Harry felt his knees give way as he fell to the ground. "So am I 'Mione, So am I."
If I were a king
If I had everything
If I had you and I could give you your dreams
If I were giant-sized, on top of it all
Then tell me what in the world would I sing for
If I had it all
It was graduation day, supposedly the happiest day of his young life, and it was, it really was. The sun shone brightly
over the Quidditch Pitch. The erected stands on the ground were filled with overjoyed family and friends. Voldemort had
just been defeated, by Harry's own hand, and his speech as Head Boy had gone off without a hitch. Despite all of
that, he hadn't smiled all day. Next to him sat the Head Girl, his best friend Hermione Granger, and the reason he
had yet to smile all day. Just the night before he bared his heart to her, and she had shattered it with her bare
hands. He had yet to even speak to her, only catching her eyes once, looking quickly away at her sign of pity.
Something Harry had been given all his life, something he couldn't bare to receive from her.
"I give you the graduating class of 1998." Albus Dumbledore's voice brought Harry from his daze as the students rose as one to cheer.
He met the Weasley's on the field, trying his best to smile as Molly and Arthur hugged him.
"You three get together, I want a picture." Mrs. Weasely said to Harry, Hermione, and Ron.
Ron moved to Hermione's right side and Harry had little choice but to move to her left. She wrapped her arm around him for the picture, and he felt his heart breaking all over again. Once the picture was taken he quickly ran from the field, hoping to hide his tears.
"Where's he going Ron?" Mrs. Weasely asked concerned. Ron's eyes flickered to Hermione for a brief moment.
"He's running." Ron said quietly. Mrs. Weasely seemed confused for a moment until she noticed the look on Hermione's face. She realized what had happened, knowing full well the love Harry had for Hermione.
She glanced off in the direction Harry had ran and thought to herself, 'That poor boy, will he ever get any happiness in his life?'
Sometimes I feel lost
As I pull you out like strings of memories
Wish I could weave them into you
Then I could figure the whole damn puzzle out
Then again, oh
And if I were a king
If I had everything
If I had you and I could give you your dreams
If I were giant-sized, on top of it all
Then tell me what in the world would I go on for
If I had it all
A door slamming brought Harry out of his memories. He noticed it was dark now, Ron must be home. He did not surprise
himself at the time he had spent in his memories, he was used to it. Harry did his best to clean his face off in the
bathroom before going downstairs.
He saw Ron standing near the door, sorting the post. His practice robes wet and dingy from practice. "Hey mate." Harry said, trying as best he could to appear normal.
He should have known he wouldn't be able to fool Ron.
Ron's face dropped when he saw Harry. "Hey what's up?"
"Not much. You hungry?" Harry said, still trying like hell to appear non chalant.
"Of course." Ron said with a smile. "You wanna go out and get something?"
"Nah, I'd rather eat here if it's ok with you." Harry said.
Ron sighed, "You have to go out sometime Harry. You can't hide in here forever."
Harry appeared indignant, "I do go out. I go out all the damn time."
"No," Ron began quietly, "You go out on Sunday for a walk, and you go out on Tuesday to get groceries. Then sometimes you go out on Friday with me, Luna, Neville, and Ginny. Other than that, you don't go out."
Harry's face fell, "I know."
"You have to get over this Harry, it's been almost six months." Ron said quietly.
"I know." Harry said again, "It's just hard is all."
"I know it is mate," Ron replied, "But you have to move on. I mean, she's only written twice since she got there Harry, she's gone."
Harry felt his eyes prickle at Ron's mention of Hermoine. Ron noticed, and cursed Hermoine in his mind, not for the first time, for hurting his friend like this. He had known full well that both of his friends loved each other, and he also knew full well why Hermoine had turned down Harry. 'Stupid bloody fucking thinking too much...' He grumbled to himself.
Ron sighed, "So want are you cooking?"
Harry smiled at his friend's attempts to get Hermoine off his mind as he began to rattle off ideas for dinner.
I could take anything
If I had no greed to bring
Only the poison that's tainting the clean
Oh, then nothing
Remembering times much younger than me now
When my breath was light
When the world raised me up kind
And here mother comforts child
Every moment was waking up
But now I've grown tired... out
If I had it all, you know
I'd fuck it up
Harry lie awake later that night in his bed, willing sleep to come. He had only been lying there for two hours, so he knew it would be many more before sleep finally claimed him. He knew in his mind that he needed to move on, that he needed to let go, but his heart was somewhat difficult to convince. He sighed to himself as he got out of bed. He moved to the couch he had placed by the bay windows and stared out at the now clear sky. The moon was full, casting it's pale glow on the world. Harry sighed to himself. Here he was, 18 years old, living in what some would consider a grand house. He had more money than he could count, was a world famous vanquisher of evil, and he would trade it all for one moment with her. 'How sad,' Harry thought as he looked to the moon, 'How very sad.'
Little did he know that a few thousand miles away, in a small apartment, a young woman was looking at the same moon, feeling the same pain, and crying the same tears...
If I were a king
If I had everything
If I had you and I could give you your dreams
If I were giant-sized, on top of it all
Then tell me what in the world would I sing for...
If I were a king
If I had everything, piece by piece
If I had you if i could give you your dreams
If I were giant-sized, on top of it all
Then tell me what in the world would I go on for
If I had it all