Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters, places, etc. They are the copyright of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury Publishing. I just borrow them for my own entertainment pleasure. The song lyrics at the beginning aren't mine, either-they belong to Crossfade, and are from their song 'Cold'.
Author's Note: Be aware that this first part had been submitted previously here at Portkey, under the title of 'Cold'. I have, however, changed the bit at the end, and made way for a second part, which has a happier-and overall, better-turn-out.
*****
Part One: The Past That Haunts Us
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there's just no hope
I never meant to be so cold
***
"Oh, lighten up, Ginny, it'll be fun!"
Oh, of course it would. It was the biggest party ever planned by the owners of the finest hotel in Scotland, wasn't it? But it was the second time this week Luna had tried to get her to go out for a night on the town, just the girls, and Ginny had refused. They both knew why.
Ginny rolled her eyes, shaking her head and crossing her arms at her chest, "I'm not going, Luna. He's going to be there-I know it. He may be disgraced, but he's still a Malfoy. And I'm sick of him; sick of his stupid games and lies," she fixed her friend with a glare that should have sent a clear message, but she knew Luna wouldn't back down. She really stood up for what she believed, that one, and although that might be considered an amusingly odd-err, good-quality most of the time, it mostly infuriated Ginny.
Luna remained serene, giving her one of those looks she wore most of the time-the kind that gave off the idea that her mind was elsewhere, and smiled, "You should hear what he has to say, at least," she said, "Ronald and I have arguments all the time, and we get over them fairly quickly."
Ginny gaped at her incredulously, "Merlin, Luna, has he ever given you everything you wanted-everything you dreamed of in a relationship, and then just drawn back? Has he ever done that more than once-three times, to be exact? Has he ever ripped your heart to shreds and come back to stamp all over it again?" her eyes threatened to water at her own words, but she held them back, willing herself to be strong about this. She had already decided what must have happened. No need to dwell in the past, even if it hadn't been too long ago.
Silence met her words, and she knew Luna was grasping the gravity of the situation now. After weeks of pointless arguments, she had finally gotten it into her irrationally clouded mind. Ginny allowed herself another glare in her direction.
"No…no, he hasn't," Luna muttered, sighing. She looked at Ginny in the eye finally, and for once, Ginny didn't feel as if her mind was elsewhere. If anything, she felt her friend was painfully concentrating on the problem at hand, and that for once, she wouldn't be vague in her advice, "But really, Gin…try talking to him. See what he has to say. I'm not telling you to forgive him. Just…listen."
"I won't. He's a bloody git and he doesn't deserve to be listened to."
"Do you really mean that?" Luna's voice was soft as she gathered her shoes and her bag, "I don't think you do, Ginny. You love him, and ignoring him might be the biggest mistake you'll ever make."
Ginny remained silent, holding her head low and gazing at a spot on the rug. She didn't want to listen right now. Luna didn't know what she was talking about anyway. She hadn't ever gone through something like this. She hadn't felt such overwhelming longing at the hands of another, but been denied. She hadn't had him a hands breath away, hers for a night of promises and passion, and then snatched away. She hadn't heard his cold words of goodbye, or read his farewell note, so neatly laid on the table. She hadn't been pushed away whenever she tried to bring him back…she hadn't had her feelings hurt more times than she cared to remember, her heart shattered…life completely turned upside down.
She had never felt anything remotely like the misery Ginny was feeling.
She would never understand.
"Do you really want to lose him?" Luna added softly, before shutting the door behind her.
Ginny buried her head in her hands. Had he ever been hers at all? Had he ever truly felt something for her? She had thought he did. She had believed his promises, fallen for his charms so naively…she'd fallen head over heels for him, believing she had found true love at last. They had, after all, known each other for quite some time. Working together at the Ministry, they'd quickly begun to eye each other. Hogwarts was over, wasn't it? The old rivalries were still there, but a few encounters changed it all. They were drawn together, in a silent war that waged between them and their emotions, and she had gone blindly to him.
Blind as could be...she'd never been so enticed by another. Dean turned her down once, and she got over him in less than a week. Harry turned her down in the early years of her crush, and later broke up their long-term relationship in their seventh year, explaining he wanted her to be safe, and that with Voldemort after him she wouldn't be. Ginny never knew if her safety was truly the only reason, or if feelings for Hermione were softly prodding him to do it. Either way, those two got together after they'd left Hogwarts, and Ginny got over him as soon as she saw how happy they were. Sure, she had her rows with him at first, and had pushed them away, but she had matured. Sometimes things just weren't what you wanted them to be.
Her seventh year had been spent as single, so when she left Hogwarts she was ready for someone new. Not necessarily a long lasting relationship…just someone to be with.
Oh, but she had gotten so much more…
Working in the Ministry in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement had been very interesting, particularly since she got to attend several hearings for Mr. Draco Malfoy, after the War had transpired. She had seen another side of him, one that her mind seized to understand. It was a side that was mostly hidden from view; that side she never even thought existed with him. Those emotions that one would think he never felt in his life-regret, sincerity…
It was so hard for her to process that. So very hard to accept that he had changed…but she had always been drawn to what she didn't understand. She had wanted to discover him, to find out whether it was all a beautifully crafted lie, or a painful truth.
Curiosity did kill the cat…
-- FLASHBACK
"I was forced. My father was threatened. He was told that if I didn't follow the Dark Lord's ways, that we would all be killed. He tried to find a way out of it…he's always supported Voldemort, but he didn't want me to go through all that. Said it was more than he had bargained for, that you could never really trust. That every time, when you turned around, you found someone had stabbed you in the back, delivered you to death."
There was a long pause, in which the people up on the stands commented on this, and Ginny just stared at the lone figure sitting so very far away, chained to that chair. Was that really Draco Malfoy? It couldn't be. He never showed such vulnerability…and it was just that low voice he used, the resigned tone it held, that truly made her feel rather shaken.
"But…he couldn't find a way out for any of us. He didn't care if he died, but he didn't want my mother and I to. So, one night, he took me to…to him-the Dark Lord. I couldn't say no then…my family would have died. And, unbelievable as it may seem to you, I do care about them," he added, his tone slightly scornful, but in a grim sort of way. The pain in his voice was very perceptible now, and he was looking up at Amelia Bones with a look Ginny had never seen in his face. It was a look of altogether sincerity and fear that she never thought he could convey, "I know I shouldn't have tortured the Muggles, and I know I shouldn't have killed…but I had to. I couldn't just let my family and I die. Not like that. In my mind, those murders were necessary; they were for our survival. It became a way of life, a means to stay alive."
There was silence for a moment, before Amelia spoke, "Mr. Malfoy…you must understand how hard it is for your story to be accepted. Many Death Eaters before you have lied, said things similar, and have turned out to be liars. Do enlighten us…what should make us believe you?" although her words were harsh and detached, her voice had lost its usual brisk manner. She spoke slowly, as if she were weighing each word carefully.
"I don't know. I've told the truth. I can't add more," he said in a low voice, "I mean, all my life, I have lived in a place that openly treats Muggles and Muggle-Borns as something lower than dirt. And I have not changed in my judgment. I don't consider those people to be as worthy of us wizards. But," he hastened to add, seeing the looks on many of the witches and wizards on the stands, "I do think that The Dark Lord's methods are rather drastic. I don't support torture anymore than I support killing those people. I'm not okay with them, but I might as well live with them. They won't go away, and over the years, I've realized this. I have changed, Madam, whether you believe so or not."
There was a long pause, during which there could only be heard quills frantically scribbling on parchment, and throats being cleared. Several people made noises of incredulousness, while some nodded, as if they had understood Draco's story, and believed it to be true. Ginny herself was in doubt. It was open knowledge that Draco hated Muggles and Muggle-Borns, but whether or not he enjoyed killing and torturing them was unknown to her. She pictured him doing those things, and a part of her continued to insinuate that this was an elaborate scam.
But for some reason, she thought he deserved a chance.
"All those in favor of Mr. Malfoy's conviction, please raise your hands."
Many of the witches and wizards on the stands raised their hands. Ginny counted them quickly, noting that they were exactly twelve hands in the air, out of twenty-five.
"All those in favor of allowing him a minor sentence?"
Many hands raised in the air…twelve of them. Ginny hadn't raised her hand. Madam Bones counted them, a slight frown on her face. She was opening her mouth to speak before Ginny's hand shot in the air. She gave the younger witch a slightly annoyed look, before nodding and turning back to Malfoy.
"Very well. Mr. Malfoy, you are hereby sentenced to six months in Azkaban prison, and twenty-four months of community service at the Ministry afterwards."
Draco slumped in his chair, and he seemed to be letting out a breath. He looked up to meet Ginny's eyes, and she gave him a mere hint of a smile, before returning to her things.
As Madam Bones passed her, she fixed Ginny with a stern look, "Weasley, I am entrusting you to keep him under your watch after he is released from Azkaban."
"Sorry?"
"He is facing twenty-four months of community service by helping at the Ministry. I am assigning you to watch over him. His every move. Make sure he doesn't hear anything he isn't supposed to, and that he doesn't wander off to where it is forbidden for him. I will be holding you partially responsible for any…problems that might arise."
Ginny gave her a helpless look, "But…why me?"
Madam Bones ignored her last question, and walked away, giving her a curt nod as she did so. Ginny merely stood there, feeling dazed, wondering where this was going.
-- END FLASHBACK
Now she knew. She knew and however much she wanted to hate it…she enjoyed it. At first anyway. Now, she only wished this had never happened, that she had never raised her hand in favor of his release. She was now stuck with him, working at the Ministry. Lately she'd merely sent memos as a form of communication, and ignored him, but she knew that couldn't last forever. That blissful, yet tense silence between them could not last for much longer. Either him or her would break it, and the cycle would go on.
Unless she stopped it. Which she would, on Monday. She would speak to Madam Bones and ask her to assign him to someone else. She was prepared to tell her the whole story, if necessary, though she preferred that she didn't have to go to such lengths.
She couldn't take this pain anymore…she didn't know if she had the courage to push him away, just like he'd done to her so many times, but she knew she had to be. She couldn't keep living like this.
"Do you really mean that? I don't think you do, Ginny. You love him, and ignoring him might be the biggest mistake you'll ever make."
Why did Luna have to say those precise words to describe what she felt? Love. It was such a strong word. She thought she loved him. She thought he had loved her. But he didn't, apparently. If she was wrong about what he felt for her, then surely she was wrong about what she felt, right?
She had to be. She couldn't love someone who made her suffer like this.
***
She was just around the corner of the hotel. Never mind the fact that he would be there. She had to get over him somehow, and showing him that she wasn't crying her eyes out-even when she kind of was-would be a great start. She would go and be completely nonchalant about the whole thing. She would act professionally towards him, talk only about work, or unimportant things, and avoid any conversations about…them.
She became more confident, steadily, as she got ready. She took a long shower, bathed herself in a fine scent, and slipped on one of her favorite dress robes. She didn't really prefer dress robes; it was just that, if she truly wanted to pull this whole 'professional' thing, she would have to avoid incurring any physical attraction. The robe was made of a fine, silky, turquoise material. It had a scoop neck in the front, and showed off most of her back, which, compared with most of her clothes, was prim.
She had looked in the mirror, deciding that it looked like something Hermione would wear, which was good.
After choosing her clothes, she had gotten ready fairly quickly. Before she knew it, she was grabbing her purse and preparing to Apparate, her foreboding steadily making her more nervous.
How would he react to seeing her out of the Ministry? It had been so long since their last night out…a month and a half. Odd, to think that she'd gone so long without speaking to him about anything other than work. Maybe she wasn't as weak as she feared she was. Maybe she could do this, after all. Compared to seeing him everyday and work, this would be a piece of cake.
Right?
She turned the corner, seeing Luna waving at her madly from the entrance. She smiled, waved a hello, and walked towards her. They exchanged greetings and went inside. They sat down at a table and made small talk, mostly ignoring the fact that Ginny had been set, not too long ago, on not coming. Much to Ginny's annoyance and curiosity, Luna kept humming an odd tune under her breath whenever they paused speaking. When Ginny asked what it was, she said it was a song she'd made up about Crumple Horned Snorkacks.
"Err…okay…"
"Ronald should be around here somewhere…" Luna said suddenly, craning her neck and standing on tiptoe to look around for him.
Ginny widened her eyes, groaning, "Luna! Weren't we supposed to hang out tonight? You know, flirt with guys and make up stuff about ourselves?"
Luna gave her an apologetic look, "It's thanks to him that we're here. He was invited, being Harry's friend and all, and he asked if I wanted to come along."
"This is just great. Bloody brilliant. Go find him then," she spat, her temper getting the better of her, "Go! I'll just get a drink…" she added, standing up and storming away towards the bar. She didn't know why this upset her so. Maybe because she felt everyone was leaving her nowadays. Whatever the reason was, she wasn't happy.
As she sat down, she noted that he wasn't there. Apparently, this night had been wasted. She had been so sure that he'd be there, just like he'd been all those other nights she had gone out. But maybe he hadn't come so he could avoid her. Maybe he was sick of seeing her glare at him from the distance, and give him short, snappy responses when he spoke to her.
Maybe he'd never really felt anything for her. To him she was just a fling, or someone that he could turn to whenever he found himself without a lover. She hated that. She hated being thought of as nothing, but most of all, she hated feeling something for the person that thought of her in such a way.
How she wished she could fix this whole mess…or forget about it or something. She longed to not be burdened by him and the memories of their time together, by the pain and resentment she felt constantly…she wanted to be free again, happy.
"Ginny."
She froze.
Oh, how her name sounded when he said it…it was like a soft caress. A shiver ran down her spine, and she choked slightly on her drink. She felt her palms become sweaty, her knees weak, and she felt her drink rattling around in her stomach dangerously. She sucked in a soft breath, willing herself to regain her composure, and turned in her chair to face him.
"Oh…hello, Draco," she said, her voice level. She gave him a small smile, taking in the details of her appearance. Wearing long black pants and a green long-sleeved shirt with thin, pale blue stripes, and his hair falling casually over his gray eyes, he looked unbearably-and annoyingly-handsome to Ginny. Maybe it was the lighting, but she felt as if she were looking at him for the first time in days. She hadn't allowed herself this luxury for such a long time…watching him, the way he looked, moved, but mostly, the way he locked his eyes onto hers. The way his eyes looked so deep…she felt she could lose herself in them.
"So…I see you've chucked your usual clothes," he said snidely, taking the seat beside her and raking his eyes over her, "Well, the tiny bits of cloths you used to wear when we were out together."
Ginny suddenly felt herself uncomfortable, "Err…yeah. This is much more…me," she said weakly, looking for an escape.
"Miss prim and proper now? You've taken a leaf out of Granger's book, haven't you?"
"I can wear whatever I want, Malfoy." she snapped suddenly, feeling her temper flare. Hadn't he stopped acting like this so long ago? Sniping at her, taunting her for what she did. It had been so long since he'd been like this. Why did he have to go back to his old, infuriating self again?
There was a pause, in which he sighed and watched her glare at him. When he spoke next, his voice was much lower, and had taken on a softer note, "Can we…can we just talk, Gin? About what happened?" he asked. Ginny had to admit, she admired the way he steered the conversation straight to where he wanted it to go, but she wasn't sure she wanted it to go there already. She wasn't sure at all if she wanted to hear what he wanted to say.
For she knew. She knew that if she listened, she would surely go back into his arms, fall right under his spell. And when that happened, he would hurt her again. It was the way it all worked-they'd been through this before.
And she wasn't going to give in now.
Ginny kept her eyes on his, "I don't think there's anything to talk about. I think it's pretty clear that what he had-if we ever had anything, that is-is over."
"It isn't, Ginny. Please, just hear what I have to say-"
"No. I don't want to. You'll only take me back to where we started, and I'm sick of doing this all the time!" she hissed, "I want to forget about all this, and I can't do that with you stepping all over me again."
"I'm not going to, Gin! I never have! If you would just listen to me, I could explain it all!"
"Go to hell, Draco, I don't want to hear it," she snapped, snatching her bag of the counter and sliding off her chair. Making her way resolutely through the crowd, she tried to walk away from him as fast as possible. It killed her to be like this; to openly deny him anything with her, when she so desperately wanted him. But she had to, and it gave her a strange sense of pleasure to know she had the upper hand.
At least until he grabbed hold of her arm from behind. She whirled to face him, finding herself pressed against him. He raised an eyebrow, giving her that smirk she loathed, and backed away, still not letting go of her arm.
"Let go of me."
"No. Not until you listen to what I have to say, Weasley," he hissed, "I know you want to. It's written all over you. Now will you please just…listen to me?"
Ginny glared up at him, keeping her eyes trained on his as he raised a hand to touch her cheek. His hand was warm, soft, and she loved the way it felt when he ran his fingers across her skin before lowering that hand to the nape of her neck. His other hand released her arm, finding her fingers and twining them with his. Her gaze had, by now, softened, and she looked at him with mingled longing and hate. She hated him for making this so difficult, for making it so difficult for her to reject him. She hated the way he made her anger go away so quickly, with his mere touch…the way he made her appear so weak…the way he made her feel so weak…
"I…" she could find no words. Her thoughts were raving around in her mind, telling her what to do, but her body wouldn't cooperate. It felt numb, frozen in place, until she admitted that she would never be able to reject him, that she'd never be able to truly let him go.
Until she let herself give in again…
He lowered his hand from the nape of her neck, trailing it gently over her shoulders and upper back before leading her outside, away from the crowd. Once they found a secluded corner, he let go of her and sighed, his gaze on the floor.
"I don't know what happened to me."
His words broke the silence, and it took a while for them to sink in. Ginny finally understood what he'd said, and, slowly, she crossed her arms at her chest and nodded as a sign for him to continue.
"There were so many things I thought of, after that first night we were together. I thought that you deserved better than some Death Eater. I thought back on those years at Hogwarts, of how I'd treated you, and I thought you deserved better. Why should you settle for me? Why shouldn't you go with someone else, who was kind to you and hadn't done the things I did?" he said it all in a low, defeated voice, as if he'd been waiting for a long time to say it all, "I didn't trust myself to tell you, and I thought we could both go on with our lives."
Ginny shook her head, "You have to be kidding. Insecurity made you leave me like that?" she didn't realize how cruel her words were until they left her mouth, and she knew she shouldn't have said that in particular.
Draco looked up at her, scowling, "Yeah, and I'm effing sorry. I came back after that, the second time, with the intention of explaining that to you. It wasn't quite so easy, though. You were-and are-so beautiful, Gin. After I saw you, I just couldn't…I forgot why I'd left you in the first place. It just happened again. And this time, it was so hard to leave you again. I felt so different around you…no other girl had ever made me feel like that. I guess I was confused by that…I didn't know what I was feeling."
Ginny rolled her eyes, but remained silent. On the outside, she appeared scornful towards what he said, but inside she was frantically thinking through each and every single word he said, understanding what he was saying, but not really believing it.
"That happened the third time, too. Only that time, it was different. I realized something else."
"What was that?"
"That I would never be able to leave you completely. That I had been wasting my time trying to do that. That I had underestimated my feelings for you."
She held his gaze, narrowing her eyes, "What did you feel, then? D'you think you love me, Malfoy? Is that it?"
He shook his head, "I don't think I do, Weasley. I know."
Ginny felt her breathing become shallow and forced. She could feel her heart thumping in her chest, her hands growing numb. She could feel her eyes water as she forced herself, for one last time, to look at him in the eye.
"You know nothing," she spat, turning on her heel and walking away from him resolutely. She'd done it? She had finally turned her back on him, giving him the cold shoulder, like he had done to her so many times? It couldn't be. It had all happened so fast. It was all just a blur. His words were still reeling around in her mind, echoing over and over.
It was killing her to do this. More than it had, back inside. This time, there was a certain feeling of finality to her actions. As if it really was over between them, and nothing-nothing-would be able to mend things now. There was such an enormous gap between them now…as if they had never really been together, and now, they never would. They were done. Over.
There was no turning back.
She hated him. She hated herself. She hated him for saying that to her, for the first time since they'd met, and she hated him for meaning it. She hated herself for leaving him, for ignoring him, for stepping back, just to avoid the inevitable. She hated him for hurting her, for forcing her to do this to both of them. This was all his bloody fault.
Each step seemed to cost her enormous strength, another tear. Each step she took made the gap between them bigger, wider, harder to cross. Each step made their wounds deeper, harder to heal. Each step made everything worse…so much worse…
Her pain weighed her down. Her guilt made her legs weak. Her hate made her head pound.
She hated him for doing this to her.
She wanted to turn around now. She wanted to run back to him, to apologize. She wanted to tell him so many things…she wanted to tell him the truth- that she was sorry for being so cruel, that she did care, that she did believe him, that she loved him back. That she wanted him with her…so much…
It hurt to keep it bottled up inside. She wanted to tell him. She needed to.
But she wouldn't. She was tired of giving him chances, tired of seeing him do this to her all over again. He made her life a living hell; he made her suffer, he took all the happiness from her, he broke his promises and kept making more…with him, nothing ever made sense to her. With him, nothing ever lasted.
She'd had enough.
And yet…
She couldn't help thinking she was doing the wrong thing.
Remember-second part coming tomorrow!