A/N: Well I'm sure that most of you are wondering where I have been and why I haven't updated in Oh 5 months. Well first of all my life has become pretty crazy. I was in California for what was suppose to be a 5 day trip for work which turn into a 3 week trip. So that screwed me up for about a month will all the time changes. Then real life just hasn't given me time to write. With college classes I was taking, trying to take care of 4 kids while learning a new job to work at while the kids were at school, turning 22 and having a good birthday this year (My great aunt died on my birthday last year). Add in the fact that I think that my writing muse ran away from me for about a month and a half and I just couldn't bring myself to write anything. But over the last week I was finally able to write again.
I am going to warn you that I don't know when the next chapter will be out. I have two trips coming up and I'm not sure when I'll be able to write. I'll be in Germany for 6 weeks starting at the beginning of June to only come home to go to Las Vegas a week later for Lumos (if any of you are going to be there let me know) I can only hope I'll be able to write on the plane rides.
That being said the rating for this chapter is high PG-13. Nothing really graphic but there is implied. I hope you all like it and please leave a review cause I do try and answer them all and I love hearing what you guys think.
And I just came to realize that I have been writing this for a year. Wow time flies.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did I would have money. But the story line is mine ;D
Chapter 8
Harry's Nightmare
Hermione decided that she loved sleeping this close to Harry. She had woken about five minutes before and had just laid there enjoying the proximity without having to care about the outside world.
As much as she didn't want to move she knew that she and Harry would have to get up soon. Slowly she turned her head to look up at her Harry.
Hermione discovered that she also loved to look at a sleeping Harry. She had found this out a week ago when one morning she spent almost an hour watching him sleep. She wasn't sure what it was about watching him like this that she found so delightful but she did keep coming back for more.
"You're watching me again." A tired voice said.
Hermione could feel her face blush ten times red as she buried her face in his chest.
"Sorry I didn't know you were awake."
"Oh I don't mind. I've gotten quite used to you watching me when you think I'm asleep in the morning."
Hermione's head shot up. "You knew!?"
Harry blushed slightly. "Well yes, but that's because I tend to be watching you before you turn to look at me."
Hermione knew that at this point her face was as red as an apple. But a part of her couldn't help but smile that he was watching her as she had been watching him.
"You watch me while I sleep?"
"I'm always watching you."
Hermione launched herself at him. Her arms wrapping around him as she hugged him close to her.
As she felt his arms wrap around her and pull her closer to him. It was that small movement when she knew without a doubt.
"I love you Harry." Hermione whispered into his ear before kissing him lightly under it.
For a moment Hermione didn't feel Harry move and she worried that maybe shouldn't have said anything. But as quickly as the thought came to her did she feel Harry flip her on her back with him hovering over her.
"Really?"
It took her a moment to realize that he had questioned her declaration.
"Well … yes."
"Oh God Hermione," Harry sighed before kissing her cheek, nose, forehead and right before his pressed his lips to hers. "I've loved you always."
Hermione was barely able to take a breath before his lips were on hers and she couldn't help but think that even breathing wasn't as important when Harry kissed her.
She also found that she loved running her hands through his hair as well as down his bare back, feeling his skin and the muscles that hid underneath.
Harry moved himself so he was pressing her further down into the mattress with his weight. It was an amazing feeling to her, his body on top of hers, his tongue massaging hers, his hand rubbing her bare skin at her waist.
Hermione wondered how he was able to pull up her nightgown without her knowing. But then as his hand made slow soothing circles on her skin she didn't care.
On instinct Hermione felt her legs separate and Harry's hips come crashing into hers. As soon as they connected she felt the bump of his manhood. No sooner had she felt it did Harry sit up and move away from her.
"Harry?"
"I'm sorry."
"But Harry"
"We should get ready. Everyone will be downstairs by now."
With that Harry got up and walked quickly to his washroom.
Hermione waited a few moments before she too got up and walked to her washroom. As she closed the door she felt the tears start to fall down her cheeks.
Why didn't he want to be with her? He said that he loved her but every time they would get close he would pull away.
She cried as Winky helped dress her and do her hair. She was finally able to stop her tears and cleaned her face before leaving the safety of the washroom.
When she entered back into their bedroom she found it empty as well as Harry's washroom.
After taking a moment to gather herself she slowly made her was down to the dining room. To find it full of people, including her husband.
She watched as Harry continued to talk to Ron and refuse to look at her as she sat down. Luna and Ginny tried to engage her in conversation but she didn't feel like talking.
Hermione started to wonder if Grandfather Potter would do what he swore he would do last night because as it seemed this morning Harry didn't want to have anything to do with her that way.
She felt the tears start to well but before they could fall Dobby appeared.
"Mister Potter Mister Black is here to see you. He says you not see him last night."
"Send him in Dobby." Harry said as he stood up from the table.
Hermione watched as a man slightly taller then Harry walk into the room and embrace her husband.
"Harry you're looking good. I haven't seen you since you were a single man. Ah Hermione I haven't seen you since you were a little girl. Come let me see you."
Hermione stood and walked over to Mister Black. He immediately pulled her into a hug before pulling back and looking her over.
"I always knew you would grow into a beautiful woman. I'm Sirius Black by the way - Harry's Godfather. How are you?"
"I'm fine, thank you. We didn't see you last night."
"Ah yes. Well I ended up getting in a little late and you had left felling ill. But as I look at you seem much better, yes?"
"Oh yes I think it was something I had eaten last night that didn't sit well with me."
Hermione saw Harry shift at the mention of them leaving early the night before.
"Yes well it's good to see you are feeling better. If you all don't mind I need to steal Harry away for a bit. It's good seeing you again Hermione."
With that Harry and Sirius left the dining room. She was able to see them enter the library before she returned to her seat.
"Hermione are you feeling alright?" Luna asked as she sat.
"I'm fine thank you Luna."
"Well what shall we do with ourselves today?" Ginny asked the group.
"I was thinking of taking a long walk around the grounds." Victoria said as she wiped Arthur's mouth.
"I think that sounds like a lovely idea!" Alicia exclaimed.
"Hermione will you be joining us?" Luna asked her quietly.
"I'm still not feeling that well. I think I'll stay here, thank you though. If you'll excuse me I'm not as hungry as I thought I was."
Hermione quickly got up from her seat at the table and left the room. As she walked toward the library she wondered just what she thought she was going to do. Go running in there and demand that Harry tell her what's going on and why he doesn't seem to want to touch her. No, she knew that she couldn't do that.
But she could find out what they were talking about. Hermione stood in front of the secret door for a minute trying to decide if she really wanted to do this. But when she heard the others start to leave the dining room she knew she had to do something.
Hermione quickly entered the hidden room to hear the sound of Harry talking.
"Sirius I don't know what to do! Last night after what Grandfather said to her. I know what I have to do but I just, I not sure." Harry said before he flopped down in a chair.
"Well Harry I'm not sure what to tell you. I've known you Grandfather a long time and I would like to say that I'm shocked at what he did last night but in the last few years he's changed quite a bit."
"It's because he blames me."
"No Harry! No one blames you. You should know that by now."
"I can't help it Sirius. You didn't see what I saw. You didn't stand there and do nothing."
"Is that what this is about? Is that why you haven't made love to your wife?"
Hermione felt herself blush as she watched Harry's head snap up.
"You don't know that for sure."
Hermione suddenly felt like she shouldn't be watching this. The part of her that wanted to know so badly didn't want to be here for this talk.
Slowly Hermione made her way out of the room and ran as fast as her legs could carry her to her bedroom. She threw herself on the bed as she felt hot tears falling from her eyes onto her pillow.
Hermione wasn't sure how long she was there but it was only when she felt a comforting hand on her back did she look up to see Luna's bright blue eyes staring back at her.
"Hermione what's wrong?"
Slowly Hermione sat up to look at both Luna and Ginny. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she started telling them everything. From being told that she in an arranged marriage to what happened when Harry walked away from her this morning.
"I-I just want to know why he doesn't want me." Hermione sobbed into Ginny's shoulder.
"Hermione you mean to tell us that you and Harry have never been together? Never made love?" Luna asked as she rubbed Hermione's back.
"We've come close but every time he pulls away." Hermione said as she sat up. "At first he said it was because he wanted to make sure that I was ready but then I told him I was and he still pulls away from me."
Hermione could almost feel Luna and Ginny look around her and at each other.
"Hermione have you read the book that Ginny and I gave you?"
"Yes." Hermione said with a blush.
"All of it?" Ginny asked.
Hermione felt the blush on her cheeks deepen. "Yes."
"Well maybe you should use some of that to help Harry out."
"But I couldn't my mother-"
"Your mother doesn't know everything. And from the sound of it I wouldn't take anything she has told you for a grain of salt." Ginny huffed.
"Maybe you should just walk around your bedroom naked. That always works with Ronald." Luna said somewhat off handedly.
"Luna I'm not sure if I speaking just for myself or for Hermione as well but I don't need to know that about my brother."
Hermione nodded in agreement with Ginny but couldn't help but think that Luna had a point. She knew that most men had a reaction to a nude woman. Her mother had told her that much and the book that Luna and Ginny gave her confirmed it with out a doubt.
"I guess that could work."
"Or you could always leave the book open on the bed." Luna added.
"Yes that's true too. Look we've been up here for awhile we should head back downstairs and join up with everyone else."
Hermione nodded as she and Luna stood to join Ginny before heading downstairs.
The rest of the day Hermione spent talking with the Weasley women without seeing much of her husband. It was only when it was time for dinner that Harry seemed to show up.
Hermione kept trying to catch his eye but nothing she did seemed to work. Finally she gave up. It was too much. She was tired and her husband deciding that he would rather watch the paint on the wall than look at her did her in.
"If you will all excuse me I'm not feeling too well and think I will turn in early. Goodnight."
Hermione heard a few of the people say goodnight to her but she couldn't help but notice that Harry wasn't one of them.
As quickly as she could Hermione made her way to her room. She was angry as she started pulling off the dress she was wearing as well as everything else she wore. Leaving herself naked.
Hermione stood there for several moments before grabbing her undergarments and hastily put them back on. She wasn't ready to be nude in front of him. Not until he made the first move.
After climbing into the bed Hermione noticed that she wasn't tired. So she laid there, hoping that Harry would come up to check up on her. But as the minutes and then the hours past she knew he would only come up when he, himself was ready for bed.
Almost two hours after she had gotten into bed, did Harry come into their room. Hermione closed her eyes as soon as she heard to door open. She didn't want to have to deal with anything he had to say to her.
Hermione listened as Harry walked around the room getting himself ready for bed and then climb into bed beside her. At first it seemed that he was going to stay on his side of the bed. But to Hermione dismay Harry moved to wrap his arm around her waist like he did on most other nights.
It was that little act that made something in Hermione snap. She pushed Harry's arm off her.
"I didn't know you were awake."
"Well maybe if you had checked in on me earlier I wouldn't be. Maybe if you would have talked to me at all today I wouldn't be."
"Hermione what's wrong?"
"You!"
"Me?"
Hermione sat up in a huff to look at Harry.
"You tell me you love me and just when I think that we could be together you pull away and then seem to not be able to look or talk to me after. Then after leaving the dinner table saying that I'm ill you do nothing. You didn't even tell me goodnight. Then you come to bed and think that you can hold me like that? You can not have it both ways. I'm not a whore I'm your wife."
Hermione watched as Harry got out of bed and walked over to the window, looking out.
"It that what you think of me, do you think I see you as a whore?" Harry spat back at her.
"I don't know what else to think."
"Hermione I…"
To Hermione it seemed that Harry didn't know how to counter what she said. Slowly she got from bed and walked over to Harry. When she got to him she placed her hand on his shoulder to turn him around.
She had so many thoughts running through her head. So many things that she wanted to say. Instead she simply took his hand and used it to push the strap of her undergarment top then proceeded to do the same with on the other side.
Hermione released his hand so she could pull her arms out of them and let the garment rest on her hips. She watched as Harry's eyes stared into hers refusing to look down at her newly revealed body.
After a minute passed and Harry still did nothing Hermione quickly started covering herself up. He didn't want her. It was easy for Hermione to see that now. He just lied to her to make her feel better this morning.
Hermione turned and started walking away from Harry as fast as she could. She didn't get far before Harry grabbed hold of her arm.
"Just let me go Harry." She pleaded as she tugged her arm.
"No Hermione I need to talk to you, please."
Harry pulled on her arm harder until she ended up pressed against his chest.
"You don't need to make me feel better by lying to me Harry. If you don't want me then you don't want me. Just don't lie to me. You made me fall in love with you and now I have to deal with the fact that you don't feel the same." Hermione whispered.
"God Hermione, I do want you. I do love you." Harry said his arms tightening around her.
"Then why won't you be with me?"
Hermione felt Harry sigh into her hair. "I do want to be with you Hermione. More then you know."
"Then why didn't you look at me?"
"Because if I did I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."
"But I don't want you to stop yourself."
"I know, but there are things I need to tell you first. Things that may change the way you think of me."
"That will not happen."
"I do not want to take that chance. Not with you, not with your heart or your body."
"Then tell me."
"No not tonight."
Hermione pulled back from Harry to look up at his face. He looked scared and lost all at once.
"Tell me now. I want to know. Please Harry."
Harry turned away from her and walked back to his place in front of the window. Hermione made a move to go back to bed when Harry's voice stopped her.
"It was three years ago. The war had gone from bad to worse. No one was safe. The Diggorys had just been attacked and killed. My mother, father, sister and myself had moved into the main house almost a year before for our own safety. The Weasleys, Lovegoods, and Longbottoms had also moved in there with us. It was safer that way, more adults to fight if they were to attack.
"It was Halloween. It was the first time in years that we didn't have a ball. It just wasn't safe. We heard one of the safety wards go off. Our parents put all of the children in one room at the far end of the house.
"But I didn't think that was far. I was 15; I was old enough to fight. So when none of the others were looking I snuck out. I didn't know that Emily saw me. I didn't know that she followed me. I didn't know until I was two floors down and half a hallway away from our room.
"I told her to go back to the room. That it wasn't safe for her to be out, she wasn't good enough with spells yet. She told me that she wouldn't go back with out me. We didn't know that we weren't alone in the hall until it was too late.
"They grabbed Emily and myself and dragged us into a room. They threw us into a corner. I put myself in front of Emily. But it didn't help. They pushed me out of the way and dragged her across the room by her hair. She fought them. But she just wasn't strong enough.
"They said things about her. About her body before they started ripping off her dress. I tried to get to her to stop them but I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough either. I heard her scream as they took her innocence, as they took turns, as they hit her.
"It only stopped when the door opened. At first I thought it was help. I thought that my parents had found us and were going to save us. But I was wrong. It was Voldemort. He saw what they did to Emily and laughed.
"I wanted to kill him. Kill all of them. But I couldn't. I didn't have my wand. But I watched as he pulled out a knife and carved into her forehead and then again as he stabbed her in the heart.
"I watched as he licked the blade of blood before coming over to stand in front of me. He said something but I couldn't hear him. I could only watch as the blood poured from Emily chest. It wasn't until I felt him carving into my own forehead did something inside of me snap.
"I'm still not sure what happened. I know I was standing there with Voldemort in front of me then a bright light filled the room and I could hear all of them screaming in pain. When the light went away they were all lying on the floor dead. But that didn't stop me from picking up the knife from Voldemort's hand and stabbing him until my arm couldn't any longer.
"It started getting hard for me to see. The blood from the cut was dripping in my eye. But I made it to where Emily was and I tried to cover her up the best I could and I held her. Hoping that maybe, maybe she was still alive.
"She wasn't. I knew she wasn't. My father, grandfather and Sirius found us. Sirius had to drag me away from Emily. My mother and grandmother were coming down the hall when I was finally pulled from the room. They both started crying when they saw me. I was covered in blood. But it was when my father came out with Emily's body did they both collapse.
"We buried Emily three days later and then we buried my grandmother two months after that. You wonder why my grandfather wants us to have a child so badly. It's because he blames me for their deaths. He thinks that if I had stayed in the room like I was told that they would both be alive."
Hermione gasped as she stood up from the chair she had been sitting in. She wasn't sure when she had moved from standing by the bed to sitting in the chair, but she was glad that she had been sitting down.
"That's why I haven't made love to you. I was afraid that after you found out you wouldn't want to be with a man who killed both his sister and his grandmother."
"Harry." Was all Hermione was able to get out before she launched herself at him, holding him as tightly as she could. "You didn't kill them. You didn't. And I will always love you. Nothing will ever change that."
"I'm afraid to hurt you like they did to Emily." Harry whispered into her hair.
Hermione could swear that she heard her own heart break a little at his words.
"You won't because I love you and you love me."
She felt Harry shudder against her before she felt his tears start to land on her skin. Hermione pulled back from Harry enough to kiss him lightly on the lips before pulling him back to the bed.
Once they were under the covers Hermione placed Harry's head on her chest and stroked his hair as he cried himself to sleep.
As she felt his breathing even out Hermione swore to herself that she would protect him as best she could from his own memories. Slowly Hermione felt herself start to fall to sleep to the sounds of Harry's slow and shallow breaths.
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