Not Just That
She cried herself out of tears. Why not? An accepting shoulder and no one to watch. She may not get a chance like this for a long, long time. And then it occurred to her, that she didn't consider Draco someone "watching." Meaning she trusted him to not exploit her vulnerability. Interesting turn of events. He trusted her on "instinct" and for some reason, she returned the feeling.
When she was done, she rested in his arms a moment longer than needed. It felt nice to feel safe, feel taken care of, and be wrapped in someone's arms. He let her stay, but when she pulled away, he didn't try to pull her back. She found herself wishing he had. Sometimes reality was just too hard to face. But she would do what she must, just as she had always.
She began to speak, but Draco pressed his fingers against her mouth, stopped her, then whispered in her ear. "Listen to the things you can hear in the silence. The silence will let your thoughts run and you will think things that you could have never thought of anywhere else. It can help you in times like this."
So they stood together, yet in their own worlds, listening to the silence. Nevra's thoughts slowly ran in a clear stream. Draco is crazy…listen to the silence? What is he talking about? I wonder why he let me cry on his shoulder. Pansy was definitely in love with him. Blaise warned me not to fall in love with him. Is that what this is? Am I falling in love with the Heir to the Dark Lord? With Draco Malfoy?
Draco broke the silence at last. "Harder than it looks, to let a person die for you, eh, Nevra?" Draco asked, his eyes dry as ever but still soft with emotion. She looked into them, searching. This was the first time he seemed to have truly given up his guard, let her in to his feelings. But she wasn't fooled. He would be ready to attack as ever, his magical barriers strong as ever.
She stepped away from him in order to talk without thinking of his hot breath against her ear, of the muscles in his arms gripping her round the waist firmly. "Yes. I shouldn't have yelled at you about Pansy. I had no idea what it was like."
He smiled. "No, I deserved it. I needed it." He glanced down at his feet, and voice slightly shaking, said, "I think that it's the kind of thing Pansy would have done."
"You know I am not trying to take her place. She - she seemed like a sister to you. I don't need that. I don't want that kind of closeness."
"You're going to have to get used to it. Because the Trio is bound by something stronger than just pure spell work. It's bound by the fact that we share our problems, our enemies, nearly everything in our lives."
She smiled. "I am not the same person as Pansy. Nevertheless, I have my strengths and my weaknesses just as she did. And I will be loyal to our cause. I will do my share as part of the Trio."
He smiled back…the first time she had ever seen him smile…really, smile, with true emotion. "I know. And you know, the hurt isn't just fading, it seems to be growing less. Over Pansy."
"She died for a cause. That in itself makes it easier. She loved you…you and Blaise both. That makes it bearable. The hurt does grow less, but that doesn't mean the memories do. You will always have those…and they will make life worth living."
Draco looked at her carefully. "How do you know all this? I don't remember any Weasleys dying recently. No offense meant. There's just so many of you." He said half-teasing.
She smiled, acknowledging the jibe as what it was…not the insult it would have been when they were kids at Hogwarts. "You know Voldemort was inside my head my first year." She didn't wait for an answer…it wasn't a question. "In truth, he was closer to me than my own blood, because he knew what I thought every second of the day. He knew my every feeling, emotion, longing, desire. I hated him for being able to control me, but I loved him deeper than I've ever loved anyone. I know that all he did was manipulate me. But when he was gone - the diary destroyed - I missed him. Like someone had taken my heart away. That's how I know how it feels to lose someone."
Draco looked at her with horror. "Nevra, he can't feel anything. He doesn't care about anything anymore. Sometimes I don't even think his own life. He just cares about changing the world to fit his vision. His awful, evil vision. One that would destroy anything good in magic. One that would bring magic to destroy itself eventually."
She looked at him helplessly. "I know. It's hard to understand. When someone gets that close to you, you can't help but get attached if you're human. I am…Voldemort isn't. But when he was just Tom Riddle, he was. He was just a boy who shared my dreams and my thoughts. Even helped me in little ways. He got me through my first year…even if it was only to use me for his plans."
"Does he know about this bond?"
Ginny smiled wryly. "He'd use it to use me. And I can't let that happen. Because even though my memories of that time weren't bad…were good, even, I know that he is evil. That he can't feel…maybe even that he isn't human anymore. No, I'd be giving my own death sentence if he ever found out. And now you, his Heir, know. Kind of ironic."
He reached out and touched her hand - only for an instant - as if scared to hold on any longer. "Nevra, our bond binds my loyalty to you and Blaise above any other."
"But it isn't just that." He glanced at her in surprise when she said this.
Denying Love
"It's more than that. I trust you more than I trust Blaise. And you haven't given me reason to do that. I just do." She hesitated…looked up again at his still-soft eyes and took a deep breath. "Remember Blaise told me something and you woke up and told me he was right because he was an Empath?" Draco nodded. "He warned me not to fall in love with you. He said that I was already half-way in love, but that I shouldn't let myself fall farther. Because you have a darkness within you that no love can heal."
Draco was strangely hesitant. "Are you saying you love me?" Nevra took a deep breath.
"I don't know. I don't think so." Draco looked strangely downcast. "But I would trust you with everything and anything. You infuriate me, intrigue me, and make me feel just about everything except dislike. You just confuse me, plainly put. But I think that I would fall in love with you if I let myself. But I am not going to."
Draco's eyes turned stormy with pain and then steely with anger. His mask slammed into place, locking his emotions out.
Nevra cried, "No! Draco, you cannot run away from this!"
"What?"
"You can't shut me out and you can't shut your emotions out! This is how relationships work! They are a two-way street!"
"Am I not worth your precious love?"
Nevra sighed exasperatedly. "Draco! The world does NOT revolve around you! This isn't about you anymore! You don't love me, anyway, so what does it matter? Do you just like having women drooling after you?"
He looked strange, tormented almost. "They already do that. But why stop yourself?"
Nevra smiled wistfully. "Because Blaise is right. You do have a darkness within you. I am already struggling with my own Darkness. Yours would swallow me completely. Besides that, me loving you - that would either kill me or kill you. The Dark Side is a dangerous place…one that does not accommodate Love, only Greed and Lust and Ambition. You know that as well as I.
He turned away, his face grim. "I know." There was nothing left to talk about between them. Nevra, to her own horror, began to cry. He turned at the sound of her stifled sobs.
"Oh, Nevra. Don't cry because of me, please. I am not worth that." He said sadly, taking her into his arms.
She growled through her tears, punching him in the chest. "Yes, you are! You are worth it!" She pushed him away before she could feel the longing that said she wanted to stay there forever, wiping hastily at the tears that could seem to stop.
So distracted by that was she, that she didn't look up at Draco's face. If she had, she would have seen the mask gone and seen a broken face, twisted by pain and hurt and sorrow and guilt. She would have seen the tears in those grey eyes as well, finally wetting the eyes that never seemed to cry. Tears that slowly trickled down his cheeks, burning his soul, once she ran into the cottage and slammed the door shut behind her.
Had he not turned away, convinced that he was to be denied everything good in his life, he would have seen Nevra rush out of the cottage, ready to pull him into her arms and beg forgiveness. Ready to give it all away for the love she had always longed for. But he had already gone, and she was left standing outside. Wondering how she could have denied the love that was making her heart pulse with pain…that was ripping her apart inside. The love she would dream of for the rest of her life…the denial she would regret until the day she died.
Obviously, this isn't the end. It was our love that led me to this shoreline. It was the fact that we risked everything for our love. But sometimes I wonder, if I had accepted it on that day, instead of denying it at first, whether we would have been ready. Whether our love would have survived. Whether I would still be standing here thinking about the peace of Death, instead of wrapped up inside the caress of your arms. The only place I truly belong. In Life or Death.
A Slippery Path
Ginny Apparated to her Hogwarts Office, hoping that Draco would come after her, but not catch her. She wished she knew he cared - but it didn't seem like he could. His Darkness truly did separate him from the rest of the Death Eaters, even Voldemort himself.
She bumped straight into a tall man. Only his quick reflexes kept her from tumbling to the ground herself. Finding her balance, she stepped away from the circle of his arms. Then took another step away when she found out who it was. Harry Potter.
"Potter, what are you doing here?" she asked scornfully. "Dumbledore said I was to meet you at the place where you were staying…have the plans changed?"
Harry blushed. "Ginny, I'm sorry. I needed a bandage - I thought you'd be gone for a while longer." Ginny glanced at her desk - the letter to Dumbledore was gone.
"So you decided you would rip up my letter and use it to staunch your wound? I'm sure it's spectacular. Harry, you need lessons in lying - you've never been able to do it well."
"I'm not sure that is a bad thing, you know."
"Oh, it is. I know firsthand. People would have an easier time of it if you lied with a straight face. If they could believe you when you lied. Trust me, I know." He winced at the memories of the time they had lost it all.
"Ginny, you know that -" She cut him off.
"Potter, I am very, very sorry. Dumbledore warned me not to let 'bad blood' in the way of business. And I still brought it up. Well, let's start over. Back to business, right?"
Harry sighed. They would never bridge the rift if they didn't talk. But it didn't look like Ginny was interested anymore. She had changed. She didn't need his approval, or Hermione's or even her own family's. In fact, he didn't think she cared what Dumbledore thought anymore either. To whom her loyalties and affection were, he didn't know. But he would have to find out. "Right. Back to business."
"Oh and don't call me Ginny. Ginevra or anything formal will do."
"Nevra?" She winced.
"NO. That is my…other name." Oh, her Dark name. He understood.
"Ginevra, then. Call me Harry."
"Can't do that, Potter."
"Why not?"
"Makes me want to cry. Old memories, you know." Her eyes dared him to bring up the subject again.
He sighed. It seemed like she would never let him answer for his mistakes. That she had shut him off. "Fine, call me Potter."
"Will do…Potter." Ginny Summoned the Hogwarts floor plans with the attack plan on it from her room. "Accio!"
They sat down across from each other and began to discuss the plan over a table. Yet you could clearly see the space they gave each other. The carefulness of their conversation. Her greatest connection with the side of the Light had truly been broken long ago. But it was now that she accepted it. Accepted that she had no bond to the Light anymore - that she had loyalties for no one except the Trio.
She was treading a slippery path. But it was one she must walk. To save the Light. But for some reason, the Light didn't seem so important anymore. All she could see in her mind was the intent on Draco's - and Blaise's - faces when they conducted the Binding. All she knew was that now, her loyalties came first - to the Dark Trio.